Mtn Dew Throwback Quick Hits Review

Pure cane sugar…that's the one.  Corn is good for popping and on a cob but keep it the hell out of my 3pm pick-me-up.  Down with HFCS!  4 stars.

I drink original Mtn Dew (can we really not say Mountain anymore?) more than any other beverage. Sorry water. I was told by several (2) people that I would love throwback Mtn Dew because it had real sugar in it. Well apparently I'm not into the real stuff. Give me synthetic sweetener any day. Though let's be honest, even throwback Mtn Dew is better than Mello Yello. I give this yellow number 3 stars.

I’m waiting for Diet Mtn Dew Throwback made with Saccharin.  1 Star

I prefer Diet Mtn Dew as the others are too sweet.  Call me an elitist.  Wait...can someone that drinks Mtn Dew call themselves an elitist?  Plus the retro bottle label freaks me out.  I expect to hear dueling banjos when I look at it.  1 Star.

 

Quick Hits average of 2.25 Stars.

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Matt's Top 20 Albums of All Time -- Foreword

     Oh joy!  Another "Top ###" list by some blustery self-promoting blogger.  I know you're probably saying "Who gives a crap.  What does a review blogger who holds the world-record for self-deprecating fat jokes know about music?"  Not much, although I forked over thousands of dollars as a young man for cassette tapes, concerts, and guns and roses pins for my Levi jean jacket.  I also used to record music off the radio to tape, and write out the lyrics in a notebook to memorize...I still have that notebook.  That is my resume.

An enormous list of caveats directly below:

-- I was a child of the 80's.  For me to start listing Pink Floyd, Cream, or Beatles albums all through out my Top 20 would be disingenuous.  Just because some stoner in 7th grade taught me to play Stairway to Heaven on the guitar doesn't make me a die-hard Led Zeppelin fan.  These songs were not played on the radio--and the radio was the main source of my introduction to new bands/songs.  I had a very personal relationship with Casey Kasem.

-- Staying power means nothing to me. (just ask my wife)  Just because U2 and Eddie Vedder have cranked out 79 albums between the two of them does not guarantee a single album on my list.  There is no "lifetime achievement" award bonus.  I'd take the top 10 Neil Diamond or Johnny Cash songs and place them up to any other artists--but they had to make 1300 songs each to get a decent top 10. (Yeah...I love Neil Diamond and am proud of it)

-- I'm not really into Chick bands/singers. (using the word chick is intentional for the sole purpose of perpetuating the fact that the entire top 20 is dude-centric)  I can't explain it.  Maybe it's because my second cassette tape purchase was Tiffany.  Am I miffed because I never got to see her perform in Layton Hills Mall as a kid?  I'm not sure.  I've discussed this topic in another blog posting on my once-loved (barely) humor blog.  You can analyze my female bigotry at this link.

-- "Greatest Hits" albums do not count.  Period.

-- You must own the album for it to be in your "Top 20."  I have always liked Thriller by Michael Jackson--but never purchased it.  Doesn't count.

-- I gravitate to alternative and rock music rather than pop, rap, polka, or country.  Deal with it.

-- Grading an album based on the music alone is not enough.  I know...how can I say that the music alone isn't enough to rate an album?  Continue reading, and you'll find my qualifications for entry into my "Top 20."

Qualifications to be called a great album:

-- Good music.  I mean the whole deal.  Instruments, vocals, rhythms, intros, outros, etc.  (Spoiler--Billy Squier is not on this list.)

-- Number of "freaking awesome" songs on the album.  Most good albums have a song or two that when finished, you say to yourself--"That was freaking awesome."  Think about it.  It's rare for an album to be at the tops of your list without an anthem that moves you.
On a side note--what you may have thought was "freaking awesome" at 13 years old may not be so "freaking awesome" anymore.  I "Walked like an Egyptian" with the best of them back in the day, but with apologies to the Bangles--that song just sucks.
Think about it--your musical tastes improve and change with time.  I used to think Sizzler was the greatest restaurant in the world at 9 years old.  Now??  Pass.  I also thought "Seventeen" by Winger was such a good song, that it inspired me to buy the tape.  Damn you Kip Winger and your hypnotic hair.  You cost me 13 bucks.

