Malt-O-Meal Honey and Oat Blenders Cereal Review

In the world of knock-off products, you are usually going to strike out.  Very rarely will you buy a knock-off product and be happy.
Take my "Tommy Hilfliger" watch I purchased on the street-side in Houston for all of 20 bucks.  It lasted 2 days.  Dr. Thunder?  Not as good as Dr. Pepper.  My Ping I3 knock-off golf clubs?  Worthless...although any golf club in my hand is worthless.  Interested in a cheap stereo at a pawn shop?  It may have Sorny guts.
Take any popular brand here in the US, and foreign companies will generate a cheaper, crappier version.  Why do you think they started making Hyundai's?

It is very rare for the knock-off item to become as popular and as high of quality as the original.  Oddly enough, Malt-o-meal has found this niche.
Don't get me wrong--there are tons of crappy knock-off cereals out there.  Corporal Crunch, Fruity Hoops, and Apple Yo's are terrible.  So are many others.
But I dare say that I would choose Marshmallow Mateys over Lucky Charms every day of the week.  Take a look at Malt-o-Meal lineup!!  It's like the Green Bay Packers of the cereal world.

Coco Roos
Cinnamon toasters
Tootie Frooties
Mini Spooners

Ridiculously delicious.

I recently decided to dip my toes into a Malt-o-Meal offering I'd never tried:  Honey and Oat Blenders.

I never let the name dissuade me from trying a new cereal out, even though the word "blender" in the title seemed oddly creepy.  The marketing team wasn't happy with Honey and Oat crunchies?
By the way, this cereal is a knock-off of Post Honey bunches of Oats. (which is also delicious)

I'll give you the high and low points of my cereal ingesting experience.

Positives:
When opening the box, the smell was overpowering.  Honey and sugar....I was in sucrose heaven.
This is much cheaper than the Post alternative, thus you can gorge without breaking the bank.

Negatives:
This cereal is quick to soak up milk.  You must eat quickly, or you'll have Honey and Oat mush. (Post Honey bunches of Oats also has the same problem)
It is very sweet.  I could see myself eating this as a late-night "treat snack" instead of for breakfast.  This is the reason I can't buy Fruity Pebbles.  It's like a yabba dabba dessert.

While not the strongest offering by Malt-o-Meal, this is definitely an option when passing up the rice puffs looking for something a little more tasty.  Solid fake 4-star rating.

Odd fact side note--while perusing Malt-o-Meal's site, they have a WIC qualifier by State for each cereal.  This is not an approved WIC cereal in the state of Idaho.  I suppose Honey Oat Blenders falls on the side of beer and cigarettes?  Who knows?
Malt-o-Meal also does not have a product picture of this cereal on its web-page.  Also odd.

Read more »

Holiday Review - Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays of the year. There is just a warmth about it. I was actually born on Thanksgiving day. Yep, I was a month premature. So even before I was born I loved Thanksgiving and didn’t want to miss that one.

I am concerned about the trend in how Thanksgiving is being viewed. First of all, my grade-schoolers did not learn the traditional Thanksgiving story this year and my high-schoolers learned all about how the white man exploited the Indians, etc., etc. I could go on for hours about how much that ticks me off, but my overwhelming feeling is sadness. Can’t we hold onto any traditions in our society? Do they all have to have their bloody scabs ripped off of them exposing the infection beneath?

Then there’s Christmas. I’m not reviewing Christmas, that’s next month, but you wouldn’t know that based on what you and I have seen everywhere for the last several weeks. It use to be that Thanksgiving kicked off the Christmas holiday, but not anymore. Halloween stuff get’s put on the clearance aisle and Christmas stuff gets put up for display. And Thanksgiving is completely forgotten. It’s now just a lever to get people to shop for Christmas at their store. “Free Turkeys if you spend over $150 at our Pre-pre-pre Christmas sale”. It makes me sick.

So many people complain about Christ being taken out of Christmas. I’m sick to death of Thanks being taken out of Thanksgiving. We as a people officially no longer give a damn so why should we be thankful. Just because we’re the most prosperous people to ever grace this good Earth doesn’t mean we have to be thankful. Our poor are among the riches people in the world, what does that tell you?

It’s enough to make me give up and that’s just exactly what I’m going to do. So today, I’m going to go through the motions. I’m going to stuff and cook the turkey, bake the pies, mash the potatoes, and then consume it all within about 10 minutes then take a well deserved nap, but I’ve given up on this being a holiday of thanks. This is a day of gluttony and slothfulness and for that reason; Thanksgiving gets zero stars.

