Cableone 50 Mb Internet

Wow, times have changed. 15 to 20 years ago I measured my manliness with the universal question every aspiring high school meat-head asks “whatcha bench?” The answer to this little question pretty much defined your place in the world and your status among men, as far as I was concerned. That being said, please don’t assume I was a heavy hitter. My max bench as a lad was 225lbs, but with my meager frame, I considered it a metric ton and owned it like a king.

Over the years, my associates have changed. No longer do I spend my days with Everlast wearing, mullet clad, monsters. Now I live among the those socially inept brainiacs that spent the majority of their college careers in Unix labs and solving multi-variable calculus equations. Needless to say, they don’t bench. To them, bench work is a description of a PC tear down for a hardware upgrade. Hence, our manner of mockery and trash talking is a little different than it used to be. Our manly measuring stick has moved out of the bathroom and into the office, where terabytes rule and the number of cores you sport are the essence of your bragging rights.

Now you may understand my excitement when I discovered last Friday that CableOne has made 50 Mb internet available at my home. I didn’t walk, I ran down and signed up. This was particularly amazing to me as I live in a run down piece of no-man’s land where Qwest still only supports 1.5Meg DSL service. I had that service for years until 2 months ago when I couldn’t take it any longer. I switched to 10 meg service with Cableone, and was tickled with the upgrade, I’m ecstatic with where I’m sitting now. I’ve been the butt of more snail mail jokes than I can express, but those days are long gone baby.

The service itself has been fantastic so far. Speed tests come in right at 50 Meg down and sit at about 2.5 meg up. My Netflix streaming looks great and comes in HD. If I admitted to streaming internet porn, I could offer a rating of how that experience changed. Since I don’t (admit it) I’ll just say that you could probably get 5-10 vids going simultaneously. Your sick granny fetish has never streamed so fast or with such vivid resolution.

I already had a Docsis3 modem, so I didn’t need an upgrade there, so I’m just tickled all the way around. The cream on top is the fact that because I signed a one year contract, I’m actually saving $8 a month from what I was paying for 10 Meg service. There is a 50 gig download limit per month so that might be an issue for some. I actually go outside on occasion so it isn’t an issue for me. Also, there isn’t any throttling like the olden days of cable, so you indeed get the speed you pay for.

Like I said, the actual service is great, but the bragging rights are worth way more to me than the actual bandwidth. After switching I have been to virtually every cube in my work area laughing, mocking, and teasing everyone else for their painfully slow connections. Yeah, I’m an uber geek, but when you are “Rollin’ fitty” like I am, you gotta talk a little trash. I haven’t been on top of the technology totem for many years and this feels great.

I ask guys that have 40 Meg service if they need me to download something for them and bring it in on disk. I ask the guys with 7-10 Meg service if maybe Obama has a subsidy program for the less fortunate like themselves. Then, for those poor bastards that pull a meager 3 Meg..well let’s just say that making fun of them is like making fun of the mentally handicap, you just shouldn’t do it. Somebody’s got a brother, sister, or family member with the same problem and you going to hit a nerve. It’s just not safe for the workplace.

Fitty Meg rocks. Fitty Meg rules. Fitty Meg came to me like a shining star on a black as pitch night. I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good. I just may get some vanity plates that say “50MEG” for my ’05 Hyundai...... ‘cause Fitty Meg is how I roll. Deal with it.

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Hangover 2 review

I promise I don't hate movies. You may not believe me after reading my kind review of Pirates but I actually love movies. To be honest, there are few things I love more. Nothing beats sitting back and being absorbed into an escapist world for approximately 90 minutes.

That was a precursor to the rest of this review. I am in the minority because (surprise, surprise) I didn't like the first Hangover all that much. I can handle raunchy comedies, I even rank some of them as my guilty pleasures, but I just didn't think the Hangover was all that funny. It just didn't have that many actual jokes, just "crazy" situations. Meh. So I'm not the best person to trust when it comes to Hangover 2. (Though you should trust me because I'm basically almost always right.)

In the Hangover 2, the Wolfpack visits Thailand for Stu's (Ed Helms) wedding. After the last movie's incident they are all wary of getting drunk together before Stu's big day, but suffice to say, they get wasted and wake up in a mysterious, trashy Bangkok hotel. They spend the rest of the day searching for clues to find Stu's missing future bro-in-law.

