The Human Centipede (First Sequence) Movie Review

I don’t remember which of my friends recommended the movie “The Human Centipede” but I will start this review by saying, may God have mercy on your soul. How dare you recommend this to a friend?

The premise of this disgusting display is a psychotic Dr., whose specialty is Siamese twin separation, who gets the idea to make a human centipede. He achieves this by surgically connecting the mouth of one person to the ass of another and so on with the next, making one really long digestive system. He also clips the tendons in their knees so they can’t stand, as one would imagine would be difficult in the aforementioned position. This movie only touches on the first segment, as it is named, which is a meager three people deep (gotta start somewhere right?). Sadly, 3-Dog died before the timeframe of this movie so we don’t get to see it, but we do get to see a snapshot and a tombstone for the Dr.’s first critter creation.

I don’t really need to say any more. Just imagine your worst coprophagic nightmare (look it up), or fantasy for that matter you freak, and this movie delivers. I haven’t eaten a single meal since seeing this film without my mind darting back to the horror that I witnessed. This movie makes the Baby Ruth scene from Caddyshack seem like a pleasant memory.

Please take note that this review is coming from a soulless man who has spent a good portion of his life obsessed with horror movies, reading Fangoria magazine, and re-watching the opening scene to “A Nightmare on Elm Street” at least 50 times. How else could I get the making of the glove just right when I was fashioning my own razor-hand for a Halloween costume at the age of 9?

I don’t believe in censorship but, dear Lord, this movie is an abomination. The Dr. in the movie can’t just be a good actor, I believe he is truly evil in real life and they pulled him out of the insane asylum just for the filming of this movie. The creator wanted to shock you, and he does. Since he pulls it off, I will award 1 star. As for the merit of the rest of the movie, there is imagery that torments the soul and ideas that will haunt your mind...and I don't really need any more of that these days. I’ve also heard that the 2^nd movie has already been made and has been banned in Europe. A quick video on YouTube shows the creator talking about how this movie is like “My Little Pony” compared to the sequel. Wow, I can’t even imagine, and don’t care to at this point.

Save some time and a little piece of your soul and skip this one.

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Take it or Leave it--McDonalds buy 1 get 1 free coupon for Frappe's and Fruit Smoothies

After decades of punishing my body with the all-American meal at McDonalds, I believe it's finally time for them to give me something back. (besides 15 spare pounds in my mid-section)
For a limited time, you can print off a coupon at McDonalds.com to receive a Buy-1-Get-1-free coupon for any McDonalds Frappe or fruit Smoothie.  My "man on the street" is also telling me that you can get one of the delicious strawberry lemonades with the coupon.  All of these drink offering are rather tasty, so you should take advantage.

PLEASE CLICK HERE FOR THE COUPON.  The coupon link is next to the frosty looking drink.  I receive nothing from McDonalds except the gratification that I'm causing others to join in my belly robust-ness.

The best part about this deal, is that you don't even need to bring anyone else along.  Just get the double quarter pounder with chee meal, and be sure to super-size it.  Then after you have finished ingesting roughly 50 oz (with the refill) of Dr. Pepper, use your empty cup and dump both mango pineapple smoothies directly into it.  Sip that bad boy on your way back to work for the afternoon, and then let your body work overtime to digest the unbelievable amounts of wonderful fat and sugar that you just ingested.  Take a nap or two!! (But don't go swimming for at least 30 minutes)

Note--this is a limited time offer, and may not work in all McDonalds "restaurants."  Definite take it on this deal.

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Take it or Leave it--Dial for Men Body Wash

Welcome to our new segment called "Take it or Leave it."  We'll pepper these "shorter" reviews in with our regular reviews, although we don't give star ratings here--just "Take it" or "Leave It."

There are literally dozens of manufacturers of men's body wash nowadays.  Axe, Old Spice, Ben-Gay, Reebok, Lego, Hostess, and many more have come up with a scent to mask the stinky hairy man-smell that we exude.  Axe and their annoying (yet satisfyingly risque) TV ads were one of the first to come out with a liquid body wash for men.  The scents they create are not quite as interesting as their names--Gravity, Steel Fire, Burning Children, etc.  But the product did its job.  Get rid of my crotch rot, and make me smell good.  I could probably make a serious run for President on this platform alone.

Axe body wash is kind of the like the Honda Civic that has been totally tricked out.  Custom trim, racing seats, ground-effect lighting, and a $1400 muffler.  You'll see and hear this thing coming a mile away.  Unfortunately, life is quickly passing me by, and I no longer fit the demographic of Axe.  Instead of a hopped up Civic, I'm more of a Dodge Stratus kind of a guy.  Dial for Men body wash is that Dodge Stratus.

