My Review of Alan Richman's Review of my Review

I recently had the privilege, nay the honor of having one of my reviews eviscerated by none other than Alan Richman. Who's Alan Richman you might ask? Good question and I’d never heard of him till about 30 seconds after he posted his comment on my review of StarKist Lunch To-Go (Chunk Light). Alan Richman is, well, let me just insert his bio taken from GQ.com (yes GQ as in Gentlemen’s Quarterly – oh la dee dah).

Alan Richman is the most decorated food writer in history. He has won 15 James Beard Journalism Awards, a National Magazine Award (and was a finalist five more times), and a Bronze Star for service in Vietnam. You won't find food writers like him at the food magazines. When he received his National Magazine Award, the presenter described him as "the Indiana Jones of food writers." He has reviewed restaurants in nearly every Communist country (China, Vietnam, Cuba, East Germany), proof that he will go anywhere for a meal. He once reviewed the Chicago restaurant owned and operated by Louis Farrakhan, not known to be a fan of Jewish journalists. In Cuba, he defied government regulations by interviewing starving political dissidents, then rewarded himself with a lobster lunch at the most expensive restaurant in Havana. In 1998, Richman was inducted into The James Beard Foundation Who's Who of Food and Beverage in America, which recognizes culinary industry professionals for their achievements. He is the Dean of Food Journalism at The French Culinary Institute in New York, where he teaches a class in food writing. Richman's 14 Beard awards have been presented in restaurant reviewing, feature writing, and wine writing. He has also taken the top prize, the M.F.K. Fisher Distinguished Writing Award, twice. He continues to indulge his passion for eight-course dinners (plus cheese). (reference: http://www.gq.com/contributors/alan-richman). 

This officially makes me the first reviewer at this site to be lampooned by someone who is actually SOMEONE. Suck it Meatwad and Matt.

I was pretty excited by the scathing comments made by Alan but when I realized who he was …. Well let’s just say I was in 7th Heaven.

You can read the full review of The StarKist Lunch To-Go at the link above but to summarize I didn’t care for it. I gave it zero stars. Now onto Alan’s comment:

Man this review was terrible in so many ways. I haven't read any of your recent reviews, but I hoping that you've done a little work on your approach since then. the review read like a C- report for a 100 level English class. Full of classic and corny cliche review lines like "I ripped open the bag ot tuna grabbed a spoon". This is a supposed to be a review, not a play-by-play of everything that went down during the eating process. A review is obviously only a matter of opinion, but it seems to me like you were approaching the thing totally wrong and not seeing the item for what it really is. It's obviously not supposed to replace a real and completely fufilling lunch my friend. On that note, I don't really see how they could've done much better considering what the medium is: Tuna. Its a package of Tuna with crackers. Nuff Said'. At least you can get credit for being the only weirdo on the planet who would take the time to write the longest review on earth for something as ridiculous as some crackers with some tuna. Bravo. Don't take it personally - I'm simply lampooning your negativity in the review....all over a package of tuna....and crackers. Cheers and happy holidays

Right out the gates the flattery begins. See little does Alan know but “Terrible” is as far as any of the reviewers here have ever aspired to. To say I had not only reached that level but done so in “so many ways” thrills me to no end.

Not only has he not read any of my “recent reviews” it’s clear he hasn't read any of them other than the Tuna one or he would know that this one was no different than any of the others. I haven’t improved and why should I? Obviously I've reached my goal of “Terrible” and there’s nowhere to go but down. Since you have only read this one review let me fill you in. We review anything at this site and we do it with an eye to the silly and the ridiculous.

Examples:

• I reviewed and discussed the need for the McRib Sandwich in a Post-9/11 world
• I reviewed showering with a naked Barbie Doll
• A publisher asked us to review a book written by Brandilyn Collins in which I spend 80% of the review sexually harassing her. Too bad HarperCollins didn’t ask me to review your book. The things I could have said about that French tickler mustache you've got going on.
• Books, movies, sandwiches, music, diabetes, swine flu, sauces, blowing kisses, soft drinks, pedicures, sleeping with your bosses wife, electronics, pens, Mitt Romney, automobile emission testing, snacks, medical procedures, cookies, Will Smith’s Trailer while filming MIB3, turning 40, I've reviewed them all and then some. What do you review again? Food? How quaint. 

I am pleased to see my English Class grades have improved to a C- I scored a 2 on the AP English test (a failing grade). Oh wait. In college I actually got straight A’s in English all the way through 200 level classes. So maybe there’s room for some improvement.

Alan’s comment falters a bit when he starts telling me how a review is supposed to be written and then says reviews are a matter of opinion. All the reviews at our site are written in a similar vein. Our reviews are certainly not reaching the high level standards of GQ.com, we have a regular following. Even without a new review posted in almost a year, we still have people visit and read every day. Did we set out to be an exact clone of other review site out there? What would be the point of that? That would be stupid. So suck it!

Alan’s comment devolves further when he exposes his 1 percenter snobbery with the sentence: “It's obviously not supposed to replace a real and completely fufilling lunch my friend.” First learn how to use spell check Alan it’s really distracting. And second, those who review here are engineers. In other words, we work for a living. A can of Tuna on crackers is a full meal for me and many others at least once a week. Congratulations on your success in your career that has given you big

GQ paychecks, book profits, the condo in Manhattan and a billion frequent flyer miles and also gets you the best seating at the best restaurants throughout the world (where ironically you probably don’t have to pay for your food). Unfortunately your success has separated you from the real world. Oh, I’m sure you’re comfy with the average GQ snob but what about the guys washing dishes in all these restaurants. Nah man, you’re out of touch if you think Tuna on crackers isn’t a meal. Hell they’re called “Lunch To-Go” right on the package.

Now I feel I must defend my actual review. You said it best when you said that it’s just Tuna and Crackers. It is just Tuna on crackers, so how come they screwed it up so bad? Can anyone deny that Ritz is Par for a good tasting cracker? If so then these crackers are sub-par. The functionality of the MEAL is unsatisfactory and the after-MEAL mint is gross. I stand by my review.

You called me “the only weirdo on the planet who would take the time to write the longest review on earth for something as ridiculous as some crackers with some tuna. Bravo.” Well how about being the only weirdo on the planet that would write an even longer review of the review of my review? Do I get a Bravo+ for that?

You end on a pseudo-high note, telling me not to take the aforementioned verbal anal reaming personally. After all you were just lampooning me and then you wish me happy holidays. Well Alan, don’t take what I’ve said here personally, I’m simply calling you out for the snob you are. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you set aside all your usual GQ rich boy hoity toity attitude and actually buy one of these StarKist Lunch To-Go’s. Take it to a public cafeteria somewhere, a food court or like venue and try it out just like you would an 8 course meal (including cheese) and then write a review of it for GQ.com. Don’t forget to link to my review as a comparison. Teach me all wise one how I should have done it differently.

As far as your review of my review I must give you 4 stars.  It made me laugh, it made me cry it made my day (2 days now)!  Mr. Richman (for you are due my full respect) clearly I am nowhere near the same league as you when it comes to reviewing food or anything else.  I'm just excited that you took the time to "slum it" with one of the little guys!  Happy Hanukkah and best wish for the New Year!