I'm sure I'm not the first to say this, but it's almost as if the screenwriters have a Mad Libs book with a general plot where they fill in the missing words with "even crazier" things than the first movie. For example -

The gang goes to _____ for _____'s wedding. They get insanely smashed and wake up in a ____. Stu is missing/has gained a _____. They hear an animal and a ____ appears.

You get the drill. It's literally the same movie. Lazy, sloppy filmmaking. There are those of you who love the first and will love the second as well because you want a few gut laughs. There is nothing wrong with that. I just hope they don't make another sequel/remake after this.

Is the movie funny. Yes, there are belly laughs and parts that will make you cringe. But it's not as funny as the first because you've seen it all before. Is Zach Galifanakis still the socially inept man-child? Yes, but the act is getting tired.

Take it for what it's worth but I think this movie is a redbox rental at best. Save your 9 dollars. I caught myself laughing twice so I'll give this movie one star.

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Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides review

Johnny Depp what happened to you? At what point did you decide to become European? I'm pretty sure you were born here in America. Either that or you had a great accent in 21 Jump Street and Edward Scissorhands. I'm worried that if I checked your IMDB page it would say that you were born in Monaco or Berlin. To be honest I think we can all pinpoint the moment when your voice and demeanor completely changed. It all started with the first Pirates film. And I don't blame you, that was a great movie and you played a great iconic character.

But something happened after the director said "cut" on that movie. It's almost like you didn't hear him and carried your drunken pirate character into Secret Window, Sweeney Todd, and the Tourist. And so it goes, Hollywood and their love of money have decided to give you free rein on movie sets and make a total of 4 pirates movies. Johnny, can I call you Johnny? It's time to turn in the gold teeth and mysterious compass back to the prop department.

The latest movie, On Stranger Tides, is all about finding the Fountain of Youth. Everyone is apparently looking for it: The Spaniards, English, Barbossa, Sparrow, Penelope Cruz, and Blackbeard (played by Ian Mcshane of deadwood fame). Yep, that's it, that's all you need to know about the plot. Sure there is something about mermaid's tears and a missionary, but to go into that would add more detail than the actual movie did.

The biggest problem with the movie is that Jack Sparrow is the lead character. Don't be fooled, he was never the lead in the previous films. As an audience we followed Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, and Sparrow was the character who stole the show but was morally ambivalent. But to have Sparrow be the heart of the story makes it shallow. Also there is no sense of peril. Sparrow might as well be a superhero as he is able to evade any fatal threat.

This was a boring movie. The entire audience was bored and tried to force laughter when Jack was being his 'usual self.' I really didn't like Pirates 2 or 3. The plots were ridiculous and convoluted. This film had a linear plot and no supernatural crabs but it is still my least favorite Pirates movie.

Curse of the Black Pearl - Keira Knightley / anything memorable = On Stranger Tides

But of course there will be a Pirates 5. This movie gets one star.

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Nabisco's Triple Double Oreo Review

There are a lot of necessary-evils in the world today. Taxes, prostate exams, dudes in adult films, etc. But none are quite as necessary or quite as evil as the cookie portion of the Oreo cookie. When Double Stuff Oreo cookies were introduced, around the time I was 6 years old, I would take one of the cookies off 2 of the Oreos and then squash the filling parts together. This was heaven and I assumed it wouldn’t be long until Nabisco came out with a Triple Stuff version.

For years I’ve sought out ways to remove both cookies of each Oreo so that I would be left with nothing but the cream filling. This proved overly messy and to be honest, the result was no longer a cookie. Even at 6 I knew; on some subconscious level, that you needed a cookie in there somewhere in order to make it a cookie. So necessity #1 is you need a cookie to make it a cookie.

Necessity #2 is you need a vehicle to get the cream filling into your gaping maw of a mouth. I’ve scoffed at people for years that removed the top cookie and licked the cream filling off of the other cookie. If you only knew how stupid you looked when you did this, you would no longer do this. Plus this was always too much work. I don’t like to burn calories when eating candy, cakes and cookies. That’s why I don’t eat Charleston Chews. Nobody should work up a sweat when trying to eat a snack.

Hands down my favorite cookie to dip into milk is Oreos (second favorite is Chips Ahoy). I would soak the Oreo until the cookie part almost lost molecular cohesion and then would thrust the whole thing into my mouth. By the time I was 12 I could eat an entire family sized package of Double Stuff’s like this in less than 30 minutes, and still be hungry an hour later for dinner. I didn’t have many friends. Like Drano to Cocaine, the milk works great to “cut” the cookie down so you don’t feel like you’re eating as much of it and it lubed the throat making copious amounts of consumption possible. This is necessity #3; a sponge for the milk.