I bought Dial for Men body wash thinking it would be just as efficient and scenty as it's pricier rivals.  I was incorrect in this assumption.  I purchased the "magnetic" scent, and admit it does smell rather manly, but I am truly dissappointed in the staying power of the scent.  It really doesn't last much more than a couple hours. (although I am a sweaty man pig and fall outside the normal distribution for stink)  In addition, the body wash doesn't lather very well, and you end up with a bunch of red goo on the shower floor as it seeps through your fingers. (shower--check, goo--check, seep through fingers--check, let this joke pass right on by--check)

If your life consists of driving a mini-van at 11pm to the grocery store to buy diapers on a regular basis, this body was is for you.  It's reliable, efficient, and will fit your 5'8" 230 lb frame perfect behind the wheel of your Honda Odyssey.  If you want something with a little more flash and flair--I suggest you look elsewhere.

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Green Lantern review

In the past I have always avoided reading movie reviews before I see a flick I'm excited about. I wanted to go into the theater unadulterated. Well now that I work in front of a computer all day it is nearly impossible not to see what rottentomatoes and other sites have to say. By doing this, my overall movie experience is corrupted. I may go into a movie with too high of expectations (Xmen First Class) or go into a movie with low expectations (Green Lantern).

In Green Lantern, Hal Jordan(Ryan Reynolds) is a arrogant test pilot with little care for anyone else. He is chosen by a ring, sent from a dying green lantern, Abin Sur. From that point on he discovers that there are worlds far older than ours and they are being protected by the green lantern corps, comprised of various aliens. Though an old enemy of the lanterns, Parallax, is quickly gaining power and has his eyes set on Earth.

Green Lantern is a B-class hero and definitely not as recognizable as Superman, Batman, Spiderman, etc. See this video below for further proof.


The critics have been bashing on this movie. I even read a review that stated Green Lantern was worse than Xmen 3 or Wolverine. That's getting a little extreme isn't it guys?! I mean, come on! So the movie started and I was just waiting to be embarrassed for Hal. I sat for 45 minutes and couldn't understand how it was supposed to be so bad. It was actually quite good. The first third and the last third of the movie keep you entertained and fulfilled everything I wanted to see in a Green Lantern adaptation.

Though that leaves us with the middle bit of the movie. The part when Hal is struggling with commitment to the corps and keeps coming back to Earth to forget about the ring and his destiny. It really lagged and was not helped that the screenwriters forget how to write dialogue. It's almost like a different guy came on and tried to insert chemistry between Carol Ferris (Blake Lively) and Hal. It didn't work, the chemistry wasn't there and the one-liners fell flat. (Fun Fact: There was actually four screenwriters...yuck) I cringed once or twice, it's true. I hate to judge Blake Lively, but she doesn't come off looking too great as an actress (not saying she doesn't look good, because she really does).

The script was the primary flaw. Conversations and relationships were forced. Mutated Hector Hammond was a campy villain and didn't really serve an origin story like this well. I dug Parallax, even though he was half gas cloud. I thought he was intimidating and felt like an actual threat to the intergalactic space police that are the green lantern corps. Sinestro (pink dude with villainous mustache) was perfect. I only wish he was in it more, so that you care about his turn in the sequels (if they make any). I loved the planet Oa and seeing the other green lanterns. I was swept away and couldn't be bothered about nitpickin' the CG. I wish Hal spent more time on Oa and fighting alongside the other lanterns. I was originally against Ryan Reynolds being the green lantern. Though he gives it a great effort, yet will always be the smarmy Ryan Reynolds.

I hope the critics haven't already killed this one. Because I really want a sequel. It needs to be in space the entire time and satisfy the fringe nerds' lust to see a Yellow Lantern/Green Lantern war.

To every other critic, I know I destroy my credibility by defending this movie. I just think the critics expected the greatest movie ever and ended up seeing a Iron Man-esque origin story, and that makes them angry. I enjoyed it. Did I love it? No. But I am not ashamed to hold its hand in public.

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Pringles Original Hot Sauce Flavored Potato Crisps Review

I found myself at Walmart the other day. It was way past my dinner time and was still about an hour or so till I was going to be able to eat so I started looking for something I could graze on while driving around doing my other errands. That’s when I found this entire display full of “Original Hot Sauce” flavored Pringles. My hands moved completely out of instinct and grabbed them and placed them in my cart. The only thought I gave at all was whether 1 can would be enough or should I get 2. Seeing that this was a “Super Stack” sized can, I decided 1 was sufficient. This later proved to be a near-tragic mistake.