-- Seal the deal with a memory.  Does the music/album invoke a memory or thought of something that happened in your past?  Did Lionel Richie sign your cleavage at a concert?  Did you pump up in preparation for high school football games with Metallica cranked in your Suzuki Samurai?  How many hours did you waste with buddies watching MTV?  Did you make out with a mix tape that was "Toad the Wet Sprocket-centric?"
If an album does not invoke a emotional response, then it hasn't done it's job--and thus isn't worthy to be included in your list.

--Wild Card.  Did Garth Brooks come and sing at a charity event to raise money for your dying brother?  Is there a Van Halen song named specifically after you?  Do you cut Kenny G's hair?  These wild cards can propel an album to the top based on some quirky fact alone. (And the fact that I'm 1/4 Jewish does not make me like Neil Diamond any more...but his chest hair does)

So, after the longest pre-review ever, let's get down to business.  Over the next few weeks, I'll count down my top 20 with 5 albums per review.

Unfortunately, this weeks offering is only the albums that ALMOST got in.  WHAT!??  Yeah, I like to set the table and then shoot an air ball with 3 seconds left on the clock.
Enough setting...let the air balls begin.

The next 5--Just missed making the list. 
Some are trending up, and some trending down.  I suspect this list will look different in the next 5 years.

-- Sum 41 -- Screaming Bloody Murder:  Love this album.  One drawback is a song named Scumfuk.  Really?  Good song...stupid name.  Scumhug would have been better.

-- Coldplay--A Rush of Blood to the Head:  Really good album from a band at their peak.  I'm of the belief that you could splice all Coldplay albums together, start it on shuffle, and nobody would know they were different albums.  Is that good or bad?  Probably good...as I like most of their music.

-- Ben Folds Five -- The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner:  I still miss Darren Jesse and Robert Sledge.  Rumors of one "get the band back together album" are making the rounds.  This one rumor gets me more hot and bothered than any late-night Cinemax.

-- Sum 41 -- Underclass Hero:  I have an obsession with Sum 41...so what?  In my opinion, they are the best holdout from the "2000's teen punk bands."  In fact, I think they are only getting better.

-- Foo Fighters -- Wasting Light.  I first heard this album first filed it under "OK, but a little too heavy for my taste."  Further listening has shown me the error of my ways.  This is a true, great rock album in a time when rock is a dirty word.

Other albums that received consideration:

Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Stadium Arcadium
Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Blod Sugar Sex Magic
Stone Temple Pilots -- Core
Third Eye Blind -- Third Eye Blind
U2 -- Achtung Baby
Metallica -- Metallica (The black album)
Yes -- Fragile
Guns n Roses -- Appetite for Destruction
Nirvana -- Nevermind
Aerosmith -- Pump

Tune in for the next installment--Albums #20-16.

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Taco Time Crisp Burrito Bites Quick Hits Review

     When you want the same great (cheap) taste of a crisp bean burrito but without the embarrassment. And by embarrassment, I mean that the actual foot long burrito flakes off into your lap as you try to eat it.  This, and the extremely phallic shape of the burrito itself. 4 stars for innovation and making me look less gay.

  
     I remember when Taco Time actually could compete with Taco Bell.  Of course I remember when they used actual meat.  0 Stars.


 

         I've always been less of a twig guy, more a berries man.  Blatantly homophobic, and I support that.  4 stars.

      Taco Time is "good crappy quasi-Mexican food."  Their crisp burrito line can only get better when adding more surface area to soak the oil into the food.
The only knock is knowing that I'll get 2nd degree mouth roof blisters from popping these too quickly and burning myself on the delicious greasy contents.  4 stars.

Quick Hits Average of 3 stars.

