Sucker Punch Movie Review

I went and saw Sucker Punch last night. I’ve been anxious to see this movie since the very first trailer came out. From the trailers, one is lead to believe it has everything an action film fan could ever want: Explosions, machine guns, scantily clad uber-hot chicks, samurai sword fights, aerial combat, evil robots, more explosions, dragons, did I mention scantily-clad uber-hot chicks? If this is what you spent your hard-earned money to see then you absolutely, positively will not be disappointed.

I’ve read several reviews of this film and none of the other reviewers liked it. Few could muster up a single good thing to say about it. Did they see the trailer before going to the film? What did they expect to find with this film? Did they buy tickets for The King’s Speech and accidentally walk into the wrong theater? One reviewer said this movie is the first case of a movie based on a video game without the benefit of a video game. A movie based on a comic book without the benefit of a comic book. Huh? What an idiot. He's pissed because the movie is original?

Again, my argument of “what did you expect” throws all of their reviews out the window. This movie is not like Armageddon at all so don’t get confused when I say that it suffers from the same type of reviewing that Armageddon received. Critics went to it knowing full well what it was going to be and reviewed it like it should have been Gone With the Wind. That’s like me reviewing The Fighter and criticizing it for not having enough explosions in it. Damn that Mark Wahlberg for not blowing enough stuff up in The Fighter.

The movie was awesome. It was violent throughout, but the only disturbing part was the opening sequence. The rest of the action sequences were stylistic with sweeping, visually-stunning landscapes. It wasn’t enough to mix genres throughout the movie. The individual action sequences were a hybrid of different eras and places. It was no surprise to see a Vietnam War US helicopter, flying around a futuristic landscape chasing after a hover-train full of evil robots while multiple planets loom larger than our moon in the night sky. Or World War I trench warfare being carried out with steam-powered reanimated corpses and automatic weapons with laser sights.

The music was modernized covers of Led Zeppelin, Eurythmics, The Beatles, Queen and others. All were very well done and added to the overall “mixing” of time and place theme of the whole movie. The acting was good, maybe not great, but good. The main characters “Baby Doll”, “Sweet Pea”, “Rocket” (my personal favorite), “Blondie” (who was brunette – how cool is that), and “Amber” were interesting without a lot of time wasted on typical cinematic trappings such as “character development” or “back-story”. Who cares, they were uber-hot, half naked and total bad-asses!!!!


The show was completely stolen by Scott Glenn. His character “Wise Man” (ya gotta dig these uncomplicated names dude) acted as a guide to the girls as they worked their way through a series of challenges each designed to take them one step further to their goal which was freedom from the hell in which they had found themselves trapped in. Popping up here and there to give instructions, guidance and a taste of folksy wisdom just for flavor, the “Wise Man” was simply awesome. I’ve always liked Scott Glenn, but this was indeed the best role of his life.

If you want more realistic Sci-Fi action I guess you should go see Battle LA, if you want better acting, screenwriting, character development, blah blah blah, yawn, go see The King’s Speech or The Fighter. But if you’re in the mood to have your world totally rocked, your engine totally revved and your life forever sucker-punched then run, don’t walk, run to go see Sucker Punch!!!!!!!! I give it 4 stars, because it was only PG-13 and therefore did not have the requisite gore and nudity required to make this a perfect action movie!!!

Read more »

Caffex CaffeMallows Review

Whereas I'm not a big coffee drinker, I solicited help from the most jittery guy I know, my buddy Josh, for the following guest review. -Meatwad

As a man that consumes more coffee than a long haul truck team, I'm always willing to try new products that fill my body with oh so sweet caffeinated goodness! I'm not going to lie, most of them suck and taste like the insides of my grandma’s shoe. Do I still consume them? You bet your caffeine loving butt I do! So, when I heard that that the people at Caffex had merged the DNA of a marshmallow with the genomes of an espresso, I hopped on it like a fat kid on a cupcake!

Right out of the gate, I can't say I was overly impressed with the main label on the package. A picture of lips doesn't entirely tickle my fancy, unless I'm in an adult shop. I personally would have went with a coffee bean sticking out of a marshmallow, or maybe a marshmallow with a mean old gangsta coffee bean face. (Caffex, if you use any of these, you owe me a lifetime supply of these babies!) But like my daddy always said, “You can't judge a caffeinated Mallow by it's not so appeasing lip packaging.” So since it was just after lunch I grabbed what I believed to be the most potent one, the Java Mallow, and ripped it open like the incredible hulk!