I could find other reasons why the cookie in the Oreo is a necessary evil, but this post is making me hungry for an Oreo and I need to wrap it up. Plus I haven’t gotten to the topic. Nothing pleased me more than to hear that Nabisco was releasing a new cookie. Something they call a Triple Double Oreo. 35 years of prayers were finally answered. Visions of 2 cookies (double) on either side of a triple layer of cream filling appeared in my mind’s eye. Imagine, being able to remove 1 of those cookies from two Oreos and then squishing them together to form 6 layers of Oreo cream between 2 of those nasty cookies. A quick Google search squashed those dreams in a real big hurry. The double is the cream, and the triple is the cookie?

What the heck are they doing? How could Nabisco get it so wrong? First they stop using trans-fat and now they add an extra cookie. They should be trying to eradicate that pesky cookie all together. Like the meat on a Big Mac they should have been making that cookie smaller and thinner every year but NOOOOOO they add a third cookie to the mix. It’s exactly like the Big Mac except the cream is the beef and the cookie is the bun…all 3 buns. Yuck.

One may say this is not a fair review of the Triple Double Oreo because I haven’t eaten one. I don’t need to. It’s stupid. We all know what that cookie taste like. It’s gross and to add a 3rd one is not only evil to the core, but completely unnecessary. Nabisco, your Triple Double Oreo earns 0 Stars from me. I hope you pull your head out as soon as possible and give the public what it demands instead of schlock like this.

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Duran Duran All you need is Now album Review

In future years, if my son ever asks what were the defining items/moments from the 80's, I will share with him the following 3 things.

I'll first watch the Goonies with him.  I would try my best not to quote roughly 80% of the show.

We'd next cue up the "you're the best...around" montage from the All Valley karate tournament in the karate kid.

Lastly, I'd hand him my Duran Duran Decade cassette tape.

As a youth in 1985, most of my friends were getting cozy with Twisted Sister, WASP, and Quiet Riot, while I chose to "rock out" to the tunes of Depeche Mode, The Cure, and Duran Duran.  I always tended towards the "new wave" branch of music.  In fact, the wave literally translated to my hairstyle. (sweet wave moving from the right rear part to the opposite side of my forehead)

I felt secure in my choice of music even when my friends played "air guitar" during their songs--while I dropped some sweet "air keyboard" during mine. (On a side note, you'd think that Duran Duran, Erasure, and Moby would go on tour together.  They would totally save money as they could all share the same Casio CZ-101 and keytar)

All through the 80's, Duran Duran was as bankable as Chevy Chase.  They cranked out hit after hit.  The band took a completely different direction once this golden decade ended--performing as Jesus Jones for a couple years in the early 90's. (This is totally unproven...but I swear they are the same band.  Have they ever been seen together?  Who wouldn't believe that the same band responsible for "So whyyyy don't you use it---Tryyyy not to bruise it--Buyyyy time don't lose it" could also be responsible for "Real, Real, Real...do you feel real, and if so I'd like to know.")

After the disappointing Jesus Jones years, Duran Duran put out what's most commonly called "The Wedding album."  If you haven't heard it, just listen to any Goo Goo Dolls album.  Basically the same thing.

Duran Duran fell into obscurity after this album.  In a way, this is good.  Don't mess up the legacy.  I'd rather remember INXS with Michael Hutchence...rather than wasting away on a reality TV show.
It also helps if the music style adapts somewhat with the years. (unless you're Bret Michaels and enjoy playing at Wyoming state fairs)

I was very surprised to see the new album from Duran Duran. (All you need is now)  I downloaded the title track, and my excitement doubled.  The song was really good, and had that throwback 80's sound.  Unfortunately, the excitement came to a crashing halt when I listened to the remainder of the album.

All You Need is Now actually sounds a lot like the 80's Duran Duran  But...this doesn't mean any of the songs are any good.  It's like bizarro Duran Duran tried to copy their sound with poor results.  Here is my review of each song on the album:

#1 All You Need is Now--Great song.  Good vocals with a good tune.  4 stars.
#2-The rest of the songs--terrible.  Honestly not a single song worth mentioning.  Steamy pile of synthesized turd.

