Dyson Airblade Hand Dryer Review

The evolution of bathroom hand drying techniques seems to be in a rut.  In the last month or so, I've been in public restrooms that included the following:

The circular cloth towel--Really?  Take a 12 foot towel, and stick it on a couple rolls so that it just spins on itself for years...no maintenance required.  Most likely they knew that guys don't wash their hands very often, and thus the towel would have time to dry out before it spun around again to another unknowing victim.

5mph air hand dryer--This is stil the most common.  Push the button, vigorously rub hands together for 4 minutes while a faint breeze emanates from the dryer.  Then wipe remaining water onto your jeans.

Manual paper towel holder--Close...but no cigar.  I don't want to touch someone else's man-junk-germs to turn the roll in order to get paper towels. (I know..I should unroll it before I wash my hands, but I don't EVER want man-junk-germs to come in contact with my hands.  Unless they're my germs...which smell like roses)

I know what you're thinking.  I spend a lot of time in public restrooms.
While true, it is mainly for relieving my over-active bladder.

I have long wished that the hand-drying industry would revolutionize their industry--kind of like razors do.  I mean come on--First there was 1 blade.  And then they added--get this--ANOTHER BLADE!  What did they think of next??  ANOTHER BLADE!!  Where do they come up with these genius ideas?  My current razor has 5--count'em--5 blades.  I'm not sure where they'll go from here.  It's anybody's guess.

Finally, this time has come.  Dyson (who is mainly known for sucking) has turned their attention to blowing.  They have created a hand-drying system that is supposed to solve all our wet-hand problems, heal the sick, and run for President.  It is called the Airblade.
This has actually been around for a few years, but when one spends the majority of their time in rest-stop bathrooms, new technology isn't really abundant.

This hand dryer has two gaps in the top where you place your wet hands.  Then you pull slowly upward as 400mph wind shoots through to dry each hand.  In around 10 seconds, your hands are dry, and are on your way.

There are many positives to this method:
No chance for man-junk-germs to be transferred as it is hands-free. 
Your hands are actually dry when this has completed.
OK...maybe not many positives.  But these two are the most important.

Potential negatives:
Trying to play the adult version of "Operation" and putting your hands into the slots without touching the sides.
This being the only hand-drying method in the bathroom.  You see, if there are no paper towels, how am I going to open the door when I leave?  Touch it with my hands?
Placing these in rest-stop restrooms where on a quiet night, a lonely trucker will attempt Dyson blow job.

I'm all for increasing cleanliness in public restrooms.  In fact, if the Dyson Airblade weren't so expensive, I'd purchase one for my home.  But that's reallly not necessary as I don't wash my hands at home.  My home...my germs.
4 stars for this fantastic device.

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El Monterey Tornados Review

Just in case you’re not a regular reader of my reviews, let me reiterate that I’m a big fat fatty. Now with my qualifications securely stated …. onto the review. I stopped into a convenience store the other night on my way home because (drum roll please) I was hungry. And when I’m hungry, just watch out. Imagine a Big Fat Fatty waddling down the street screaming “JIM HUNGRY….JIM HUNGRY…MUST EAT” as his fat butt is knocking over buildings, and such.

OK so I looked around for a few minutes and found myself over by the dog-griller. You know what I’m talking about right? Those delightful rolling cookers that are ever present at every convenience store across this great land of ours? And there they were. Nestled between some dried up leathery chorizo and something so plump and bulbous that it set off my gay-dar, was the food item that would forever alter the course of my life. Tornados. It looked like they normally had a larger selection but at this moment they only had 2 varieties, Pork Verde and Grilled Chicken and Cheddar, and they were only 2 bucks for 2. I went with 2 Pork Verde.

My first bite I found myself saying, “Wow that’s about the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten.” But I suddenly found myself compelled to finish it and then before I could bat an eye, I had snarfed down the second one. It had such a great spicy bite to it that I couldn’t help myself. If I hadn’t already been 2 miles down the road I would have returned and gotten more. These things were awesome. I stopped at 2 other convenience stores that were on my way home and they didn’t have any.

I could think of little else the rest of the evening. My wife came up to me “Jim I’m pregnant.” “That’s nice dear, do we have any Tornados”. My 10 year old son came up to me “I got expelled from school today.” “That’s nice son, do you have any Tornados”. My 17 year old son came up to me and slapped me across the face “Dad have some self respect for heaven’s sake. You sicken and disgust me.” “That’s nice son, do you have any Tornados”.

