Holiday Review - Halloween

I came up with the idea of a year-long series of holiday reviews. Since Halloween is the official start of the “Holiday Season” I thought I would start with it.

I remember as a child, Halloween was one of my favorite days of the year, so it’s with a sense of irony that I reflect on how much I loath Halloween as an adult / parent.

As a child I relished the idea of dressing up in costume and going to school for our costume parade. Then that evening, I would go out with my dad, knocking on doors and getting candy. Free candy!!! I remember there were always 2 or 3 houses that if they knew your family then they would give you a regular sized candy bar instead of the mini. This was the best thing ever for a 4-foot-10 200-pound kid. I was in hog heaven. Souie!

As a teenager it was all about haunted houses, and overnight horror-movie-festivals with my buddies which was cool. The problem is my group of friends was A-typical in that we did not get drunk or smoke pot or any of those things, in other wards we were a parent’s best dream. Most of these teen parties going on were drunken orgies of the John Hughes variety.

So what on earth about the above description could possibly be appealing to me as a parent? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Halloween brings out the worse primal instincts in children. Greed and gluttony. So best case they don’t beat up another kid for his loot and don’t develop type-2 diabetes. So sorry, but that hardly seems worth all of the time and expense that goes into the whole damn thing. Best case for teenagers is they don’t get Chlamydia. And that is not too appealing to a parent either.

But you can’t blame the children for this at all. It’s the parents that are 100% to blame because Halloween also brings out the most base instincts in a good number of them as well. This includes: The need to have the best Halloween decorations to “out-do the Joneseseses”. This leads to huge expenditures on lights, pumpkins and even the costumes they buy for their kids.

Then there’s the need to make sure their kids get “everything they deserve and have coming to them”. I can’t tell you how many parents have knocked on my door with their 6-month old baby in their arms and a couple of kids in tow and after giving the kids their treats, the mom says in a baby voice “Hey don’t forget about mine”, meaning the 6-month old. It’s pathetic. I heard a story a while back about a guy who owned a video store and on Halloween one year he decided to hand out brand new VHS copies of popular movies instead of candy. He did this for 2 years but by the time the 3rd year rolled around, the word was out. The line of cars to his house was miles long and the police had to come out to restore order. I’ve also heard of people driving their kids to “nicer” neighborhoods in order to get better loot.

There are a few things I still love about Halloween. The Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror is still highly rated in my book. Also, I love getting my hair cut at Supercuts on Halloween because they’re all dressed like strippers, call-girls or whores, and I do enjoy taking my “cut” of my kids’ candy haul. So I guess in that sense, Halloween brings out the worse in me as well. My inner-child would give Halloween 5 stars but in my opinion it deserves a Big Fat Zero!!!!

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Icy Blast Irish Spring Soap Review

I think I have a soap fetish.  I get all hot and bothered over new fruity hand soaps and unique body washes.  I'm tending towards OCD as I wash my hands often, just so I can smell the soapy scent afterwards.

My soap-worship isn't just for my phalanges in the sink.  In the shower, I use a 2-soap starting rotation.  Most of the time I use a masculine body wash--generally Axe. (I hope that it will drive my wife to flock to my scent--it doesn't work)  I also have a bar soap for days when I need a down and dirty scrubbing.  Until recently, our household had been a Lever 2000 family.  It has a faint scent, and rates a "medium" on the suds scale.  I liked it, but am always up for something new.

I decided to throw a curve ball on my recent trip to Costco, and bought a 128-pack of Icy Blast Irish Spring bar soap.  You remember Irish Spring right?  Terrible commercials from the 80's.  Who's even been to an actual Irish Spring?  Bad-toothed guys singing and swimming around?  Who knows?

Anyhow, I've put this soap to use over the past couple weeks, and it has strong points and weak points.

It's very strong smelling.  If you don't like the scent, beware--it takes over your entire bathroom.  As it is, the Icy Blast smells better than the original Irish Spring scent to me.  Thumbs up.

