Drive Angry 3D review

Nicholas Cage is a machine. The man pumps out more movies in a year than Ron Jeremy. I'm not sure of the exact number, but I'm pretty certain he is appearing in no less than 19 flicks in 2011 alone. Does anyone remember a time when he once won a Best Actor Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas? No, they only remember his eterna-mullet in Next. Personally I long for the extremely plausible film classic Face Off.

It seems like the "writers" of Drive Angry 3D had a sleepover and watched a marathon of exploitation road-trip 70's movies and came up with this screenplay. Nicholas Cage plays a guy who escaped from Hell to avenge his daughter's death and save his granddaughter from being sacrificed by a backwoods cult. Does that not sound crazy enough for you? Well add to that, Death himself (known as the accountant) trying to bring him back to Hell. Oh and there is also a hot girl thrown into the mix just we so have something to look at besides Cage's massive forehead.

The equation for this movie is simple.
One liners + terrible acting + boobs + forgettable action + satan worshippers + gimmicky 3D = Drive Angry 3D

The lone standout in this movie is the character of the Accountant, played by William Fichtner. He is the guy you have seen in pretty much everything but will never be able to remember his name. He seems like an updated liquid terminator from T2 but is doing his job with a smile. Nicholas Cage seems like he is falling asleep, often channeling Rain Man in his line delivery.

The 3D is decent because it wasn't done in post-production. To be honest, this movie knows exactly what it is. It's not trying to be the next King's Speech, it's trying to be big, loud, angry-driving fun. I wish this was a new cult-camp classic, but it got a little tired.

Drive Angry 3D receives 2 stars. Though I'm already lining up for Drive Angrier 3D. Don't laugh, you know some Hollywood producer is already thinking of it if this movie does well.

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Duffle Bag Lifestyle Review

In my estimation, the biggest problem with any new hobby is the gear. The expense isn’t even the major issue of which I am speaking. The problem is the collection, preparation, and transport of said gear so that when you are out “hobbying” you actually have what you need when you need it.

Let me better explain with an example. Suppose you are a 30 year old little boy that wants to live out his Rambo induced war fantasies without the commitment, work, or threat of personal injury that comes with joining the armed forces. Instead you head to the store and pick up a paint ball gun, mask, and some CO2, convince no less than 3 buddies to do exactly the same and head out to the foothills to shoot one another. Day one goes great. Everyone has fun, you had that barrel cleaner the guy sold you so when you were firing 23 rounds a second and the first one exploded in the tube, you were able to clean that gallon of wasted paint and continue with your day in a timely fashion. The next day that you head out is where the problems start. You put the mask on the freezer when you came home the first time and the gun in your closet. The barrel cleaner is in the bottom of the Walmart bag still caked with paint. Your buddy asks you to come last minute and you dive out the door with your gun and mask after hunting around for it for a half hour. You get to the foothills and after your 2^nd shot disintegrates in the barrel, you are out for the day. You spend the next 3 hours trying to fashion a makeshift cleaner out of your shirt collar and sock and end up dismantling the entire gun only to find that you don’t have a half inch wrench let alone the 1.045748 mm star-head-Allen-inverted-Torx bit required to remove the barrel. Instead, you’re done, no fun. You will go home, throw the gun in the closet next to your inline skates and electric guitar, never to be used again. Total cost for one afternoon of fun, $342.

This same scenario goes for pretty much every hobby I have tried in my youth.

Float tube fly fishing: been out on the lake without flippers.

Basketball: got to the court and the ball was flat.

Baseball: Brought a mitt but my friend didn’t. Can’t play catch with yourself.

Hunting: Been on the hill and found that I had only 2 bullets left for my 270. Unfortunately, I was carrying a 30-30.

Guitar: went to a buddy’s house to jam and didn’t have a cable to plug in. The Fender just don’t sound the same on mute.

RC Trucks: Took a Nitro truck off a 30 foot jump and didn’t have replacement A-arms, axles, frame, bumpers, shocks, engine, or transmitter. (Side-note: when the guy at the store recommends you just go electric. Don’t get all proud and say you can handle Nitro because you are an engineer… no..you can’t. Just take his condescending advice. It will be the best thing you ever do.)