I like spicy foods, and spicy snacks, but it’s only recently that I’ve started sprinkling Tabasco sauce on eggs and potatoes and such. I’ve found there is a limit to how much I can handle. After a certain threshold even the Nexium pills I take every day can not prevent the acid reflux. But I love the flavor and was hoping these hot sauce Pringles would satisfy that craving.

Pulling out of the parking lot of Walmart, I popped open the can. The aroma was very appetizing. Not over-powering or nasty in any way, but you could tell from the start these were not your mamas Pringles.

I grabbed two of the chips (or “crisps”) as they call them and placed them entirely in my mouth, taking one piggish bite. This was not a special test or any scientific mechanism I use to taste-test a new product. This is how I eat snack foods, with emphasis on the word “piggish”. There must be a certain percentage of snack food residue spread all over my T-shirt, and face (ear-to-ear) when I’m done with the snack before I can honestly judge whether I enjoyed it or not.

The taste was fantastic. Then I waited a moment or two for any possible after-taste and was pleasantly surprised by the unassuming “kick” that came after about 20 seconds. Wow, these are good. Faster than you could say Suuuuueeee Weeeeeeeee, the gluttony began. I had managed to consume half of the can over the next 20 minutes. That’s equivalent to 3 full servings and consisted of 420 Calories (240 Fat Calories) and 27 grams of fat. I honestly think I would have finished off the entire can but forced myself to place it in the trunk of my car so as to save some for later consumption. I finished off the rest of the can the next morning for breakfast, all before 7AM.

I love these Pringles. They had one side effect which was a small bout of diarrhea and although I should withhold a star for that, I just can’t. I mean it wasn’t like E-Coli poisoning diarrhea where you end up with a quart of blood in the toilet. It wasn't even the kind that gives you the trots and makes you madly dash to the toilet. No, just the next couple of times I had to go, it was a little loose, nothing more. Far worth the fantastic taste experience that is Pringles Original Hot Sauce Flavored Potato Crisps.

These are definitely a certified ReviewSpew All-Star, but hurry, the can says they’re only available for a limited time. There’s also some evidence that they don’t exist at all, as I can’t seem to find mention of them on-line anywhere, even at Pringles.com. I had to take a picture of them with my cell phone for this review. Weird I know, but trust me, they do exist and they are awesome! Happy eating!

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Super 8 Movie Review

What the heck is Super 8? Is it an old-school camera? Is it a trashy motel chain? I watch movie trailers for a living (except for the fact I don't get paid) and I still didn't know what was going on in JJ Abrams new movie other than it looked like a love letter to E.T. and Close Encounters. Ironically enough, Spielberg is a producer on the film. I can't say he's done anything great in quite a few years.

Super 8 takes place in a small industrial town in the late 70's/early 80's. (i.e. I'm not really sure) A group of friends plan to enjoy their summer break by making a gory zombie movie. One night while filming a dramatic scene by the train tracks they witness a truck driving head-on into an oncoming train. They capture the horrendous accident on film and remain silent about it and after a few days their town is overrun by secret military units and strange accidents.

Everything about the movie is cloaked in mystery, from the marketing to the story itself. And that is a huge pay-off for the audience. Just go in blind and enjoy the ride. I'm not saying that there is a Shymalanesque twist that happens at the end to blow it all. Instead it's just a solid blockbuster where every scene is expertly crafted and thought out. Kudos to JJ (we are on a 2-inital friendship basis) for his direction. He is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors out there. He is no Christopher Nolan, mind you, but for Summer movies with a splash of originality he is your guy. This is the best Summer blockbuster that has been released in years. For all of you Transformer or Twilight fans who boast about box office numbers, there is a special place for you in hell. Super 8 has heart and you actually care about this cast. It helps that very few of the faces are recognizable, you actually feel that they are their character and not just Matt Damon in another role.

I'm not a fan of kids in movies. No thanks. Nobody likes the too-smart-for-his-own-good kid. Nobody. Super 8 follows the group of young filmmakers the entire time and they feel legitimate. It's been said this movie is reminescent of Goonies and it's a true statement. Both Goonies and Super 8 make you feel like you want to be a kid again. Escapism at its best.

I cannot think of anything I would change about this movie. Maybe if Batman were in it, I would like it more. A very minor flaw are the lens flares that have become JJ Abrams trademark. They feel forced in every scene he uses them.

This movie isn't perfect. It's not my favorite movie of all time. But it's a perfect Summer movie.