It lathers very well.  It garners a "high" rating on the suds scale.  I like to suds my entire body up and then run around my house like a rotund white Muppet.  Unfortunately, the suds start sliding down in the first couple minutes.  Thumbs up for me--Thumbs down for everyone else.

If you leave it near standing water in the shower, you'll turn the bar into a pile of mush.  While all bar soaps have this problem, Irish Spring seems to be worse.  Thumbs down.

It is kind of "grainy."  The soap has a kind of gritty cleaning effect going on...nothing like Lava, but enough to take off that top layer of dead skin cells.  I like it.  Thumbs up. (obviously if you're into self-harm in the shower this would not be ideal--unless you like gritty self-harm)

If you still use bar soap, I would consider this a must-try in your cleanliness arsenal.  It's a strong scent, and anything that can mask or clean away fat-man stench is a positive in my eyes.  Plus, if you buy in the Costco Mega-pack, each bar runs less than 50 cents.  4 squeaky clean stars!

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Viator.com Vatican Tour Review

This year has been a big travel year for me because of my work. I have found myself in several foreign countries, usually alone, trying to see the sights in any downtime that I could muster. I don't know any language besides English and high school Spanish, so I am the epitome of the stereotypical stupid American traveler. That being said, I found myself in Rome for one day last month and, being alone, decided I would see absolutely everything I possible could in that one day. (Side note: I don't recommend this if you have any other options, you want to take your time in Rome.)

I am a big fan of history and art, so Rome is pretty much the best place on the planet for someone like me. If there was any chance of being an art major and working anywhere that doesn't end each transaction with "Would you like fries with that?", then I swear I would have bailed on Engineering and pursued Art in college. But we live in the real world here, and just like our friends with music and philosophy majors, a PHD in art is just about as lucrative as a GED. (Please, no hate mail from the 3 of you with one of the above mentioned degrees that can actually pay your mortgage.)

So, one of the biggies for me on this trip was the Vatican. I had read some things online about early entry tours and skipping the monstrous line for time savings, so I had to try it as I would be racing the clock that whole day. As with all things internet related, I was more than skeptical and trust absolutely no one. Viator had tons of excellent reviews for just such tours, but again, I was sure most of those were false and I would likely end up paying $100 to a spammer in Nepal that wouldn't know the Vatican from a vacuum.

Nonetheless, I risked it, paid my cash, and showed up on the steps of the Vatican with an internet receipt in my hand fully expecting no one to be there. I figured worst case, I would wait for the doors to open and stand in line with the rest of the people that had been swindled online. I have to say that I couldn't have been more wrong. The tour guide was there early, and was just as advertised. She spoke English perfectly and knew everything about anything that I asked. The tour, as promised, was less than 10 people in size and we were granted early access and skipped all lines. I couldn't have been more tickled with this purchase. We also saw many rooms that others without the tour hadn't seen. I didn't feel rushed and had all the time I needed. She was funny, knowledgeable, and honestly, worth every penny. It also saved me many precious hours that I spent at the other sites in Rome. I add my full endorsement to Viator tours.

Next month I will be in Shanghai, and like Rome, will only have one day off of work to see the sights. I will definitely be booking a tour with Viator and hope the tour in China will come close to the one in Rome... they have some big shoes to fill.

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Medical Cauterization Review

Did you realize that doctors here in America still use cauterization as a method for closing incisions and wounds? What freak’n year is it? Do I live in America or Mozambique? We got rid of leeching but not cauterization? Perhaps there is still a place in society for it. I suppose reviewing the times I’ve experienced it would shed some light on its usefulness.

It is the spring of 1983 and I’m 12 years old and I suddenly found myself sneezing almost non-stop. I had never experienced something like this (but it’s continued for the nearly 30 years since). The last straw was when I woke up one morning with a bloody shirt, a bloody pillow and screaming my head off because I honestly thought I was dying. Turned out I had severe allergies and had ruptured my nasal membrane. What was the cure back in the 1900s for such a thing? You guessed it. Cauterization. I honestly don’t remember much of it because I have blocked most of it out, but it hurt like hell and that smell of my own flesh burning persisted for weeks. But hey, great news, it stopped the bleeding if not the sneezing.