Kickboxing: Got to gym with a cup but no jock. Duct tape is not really going to hold that in place.

Tennis: All racquet, no balls. (Need I comment further?)

Time and time again, I would plan a Saturday of fun only to spend half the day looking for gear I knew I had already purchased, followed by spending even more time in the store, repurchasing said items. Ultimately I would get to the “place of hobby” ill-equipped and frustrated.

With a history like this, I decided to make a change a few years ago. I now employ the Meatwad duffle-bag-organization-method-of-hobbying-and-exercise. So far, it has been flawless. Here is how it works. My entire life is now compartmentalized into dozens of duffle bags. The bags are multi-colored and of different design based on the hobby. Within that bag is EVERYTHING one would need for the hobby. Upon return, I instantly replenish hobby supplies and zip it up until the next time, which may be a year from now. Note, that in a year from now, if someone asks me to go hobby, I will grab that bag with confidence and be out the door in a flash knowing that I am prepped and ready.

Here are a few examples. In the morning I may go play racquetball, do some kickboxing, go running, or lift weights. I have a different duffle bag for each of these sports. There are some common factors among them, but I cannot rely on a different bag to cover me, so some things I must buy twice, maybe even 3 times. For instance, I need hair gel, deodorant, a brush, underwear, a towel, etc. for when I finish these activities and have to get ready for work. Every duffel bag has all of these items. I refuse to try to remember each of these things or even to have a smaller bag of these things that gets transported separately every day. One day, you will forget and have to work the entire day in a sweaty jock strap. (“Free ballin’” isn’t recommended if you wear Dockers to work) I’ve even put spare belts in the bags just in case.

I do this with every activity listed above and now have dozens of duffle bags for everything I do. My wife mocks me about this compulsion, as she calls it, but I am continually vindicated when unpredicted things happen at family outings and I am absolutely prepared, always. I just look and smile as I pull a pair of needle nosed pliers and the 17/32 socket out of the bag to fix leaky valve on the Camp Chef stove…because those tools were in the camp-cooking duffle bag in anticipation of such an event. Yeah, I'm pretty much a planner these days.

I promise, once you try this, you will love it, and although the cost may seem to be more up-front, your play-to-cost ratio will go up exponentially making it worth every penny. The only words of caution I have are that you may also start buying spare equipment for the friends you take, because partner activities are only as good as the weakest link. Your ill prepared buddies will waste your time and drive you mad, so you might as well just eat the cost of their gear too if you ever plan to have any fun or get in a full work out. Unfortunately, you will need another bag for that.

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Sugar Free Halls Cough Drop Review

A plague of epic proportions visited my home in the past month.  It left no prisoners in its wake.  All members of my family experienced fever and body aches, which then progressed into a cold.
It was like an influenza strain mated with a cold virus.  Their offspring was then blessed by the dark lord in order to create as much misery from copious amounts of mucus as humanly possible.  As (bad) luck would have it, I have been affected most by this pandemic in our home.
While most of my symptoms have cleared up, there is a nasty cough that has settled in my chest.  It's like a little goblin resides in my esophagus, constantly tickling it with a feather.

Nobody likes a sick person.  At work, church, home, or the strip club, this becomes a major downer.  Nobody hears a co-worker attempting to cough up a small intestine, and thinks, "Oh..I hear Bobby coughing.  Good thing he's at his cubicle.  I have a few questions for him." 
The more likely thought is, "Damn that Bobby and his sickness.  It's like he turns on a spray gun full of virus with every cough.  If he gets me sick, I'm going to break his neck and leave him in the janitors closet---and then take his window cubicle."

I repeat...Nobody likes a sick person, and I didn't want that sick person to be me.  This is one of the reasons I picked up a small pallet of Halls Sugar Free cough drops.  I needed a way to mask my guttural hacking from others.

I don't know how cough drops work, but I sure love em.  I generally opt for the Black Cherry or Honey Lemon flavor, but have been known to delve into the Mountain Menthol flavor as well.
Halls claims that these drops have "triple soothing action."  They'll soothe a sore throat, relieve a cough, and clear nasal passages.  The drops do seem to have some positive effect in all of these areas.