The overall smell was quite gratifying, tickling my senses with the sweet smell of coffee beans and chocolate syrup. As I bit into it, the texture reminded me a lot of Yoplait Whips, Chocolate Mousse Style Yogurt (Insert advertising revenue here). At this point I'm suppose to give you some meticulous description of the taste, so here I go (pause for affect). It tastes like a coffee marshmallow, spot on! Wish I had something better for you, but I don't. If you like the taste of coffee, which I do, then you're going to enjoy this. If you're one of those people that have more flavoring in your coffee than coffee, probably not so much. If you're someone that doesn't like coffee all together, you probably shouldn't buy a product that has the term “Coffee” or “Espresso” in the title, just saying. If you're asking yourself, was the third question really necessary? Let me ask you a question, do we really need the warning label, “for indoor or outdoor use only” on Christmas lights? The answer, sadly, is yes, yes we do (bang head on desk).

So now on to what I feel is the most important question. Do these little buggers actually work? I can actually say, within about five minutes of eating the mallow of madness, I was feeling pretty good. The extreme high lasted about an hour and I was pretty alert for about three hours afterward. Again, I tend to drink an extreme amount of coffee, so results may vary, use a directed. Overall, I would have to say the effectiveness of the Java Mellow was very positive. One, I don't have to drink it, and two, it and doesn't taste like an old shoe. Minus the package, its gets a positive review in my book.

As a person that likes to camp, there was one last test that these Mallows needed to pass before I would give it my overall Review Spew Stamp of Approval. Yes my friends, I'm talking about the camp fire marshmallow test. However, since I'm too lazy to go to the woods, I did what every good American does. I grabbed a lawn chair, started a fire in my back yard, and found my favorite roasting stick. I sat there for about five minutes waiting for this baby to burst into flames, but to my surprise it only got crispier and crispier. Which kind of threw a wrench in my normal recipe of, catch on fire, wait thirty seconds, blow out frantically, eat quickly while scolding inside of mouth.

Personally, I know I'm not the only idiot roasting these things; it would have been nice to know they were flame retardant. I guess if your friends catch on fire while camping, you could always pelt them with these babies instead of peeing on them. Thanks, Caffex, for making the world a safer place! Besides looking like a very well done burger, it tasted pretty good. The outside was nice and crunchy while the middle was still gooey. Besides being slightly overdone, I think these would make a fine addition to my camping/back yard experience. Thanks Caffex!

Read more »

Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down Book Review

Forrest Griffin is my hero. This has been the case since I first saw that Griffin/Bonner fight at the end of The Ultimate Fighter: Season 1. There has never been a fight like it. I’ve also watched him as a trainer on a subsequent season of TUF and the guy is flat-out hilarious in addition to his badassedness. Even his post-fight chats with Joe Rogan get me rollin’, especially if he is the one that just got knocked out. He has a ridiculous chin and has the ability to take punishment like no other and does it with an awkward Cro-Magnon-esque body reminiscent of “Mr. Peepers” from the old SNL sketch (look it up). Yeah, he’s my hero. Hence, when I saw that he had written the book Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down: A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse I had to buy it. Surprised he wrote a book? Well this is actually his second book, so quit stereotyping. The first is entitled “Got Fight?”, and yes, I am reading it now. Plus, he used to be a police officer, and is awesome, and has good ground and pound, and striking, and is cool and also awesome, and another thing…….so go grab a piece of fat and slide off.

In this book, Forrest breaks down the very essence of manliness. He defines and redefines exactly what it is to walk tall reeking of masculinity. It is from this perspective that he attempts to teach you those skills that not only allow you to survive the eminent apocalypse, but rather flourish in the wastelands.

But is the book comprehensive? Yeah. Example: The actual destroyer of the earth doesn’t even matter as he covers all possible scenarios including lava flow, nuclear winter, and there may have even been a section on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. If there wasn’t, there should have been as it would have fit right in with the Zombies and plagues. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not being sarcastic. I’ve been convinced that both Zombies and plagues are inevitable and I am glad, for one, that we can finally have an open dialogue about it.

He covers preparation, escape routes, what to do with unwanted and unneeded family members, fallout shelters, weapon choice, and even how to rise to power in a Mad Max like world. I don’t want to give too much away, but my favorite part has to be his discussion on whom to take with you on your “End of Days” quest. I know what you are thinking…stripper and/or hooker right? No…see, that is dead wrong, and Forrest explains, in detail, why. I’ve also gotta say, it is very tough to refute his logic.