UPDATED:

And that is a classic example of what happens when you write a review on an empty stomach. Wow. What a psycho. Yes there is a lack of gratitude in the world and there are people who no longer care and sure Black Friday is coming sooner and sooner every year but so what?

I still love Thanksgiving. It's a time to remember what we have been blessed with and given. This year in particular has been completely amazing to me. My career has taken off in ways I never thought possible. My college aged kids are home for the holiday and despite how excited I was when they left, I'm absolutely delighted to have them back for the holiday. And I'm totally stoked for the feast that's cooking in the kitchen right now. Hope is restored and that is what Thanksgiving is all about. 4 Stars!!!

Read more »

Review of Disgust

     Disgust is an interesting thing. I wish people recognized that most of what triggers their reaction of disgust is purely a product of conditioning and learning. Naturally, disgust is also a physiological trigger to warn you of danger; but that function has almost completely been eradicated due to the invention of the refrigerator and the fact that people now recognize that green fuzzies are the universal indicator of nasty, spoiled crap. Nature’s response is not what I am referencing here, I’m referencing people’s inability to think past their conditioning and experience.

     Case in point, food. I have been doing a fair amount of travelling lately and have come in contact with all kinds of international cuisine. In order to enjoy travel, I believe that you need to embrace the culture and food of the region and keep an open mind. I find it hilarious that a billion people can eat something every day that another part of the world thinks is absolutely disgusting, and the feeling is reciprocated. If you try it with an open mind, thinking about what it is about this food that makes it appealing to them, you will likely enjoy your trip much more and actually find that your preconceived notions are completely without merit.

     Here is an example. In Sicily, it is quite common to eat horse. In the states, pretty horsies are not for dinner, but rather for exotic women to ride on beaches partially or completely disrobed. I was among Sicilian natives and was offered horse, so I partook. It wasn’t my favorite, but it wasn’t bad either. I could see how they eat it. When I got back and described this as one of my “adventures” I was shunned by my family and reprimanded by my mother. Not only was the meal disgusting in their eyes, but now that I had fully digested it, I had become disgusting as well, not to mention cruel.

     I see the same thing when I describe eating fish eyes, frogs, chicken feet, or pig organs on my travels. Eating insects is completely disgusting to most, yet other people eat them every day. Why can I flip the disgust switch and try things when so few others can? It is mental control people. Eating a monstrous fish eye is daunting, but if you consider that you eat cow ass almost every day, the eye is really the least offensive of the two. If you further consider that you grind up and extrude into a skin tube every filthy part of the pig that is unfit for dining and then throw in on a bun with mustard and pickle guts, maybe you will get my drift. It is all in your head, and to half of the rest of the world, your food is gross too. I try to explain this to people all of the time, but nobody gets it. They just say, “That’s so gross” and they are done. It never crosses their mind as to the reasons they feel the way they feel.

     If I poured milk chocolate into a mold the shape of a dog pile, could you eat it? If I put chocolate pudding into a clean baby diaper, could you mentally convince yourself to take a bite? Chocolate is chocolate, no matter the shape. Just ask an inebriated group of ladies at a bachelorette party.

Sure, I’ve been talking about food, but this also easily translates to …………. At first glance, a “filthy Sanchez” may seem disgusting to you…but have you tried it? And if you did, did you really do it with fervor and an open mind? Maybe the first time you saw a “Cincinnati bowtie” you puked ever so slightly in your mouth… but why? Was that just conditioning put in your brain by some mind closing preacher on Sunday?
    
     Try a “Crimson Scourge”, try it again; it may be twice as nice the second time around.

So ladies, quit thinking of your man’s freakish requests as disgusting, like that fish eye and horse meat. The disgusting part might just be in your head as a result of social conditioning. Besides, what’s the worst thing that could happen? The experience is truly horrifying and will be absolutely awful?..so …really, nothing has changed.

     I hate people’s preconceived notions of what is disgusting, but will give it 1 star because it just might protect you from Hep C.

Read more »

Forced Automobile Emissions Testing Review

I’m not a tree-hugger but I’m not completely environmentally unaware either. I mean I used to pour my used oil down the storm drain but now I know better and my used oil now goes in my compost pile. I even celebrate Earth Day each year by putting up a huge Christmas light display of 3000 lights that spells out “Happy Earth Day” on my roof. I like to run that for a week or two from dusk till dawn (thinking globally acting locally! )

But despite my new-found environmental awareness, the one thing I’m still having trouble accepting is the forced emissions testing of my vehicles. Let me explain and perhaps you’ll understand my problem with it.

