1. At the age of 37, I have sufficient experience to know that when I stand up, I have the balance to remain upright and walk as a biped.
2. When I open my eyes, the things in front of me will stay in front of me if I don't move my head and the objects don't move.
3. If I am not moving, I will know that...by the lack of motion of me and my surroundings.
Well, throw all 3 of these out the window because I now suffer from something called Vertigo. Now my brain seems to confuse all of the above. How did this happen? No idea, but the onset was a single event. I remember clearly flopping down on the sofa after dinner one night. This is not uncommon as I generally flop down to watch TV after gorging myself during my evening meal. What better way to work off those carbs than watching 2 straight hours of "So You Think You Can Dance?" The instant I sat down, I experienced a head rush that didn't go away. I looked up and the room was spinning, my head was pounding, and my eyes were freaking out. I went to a dark room to lie down and this only made things worse. I got nauseous, broke out in a cold sweat, and sat in agony for hours. This was the first time I had ever experienced my brain not working.......when someone wasn't touching my penis. To be honest, it is a little terrifying. By morning, it was still there, but the effects had reduced by about half.
So, for 3 weeks I fought with this before getting in to see a doctor. Apparently having your brain not work right is so mild a condition as to merit a 3 week waiting period before a doctor can see you. It ranged on a daily basis from horrible to annoying, but it was always there. I tried adjusting my diet, exercise, caffeine, sinuses, and anything else I could find on the internet (and there is a ton). Nothing changed it. When I finally got in to see the doctor, he did the standard tests and added a head CT because of my history of kickboxing. Guess what? He found absolutely nothing. After a few more tests, he said we would just wait and see what happens. This seems to be the case every time I go to see an "In-Network" doctor these days. I'm pretty sure they have a flow chart of symptoms that all lead to the diagnosis, "Let's just see what happens" or "Come back if it doesn't go away".
Now we are sitting a few months down the road and it seems to have gotten better off and on. Last week I was on vacation and I didn't feel a thing. Today I am back getting ready to go to work after a week off, and I can barely stand up. My wife thinks it is psychosomatic. I can't fathom that stress could cause my brain to spin around in my head, but maybe she is right. If that is the case, I don't see any solution but more time off. Maybe I can take extended medical leave or pursue an Obama program for dizzy people who don't like to work. I don't really know the answer but maybe this is just the new me, dizzy Meatwad. Maybe this is punishment for all the fat jokes and all the people I have made fun of over the years claiming their conditions were all in their heads. Maybe this is Karma for all the times I've asked people "Have you considered diet and exercise?" Maybe my head did finally explode trying to understand the liberal mindset. Whatever the case, I'm pretty sure this brain damage is permanent . Ozzy Osbourne said it best "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." I give vertigo a Big Fat Zero!