He even has a little section on Pimpin’ your post-apocalyptic ride that was written by none-other-than Zakk Wylde the Satanic maniac himself. What more do you people want in a book? How about a step by step guide to making a personal, umm….”device” using rubber bands, a towel, veggie oil, and a rubber glove? Sick, demented, kinda sad, but genius none-the-less. Plus, since the men-to-women ratio will likely be 100-1 post D-Day, it serves a real purpose. He is like Mr. Wizard, if Mr. Wizard was a registered sex offender.

So if you are too sophisticated for bathroom humor, jokes about STD’s, or locker room repertoire, this isn’t the book for you. If you are offended by pretty much anything that has ever been put on film or in print, then this isn’t the book for you. However, if you are a dude, with man thoughts, and a guy brain, with a bro’s mindset, grab this off the shelf and flip it open for a few chuckles. Those chuckles just might save your life.

Read more »

Paul movie review

Two of my favorite movies are "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz." Those movies combine the great direction of Edgar Wright with the perfect chemistry and comic timing of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. These men really know how to capture the essence that man-children around the world envy.

"Paul" pairs Pegg and Frost together again, but without the help of director Wright. It is a buddy comedy where these two British fanboys travel the alien landmarks of America, until they pick up a crass alien fugitive, voiced by Seth Rogen. They are pursued by shady government agents, hillbillies, and a religious fundamentalist.

I wanted to love this movie. I'm pretty critical of comedies but I really wanted this to be one of the good ones. I'm a sci fi geek and a movie with a great cast that pays homage to all things nerd should be great, right? Sadly it just wasn't that funny. Though the rest of the audience would disagree with me. I did catch myself laughing at the sci fi references, but unfortunately there weren't enough. Instead we got quite a few gay jokes, d!@k references, and shock value swears. Not my cup of tea.

Which brings me to my next point. The movie "Superbad" had all those things and apparently it was my cup of tea. But this movie, by the same director, just didn't have the same effect.

I really hope this movie isn't what people associate Simon Pegg and Nick Frost with. If you haven't seen "Shaun" or "Fuzz" go see them now. Yes you may not love them as much as me. But you're guaranteed to laugh 27 times more than you would if you watched Paul.

Paul is not a terrible movie by any means. I smiled quite a bit while watching, but secretly wish I was able to do some gut laughs. I just feel that when Pegg and Frost are together the audience deserves more. It's time they rejoined forces with Edgar Wright. I give this movie 2 & 1/2 stars, but for lack of a graphic it gets 3.

Happy St. Patricks Day!

Read more »

Chess Free Android App by AI Limited Review

I'd like to think that I'm moving up the Android game app evolutionary chain.  I'm not saying that it was a bad thing that the first app I ever downloaded was Angry Birds.  It's an enjoyable game, if not mindless.
I've since tried to spend my time (on the john) playing games more productive.  By productive, I'm not trying to insinuate that I am changing the world or shorting stocks like NVDA.  I have tried to take the approach to learn a game that might stimulate the mind. (I'm not saying that Talking Tomcat isn't stimulating and hilarious...especially if you are 8 years old)

I slowly worked into new games like Skip-Bo, Parcheesi, Euchre, and Cribbage.  These were all new to me, and I found them enjoyable for a while.  Unfortunately, they became monotonous and repetitive.  I needed something better. (I am the Skip-Bo master.  If it were an Olympic sport, I'd be Michael Phelps--only shorter, fatter, but better teeth)
I tried to find a good Spades app.  Unfortunately, the AI of the computer players is generally terrible.

That's when I downloaded and installed Chess Free by AI Limited.

This is a free app, but you can pay for a version that removes the ads.

This app can be customized fairly well.  You can have 2 players or just yourself against the computer.  You can play as black or white, and it even keeps statistics of the games you've played.  You can review games for fun with friends on a Friday night as well.

You can also set the computer AI to any one of 10 levels of "smarts."  When I first started playing, I figured I'd warm up on level 1 before hitting a 7 or 8.
In a very un-Kasparov fashion--I'm still on level 1.

There are many reasons for this besides the fact that I'm not particularly bright. (or skinny...but I digress)
--First of all, I need to finish the game in less than 5-10 minutes, or the line outside the john starts getting long.  This is a problem as I never think of the next move I'm going to make. (Much like Charlie Sheen)
--I don't like foreplay.  By this, I mean the amount of "setup" that you need before the killin' begins.  Some people will play forever without even sacrificing a pawn.  This is not my style.  I take the John J. Rambo approach to the game.
--Multiple undo's.  This app lets you undo a move until the beginning of the game.  VIM is the only software that approaches this type of undo satisfaction.  Couple this with my Rambo-like nature, and I'll throw down 15 moves in a minute--and find myself in check-mate.  I'll quickly rationalize that given the proper amount of time to examine all the moves and consequences...I would have never taken this approach to begin with....And thus I'll undo...and undo...and undo..until I feel safe again.  On a poignant note, I have never contemplated an undo when I win.  As a direct result of this, my win percentage is somewhere near 80%.  I can't honestly claim this with a clear conscience.

