Indian Food Review

According to thefreedictionary.com, “papilla” is defined as “One of the small, round or cone-shaped protuberances on the top of the tongue that contain taste buds.” The same source describes “burn” as “to damage, injure, or mark by heat”. Keep this in mind as I you continue to read this review.

I have extremely sensitive skin. Twenty years ago, in August, I got into a disagreement with my wife. I assume I was winning because she took off out the front door and ran across our asphalt parking lot in bare feet. I chased after her (also without shoes) but only got about 3 feet before realizing that my feet were on fire. I literally dove for the grass but the damage was done. I had huge blisters all over the bottom of my feet. My wife, who happens to be 1/32 Shoshone Indian, walked around on 150 degree asphalt and concrete surfaces for the next hour (before realizing how unreasonable she was being – I think) and came home without a blemish. We have remarked on her “Sacajawea feet” ever since. But this is not the type of Indian I’m talking about. I’m reviewing food from the country of India (You know, the place Columbus was trying to find as opposed to the country he did find – Cuba).

Apparently my sensitive skin is not limited to my outer dermis but includes my tongue as well.

I like spicy food, I like hot food. With this in mind, when the guys at work suggested we go to this Indian Buffet for lunch, I jumped at the chance. We get there and I watched the other guys and did what they did. I grabbed a plate, covered the bottom with rice and then started heaping various glops of the Indian food onto different parts of the plate. I tried some of the Chunky Orange Gloop, and some of the Yellow Small-Chunk Gloop, some of the grayish bumpy Gloop and then some meatballs. We got to our table and the host brought out some hot Pita Bread he called Naan, and our drinks (mine was Pepsi of course).

Having never been out for Indian food before I still believe I’m safe in assuming this place was very typical of an Indian restaurant. From the Indian décor to the widescreen playing Bollywood classics; I liked it. The host made us all feel very welcome and comfortable.

So I take my first bite of gloop - the Yellow Small
Chunk Gloop looked the best so I tried that first. Holy Hell !!!!! WTH? Why would they serve chunks of hot burning coal? This was a question that continued throughout the whole meal. The problem was that the flavor was so good that I couldn’t stop eating it, but all the amounts of free refill Pepsi and all you could eat Naan, did absolutely nothing to temper the intensity of the hot molten lava I was shoveling into my mouth of my own free will.

I do not know why India and Pakistan bothered developing nuclear weapons. Just line up huge buffet tables of this food along the border and arm all the troops with big ladles. Talk about Mutually Assured Destruction. No way would they risk a war knowing that Gloop could end up in their face AND MELTING IT OFF!

OK, I loved the food. It was good and I would eat there again any day (if I could just marshal up the courage); however, there was a slight problem that developed later, and no I’m not talking about my bowels. It was my tongue. I definitely burned it, but as the afternoon went on I realized that I had REALLY, REALLY burned it. I finally went and looked in the mirror and almost cried out in shock. First, about 70% of it was perfectly smooth. No papilla at all. Worse still, the smooth parts were beat red, not pink, and to add to the horror of it all, the parts of my tongue that looked somewhat normal were frothing with white…stuff, I don’t know what it was, I don’t know what was going on, but I did know I had burned my tongue in such a profound way the likes of which I have never before experienced. The kicker was that the food was not that hot as a measure of temperature. I’ve consumed food that was heated up much higher than this. This burn was all chemical induced from the spices and such the food was cooked with. Served right out of the refrigerator it probably would have done the same thing. It took 3 days before it stopped hurting and I could taste food again.

My rating for Indian Food is four stars. It would have been five because it was really delicious, but I do not like food that bites back and I haven’t been able to bring myself to return since out of fear of destroying my pallet permanently.


mcole said...

Awesome! Loved it! Best laugh I had in days!

JustJim said...

That was over 10 months ago and I haven't built up the courage to return.

Thanks for the compliments!!

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