Sleep was a burden but when it finally came I dreamt of … Tornados, all the next day at work I thought about … Tornados. Finally the time came and I found myself passing the same convenience store on my way home. I bought 6 Tornados. On a side note, the same Chorizo was there and even more withered, and the other thing was even plumper and more bulbous and I was actually somewhat curious, but I digress. 20 minutes later I had 2 Pork Verde, 2 Cheese and Pepperoni and 2 Ranchero Steak and Cheese Tornados in my gullet. HOLY CRAP they are so good.

It took 3 whole days for me to realize that the same convenience store was not just on my way home from work but was also on my way to work. Do you know what they serve at this convenience store at 6:30 in the morning? BREAKFAST TORNADOS!!!! French Toast and Sausage, Bacon Egg and Cheese, Apple Cinnamon, and the options went on and on.

By day 4 I realized I had to find out who made them. The evening staff would not budge on the store policy of not saying, but the slightly baked night clerk named “Crick” that greeted me each morning was more than happy to tell me that they used El Monterey brand Tornados. Now with that knowledge in my head I have found that they are plentiful for purchase on-line and at your local grocer. Now I just need to convince the wife that we absolutely need one of those rolling grillers in our kitchen!

Do I have to say it? I guess we should make it official. El Monterey Tornados are a Certified ReviewSpew All-Star!!! Get you some at your earliest convenience. You will NOT regret it. I guarantee it!

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Scott Naturals Flushable Wipes

So I was walking by a lake with a buddy of mine the other day and he sheepishly says to me “Hey Meatwad, do you ever have that not-so-fresh feeling, you know….back there?” I just smiled, put my hand on his shoulder and in my most reassuring voice said “Of course Matt, at some point or another, all men do”. The problem lies in the fact that with all of the progress of the last 100 years, nothing has really changed in the way of backside barnacle brushing. We still use wadded tissue and a dry process for fecal freshening. How is this possible? If you had muck on your hands, you wouldn’t wipe it off with a paper towel and think you were clean. Why then do we do exactly that with our daily ablutions? It is barbaric, and I have just recently had the courage to confront this taboo subject and make a change in my household.

A few days ago, after someone emailed me a link from Slickdeals.com, I added Scott Naturals Flushable Wipes as my new potty partner. Simply stated....Genius. These are the equivalent of flushable baby wipes for adults. What took us so long to come up with that? Amazon had a great deal on them too, so these didn’t break the bank. Now, I basically handle the heavy lifting with my standard 2-ply and then do the touch-up and detailing with these moist toilettes. In just a few days, I have to say that my derrière has never been happier.

The results are astounding. I feel as fresh as a mountain meadow and I swear that if my hiney was a kitchen floor, you could eat dinner off of it. I now leave the water closet with a stride of confidence never before experienced. Never again will I have to have a mid-day undie swap because my tidy-whities look like they were involved in a mud-bogging tractor pull. Never again will I have to fashion a T.P. based “man-pon” as a boxer brief barrier. Never again will I have to wipe till I bleed or risk having to sneak another pair of filthy shorts into the community trash can at work. The clouds have parted and it is the dawn of a new day.

Until that amazing time in the future where crack hair doesn’t exist or we find out once and for all how the 3 shells from “Demolition Man” work, I am convinced that this bidet in a box is the answer for the majority of bodagit bearing boys out there. Alliteration aside, these things are fantastic. Just because I’m no longer a baby, doesn’t mean I don’t love feeling “baby fresh”. I give these five squeaky-clean stars.

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Secret Life of an American Teenager -- Take It or Leave It

My wife is totally hooked on this TV show called The Secret Life of an American Teenager. She’s watched every episode on Netflix and cannot seem to get enough of it. I walked through the living room while she was watching it and heard 3 different conversations and each and every one of them was about sex. That’s all they talk about. Have you heard about this show? It’s unbelievable

Now as a father of 3 teenagers it made me kind of nervous so I ask my 18 year old daughter if this is really what it’s like and she says, “No dad, this show is in California. That doesn’t go on here.” I almost relaxed until my 17 year old son (whose humor slants in the same direction as mine) says “Dad it wouldn’t be a secret life if we told you about it.” So I don’t know what to believe. All I know is it has made my wife very, very, very….ummmm how should I put this? Let’s just say that any show that puts my wife into a perpetual state of rigorous randy-ness is A-Okay with me. In other words, I’ll Take It!!!!!