I live on the outskirts of County “A” and I’m right on the border of County “C”. County “A” has had an emissions testing law in effect for almost 20 years now but because my town is so far off to the edge and borders County “C” which does not have an emissions testing law, we have not had to conform to it.

Two years ago the thumb-suckers running County “C” got on the Al Gore bandwagon and decided that they were going to adopt the same law and that my town would be included in their ordinance. Now every year I have to go get each of my 3 cars emissions tested otherwise they revoke the registration on that car. I can go to any testing station in the whole valley, whether it’s in County “A” or County “C” but if I don’t go to one in County “C” it will cost me $20 more. So of course I’m going to get mine tested in County “C”.

My town is not near anything, so when it got time to get my teenager’s car (a barely running 1997 Chevy Cavalier) tested, I drove it in to the closest testing station in County “C”. This was 22 miles away. I waited in line for 90 minutes with my car and A/C running because it was nearly 100 degrees. (By the way, the testing van was running the whole time with A/C on also). I got tested and failed because my gas cap was cracked. I leave, drive around for another 20 minutes until I found an auto parts store. Paid $20 for a cap, drove 20 minutes back to the testing station and waited in line for another 60 minutes with the A/C going to get retested. I pass, I pay them my $20 and move on. I drive the 22 miles back to my house. Well over 50 miles driven and over 3 hours of non-stop running of my car and A/C later, my car is good to go for another year.

Here’s the kicker. My teenager drives this car to school and back 5 days a week. That’s it. 3 miles round trip and maybe 8 minutes of total travel time per day. To get tested for emissions it actually took over 3 weeks of driving distance and about 4 weeks of driving time to do it. Does this make sense to anyone?

The other problem I have is most of these laws have exclusions if you are economically disadvantaged. If you don’t make enough money you can get a pass and essentially don’t have to get tested at all. Who among us has the cars with the worst emissions? Is it the wealthy or is it most likely the very people who don’t have to get emission tested?

The whole thing ticks me off because it isn’t doing anything to help the environment. And I give a damn about the environment. That’s why I keep all my windows in my house open during the summer in the hopes that my A/C will help cool the planet, just a little bit. See that’s what I do. I care.

Forced Emissions Testing of automobiles gets zero stars from me because it’s stupid.

Read more »

Working at Dominos review

I have been absent from reviews for the past two months. I would actually like to blame this on my laziness, but sadly I am going to blame my recently acquired second job. To supplement my income and to help pay off debt I started work as a dominos delivery driver over 2 months ago. I think I'll blame Dave Ramsey.

Side note: When I was looking for a dominos delivery driver in google images I literally only got pictures of felons that appeared in "Busted" magazine. I'm in good company.

Anyways, my job consists of picking up the pizzas from dominos, throwing them into my patented "Heat Wave" bag, and looking for the address. And by that I mean putting the address into my 3 year old GPS. This is where part of my headache comes in. My GPS and I have a love/hate relationship. I honestly believe it loves to hate me. Susan always tells me (yes, I call it Susan) that "the house is on the left in 100 feet." So i stop where she tells me to and I get out and walk up to the house she told me to go to. Only when I get close I see that the address is way off, so I start prowling the sidewalk, pizza bag in hand, and walk at least half a block to actually find the house. Then when I get there, the customer looks out at the street and jokes that I must have walked from the store itself. I always laugh because I have no backbone or integrity and I just want my tip.

Yes, for the 2 minutes I am at the customer's door I have to adapt myself to whoever I'm facing. If it's an old lady who can barely open her screen door I say "Hiiiiii.... howww arrrrreeee youuuu?" In the sweetest voice possible. She then gives me about 17 dollars in quarters and nickels. If a 50'ish man answers the door I greet him with "How's it going." In a very stern, non-questioning way. He then gives me a 2 dollar tip. If a semi-attractive woman answers the door I change my voice into my radio voice and give her the smolder, "Hi, how are YOU doing tonight?" That is where I usually get my 5 dollar tips.

After a typical delivery night I get about 50 dollars in tips. I've received much more, and much less. I get stiffed an average of twice a night and that is usually because a babysitter answers the door and requires exact change back so she can pocket it.

Honestly, delivering is not the worst part of the job. It's not all that hard to hand someone their food and get money for it. The worst part is the stuff the management thinks should be done afterward. I usually run pizzas constantly from 5 till 9, but then for a good two hours after I am washing the dishes. My first night of scrubbing butter and garlic out of greasy pizza pans I thought to myself, "I'm 30 and I'm washing dishes at a fast food joint." It really didn't take long for me to realize that I'm not above anything. Bachelors degrees don't quite guarantee prestige anymore.

