Mayonnaise Review

I don’t know the actual origins of mayo but can venture a guess and certainly pass it off as fact. In the early 1900’s the malnourished people of the plains worked on additives and condiments that were made from available materials. The purpose was to add both calories and flavor to their otherwise tasteless and less–than-nutritious gruel. They had chickens, they had a cow for milking, and they had oil for cooking, and that was pretty much it. One day, Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard to get her 16 kids a PB&J and to her dismay they had nothing but bread, oil, and an egg. Being the inventive type, she whipped up a quart of oil and a raw egg and voila, creamy spread for their empty bread. Since they were starving, this was quite a little treat. Hence, Mayo was born.

Now let’s flash forward a hundred years. 90% of Americans have more blubber than Shamu, and tasty food is as abundant as air. So why does this disgraceful goo still exist? Some may say that it adds moisture to an otherwise dry sandwich. I say nay, nay. Have a veggie, you carb loading, double meat maniac. It might actually help you pass that half pound of cheese you smashed between the bread. Some may say it adds flavor. I say nay, nay. Does gelatinous, greasy muck sound good to you? Puss is a certain color and consistency for a reason…to ease your body’s ability to purge it from its system. Why are you fighting nature by shoveling it back in your gullet?

Enough said on the subject, I think any reasonable person would agree that mayo is an abomination before God and man and should be purged from the earth in a wake of fire. Even Miracle Whip, the zesty half brother of this filth tells people in their commercials that “It isn’t for everyone”. Well they are close, it isn’t really for anyone.

Now I get to my most recent run-in with this garbage and further fuel for my mayo-hating fire. I was in Quizno’s yesterday and ordered their steak sandwich. As they started to build it, I was looking around, trying to find the chips with the most salt and fat, thinking that the like Subway, I would be asked about my condiments and veggies after they warmed up the sub, at the end of the assembly line. I was wrong.  Dead wrong. To my dismay, they pre-mayo'd, dumped on the meat and cheese, and put it in the warmer before I could say “no mayo, please”. I was panicked, but it was time to pay, and technically, I was the one that missed telling them to hold the filth from my bread, so I figured I would just wipe it off at the table and choke through it. Once they handed me my sandwich, I went to my table and pulled open the bun to assess the damage. To say that my meat and bun were saturated would be the understatement of the decade. My sandwich was pulverized by a mayo bomb that was no less than a quarter of a cup in magnitude. It permeated everything and encapsulated my toppings in a gooey film in a way that couldn’t be fixed with a dozen napkins. I sat for about 30 sec., my buddy watching my rage build, when I finally snapped. I balled up the sandwich and wrapper in a rage and slam dunked it into the trash can next to me. I then got back in line and ordered another sandwich. When I got ready to pay, the lady said, “did you just throw the other sandwich away”? I said “yes”, she said “well we could just remake it for you”. I tried to be polite and told her it was my fault because I didn’t catch them in time. She said “OK”, and then took my 2nd $6. I sat down and chewed my food, red faced and pouting. My buddy was choking back the laughter when the lady brought out the equivalent of a 50 cent off coupon and said “Next time you are in, save yourself some money.” I shook my head, and walked out leaving the coupon on the counter.

So here is my question, If you are one of the freaks of the world that enjoys a mouth full of grease to help the lard slide down your throat, do you really want it heated in an oven too? Who in the hell likes hot mayo and who likes it so much that they would put a quarter of a cup of it on their sandwich? I blame myself for not watching them closely, but I blame them for having this crap, in abundance, as a standard ingredient. I also blame them for not just making me another sandwich and for the ridiculous attempt to remedy the situation with a useless coupon. But I digress, this is a review of mayo, not Quiznos. Either way, they both suck and I would give them negative stars if I could. I reject the notion that this is just a matter of personal taste, mayo is disgusting and I am tired of watching 400 pounders wiping it off their chins. Take a stand with me people…let’s abolish this glop!

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311 concert review

311 holds a very special place in my heart. My like for them began around 15 years ago when I was in 9th grade and feeling too cool/insecure for school. I listened to their self-titled album non-stop (who didn't really?). I even took my interest in them so far as to design the 311 logo on my bedroom ceiling with glow-in-the-dark stars. But as far as my fan-dom went, I never got the chance to see them in concert, and I always regretted it.

Well that all changed last week when I finally got the chance to see 311 at the USANA amphitheatre. (Which, by the way, is in the armpit of nowhere) Keep in mind that I've grown since 9th grade. Not maturity-wise at all, but my tastes have certainly changed. Yes, I have heard their albums they've put out over the past 10 years but it's not something I'd listen to on repeat.