The app is fast, never crashes, and runs smoothly.  You have plenty of configurable options at your disposal.

On level 1, the AI is actually pretty good.  I haven't tried on any level above this, as the level of "undoing" would reach epic proportions.  While I may not be at the top of the app gaming evolutionary chain yet, I'm slowly working my way there...one undo at a time.

The Chess Free app from AI Limited receives a solid 5-star rating.  It is truly one of the best free game apps on the Android market today.

Read more »

Battle: Los Angeles review

There are few original ideas in Hollywood. They tend to cycle through particular genres every 10 years. It's time again for alien invasion movies. And no, I don't mean illegal alien invasion movies. With Battle:LA, Skyline, Paul, Men in Black 3(next year), and Super 8 we are getting the cinematic equivalent of a probe that may or may not be welcome.

Battle: Los Angeles stars Aaron Eckhart as "Staff Sergeant." He is pulled out of retirement to lead a group of faceless marines who distrust him because he apparently got his last division killed in battle. When the alien soldiers strike LA, they are pulled into the fight. That's the story. Yep, that's it. I know I shouldn't be too critical because it's essentially a war movie, but there is literally nothing to this movie. And when they do decide to get sentimental it doesn't carry over because the writing and acting is so poor.

Aaron Eckhart carries the movie. The rest of the battalion are so forgettable that when they start dying, you forget they were ever there. Sure, the beginning of the movie tries to set up their backstories: Guy getting married, virgin, token asian, guy whose wife is pregnant, etc. All I'm saying is that they're pretty standard and I felt myself rooting for some to bite the dust. Is it wrong that I wanted Michelle Rodriguez to die so much?

I actually did like some things about this movie. The aliens were actually vulnerable to guns and it felt like a real war, rather than shooting at forcefields the whole time. The standoff on the freeway was pretty intense and had me caring about the movie for a brief time.

This movie is perfect for those people who want a non-stop ride but don't want the hassle of thinking. There are explosions-a-plenty and lots of dying, so I think this movie definitely has an audience. This might be the best recruitment video I've seen for the marines yet. I give Battle NCIS CSI: Los Angeles 2 silver stars, barely.

Read more »

Radiohead - The King of Limbs review

The following is a guest review written by "Griff." Griff's review does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Review Spew. But it just so happens that I agree with this review wholeheartedly.

About every three years there is an event that causes the world stand still. People everywhere put down their weapons of war and put aside their political differences. They call in sick to work and gather their spouses, sons, and daughters around the family Ipod so that they can claim they were the first. They were the first to hear the new Radiohead album and spew their praises all over the internet. Of course I’m being hyperbolic here, but no more so then the copious adulations that greet every instance that Thom Yorke and company decide to record and release a collection of sounds.

The latest album, “King of Limbs”, is no exception. The critics and most passionately the bands loyal fans all confirm the seemingly unquestionable truth that the latest album is the latest in a string of genius that dates back to the band’s 1995 album, “The Bends.” With a band of Radiohead’s caliber its difficult for a critic, especially one who is a fan of the band to be truly objective, but I’m going to give it a try.

Before continuing I need to confess that it is difficult for me to listen to Radiohead without my fan’s headphones, the auditory equivalent to beer goggles. My fandom began later then most fans. I’d heard their previous work, but the first album that I truly absorbed was “Kid A.” I loved it. It sounded like nothing else. The blips that opened “Everything In Its Right Place,” the driving rhythm and free jazz horns of “The National Anthem,” the solitary acoustic guitar buried under the electric ambience that characterizes “How to Disappear Completely,” and the non club techno of “Idioteque,” were what finally set Radiohead apart from all their peers and imitators. Of course I was prompted to go back and really listen to their previous work, which as a guitar head I thoroughly enjoyed hearing the three guitar interplay of Yorke, Johnny Greenwood, and Ed O’Brien on tunes like “Paranoid Android,” “My Iron Lung,” and “Just.” “Amnesiac” followed “Kid A” and once again my ears were treated to a sonic smorgasbord of electronics, mournful vocals, and creative instrumental interplay. “Hail To the Thief,” came when my musical interests were directed elsewhere, and while it had some good moments, it wasn’t enough to redirect me back to the Radiohead cult. By the time “In Rainbows” came I figured Radiohead was beyond their prime but that their music would always be worth a purchase. To say the least I was presently surprised by the beautiful, melancholic, and futuristic pop of ditties like “Reckoner” and “House of Cards.” It turned out to be what in my opinion was their strongest collection of songs since their nineties heyday.