When I tell people about this job the first thing they ask is if I get to eat pizza every night. I have previously always said that my desert island food is pizza. I could've sworn I would be able to eat it every day and never get sick of it. It only took me 2 weeks to start turning away the free "reject" pizza.

I have started a bucket list of things I need to see while I deliver. I've been able to cross off 2 good things. First is, a hot woman in a bathrobe. Second, a cougar propositioning me,

There is one pro when it comes to delivering - the tips. There are too many cons that may outweigh the cash in hand, such as; working 7 hours at night as soon as I get off of my day job, not seeing my family, and delivering pizza to former college classmates and feeling like you have to explain yourself and how you're not a failure.

If anyone were to need a second job to make some cash then dominos would fit the bill, but now after 2 months of delivering I am ready to quit, or perhaps I'd be willing to stay longer if more items on my delivery bucket list were fulfilled. 2 stars.

Read more »

Crest Complete Multi-benefit Extra White +Scope Outlast -Lasting Mint Toothpaste Review

I'm very fickle when it comes to my choice of toothpaste.  I've literally tried every brand/flavor/color/texture out there.  I've never had a monogamous relationship with my toothpaste.  I'm the Charlie Sheen of the toothpaste industry--I'll put anything into my mouth.

Baking soda?  Sure!
Seaweed?  You bet!
Bacon flavor?  Hell yes!!

Given that I regularly wake up with a half-inch layer of musty fuzz on my tongue, having a strong, effective toothpaste is very important to me.  I'm very conscious of my breath and oral hygeine.  I'm a floss nazi, and enjoy a nightly water-pik knifing of my gums.

I have yet to find a toothpaste that does everything I need.
In a perfect world, my toothpaste would do the following:
Eliminate plaque
Whiten my teeth
Kill germs that cause bad breath
Cause the dentist to utter the following when looking into my mouth. "Damn...that's nice."
Not taste like diesel fuel

In an attempt to find this ideal toothpaste, I recently picked up Crest Complete Multi-benefit Extra White +Scope Outlast - Lasting Mint toothpaste.
That is a minty mouthful.

I imagine that to cut costs, Crest fired their entire marketing team.  Rather than come up with a clever name for this toothpaste like Frosty Mint or Lightning White, they just listed everything they knew about the toothpaste.
I'm surprised they also didn't have "striped mint, paste/gel, tube, for use in mouth" appended to the end of this name.  Or maybe they just ran out of room on the box for it.

Regardless of Crest's propensity for verbose product names, this is a very good toothpaste.  It might even be a keeper.
I'm very suspicious of any toothpaste that claims it "whitens."  By definition, as you brush your teeth they should be whiter.  I usually take these claims with a grain of salt.
What I did find to be desirable with this toothpaste, is the strong minty taste.  It packs a punch, and instantly gives good breath.  Plus, Crest claims that the good breath will last 5x longer due to the "Scope Outlast" portion of the paste.  I will concur that the refreshing taste of scope is present long after brushing.
In addition, this paste has a good "foam quotient."  (Amount of foam created during brushing)  The foam holds well in the mouth but doesn't go as far as to give you that Cujo look which inevitably starts dripping on your shirt.

This is a solid toothpaste for all ranges of oral needs.  If you just need a strong toothpaste to cure your morning dragon breath, or if you enjoy regurgitating your food in order to lose weight (not condoned by this site), this is a good choice to ail your stinky chops.  Your friends, family, and casual partners will thank you.
Four strong foamy stars.

Read more »

Ed Hardy King Dog Energy Mints and Chocolate Rocks Review

     It never ceases to amaze me how many different things you can throw caffeine into.  Everything from marshmallows to mints, chocolates to toilet paper. Well maybe not toilet paper yet, but since there’s caffeinated toothpaste we can only assume it’s a matter of time right? With that being said, I can only hope that as the Review Editor Towards All Remarkable Discoveries, I will be on the front line to put my body at risk so you’ll know if a product sucks or not! Let’s get down to business shall we?

   There are a lot of different aspects that make a caffeinated product worthy of a Review Spew gold star. It has to be presentable, meaning a cool or eye grabbing package. It can’t taste like the inside of Sarah Jessica Parker’s shoe, (don’t ask how I know that), and of course it has to be packed so full of caffeine that when I consume it, time itself begins to stand still.  So with this in mind, I took two products from the Ed Hardy line up and put them to the test!

