Breaking Dawn Part 2 Review

I just got home from watching The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2.  Give me a sec, I need to catch my breath after saying the title of this movie.  Let me start with a parental thingy.  The sex scene in this movie was very sensual but if you were stupid enough to let your 13 year old daughter seen Part 1, then this isn’t any worse.  The movie is very violent and not just by Twilight Sage standards, but there is no blood, which is really perplexing for a VAMPIRE MOVIE!!!  What do vampires do?  They suck blood, but only one time in this movie.  So there is your parental guide or whatever they call it.

Now to properly review this movie I’m going to have to tell you about it so SPOILER ALERT – SPOILER ALERT – SPOILER ALERT.  My conscience is clear.

The first two-thirds of this movie is just the same blah, blah, blah romantic crap we’ve seen from the first three movies.  With one exception; the totally unintentional comic-relief of introducing two new vampires from “The Amazon”.  This is what one of them looked like, and I swear, every time they came on the screen I could not stop laughing and neither could my wife.  It was so stupid.  But when the vampires from Ireland came in looking like they just got off the boat fleeing the Great Potato Famine it became just sad.  I wouldn’t have been surprised if vampires showed up from Harlem sporting ginormous afros and menacingly cleaning their gold capped pointy teeth with switch blades.

But then the battle scene started.  Having read every agonizing word of ever book and sitting through every obnoxious second of the first four movies, not to mention the 80 minutes we were into this one, all of it, suddenly became absolutely 100% worth it!  This scene was truly epic.  It was like the Forks, Washington Walmart was having a sale on decapitations and these vampires bought them all up.  There were so many heads rolling, and not just red-shirt vampires, but main characters.  Beloved characters quickly and shockingly getting their heads torn off.  One got torn off from the upper jaw, leaving the lower jaw and they showed the skin tearing in his cheeks.  The producers had finally grown a pair and went all out for this grand finale!!!!  The true test of this scene’s total awesomeness was how visibly disturbed my wife was through it.  It sickened her.  But then …

Did you ever see the movie called Wisdom starring Emilio Estevez and Demi Moore?  It was back in the 80s.  Unable to get a job due to a childish stunt that landed Emilio with a felony on his record for life, he decided he would, with the help of Demi, start holding up banks to destroy the mortgage papers for farms so that farmers could have some extra time to get their crops in and stuff like that.  Kids, you may not know this but Hollywood had a brief and unproductive affair with the plight of the farmers back in the 80s.  There’s about 10 movies that touch on this subject.  But I digress, back to Wisdom.  It was a good movie.  They would hold up places and the customers would shake their hands and they became like these folk legends and it was just awesome but it turned to tragedy and they got gunned down in a blaze of glory just like Bonnie and Clyde.  What a great movie right up until it turned out to be a day dream by Emilio.  He had been soaking in a tub the whole time day-dreaming this.  What a crock.

Oh, but back to this epic battle scene in Breaking Dawn.  Ya, the whole thing was  a damn fake-out, a dream, a vision of what would happen if the bad guys hadn’t backed down, and now that the main bad guy had seen this vision he decided “Well, we shouldn’t start this epic battle, lets go back to Italy and be snooty.”  I literally (and I’m not talking when a teenage girl says something like “I literally barfed my brains out all over the whole planet) shouted out at the top of my lungs “OH THIS IS HORSESHIT!!!!”  Which got a lot of laughs from the audience but even that could not console me.  I have been in full-on rage-mode ever since that moment (which was about an hour ago).

You simply cannot do this.  It’s so cheap.  It’s so stupid.  It’s fundamentally wrong.  This sort of thing is fine for a low budget movie from the 80’s but a series that has the unmitigated gall to self-declare itself a “SAGA”, CAN NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!  There is no rating for this.  It’s less than zero, it’s pure….well lets just say I’ve created and awarded The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 the first ever Equine Manure Award.