11.05.2012

Yoga Pants Review

I'm not a follower of fashion.  Frankly speaking, I am generally the target of insults and mockery when it comes to my attire.  I've been known to wear a stark-white shirt with bright, white pants.  Until good friends corrected my actions with subtleties like poking my belly and asking me to giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Boy or saying "G'day mate" in reference to my Crocodile Dundee like threads, I had no idea that I had made a fashion faux pas.  I have a series of colorful dress shirts that my friends call "The Neal Diamond" collection and I have, on occasion, wore my Ski jacket in the rain.  One friend tried to clip an all day lift ticket to the zipper and shook his head while asking if I felt safe from the April showers in my double stuff'd powder jacket.  Sorry, I didn't know, call Stacy and Clinton from "What Not to Wear" and let's have an intervention.  I thought Dockers and a Polo transcended all fashion trends.

That being said, I do know what I like, on women that is.  I couldn't buy clothes for my wife if my life depended on it, but when it is right, it is right, even I can see that.  So may I just go public and say thank you to the makers of Yoga pants.  Genius.  This trend is one of the best things I've seen since those spandex leotards from the 80's with the thong backs and leg warmers.  Don't forget to make them neon, just in case I didn't notice the boodylicious body paint on its own.  As for the designers though, I'm not sure about the function, though the form was perfect.  The problem was, that public wedgie was a hard sell for the masses, hence, that trend didn't make it through the 90's.  Another one bites the dust.   

Though I miss Olivia Newton John's contribution to the world, don't fret my brothers, for technology has prevailed once again.   I was recently on campus at a major university and realized that the world has moved on, and in a wonderful way.  Women no longer wear sweats.  Women's "quick comfies" are now yoga pants!  Those baggy, androgynous pants are a thing of the past and in their place, a cheek hugging alternative that tantalizes the mind and requires no imagination.  I'm telling you that everyone was wearing yoga  pants...everyone that should, at least.  How do I say this?  It seems that not only was there an abundance of women wearing them, but also an awakening to the old adage that  "Spandex is a privilege, not a right" (though you can now replace Spandex with Yoga pants), the point is the same.  All the right people wearing all the right clothes.   I knew a world like this could exist, but until now, it happened only in my mind.  

I couldn't conceive of why all these women would want men staring at their junk even more than normal, so I asked my wife why everyone is wearing these.  She quickly said that they are extremely comfortable....and there it is, genius in its simplicity.  Form and function, a perfect engineering concoction to ensure longevity  of this low-cut, skin-tight manna from heaven.  Yoga world, you have done for ass-men what the Wonder-Bra did for breast-men so many years ago.  Thank you for thinking of us.  Thank you for your research.   Thank you for making women think that you designed these for their comfort.  Thank you for the lift.  Thank you for the separation.  Thank you for creating a soft fabric that still looks like it was sprayed out of a can.  Thank you for starting an booty-bearing trend that is sure to last the ages.  Thank you, thank you, a million times, thank you.  If I could give these pants 6 stars, I would.



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