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The Genesis Key Book Review

The management here at reviewspew.com are real head-cases. They take the fact that it’s been just over 2 months since my last review and have been freaking out on me for the last 4 weeks. OK, I get it, I signed on with the intent of writing regular reviews and I haven’t been doing that of late. But the methods used to get me back into the game have been pathetic. I hear from them comments like “Remember when you use to write reviews? Wasn’t that cool?” As if that’s going to get me to write a review. Sheesh. Then they inform me that they have revoked my blogger rights and can no longer review. I didn’t even bat an eye. I knew they were bluffing. Then last night I tell them through a text that I’m watching a certain movie. They asks “How was it”. I tell them and they reply “You should review it. You have a real talent for it.” So they went from subtle to threats to stroking my ego. Give me a break. It just won’t work.

OK, onto my review.

I love first time authors. I really do. A first time author has written the book they have been dreaming about and thinking about for 10, 20 or even 30 years. While they toiled away at being a parent or a parking attendant or whatever they did with their lives, this book was always in the back of their mind. So when they finally get it out on paper, and it’s good enough to be published, it’s normally pure genius. Two cases in point: The Hunt For Red October and The Firm.

So when looking for a toss-away-book to read while on my lunch break or using the toilet, I found this little gem called “The Genesis Key” by James Barney. When I read that it was Mr. Barney’s first novel, that sealed the deal and before long I was anxiously turning the pages. It is gripping from the very beginning, with short chapters that typically end on a mini-cliff-hanger. I like books like that.

It was very reminiscent of Dan Brown with a little sprinkle of Michael Chrighten’s early work. In other words: Awesome. It did have a point somewhere around the two-thirds mark where it started to drag, but not to the point that I could have allowed myself to throw it away (I have done that with some books).

This is not great literature. It will never be analyzed in a college English class or even a high school honors English class. But I suspect we’ll be hearing from Mr. James Barney again real soon. But I could be wrong. Perhaps he only had the one novel in him. Check it out for yourself, I think you’ll enjoy it.

I give The Genesis Key 4 stars. I’ll see you guys around Christmas time!!!!

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Fantasy Fighting Review

Whereas 80% of my walking around in the daytime fantasies used to be sexual in nature, sizing up women and imagining them attacking me in every conceivable scenario, the majority of my focus has now moved to men and the nature of the “attack” has drastically changed. Let me explain. Whenever I am in public, I am always on guard. I am constantly assessing the situation, looking for the sinister folk, planning exits if something “Goes Down”. I am paranoid and know that 99% of all people want to hurt, maim, or steal from me or my family. Most of all, now that I have been involved in Muay Thai training and some boxing and grappling over the last year, I find myself fantasy fighting guys in my head all of the time. I plan out my attack, my defense, and the exchange of taunts or retorts before the barrage of elbows and fists. If my wife and kids are with me, it is 10X worse. I am continually trying to figure out how to protect them from abduction while simultaneously ripping out wind pipes and buckling knees.

I understand how ridiculous this is because there is no way that things would really happen the way they do in my head. The fact of the matter is, I’m not that great a fighter and if push came to shove, I would likely wet myself. I also realize that this is the behavior of a 10 yr old boy pretending to be a ninja and beating up the bad guys. That being said, I can’t stop doing it and to be honest, I am getting more cavalier in my fantasies and it is affecting real life. In reality, I have stared down a few guys that were giving me the eye and fully intended to teep kick them into next week. The other day, after just such a stare down, I fantasy fought a 55 yr old man in my head that was about 4 foot tall and roughly 300 lbs…and I might add that I kicked his ass! I am sick, I have a problem, and I know it. It won’t be cured until I actually get in a fight and get destroyed by a 120lb 6th grader. Until then, in my head, I charge on as an MMA master. I'm preparing mentally, I'm building up confidence, and I am getting in touch with my inner warrior. If you have a problem with it, I suggest you tread lightly my friend... because in my head, you're about to receive the ass whoopin' of your life.

I give fantasy fighting 4 stars for now as I have not yet been stomped in real life as a result. A man has got to dream.

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The Expendables Movie Review--Take it or Leave it

Let me pre-state that I am not a movie elitist, movie supremacist, or movie bigot.  I don't rave solely about independent movies or hold everything to the standard of writing of Christopher Nolan.  I loved the A-team (the new one), AVP, and the Neverending Story.  That being said--I recently watched what I consider to be the worst movie I've seen this year.