This is the most forgettable album since The Wallflowers released "Bringing down the Horse." (A decent song in "One headlight"--and a bunch of other crappy songs)

Simon Le Bon can still rip off a tune like the olden days...but the songs here are just boring or weird.  I'm sorry to say that I didn't like this album at all.  Due to the decent title track, this album barely glazes above a 0-star review.  If the Thompson Twins get back together, pray that they'll stick with their old hits--rather than following the lead of Duran Duran.

Let's have a palate cleanser that offers nonstop bad-assery.

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Will Smith's Trailer Review

Most of you have heard the hubbub about Will Smith’s trailer. “It’s huge”, “It’s 2 stories high”, “It’s mind-boggling”. And no “Trailer” is not the pet name for Will Smith’s manhood (I believe that’s referred to as “El Chupacabra”).

On location in New York for the filming of Men In Black III, this monstrous trailer, owned by Columbia Pictures (and not by Will Smith), has become more of an attraction to curious lookie loos than Will Smith himself. It’s gotten so bad that local shop owners have started complaining and eventually the trailer was moved with an apology from Columbia Pictures for the disturbance.

I have so many problems with this.

First of all, the shop-owners that are complaining. You’re idiots. More foot-traffic than you will see in a year is standing outside your store looking at this trailer and you’re losing money? I don’t care if you are in the business of selling dried rabbit turds, you should be able to take advantage of this situation and make extra money. Try this idea. Charge people $5 to get an aerial view of the trailer from your apartment window above your store. That’s 1 of a million things you could do to make money off of this. What’s wrong with you people?

Second, Columbia Pictures why did you move the trailer and then apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused? You’re idiots too. Because of this “dust-up” the marketing campaign for MIBIII is already in effect and it has only cost you the $20,000 it must have cost in gas to drive that rig from L.A. to NYC. So why, when the publicity was reaching critical mass did you throw in the towel? What you should have done is slapped a sign on it that said “Chill’n Big Willie Style” and told those that were complaining to go to hell.

Third, Will Smith why did you let them take your ride away from you man? You’re Will Smith for heaven’s sake. How many billions (that’s BILLIONS with a big frick’n “B” at the front of it) have you personally made for the movie industry in your career? Dude if it had been me and I heard people were starting to make a big fuss over it I would have requested that Columbia Pictures bring me a second one just on the off chance the DJ Jazzy Jeff showed up and needed a place to chill for a while. And when they give me that “Oh be reasonable Will” look, I would have said, “Well good luck making MIBIII without me. Maybe Justin Bieber is available to play J “.

Well all of that aside; let’s take a look at the thing. According to the manufacturer of the trailer (Anderson Mobile Estates), it has 1200 square feet of livable space across 3 stories (the main floor, 2nd floor pops out the side and the 3rd floor elevates up). Laminated thermal security glass (that means it’s bullet proof and at a flip of a switch it can be darkened to provide privacy). Also, the entire vehicle is bomb resistant (in case you’re site-seeing in Iraq I guess). The trailer all by itself weighs 60,000 pounds, and finally it can all be yours for a mere $1.8 Million dollars (Chump change for Will Smith let alone a movie studio).

If you were a multi-millionaire superstar and had to be away from home for a while, why wouldn’t you demand having this? It’s awesome with no drawbacks. Parking, insurance, gas prices, who cares. You’re Will Smith. You can afford it. Everybody who has a problem with this gets a Big Fat Zero from me, but this trailer is a certified ReviewSpew All-Star. Because it totally rocks!!

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Thor Movie Review

I never thought a Thor movie would be made. I for one wasn't asking for it, I can't say the general public was either. I was satisfied with his role in Adventures in Babysitting. I was satisfied with several things in that movie, especially Elizabeth Shue.(growl) Well the money factory that is Marvel has decided they want us to have a Thor movie and prepare us for all the nerdtastic glory that is the Avengers.

Thor, played by relative newcomer Chris Hemsworth, is an arrogant prince in the cosmic land of Asgard. He is cast out by his father Odin (Anthony Hopkins) and sent to Earth till he is worthy enough to reclaim his powers. All the while his brother Loki plots his takeover of Asgard.

This will be a star-making vehicle for Hemsworth. Though I can't say this is one of the better comic movies. It feels more like a fantasy movie than belonging in the realm of superheroes. And that's all right, but I feel like it's going to be difficult to tie him in with the Avengers. Tom Hiddleston, the actor playing Loki, is a decent actor and fits the villanious Loki perfectly. We should be seeing him as the villain in the Avengers as well. I've always faulted Marvel movies for having crappy villains, this movie changes that.