Ten years later, Clinton was President (and still had a wasteline) and I found myself proudly holding my third child (and it was almost our 3rd wedding anniversary). We decided that perhaps 3 kids was enough. So I went in and got a vasectomy. Now back in those barbaric days with their backwards 20th century ways, they use to filet your sack completely open like a fish, cut the tubes and yes, cauterize the ends. This I have not been able to block out from my memory. I wake up most nights in a cold sweat remembering the smell of my burning flesh. How could I forget. It was as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. But no more kids (at least till I had the vasectomy reversed), so maybe medical cauterization works.

But that was so last century. Certainly we have left that all behind (at least till Obamacare fully kicks in) right? Right? Apparently not. In a previous review I reviewed cryogenic removal of skin tags and if you recall I did not recommend it. I strongly recommended at the time that you should insist on the “Just lop them off with a scalpel” method. So when I went in to have more tags removed, I took my own advice and insisted on them just cutting them off. And they did, and it hurt but I was content because I knew they would all be healed up within a week. She was almost done, and being completely numb in the area she was removing them I was blissfully unaware that she had closed the wounds with (you guessed it) cauterization.

I could not have been more surprised when she said “OK, I’ve got them all cauterized and those will scab over, turn black and fall off within a few weeks.” What the hell? She leaves the room and I rush over to the mirror and sure enough I look like someone whose father use to punish them by putting out his cigarettes on their neck. It hurt and it kept on hurting for weeks, and guess what? 6 weeks later I still have scars from it and I’m afraid I will have them forever. You know there is this stuff kind styptic powder that staunches the flow of blood instantly without causing additional harm.

Don’t doctors have to take some sort of oath about not causing additional harm? I don’t know. I’ve decided I’m not a huge fan of medical cauterization but I must admit it does work and for that I will give it one star. Why not more? Because it’s completely barbaric and stupid that’s why. If your doctor ever says they’re going to use it, go ahead and say yes and when they go to do it, grab the cauterizer and stab them in the frick’n eyeball and see how they like it. Stupid doctors!

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Stauffer's Smurftastic Iced Berry Cookie Review

As a self-proclaimed cookie glutton, I am always on the prowl for something new to add to my nightly repertoire of cookie snacking bliss. (with milk)  Although nothing can replace a double stuf Oreo, I have no problem sneaking out on them to sample the newest cookie wearing something flashy.  I have no problem paying for it as well.  I'm a cookie John.

Thus, I was ecstatic to find that Stauffer's had melded two of the greatest throw-backs from my child-hood.  Iced cookies and the Smurfs.

I used to spend countless hours watching Papa Smurf, Gargamel, and the rest of the crew.  The only one I disliked was Smurfette.  What a Smurf tease.  She gave new meaning to the term blue balls.

My friends have even call me rotund cynical smurf.  I think he's the one that looks like Brad Pitt.

Stauffer's has come out with Smurftastic iced berry cookies.  I took one look at the store, and threw them in my grocery cart.  They looked Smurfariffic.

I full well intended on consuming at least half the bag of these visually delicious cookies that night.  I had a large glass of milk, and sat down to watch an episode of Breaking Bad.

From the very first bite I could tell that something was wrong.  My vision blurred, my heart rate quickened. (from a resting rate of 98)  My tongue started to go numb, and my taste buds went into full rejection mode.
The best way I can describe these cookies is for you to imagine that you are eating a graham cracker topped with cherry chap-stick.  Then throw in a little after-taste of Febreze.
These are the worst cookies I have ever eaten...EVER!
To fully convince myself that I hadn't eaten a "bad one", I tried another.  I then realized that they were ALL "bad ones."

I would only recommend these cookies to starving children in third world countries.  Although not for eating.  I think they would best be used crushed up and put into a mortar base to build houses for the poor.