        The first product I tested were the “Ed Hardy Chocolate Rocks”. I’m not going to lie, every time I read this label I started to sing that Chef Song from South Park. You know the one where you replace rocks with another word and add some salt. That’s right, now it’s stuck in your head too sucker!
So now that we have the theme music going, let me break down the package for you, on the far left we have a Bulldog who’s wearing a diamond collar, a black and white checkerboard engineer hat who has two crisscrossed Band-Aids on his cheek that look about as cool on it as it did on Nelly in 2002. Then turn the box around and you have what looks to be one very pissed off Jaguar. WTF, yep I was thinking the same thing.

        As for the Chocolate Rocks themselves? Let’s just say I found these things about as appealing as the actual actor ‘The Rock”, and no I didn’t think Tooth Fairy was an amazing blockbuster! At first taste, they were way too sugary.  If you can make it past that, you then get the uninvited pleasure of a very bitter coffee taste that seems to attach to your palate like a fat chick at a rave. The only good thing I can say about these is that they are very caffeinated, but then again just because a Pinto gets good gas mileage doesn’t make it a great car now does it?  1 Star for the caffeine pop...but little else.

I really hate to end this on a bad note.  Luckily the other product, the “Ed Hardy King Dog Energy Mints” reclaims a bit of the tarnished family name.

        At first glance the packaging looks very nice, being presented in a red metal tin with yellow lettering. Yes there still is a Bulldog, but this time with no Band-Aids or checkerboard hats. Instead we have a crown and spiked collar, something that actually makes sense and fits the name of the product, amazing! The over all taste wasn’t too bad, there is a bit of an unpleasant after taste, but compared to the Chocolate Rocks, these things are great! So in conclusion, just like the Rocks acting career, I think the Chocolate Rocks will slowly be forgotten about and just like most story book endings, the king always prevails!
4 strong minty stars!!

Read more »

MMA Review

Several of my reviews have mentioned something about fighting, Muay Thai kickboxing, MMA (mixed martial arts), or Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I can't help it, I am obsessed. The more I do it, the more I can't stop thinking about it. The more I watch it, the more I want to watch. Considering the proximity to your partner, the amount of heavy breathing, and the perpetual sweat, this is really the closest thing to sex that you can do with a hetero buddy and still talk about at the office on Monday. The question is why? What draws me to this sport that causes continual injury? What makes me endure the beatings that I take on a regular basis? The workout is amazing, yes, but as I think about it, my true passion for the sport has more to do with the mental regression to barbaric times. For a few rounds, I connect with my ancestors of old and mentally propel myself back to a time when men battled for survival. A time when it was just you against your opponent. In those moments, there is no one to help you. You win or you lose, there will be no intervention by Obama to make everyone equal. No government agency is going to step in and imbue you with skills from a more advanced fighter just because you "deserve" to win a fight. The blame or the spoils fall on you and you alone. Imagine that. You didn't think I could "roll" a political statement into a meathead sport review? Well then you underestimate me my friend. I guess this has always been the case with me and my sports. Running a marathon, biking, lifting weights, and one-on-one sports have always been my preference, and honestly, I think that deep down this is the reason why. Wow.... do I digress.

Anyhow, the other thing I noticed with my fight buddies as we sink deeper into our fighting obsession is an "incorporation" of our workouts into everyday life. So, in true plagiaristic fashion, I will now show homage to Mr. Foxworthy by making my own pseudo-Redneck list.

"You might be an MMA fighter if"

You find yourself in your wife's guard.... and move to side control.
Your wife tries to hug you and you side step to work the angles.
Your wife hugs you and you try to counter her underhooks.
You have air kicked any member of your family, particularly your children.
You have taught your 5 year old the proper way to sink in a rear naked choke.
Your son gets in a fight at school and you ask if he tapped.
You wear tie on Sunday but it was still made by Tapout.
You've been "caught" more than once in the guard of another man.
Your wife gets aggressive and you sweep her.
When you shake someone's hand, your left fist naturally moves to the side of your face for protection.
You shave before rolling because you don't want to give your buddy beard burn.
You have ever gotten an injury from another man's cup.
You fantasize about fights more than you fantasize about sex.
You use the term North-South to make the 69 position you were in with your buddy sound better to your wife.

For those of you that think MMA is just a bunch of unskilled psychos that just slug it out, you really have no idea. The skill set required to be good is ridiculous and the workout is unmatched. With the exception of a propensity for injury, I really don't see any sport as its equal. I'll continue to do it for as long as I can, but there is no doubt, this sport is not for the weak or faint of heart. If you want a real rush, give it a try. If your body is more "couch ready" than "gym ready" then at least set the DVR to record Spike. Give it a chance and you will be hooked. I give MMA and Mr. Dana White of the UFC 5 kick-ass stars. Great sport, and great marketing my friend.

Read more »