Unfortunately, I have now become addicted to cough drops.  Anytime the tickle goblin pulls out the feather, I throw in another cough drop.  I think I've become a closet chain "dropper."  I hide my wrappers from the kids.  I brush my teeth after eating them to hide the smell.  I desire a drop in the mornings, after meals, and while driving in my car.  I don't think I can quit.
In fact, I've started sucking on drops at night when my cough is acting up.  I'll wake up in the morning with thick, sticky Black cherry drop residue around the edges of my mouth like I was a 4 year old eating a Popsicle.  Cough drop wrappers scattered up to my ankles.

Menthol is one of the active ingredients in the drops.  What does the menthol do?  I don't know.
For those of you that may be worried about the menthol content of these drops, the US national cancer institute has said that you would need to ingest ~3461 drops a day in order for the chemicals to interact negatively with your body.  Luckily, I am only at about 2500 drops a day...thus I think I'm pretty safe.

I think I may have to eventually see a doctor...not for my cough, but to wean me off of cough drops.
I give the Halls sugar-free cough drops a 4-star rating.  I docked them a star as they haven't found a way to implement a bacon flavor into a cough drop yet.  When they do---that will be real addiction.

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Chapstick Review

During the first 30 years of my life, I can count on one hand the number of times I used lip salve. In the last 5 years I have been increasing in its use at an almost exponential rate. There isn’t a day that goes by, at this point, where I don’t slather on a lip balm of some sort at least three times. I guess I should also note that I now use lotion on my elbows and face and eye drops in my eyeballs a couple of times a day now too. Without the eye drops, I am pretty sure I would be blind from the absolute lack of lubrication under my lids every morning when I wake up, so it isn‘t a luxury, it is necessity. Further, my elbows itch like I fell in a patch of poison oak and my face falls off like a lepper without healthy dose of Jergins everyday. Is this really my fate? I didn’t think becoming a “Dried-up old codger” really had anything to do with my body‘s moisture content. I drink roughly a gallon of water a day, but do you think anything actually makes into my tissues and skin? Nope, instead I am plagued with a bout of frequent urination that would make you think my bladder is either the size of a walnut or my prostate is the size of a beach ball. Either way, I’m getting up twice a night or wetting the bed. So drinking more isn’t really going to solve my problem.

Hence, if I am indeed resigned to being a crusty, flaky, freak for the rest of my days, I had better choose my hygienic weapons well. So the question is, what lip product can a man keep on his person and potentially use in public without stepping into the cross-gender category (not that there is anything wrong with that)? One may consider following a woman’s approach as they are, in general, prepared for lip battle at all times. In fact, in desperate moments, I’ve sampled many of my wife’s various lip products. I assure you that I have never used any item classified as “lipstick” or “gloss”, nor have I sampled a “shimmer” of any sort when going into public. (What I do in the privacy of my own bedroom is my business!) I just prefer something with a little less tint and a little more sun block and lip-lube. I’m also not a huge fan of smelling menthol, citrus, berries, or any other fruit for 3 hours after applying. It is being slathered less than one inch under my nostrils, you know. While a woman’s bright red, cherry flavored lips may be the pinnacle of seduction for her, that same ruby-red whale lard rubbed on my face does little more than drop my bench press by 40lbs. Yes, they use whale lard in women’s cosmetics, but only from cutest of baby whales, I assure you. Who would want the fat of an old nasty whale on their face anyhow…besides Tom Arnold that is?

That brings us to the most manly facial cosmetic ever made. Chapstick. Good old, smells like an old candle, Chapstick. I think this stuff has got to be 100 years old and although it does come in different flavors now, I prefer the hearty musk of the ancient formula best. Hygiene-wise, the stick method of application is much better in my mind than products like Carmex, where you have to stick your filthy finger that has been touching nasty door handles all day into a tiny vat of goo before transferring that viral jelly to your lips. Just snap off the cap and go to town. Please note that if you blot anything on a napkin after applying you should be punched in the face.