Sublime with Rome opened up the show. Since when did they change their name back to Sublime eh? I saw them in concert many years back and they went by the "Long Beach Dub All Stars." I guess enough time has passed and they realize kids don't even know who Bradley Nowell is anymore, and the band wants to re-capitalize on the old classics. Their new lead singer is Rome Ramirez, hence the addition of "with Rome." They put on a good show. Rome gave himself credibility and is certainly talented. At times the rest of the band felt a little too distorted. They played new songs, which were fine, but the crowd went crazy for the old stuff. They finished the set strong, with one of my personal favorites, Date rape (that sounded wrong).

After a long intermission 311 finally took the stage. The crowd was completely into it. Nick Hexum, who dances like a very white person, came out strong and didn't let up. The 16 year old in me was very happy to see he and S.A. Martinez playing off one another. Their voices didn't falter once during the entire concert. Even their harmonies were smooth. Honestly, the entire band performs album quality work in their live shows.

The set was great for long-time fans and the young hoochies unfamiliar with their discography. Of course they played a majority of songs from their self-titled and most successful album. The crowd went nuts for All mixed up, Down, and Don't stay home. To promote their latest cd, they played Sunset in July, and Weightless. But they really did keep the set confined to their hits like Amber, but also played some deep cuts from their 90's. Even though I haven't been their biggest fan these past 10 years I still knew all the lyrics and I was singing along. Yes, I'm "that guy" at the concert. My only issue is that I wish they played more songs from "Music" and "Grassroots." Even when they said they were playing stuff from their old fans, they still only played "Down." Fail.

I was hesitant to go to this concert, but I am so glad that I did. My interest in 311 has been revitalized and I'll give their new cd a second listen. They put on an extremely solid show and I would definitely go see them again next year. 5 glow-in-the-dark stars!

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HP Touchpad Deal Hunting Review

I don't necessarily need a tablet right now.  I already have a desktop, laptop, smart-phone, and an IPOD.  Do I really need to play angry birds on a larger screen?  Will I ever have the desire to watch a movie on it more than a big-screen HDTV?  Does one need to view porn in every aspect ratio available?

The answer is that it doesn't matter.
 
When a good deal comes along, I don't base a purchase on rational things like need, cost, or value.  I base it on one thing--how much the item has been marked down.  That's why Groupon and its 100 little cousins of deal sites get me so hot and bothered.  I take one look at 83% off of a seaweed ass scrub, and I know I can't pass it up.  It's even worse if 400 people have purchased the deal--then I KNOW it's a good deal.  Do I really need ass scrub? (probably)  Can I afford it? (probably not)  It doesn't matter.  83% off is too good to pass up.

As HP has realized that their semi-new touchpad is a retail disaster, they have shuttered the windows of the product and closed up shop.  This means steep discounts for the product.  Was I even remotely interested in the touchpad before this weekend?  No way.  Obviously the $400 price tag was prohibitive.  The fact that it runs a creepy OS was also scary.  But when word hit the deal websites of a massive price drop ($99 for the 16GB model) I asked the obvious question--Is it a steep discount?  The answer is yes.  I was hooked.

As my wife will attest to in bed, my timing is less than perfect.  I was late to the deal, and most reputable places were sold out.  I obviously overlooked the tens of thousands who also felt the desire to make this purchase at the same time as me.
I then proceeded to open up roughly 37 tabs in a browser and broke my F5 button constantly checking random websites that barely even mentioned the touchpad in passing.  I believe I spent roughly 16 hours on slickdeals.net or fatwallet.com chasing each new vendor which opened up sales.

To my surprise, I was actually able to purchase 2 touchpads from 2 separate vendors. 
Alas, one of these has already cancelled my order, and the other will most likely be stuck in the "processing" phase for the next 9 weeks.

What do I have to show for my efforts?  An in-depth knowledge of semi-creepy people who stalk deal message boards, and "leg-burn" from my laptop getting so hot while on my lap.

How much is my time worth? (that was rhetorical...please don't answer)
I should have bought a refurbished IPAD, and spent the time on more productive pursuits.  My hope is that some stupid college student max'd out his credit cards and bought like 50 of these things.  With the intense market saturation that is obviously coming in the next few weeks, I'll pluck one from him on Ebay for roughly 8 bucks more than he spent.  Was my time worth 8 bucks?  Yes....damn.

Big fat 0 stars here.

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Ann's House Soy Energy Blend Snack Review

As a card-carrying member of the "Eaten every fast-food burger in the last year," I'm amazed by the number of "healthy" foods people eat which would have never been considered edible 20 years ago.  Have you ordered a salad from a restaurant lately?  Besides a small amount of lettuce, it appears that random weeds are being used as filler.  I would not be surprised in the least if a dandelion appeared on my fork one of these days.  Seaweed?  Milkweed?  Swiss chard?
If restaurants wanted to introduce "color" to a salad in order to make it more appealing to the eye, why not use food coloring?  Who needs color anyway?  After applying 7 tablespoons of Ranch dressing, you won't be able to see the salad anyway.

