First a little story about my mom. My mom was the best, the absolute best. I’m not just saying it but you’re going to have to accept the fact that I had a better mom than you because mine was the best. But when I was way young, say before I turned 4 or 5 when she was still cutting my toenails for me she use to put me through the worse kind of hell ever. She always cut them too deep and when it hurt she would say “Oh that doesn’t hurt. It just feels funny.” One time she cut so deep my toe bled and yet there she was with the “Oh that doesn’t hurt. It just feels funny.”
Needless to say I have had “foot issues” ever since. I hate people touching my feet and nobody is allowed to cut my toenails for me. I don’t even like cutting my toes myself so I end up doing it once out of every four times I cut my fingernails. I wait till they are long, mangy, yellowish and have so much stuff crammed under them that they start to hurt, and then the smell. Oh my hell, gross.
So last Saturday my wife and I were walking through the mall and we come up to a nail place and my wife says, “Oh can I get a pedicure? Please, please, please?” I say sure. Now I’m sure it’s a sterotype that these places are all full of asian women but in this case it happened to be true. The one comes up and tells my wife to sign in then looks at me and says, “You want pedicure too? Very nice. You like it very much.”
My wife turns to me and says, “They massage your feet and it feels good, you would like it.” So I say “Sure” and sign in right along with my wife. They tell us to walk over to these really comfortable chairs with a small bath tub at the base of it. We take our shoes and socks off. Two asian women come over. 1 was cute, but the other one was gorgeous and had a small tank top on and white short shorts and “Thank you, thank you, thank you” she stopped in front of me and the other took care of my wife.
Instead of giving the rest of this in chronological order let me just tell you my likes here and my dislikes in the next paragraph. I loved that when she saw my feet for the first time (with the mangled, yellowish nails that stunk) she didn’t say anything in Chinese or Vietnamese or whatever to her coworker. I loved how gentle she was to my feet. I loved what I late found out was called an exfoliating scrub. That was pure heaven. For those who don’t know it feels like that gritty liquid soap called Lava although I’m hoping it was something else other than just Lava, and she put it all over my calves and feet and then hand scrubbed/massaged my calves and feet, for like 10 minutes each. That was the best, the absolute best. I liked how relaxed and comfortable the whole experience made me feel. And I loved the tapoment treatment at the end too.
What I didn’t like was being in a fishbowl the whole time. People walking by and pointing and staring. “Look. Jabba the Hutt is getting a pedicure. How cute.” I definitely didn’t like the way she cut my toenails. She clearly wasn’t a boy scout because in boy scouts you’re taught to cut your toenails straight across so you don’t get ingrown toenails. She cut mine rounded and I’m sure in the week or so to come I will get at least one ingrown nail. And yes, she cut deep. How do you say “That didn’t hurt, it only feels funny” in Vietnamese? And speaking about speaking Vietnamese, I didn’t like that I couldn’t understand a damn thing they were saying especially when they were up-selling me. That exfoliating scrub that both my wife and I got, was $5 extra, each. And now I can’t get a pedicure without it because it was my favorite part. I didn’t like not knowing what the hell she was doing when she balled her little fingers up into fist and started beating the crap out of my legs but then it started feeling fantastic. I was later told this is called a tapoment treatment and as I said above, I loved it! I didn’t like that when I was done, she didn’t tell me (an obvious rookie at this) that I was done, so I just sat there watching them paint my wife’s toe and trying to understand when she asked my life “You ant retty tar on yar oes. Ony two dahlah. You want it.” We both just nodded and my wife has pretty stars on her toes now and it only cost 2 dollars more. Which brings me to the last thing I didn’t like. I knew it was going to be $50 bucks for the two of us but it ended up costing me $75. That is some serious up-selling my friends.
I will tell you what though. I loved it. I felt so relaxed the rest of the day, all the next day and even right now while I’m writing this and remembering how it felt, wow I’m feeling relaxed again. Men; I highly recommend getting a pedicure and go with the exfoliating scrub for a bit more. I recommend going to a place not in the mall so you’re not getting gawked at. I recommend not mistaking one of those oriental massage places that doesn’t have any windows for a nail place. The nail place gave me a perfectly good happy ending without committing a single crime thank you very much. Pedicure for men scores four stars!!!!