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Viator.com Shanghai Tour Review

This is a follow-up to a previous review of Viator.com’s Vatican Tours, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I just finished my Viator.com Shanghai tour and have to say that it was not the same experience as the first in Rome. Let me start with the cost though, it was dirt cheap. $69 for an 8 hr tour, with lunch, only 3 other people, and a private driver is chicken feed. Add in a 20 for tip, and you are still rollin’ on the cheap. They could maybe throw in a Chinese massage at the end, but now I’m just getting greedy. Unfortunately, that cheapness cost comes at a price. Although the tour guide was very friendly, there were a few other agendas at work on the tour.

We were supposed to go to a place where they harvest pearls as Shanghai is the “Pearl” of the East. This turned into a 2 min explanation of the difference between fresh water pearls and saltwater, and then 45 min of browsing a pearl store with very high pressure sales people working hard to get some more of my cash. The Jade exhibit was exactly the same thing. 2 min of “can you tell which is real and which is fake?” followed by 30 min. of buy something, name your price, buy, buy, come on, buy! So yes, it was much like a 40 yr old stripper selling lap dances at the Rhino.

When we got to old town, we got to some cheaper tourist items that I would actually like to get as souvenirs for the kiddies. It was obvious though that our guide didn’t get a kick back from the stores there because he basically ran through the crowd leaving us in his dust. The 4 of us did everything we could to keep up with him as he was quick and wiley in a crowd.

In the museum, he left us alone, so we went at our own pace. Unfortunately, he told us to start and the top floor and work our way down. It wasn’t until the last 5 min, that we realized that the best items were all on the main floor. We wasted an hour looking at silk samples and watercolors when the ground floor had 2000 year old Buddha’s and stone relics.

The Jade Buddha was amazing and that temple is a must-see for anyone’s visit. The ancient garden was also nice and when we did catch up to the guide to ask a question, he did know a lot. The other 3 people on the tour were absolutely great though and we had our own fun and actually continued on with each other after the tour for a while. If they hadn’t been there, I would have been much more disappointed in the tour.

Honestly, I couldn’t expect more for that price, but I really didn’t like the feel of being ambushed at the pearl and jade market and being run through old town trying to catch the guide like he was a 8 year old at the Neverland Ranch. (Too soon?) He really didn’t wait or look back. Lunch was just ok, but again, for the cost, what does one expect? There wasn’t the entertainment during lunch that was described on the site either, but again, I’m splitting hairs.

I think if I hadn’t had the 5 star experience in Rome, this probably would have met expectations for the price. The Shanghai tour had big shoes to fill and it didn’t really do it. Shanghai itself and the other members of the tour did, however. So for bringing us all together and the wicked-cheap price, I’ll give this tour 3 stars.

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Myfitnesspal Smartphone App Review -- Take it or Leave it

     Were I to be the star of my own porn website, it would probably be enticing to people who enjoy greying, portly, plain-looking, big nosed, hairy, naked guys.  Possible domain names may include reallyuglyfatnudedude.com or myeyesareburningpleasemakeitstop.com.  Luckily, I have a 9-5 job which pays my bills, as my personal porn site would most likely leave me penniless.
     While I can't change much in my personal appearance outside of Just for Men haircare products or to visit a plastic surgeon to shrink my schnoz, there is something that can be taken care of in the present--my big fat ass.
     After the good Lord and my family, food is about the most important thing to me.  And by important, I mean that I eat a lot.  I knew that this would have to change to have a backup career in the adult webcam industry.
Luckily, I ran across the myfitnesspal app on my smartphone to help me in this campaign.
     This app is basically a food/exercise diary.  There is just about every brand and type of food imaginable loaded into the database.  You eat it...then you enter it into the app.  You also know how many calories you can eat each day as they design a diet based on your weight and lifestyle.  This also syncs up with your free online account at myfitnesspal.com. (for those of you still using a Motorola Razr from 2005)  There is a weight/inches loss tracker, and the website has custom graphs to track your progress.
The only thing that they leave to you...is to eat less.
     While I haven't mastered this last challenge, the myfitnesspal app is a lifesaver when I want to know how far over my caloric intake I am after eating an ultimate double cheeseburger at Jack in the Box.  Definite "take it" rating.  I may even register the domain of holycraphesuglybutingoodshape.com.

