Drinking Water Review

In the last 8 years I have probably consumed an average of 8 oz of water every single week. Yes, you read that correctly…week. I hate water. It’s so foul and disgusting. Some have said, “Well add lemon to it.” I stare at these people with complete “deer in headlights” confusion. What on earth could adding a lemon to my water do to make it better. I have no idea whatsoever. Then there are those that say, “well maybe it’s your tap water…have you tried bottle water.” I say to them “Does it have water in it? Then I don’t want it”. Finally there are those that say, “You need to drink more water than that because you need water to live”. This statement could not be further from the truth. Why? Because I’ve been living off of 8 oz of water per week for 8 years and I’m not dead.

I don’t know why I don’t like water, I just don’t. It’s so boring I suppose, although I can see the advantages of it. Like when I go to get blood drawn. Being over 40 and having an over 40 BMI, doctors tend to want to draw a lot of blood out of you. Problem is, my skin is thick like an elephant. My veins are thin and move around a lot and my blood is more the consistency of molasses than blood. This is probably the result of drinking so little water. The average blood draw takes 10-15 pokes and it’s only after bringing in “Their resident expert blood draw-er” that they are able to get some of that sludge out of me. So in preparation for a blood draw I will normally man-up and force feed myself a gallon of water the day before. Pure hell.

I think I’ve mentioned this before but I drink about ten 12-ounce cans of Diet Mt. Dew every day. But one day when it was time to crack open can #3 of that day, for some unexplained reason I got this incredible craving to drink water. Seriously. I drank an entire glass of ice water, then refilled it and finished that glass off within about 15 minutes, went and got a 3rd. I didn’t think much of this at the time, but it was the beginning of the end for me. From that day forward I have been consuming between 1 and 2 gallons of water each and every day. I’m not joking. I’m down to maybe 1 can of soda a day. The rest is handled by water.

So this has been going on for about a month now and it has led to some strange consequences. First of all, many people are downright alarmed as it’s a sign of diabetes to have a sudden unquenchable thirst. So I call my doctor who looked over my last blood draw and yes, my blood sugar levels are high but not diabetic high. Whew. My urine which had been the most delightful color of dark orange and smelled like death for years now, is almost clear with only a tint of yellow and no smell. I took a 12 hour round trip car ride to pick up my daughter from college. I had to stop 8 times to go pee. Totally sucked. I’m getting up between 2 and 6 times a night now to pee. I hate it. The worse though, is I have not been drinking my diet Mt Dew. This has been horrible for my energy levels. This explains why you didn’t get a Christmas or New Year’s Holiday Review out of me (something that has made the management here at reviewspew.com very grumpy).

Bottom line, there is nothing good about drinking water whatsoever. It wastes your time peeing, it makes pee less interesting with its lack of color and smell, and still tastes like absolutely nothing. I hate it and it therefore gets zero stars. I hope this craving for it goes away soon so I can go back to my original plan of drinking myself to death with Diet Mt. Dew.


Matt said...

Far too many references to urine here. Or not enough. I can't decide.

mcole said...

Absolutely agree...water has nothing exciting and I have been trying for YEARS to get into the habit - it works for about 3 days and then the weekend comes and I am back to wine and hard apple cider....HELL NO H2O!

JustJim said...

Love the slogan. I'm going to get a bumper sticker that says that!!! Thank you for reading!!!

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