8.12.2013

FBI Computer Virus Review




Please welcome a guest review from the "K-mart Cowboy".  Give him some love...feel free to comment.

I know that the FBI virus is not a product. Not something that you can use. Not something that one would ever search out. And this is not something that is normally found on the website “reviewspew.com”. But as I thought and pondered about what would be a great review, I decided this would be my perfect debut.

So one evening I sat in front of my computer. My eyes were glazed over as I went through the slew of regular websites.

Facebook. MSN. CNN. Youtube. Facebook again. Pornhub. Facebook. CNN. MSN. Email. Checking how much I've lost in my retirement. Youtube. CNN check. Facebook check

Well...you know the normal stuff we waste our time with everyday. Anyway, as I was going through these websites I started to get a little bored. I figured I'd try to find some free online games that might jog my system. I started off simple with tetris, pong, and other simple games like this. But they would always make me download some crappy demo that ended right as I was getting into it. Almost like blue balls of the brain. I then had the smart idea to try and consult the GOD of the internet “Google” and search from free downloadable games. Because there is no way Google could lead me wrong. I click on the 3rd link that was shown and I began to download a game. The second the download is complete my screen goes black for a few seconds and this pops up.

 

First off it scared the shit out of me…literally. Maybe it was the fact it was so late. Maybe it was the fact I have endless stacks of illegally downloaded dvds, music, programs etc (kidding of course!) But as soon as this popped up, I started to baste in my own feces. I quickly started to read my fate. It had my IP address. It had my town. It said that I had been accessing “child pornography,” “animal endangerment and abuse videos (one could only imagine what those could be),” and a whole list of crazy charges. Oh, and I don’t know if I mentioned it or not but the particular strain of the virus I had it accessed my webcam and took a picture of me. The picture was less than appealing.



Ok that’s not me, but you get the point. In the back of my mind and I can see myself being carted off to jail for a crime I didn’t commit. With my picture and story being in every newspaper and news network. As I continued to read my fears quickly dissipated. At the end it said that if I wanted my computer unlocked and the charges dropped all I needed to do was give 400 dollars to their PayPal account. Then I realized what it was. You know that feeling you get when your Dr. tells you that you have a curable strain of herpes rather than genital warts…yeah, that’s the feeling I had. So to the assholes who created this virus. I hope your pimples get worse. I hope your mom forgets to back your favorite lunch before you head off to your crappy job at the local food mart and I hope everyone finds out about your “micro-penis”. But to be completely honest…I give your virus a 4 out of 5 stars. I took one star out because It wasn’t quite clever enough to get my money.




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