To be considered a decent movie, you need 2 of the 3 "cinematic legs" to hold up the proverbial stool. (this movie and stool go hand in hand)
1--Explosions
2--Story and Dialogue
3--Boobs

The Expendables was ridiculously heavy on number 1, and fell completely short on 2 and 3.
I really shouldn't judge too harshly.  Perhaps this was the best written movie of all-time.  Perhaps the story was amazing.  I wouldn't know because I couldn't understand 80% of it.
Do you really expect me to understand any coherent phrases from the following list of actors:

Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham
Jet Li
Dolph Lundgren
Randy Couture
Steve Austin
Mickey Rourke
Arnold Schwarzenegger

If one of these guys had to call 911, they would die due to the lack of the art of simple comunication.
The cocophany of grunts, spittle, and screams was utterly ridiculous.

Oh yeah...and there were no boobs besides Stallone's creepy old man jugs.  Big fat leave it.

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Nature Valley Yogurt Granola Bar Review

In the pecking order of granola bars, Nature Valley is right up my alley.  Their products are generally tasty enough for me, while covering their bases in terms of fairly healthy ingredients.  The price is usually pretty low as well.
You could contrast them with a couple other extremes.  You could go ghetto granola bar and get the Sunbelt brand.  These are generally right next to Little Debbie snacks in the grocery store.  That should be your first clue to stay away.
Or on the other end you could put your pinky finger by the corner of your mouth and buy something made from Kashi.  While definitely tasty and made from better ingredients, you'll start debating whether $2.69 is worth a single fruit/nut bar. (Caveat--at Whole Foods this becomes $3.74 a piece)

In my never-ending search for a slightly healthy breakfast while at work, I ran across Nature Vally granola bars--covered with yogurt.  They looked delicious on the box, and weren't too bad as far as calories per bar. (140)
I'm not a granola bar racist, so I bought the combo pack which contains both vanilla and strawberry yogurt bars.

As a completely straight hetero-sexual man, I can honestly say that I have a nut fetish.  I love nuts in my granola/fruit bars.  They give a satisfying crunch and add a more meaty flavor to the bar, and contrast the usually sweet flavors.  Sadly, these yogurt bars were devoid of any type of contrasting textures.  It's straight chewy granola here.
While I can deal with this, I quickly ran into the Achilles heel of these granola bars--the Yogurt.

When I eat yogurt, I expect a bit of "tart-ness" to mix with the sweet flavor.  I realize that yogurt is really just spoiled milk, and I'm OK with that.  In fact, I was kind of expecting the yogurt on these granola bars to be a little tart.  WRONG.
It's as if they took some quasi-yogurt-esque base and mixed it with the same coating they use on iced animal cookies.  You know the coating--they take equal parts karo syrup and wax, melt, and then drape over the animal cookies and top gratuitously with small candy balls.  Your grandma probably had these on hand all the time at her house.  That's what I tasted while eating these yogurt granola bars.
I forced my way through both flavors, finding each bite more sweet than the last.  It was bordering on disgusting.

I realize that some people may love the sugary taste the yogurt gives.  I know that when I bite into a snickers bar, I'll get a mouth-watering burst of sugary ingredients that are terrible for my health.  I know this.  I didn't expect or want a chewy sugar bomb when eating this granola bar.

Nature Valley yogurt covered granola bars are too sweet for me, and may be for others as well.  I assume there are groups of people who will love these.  If you like any of the following items listed below, run the to the store and pick up these granola bars:

State Fair food (fried Oreos, fried butter sticks, funnel cake weighing in at 3 lbs, 5 dollar frozen lemonades, etc)
Putting sugar on your Cap'n Crunch
Using candy Nerds as a major topping on your ice cream
Peanut M&M eating contests
Willy Wonka as deity
Using a frozen Milky Way  candy bar as a spoon for your banana split (that's actually a fantastic idea..prior art right here)
Ice cream filled donuts (another fantastic idea--prior art again)
Whip cream on your Root Beer float
Krispy Kremes dipped in chocolate milk.

I gave the remainder of these granola bars to my kids.  I couldn't eat them anymore.  I may have to take out a personal loan in order to start buying Kashi bars.
1 marshmellowy star out of 5.

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