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Three Taco combo at Jack in the Box Review

When I think of "comfort food," Jack in the box rarely comes to mind.  In fact, Jack in the Box (JITB) is one of many fast food eateries that falls onto the list of places that serve "discomfort food" based on the feeling I get after eating.  Don't get me wrong...I can put away a sourdough jack in roughly 153 seconds, but shortly after, my body goes into full fat-ass rejection mode.  My brain quickly realizes that I have placed a quasi-meat mixture along with 4 tablespoons of mayonaisse into my gullet.  The stomach acids begin to quickly attack the mixture in order to push the "food" through the exit chute before I can process the fats and turn them into an ever-increasing belly roll(s).  If you were to see me in person, you'd find that my stomach is winning the war with my brain.

That being said, Jack in the Box's tacos are comfort food for me.  I know what I'm getting.  I know what they'll taste like, and I know they are cheap.

I realize that the term tacos is being used loosely here.  There arent many tacos that are:

a) deep fried to a "crispy on the edges--mushy in the center" texture.
b) use an un-melted slice of Velveeta.
c) have meat that can be dispensed via a frosting tube.

Most people will claim that 2 tacos for 99 cents is 2 tacos too much.  For me, It's just shy of a perfect amount, so when I saw the 3 taco combo at JITB, my stomach demanded action.  This is truly a great deal.  For $2.99(higher in some markets), you get the following:

--3 regular tacos
--small french fry
--small drink
--1142 calories (including 48 grams of fat, 155 grams of carbs, and 9 grams of healthy fiber)
--1 large stain from taco sauce on your shirt
--1 invitation to take a 14 minute survey in which your chances to win $1000 barely exceeds 1 in 1 billion
--Potential explosive diarheaa

Let's be honest with ourselves...we are going to eat 50 fat grams anyway for lunch.  We might as well do it for $2.99, and save the extra cash for a king size snickers and diet coke as an afternoon snack.

I give a hearty approval for this meal, and you should go take advantage as soon as possible as it is a limited time offer.
I would give this deal a 5 star rating, but "Jack" is too creepy of a company mascot to be pot-committed with JITB.  He ranks slightly lower than the (retired?) Burger King "King" in creepiness.
In addition, JITB uses the term "menage a tacos" when referring to this deal.  Let's just say that the double entendre is in full force here, and I have't used the term meaty taco with that connotation since high school.

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X-Men First Class review

Let's take a short trip to the past. All the way back to the Summer of 2003. I had just seen X2 and couldn't be happier about what I had just witnessed. That movie had done nearly everything right and ended in a way that left room for a perfect sequel that could have done the Dark Phoenix Saga justice. What we got 3 years later was X-Men 3: The Last Stand. Overall it was a sloppy movie with dozens of wasted opportunities and meaningless deaths. Suffice to say, I hated it. Add Xmen Origins: Wolverine and all my hopes of redemption for the Xmen were dashed away.

When I heard they were making a prequel entitle First Class set in the 60's, I was concerned and not hopeful. I was a little relieved the Matthew Vaughan (Kick-Ass) was brought on to direct it, but all signs were pointing to the filming being rushed for a Summer 2011 release.

Xmen First Class starts the story of Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and Magneto (Michael Fassbender) as they meet for the first time and discover other mutants as well. Their group of rag-tag (who says rag-tag?) mutants are recruited by the government to track down the international super-criminal Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) who Magneto has a vendetta against so it serves his purposes.

McAvoy and Fassbender are fantastic in their roles as ill-fated friends. McAvoy actually gives Professor X a personality and charisma. He isn't just the overly serious Professor X. Michael Fassbender is great as Erik Lensherr (Magneto) and is menacing as he seems to always be on the verge of losing it at any moment. It was good to see Kevin Bacon again and he surprisingly makes for a good villain. The rest of the mutants were essentially place-holders and you feel nothing for them, except for maybe Beast and Mystique. I could have done without the whiny Mystique altogether.

The first half of the movie plays out like a world-hopping Bond film. It was good to get the backstories of Erik and Charles but it did not feel like an Xmen movie and was a little too frantic. Once the movie hit the halfway point it really takes off and the action sequences begin.

If this movie does well they will definitely have sequels and those movies are said to tie in to the original Xmen trilogy. I would be quite happy to see McAvoy and Fassbender act against each other again, I only hope the sequels wouldn't fall back on the human-to-mutant bigotry that the original trilogy relied on.

There are flaws in this movie. Do not believe the commercials that claim that it is on par with The Dark Knight. First Class is not. Though it is a pretty great return for the Xmen and the best movie in the series since X2. I'm thinking it's going to be a great summer. Xmen First Class does not ride coach. (sorry, I had to do it) I give it 4 stars.

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