Other uses for these cookies come to mind:
You can feed them to your pets in lieu of bringing them to the Vet so they can be "put down."
Chop them up and place the bits into fruitcake or jello.
Use them as shotgun skeets.
Christmas gingerbread decorations.
Force suspected terrorists to eat instead of water-boarding. (this is much crueler)

If we had a negative star rating, I would give it here.  A big fat zero doesn't say enough about these horrible snacks.  Purchase at your own risk.

P.S. Even more stupid is the contest they're running.  If you find the Papa Smurf in a bag of cookies, you win a vacation to New York City.  2nd prize is a box of animal cookies.  Really?  More cookies as a prize?  How about the guarantee that these cookies will dissolve in a land-fill before the next millennium.

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Lays Kettle Cooked Jalapeño Flavored Potato Chips - Take It or Leave It

I’m not a big fan of Kettle-cooked potato chips. I’m not a big fan of Kettle-corn for that matter. I guess you could say I’m a Kettle-ist. What the hell is a kettle anyway? What makes it different than a frying pan? Is it the lack of a Teflon non-stick coating? Kettle chips hurt my teeth plain and simple and they are far too noisy for their own good. I don’t like drawing that much attention to myself. I do however enjoy eating them in bed when my wife is trying to sleep. It drives her crazy. She tries to wear earplugs but that doesn’t stop the chip crumbs from flying into her hair as I’m consuming mouthfuls at a time.

The true problem is if you put Jalapeños into anything…I cannot say no to it. Jalapeños and Cheddar crackers? Done. Jalapeños Burgers? Done. Jalapeños flavored Cheerios? Done. Man I wish they would make those. Anyway, I just tried a bag of Lays Kettle Cooked Jalapeño Flavored Potato Chips. They have such a good flavor and have that cumulative effect that I love so much about Jalapeños. Burns so good. The single-serving bag size was bigger than standard which made them all the better. They’re perfect to satisfy any snack need. I still can’t abide their uppity loud crunch or the pain they inflict upon my sensitive teeth but if I see them in the store again….I’ll Take It!!! By which I mean I’ll pay for them…just so we’re clear.

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Dexter season 6 episode 1 review

October is a very good time of year. Not only is it my favorite month, but it's also a great time for TV. And no, I don't mean because you get to see Chaz Bono boot-scoot on Dancing with the stars. Two great series return to cable TV this month, The Walking Dead and Dexter.

As far as the quality of past Dexter seasons go, seasons 1 and 4 are on equal ground. Seasons 2 and 3 are very good but not quite up to the the quality of the previous seasons listed. Season 5 had a lot going against it. How could it ever follow the season before? There is no way that they could top the Trinity Killer, especially with Julia Stiles. I don't hate season 5 as much as other people do, but it just felt like every character that is not named Dexter just stayed stagnant or became less likable.

Mild spoilers follow.

So it doesn't hurt that Dexter can only go up from here. My expectations were low, so I went into this season premiere ready for anything to happen. It sets everything up for an interesting season. Dex's son, Harrison, is almost ready to start preschool. Deb and Quinn have been dating for a while and are about to take the possible next step. Thank goodness that Laguerta and Batista are now divorced and we don't have to deal with the whiny jealous politics of last season.

Faith and religion are going to take center stage this season. We've already seen Dexter admitting that he believes in nothing but sees the need to bring his son up with religious morals rather than Harry's Code. His first victim, who had a Jesus tattoo, pleaded with Dexter that his sins would be forgiven if Dexter let him go. And now in the fray are the 2 possible "big bads" of the season. Edward James Olmos and his murderous apprentice Colin Hanks. They quote the book of Revelations and it looks like they will stage their murders after prophecies of the Bible.

I am definitely on Team Edward (James Olmos). And Colin Hanks has the capability to be a definite creeper. Dexter's inner monologue is as great as ever. One of the highlights of this episode happens as Dexter attends his high school reunion and is propositioned by the former prom queen. As he tries to talk his way out of it, the dark passenger finally tells him "Shut up, Dexter." Also classic is Harry's role as he plays ghost dad who is cheering his son on in the football game and reunion dance. Classic stuff.

I am very excited about the rest of the season and am really hoping that some main characters start dying off soon. Is that wrong?

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