The reason I’ve given my long and dull autobiography of my history with Radiohead, is to establish that I am not a hater. I think Radiohead is one of history’s great bands and that they will continue to be. This is what makes it so difficult for me to write this review of “The King of Limbs.”

The album opens with frantic piano, heavy bass, and the electronic beats of “Bloom.” Thom Yorke’s unmelodic singing follows and the mood for the album is set. (Keep in my mind I’m not trying to insult Yorke here. There doesn’t always need to be a melody for a song to move you.) “Morning Mr. Magpie,” continues the trend of heavy bass and electronica, but this time Yorke’s vocals are more conventional with a hint of anger. “Little By Little,” is the first track that would probably catch the pop-oriented listener but it tends to wear out its welcome when it moves beyond the three minute mark. “Feral,” is a bit formless in the melody department but Phil Selway’s drumming sounds like a funky jazz drummer discovering techno. Pretty cool stuff.

The album’s first single, “Lotus Flower,” begins the second half of the album. While I don’t want to tear off and set my ears on fire while I listen to it, the song is actually quite pleasant, I can’t think of anything about it that stands out. This leads to my two favorite tunes on the album. “Codex” is a haunting piano ballad that recalls “The Pyramid Song,” while the spare acoustic strumming of “Give Up the Ghost,” hooks you into Yorke’s foreboding pleas of, “don’t worry.” “Separator,” closes out the album and once again, it’s a rhythmically interesting and listenable track, but I can’t pull anything out of it that makes me want to recommend it for repeated listening.

In the end this is the problem I have with the entire album. I’m not one who thinks that it is just a random collection of sounds. It’s obvious to intent listeners that the album is complex and deliberately crafted to capture a mood of alienation. The beats are interesting and add texture to each song’s color; but none of this makes it an album that I will revisit on regular basis. Virtuosity and complexity doesn’t always equal genius and listenability. Be honest, when was the last time you popped in some “Bitches Brew,” era Miles Davis? Music like this requires concentration to really appreciate its merits, which testifies to skill of the musicians but it doesn’t strike an emotional chord. The best thing about popular music is that it colors our consciousness with the poetry of sound as it becomes the soundtrack that accompanies our most beautiful and indelible life experiences. There is a lot of music that can do at least one of these things, but truly great music can touch us while also testifying to the talent of the performer. That’s the kind of music that lasts and is remembered through the decades. That is the case with much of Radiohead’s music, but in my opinion it is not the case with the “King of Limbs.” 3 Stars

Read more »

The Adjustment Bureau review

The first few months of every year are reserved for movies that the studios want to release and have everyone forget. Which is fitting because you could almost say that the studios are the actual adjustment bureau. I didn't expect too much from this movie because it had been delayed many times and has released to little fanfare. (I like parades for big movie releases apparently.)

Matt Damon stars as an up-and-comer politician who has his heart set on being elected Senator. His whole life is planned out and organized, then he meets Emily Blunt and the two hit it off. The only hitch is, they are never supposed to meet again. Enter the men with hats. They are the agents of fate and do everything in their power to stop the two from being together.

I like that they explore free will vs. fate throughout the movie but there isn't much of a plot to connect it to. The hatted men are hardly evil enough to be great villains and you never truly find out their reason for keeping the two apart. The aspect that keeps this movie afloat is that the chemistry between Damon and Blunt is actually believable. I'm not a fan of love stories in any movie but it really does hold this one together.

I don't know if anyone will admit to it, but there are many who probably didn't understand the complexity of Inception. To be honest, I don't know if anyone but Christopher Nolan himself fully understands WTF is going on. The Adjustment Bureau is made for those people who want a movie to be unconventional but not so smart that it challenges the audience, as with Inception. There are definitely interesting ideas that go into Bureau but it seems as if they've been borrowed from better sci fi movies.

The equation for the film is as follows:
"The Matrix" - the action + "Serendipity" + "The Manchurian Candidate" + running = The Adjustment Bureau

As I said, I went into this movie with low expectations and I was pleasantly surprised. I recommend you do the same. It's a movie that will make you think, if only till the credits roll. The Adjustment Bureau receives 3 large stars.

Read more »