Granola and energy bars are the latest culprit in this "they'll eat anything we brand as healthy" craze.  What if I just want a peanut butter chocolate chip (with frosting) Clif bar?  Nope...They'll offer a macadamia nut, soy enriched paperweight that leaves a gritty taste at the back of my throat. (On a separate note, why does the term trail mix have to infer a healthy snack?  My perfect trail mix is a bag full of skittles, ding dongs, pistachios, and Skor candy bars.  I'd hike the hell out of a mountain with that in my pack.)


This trend is evident as I recently tried Ann's House soy energy blend "mix".  This is sort of a trail mix which blends toasted soy nuts, almonds, pumpkin kernels and dried cranberries.  It is 150 calories per serving, while dishing up 7 grams of protein, and 8 grams of fat.

Upon looking at the container, I would have not been surprised to see a parakeet on the front, with the words "Ann's House budgie mix."  It's like some demented person in the R&D department at Ann's House decided to see how many thousands of people they could get to eat Hamster food, by packaging it up all pretty in order to fool us.  It's not like this hasn't been tried before.  (i.e. Slim Jims-->Pupperoni)

Despite my initial misgivings, I treated this like I do all food--by devouring it.  I went "trail mix missionary position" at first. (eating small handfuls to get the flavor of everything at once) Unfortunately, there is not much flavor here.  In fact, if you were to take out the cranberries, I think this would qualify as ground mulch.  In order to distinguish what each ingredient was contributing, I ate each separately.  The cranberries and almonds were quite nice.  The pumpkin kernels had no defining taste.  This contributed very little to the mix.  What was eye-opening, were the soy nuts.
I've never had soy nuts before, and not just because the name sounds dirty to me.  Who really eats soy nuts?
On the bright side, soy nuts have a satisfying crunch.  Unfortunately, this does not offset the fact that they taste very similar to earthworms.  Don't get me wrong--you could probably deep fry these and top them with seasonings to create a satisfying snack--but the same effect could probably be created using earthworms.

I'll summarize the negatives and positives of this snack:

Negatives:
--Very expensive for parakeet food
--My parakeet wouldn't touch anything in here
--Could have used some maize kernels for added "color"
--Cranberries are the highlight of the mix--how bad is that?

Positives:
--"Earthy" breath
--Claiming that I am full-on Herbivore
--The first self-sustaining food.  (Without giving too much detail, I'll just say that this mix looks the same "coming out" as "going in".  Based on my scientific analysis, if one were to rewash their "waste", you could keep re-eating this mix for roughly 3 years before needing to supplement with other foods.)

I did not like this Sam I Am.  When swallowing, I declare Damn.
I did not like it on a trail.  Whoever created this should go to jail.

Based on the cranberries and healthy statistics, I give Ann's House soy energy blend 1 star.  It can be purchased at Costco, Walmart, or any expensive online retailer of fine nuts or pet food.

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Spotify.com review

Like 98% of working middle-class men I get bored sitting in front of a mind-numbing computer screen watching youtube videos to entertain me at work. There are only so many times I can watch "Sit on You" or cats singing chocolate rain. I find I can do more efficient work when music is playing in the background. This is true for every facet of my life. I need a soundtrack at all times: Mowing the lawn, running, doing dishes, showering, and looking up TPS reports at work.

There have been several sites that work to satiate this appetite for new music, like Playlist (where the song choices are spotty) and Pandora (where you rarely get to hear what you searched for). This is where Spotify comes in. This service is huge in Europe and has just been launched here (let's not kid ourselves we are the real marketplace for quality, i.e. not techno/house).



Spotify lets you pick an artist and listen to most, if not all, of their songs/cds. There are a few plans to choose from. Personally, because I collect pennies, I go for the free version. This version gives you 20 hours of music a month but does have scattered ads. The $5 is called Spotify Unlimited. As the name implies you get unlimited time with Spotify but it is limited to the computer, but thankfully you cut the ads with that cost. The Premium plan is $10 a month and gives you unlimited songs, no ads, and the Spotify app for your phone to take it on the go. That is a great deal and is similar to rhapsody.

I would give rhapsody the edge for now because Spotify's song selection so far in the U.S. is not as developed. But with time to expand discographies of each artist, there will not be a better streaming service than Spotify. Maybe if I wasn't so cheap I would get a smart-phone to get Spotify Premium. For now, take the Spotify free download on your computer and try it out. Oh p.s. you need to be invited currently to start it up. So make some friends who are smarter than you.

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