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KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl Quick Hits Review

Not only delicious, but efficient; this delightful little dish is educational to boot.  “Look kids…your lower intestine.”  Only 4 stars because they don’t serve it in a tube.

First the spork, now the combo bowls.  A 4 course meal all smashed in the same bowl?  That's everything a growin' boy needs without all that pesky decision making that a "traditional" lunch requires.  What's next, bacon wrapped in a meat bun?  Want a new idea KFC? How about NOT running out of CHICKEN when I stop by for a bucket.  2 stars.


KFC keeps trying to push this hillbilly jambalaya.  They are not succeeding.  This isn't Chinese food...it shouldn't all be mixed together.  This bowl is the epitome of anti-synergy.  1 star for mixing corn with gravy

By my calculations, all major food groups are taken care of in one convenient little plastic bowl.  If they could figure out a way to integrate this into a biscuit..a KFC biscuit bowl.  Who wouldn't try that?  You could even top the whole thing with those leftover honey packets they give you.  4 stars.

Quick Hits average of 2.75 Stars.

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Crazy Taxi Review

I accept a certain amount of risk whenever I get into a taxi. When I get into one in Shanghai, I pretty much assume that I have a 50/50 chance of never reaching my destination. Best case is I get there an hour late and penniless because he circled for an extra 50 miles to jack up the price. Worst case is that I meet my maker screaming like a girl in the back of a filthy coupe. Don’t worry, I always say my goodbyes when I leave home planning for just such an event, so I am, in a way, prepared for such things.

What I wasn’t prepared for in Shanghai was the extreme, unprecedented, outlandish over-use of the car horn. Turn signal? Why? You have a perfectly good horn. Check your blind spot? Why? You have a perfectly good horn. People in the crosswalk… Stop? Why? You have a perfectly good horn. About to plow over a mo-ped and kill a man.. Swerve? Why? You have a perfectly good horn.

Taxi or shuttle bus, they are the same, they are on that horn continually while driving, and they are frickin’ loud. ..but so are the rest of the drivers. My eardrums buzz after the 45 min. commute to work from all the honking. My room is on the 6^th floor and all I hear all night is honking, honking, honking. Oh the noise, the noise, the noise, noise, noise, noise. If there is one thing I hate, it’s the noise, noise, noise, NOISE!

At this point, I want to crash. I want to plow over a guy on a scooter. I want to mow down an entire army of women and children in the crosswalk just to avoid hearing that high pitched blow one more time. I’ve concentrated and tried to observe when and why they attack that bugle so much, but I can’t figure it out. The guy on the shuttle did it when there wasn’t even anyone around. I think it may even be a law of sorts, but wow it is clogging up the airways.

Cabbies in Shanghai don’t use lanes and there is no courtesy. Have your destination written in Chinese, because like in New York, you won’t find anyone that speaks English. They cut in and out and slam and gun. They will shoot through a group of school kids and scrape the cars next to you. Know it and expect it, but above all, bring some headphones and crank it, because holy hell that horn will drive you mad.

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Arbys Ultimate Angus Philly Quick Hits Review

We have a new type of review that we're debuting today.  Each of our reviewers will give a quick summary and star rating for the item being reviewed.  We'll give our average star rating for our site as well.  We call them "Quick Hits."  Hope you enjoy!!

We’re about to say goodbye to Arby’s forever.  They might as well call this the Ultimate Anus Philly.  0 Stars.

I think I have established my feelings on mayo.  After they left that filth off, this was a tasty sub.  4 stars.

I wanted to root for the Eagles after eating this.  I loved it so much that I wanted to eat another one....and did.  5 delicious stars.

Why does Arby's think that their roast beef should go into any sandwich created?  Soon the tuna Arby's melt?  At least there was Arby's sauce to wash this down.  2 stars.


Review Spew Grade----2.75 Stars.

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