Tap Poker Social Edition IOS App Review

I fancy myself a gambler, and by gambler I mean someone who always walks out of a casino with no money.  I've even been known to borrow money from friends for the over-priced buffets as I'm usually out of money by lunchtime.  I'm not quite certain if I'm just unlucky, fairly dim, poor at math, too impulsive or E) all of the above.

I can't even get a break on the slots.  They are supposed to pay out at over 98%?!!  Yeah right.  I'll play the penny slots, and each spin will cost me roughly 3 bucks.  10 minutes later, my $20 is gone--on the penny slots.  You've got to be kidding me.

Kenny Gambled with plastic surgery

After far too many penniless excursions to the casinos, I tried my hand at hold 'em poker with friends.  I've played roughly 30 tourneys with my buddies, and netted exactly 1 win. (a winning percentage well below the Mendoza line)  After walking away with $35, I crowned myself the next Phil Ivey, and decided to graduate to online poker.  I found a primer on different gambling sites (casinotop10.net/), and joined a couple of them to get some practice.  I played in a number of tournaments, but was quickly dispatched by others whose skills were far superior than mine.

I then decided to start my professional Poker career a little smaller...like mobile phone small.

I reviewed all the popular Texas hold 'em apps on Itunes with high ratings, and for some reason chose one that wasn't rated as high.  It's like I wanted a 15 seed to beat a 2 seed in March Madness.  I wanted to be on that "little buy" bandwagon.  I chose to install Tap Poker Social edition.
This app is fairly similar to other Texas Hold 'em Apps.  You get chips every day to play with, and there are varying dollar values of tables to play.  I thought I'd head on in, and go all-in with all my chips on the 4th hand.  I lost, and Tap Poker offered me more chips....for like $19.99!!!  All mobile apps from the Smurfs, Farmville, to Vampire Wars have one aim in mind--to make you pay for extras.  This one is no different.

The next day I logged back on armed with more daily chips.  I found a table with only one other player who obviously wasn't present or alive.  I blinded him into oblivion, and roughly doubled my money in no less than 7 hours.  Feeling confident from my fresh victory, I ran a victory lap around my home, and checked out the other features of the game. 

The big selling point is that you can have "friends", and communicate with each other while playing.  Everyone can have a profile picture, and chat to their heart's content.  Yeah...a pedophile's paradise.
As you play, you can see each of the people on the table, and the pictures they upload for their profile.  I don't know about you, but I prefer cartoon-esque representations of people for their profile picture.  I don't want to see images of creepy dudes while I'm trying to land a straight draw.  And dudes-a-plenty there were.  Every table I joined, there were dudes....lots of dudes.  It was a bonafide sausage-fest.
There was never a normal profile picture of a dad pushing his kid in a swing, or a husband on vacation with his wife in Hawaii.  There were multiple ZZ Top-esque dudes, dudes without shirts who looked like GQ models (yeah right), and LOTS of dudes whose pictures were of chicks in bikinis.  How do I know that these were dudes?  Because 90% of the pictures of women looked roughly 19, and most were Asian.  Umm...yeah.  Did I mention that this was a major Brodeo?

100% guarantee that these are all people with testicles

Let me highlight the features of this App:
-- If you like dudes, this is the app for you.  A regular Banana Republic.
-- There is a 59% chance of meeting someone currently listed on the Sex Offenders watch list
-- Most of the English wording was written by someone from Asia.  The rules/script for the game reads like an AT&T service call.
-- You'll lose your chips quickly as most people bet everything on every hand.  I felt like punching every dude in there.
-- Each hand takes a LONG time.  If you like to play Hold 'em when on the john at work, you'll only get through 2 hands or so, which is OK, as you'll lose all your chips by then anyway.
-- Did I bring up the fact that this is a monstrous penal colony?

This Hold 'em app delivers nothing new to the already crowded Poker mobile software field.  In fact, it does it much poorer than most of it's peers.  Tap Poker Social Edition goes all-in for a 1-star rating.