To put it simply, this is a good movie. It's decent summer action fare that doesn't make you more stupid for watching it. Though it just never grabbed me like other comic movies(Spiderman 2, Incredible Hulk). The scenes on Asgard are pretty captivating but as soon as Thor is on Earth, the movie basically stands still. His human "love" interest is Natalie Portman. I respect her acting and hot looks, but her character and entire research team were pretty unnecessary. They try to rush a connection between she and Thor and it just doesn't have enough time to develop.

There is truly nothing wrong with this movie. When I try to name its flaws, the comic relief done by Kat Dennings (yuck) comes off pretty flat. The battle between Thor and the Destroyer lasts about 12 seconds. The real gripe I had with this movie is that I felt disconnected. I just couldn't get into it. As I've said, they've done a lot of good things and made an entertaining movie, but it almost feels half-a$$ed.

Also do me a favor and do not see this movie in 3D. I am biased and hate 3D, but it only makes this movie darker and can possibly induce narcolepsy. Do yourself a favor and avoid movies that do post-conversion 3D completely.

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"A Blast" Energy Drink

I don’t believe in spiritual healers, chiropractors, or witch doctors. I don’t need a Cup-o-Joe to get me going in the morning, nor do I ever use a “pick-me-up” in the form of sugar, caffeine, or Noni Juice. I don’t get it, I don’t buy it, I don’tneed it. Ok, on occasion, I’ll double fist a bacon-double-chee for some extra energy, but other than that, I’m all natural.

That being said, I’m probably the perfect person to offer an unvarnished review of “A Blast” energy drink. To test it, I decided to save it for a day where I would really need it. I got it in 3 forms, all berry flavored. The 16 0z monster chug, the 8 oz grab and slam, and the 2 oz shot-o-life. Those are my names for them, by the way, not theirs. I slammed the 16 about a half hour before my 2^nd workout on a day where I had virtually no sleep after watching a marathon session of “The ultimate fighter” the night before. I was dead and was heading to a kickboxing class at lunchtime. Unfortunately, if you are dragging in kickboxing class, you are likely going to leave with a smashed face and some bruised ribs, so I needed some help. I was completely skeptical, but I have to say that I got through my workout much better than I anticipated. Having my guts full of fluid did make me feel a little sloshy on the lower half, so I decided to start chugging a little earlier next time, maybe an hour before my workout. The other biggie for me is the fact that I didn’t get nauseous. I’m a fancy lad and have the weakest stomach on earth. I cannot eat anything really before a workout; unless I plan to hit the trash can every 15 min. This usually means a small portion of instant oatmeal and nothing else 30 min to an hour before I hit it hard. (I also get sick if I don’t eat anything, so no, I didn’t overlook the obvious) I was happy to see that this stuff didn’t upset my delicate sensibilities in the slightest.

The 8 oz version was used in exactly the same manner as the first and yielded similar results. I also didn’t experience the “zonk” that some people describe after getting their burst of energy from drinks of a similar ilk. I performed well in class and felt great after as well. As far as taste goes, it resembled crushed aspirin in fruit juice to me, so tolerable, but nothing I would order with an umbrella.

Finally, I downed the shot version and I have to say it tastes a little like ass. Maybe not hot sweaty ass, but there is a hint of hiney in that little bottle somewhere. I downed it anyway (like a real man should) and I did feel pretty perky during class. I may have been “buzzing” a little afterward as I was seriously sleep deprived, but other than getting through my workout better than expected, I didn’t really notice any other side effects.

I don’t think I would drink this stuff on a regular basis, but on those occasions where I am running on less than 5 hours sleep and trying to pull a double workout session or double shift at work, I really would consider a can. The calorie count isn’t too bad, and it doesn’t seem to be just the normal combo of massive caffeine and sugar, although there is some of both inside. Though they claim ½ that of other similar drinks. The vitamins or whatever other strange roots from the Serengeti that make up this concoction do as advertised. I’ll give this stuff 4 stars for surprising me energy wise, but I do have to subtract one for the rank nature of the shot version. 3 energized stars it is.

One final note: This product is virtually impossible to find on the web. I have no idea why there isn’t a website and some web presence but this is the worst case of web-under-exposure I’ve ever seen. Even if you do want to try it, good luck finding a place to buy it.

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