My only word of caution with Chapstick is what I like to call “first chap”. First chap is the first time you use a new Chapstick. When you spin the bottom for the first time, the stick rises with a thin razor of product as a ring around the top of the stick. It is there from when the tube is filled at the factory and makes for a very uncomfortable “first chap”. I can only suggest you work through it like a man and use some hearty pressure to round off those razors so that your second chap onward will be smooth and comfortable. In my home, I always handle the “first chap” for the family. Like eating all leftovers that are over 5 days old, and always eating the heals of the bread, this is just part of being the “man of the house”. Makes you tough, grows hair on your chest. I’m sure my son will handle “first chap” when he is a husband and father. (almost brings a tear to my eye)

Size-wise, a Chapstick is perfect for a pocket, your car’s ashtray, or slipped over your right ear like a pencil. A single tube will last almost a lifetime even if you are “hitting the chap” six times a day like me. Chapstick is also very cheap and will never make you second guess your sexual proclivities. Plus, think about all the extra attention from the ladies if you do happen to slip one of those in the front pocket of your skinny jeans. Like my wife always says “Is that a Chapstick in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

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Frontier Airlines review

Two weeks ago, the company I work for flew my coworkers and I to Denver for a big false-enthusiasm motivational work meeting. When I got my flight information, the first thing I looked at was my departure time. (7 A.M. by the way. Yuck) The second thing I noticed is which airline we were flying on. Frontier? What the heck is Frontier!? I immediately assumed that my place of employment was cutting corners and getting us to Denver by way of pony express.

It turns out that Frontier is a legitimate airline after all. They may not be in every airport across the nation but are in quite a few. They only fly between North and Central America. My biggest worry about flying on Frontier is that I would be riding in those toaster ovens that Delta's little sister Skywest uses occasionally. Thankfully they are normal sized planes and don't give you shaken baby syndrome every time you fly through a cloud.

I am a tall guy(6'2" when standing with good posture, 5'11" normally) and most airplanes are not built for freaks like me. Or maybe it's the fact that the "big and tall" such as myself are not meant to ride coach. Frontier did give me the option when i checked in to upgrade to a seat with more leg room. I was so close to making the upgrade but knew that my company would come after me for the charges. The flight was under an hour so it was bearable, but if I were flying for over 2 hours the leg room bump would be worth trading in my David Robinson rookie card for. I don't know if this applies to Frontier airlines as a whole, but in the 2 flights I was on there was no First Class. The only good seats were the extra leg room seats. Though not being a first class rider, maybe that's a good thing. Everytime I have to pass the first class rows to find my coach seat I feel like the violated girl taking the walk of shame down a frat house hallway.

One of the reasons I use Southwest airlines more than any other is they don't charge for checked luggage. That reason alone probably brings them more business than anything. Frontier, as with most others, charges around 20 bucks a bag. Because my employer skimped on the airline they definitely weren't going to reimburse me for a checked bag. This might be a big money-maker for airlines but I believe it's driving the stewardesses(take that political correctness) crazy. So no one checks luggage in anymore and they cram as much as they possibly can into 2 carry on suitcases that can fit small children. On both flights I was on, half the plane was boarded but the overhead storage bins were all used up. The stewardess had to inform everyone else that they were going to throw their bags with the rest of the cargo. They could cut out that whole process if they just stopped charging for luggage.

This has nothing to do with Frontier's services but my company placed me in the middle seats round trip. I understand that someone has to draw the short straw and take one for the team every once in a while, but putting a long-legged lurp like me in the middle seat is inhumane. My own private Alcatraz.

The flight, like I said, was incredibly short so the snack service was limited. They served a round of drinks and also gave us a slightly warmed cookie. Looking at their snack cart I could not fathom what made it so warm. I surmised it was the heavy-set man (Kevin Smith?) in front of me who was sitting on them to melt the chocolate chips. That didn't stop me from eating it. As far as in-flight entertainment goes, there were tiny screens on the back of every seat. Though the only options for viewing were a handful of cable tv channels. And if you wanted to watch something thrilling like MSNBC it would cost you a cool $6. No thanks. Yes, once again, if I were flying cross country I would pay extra for the extra leg room and for TV, but 6 bucks seems a bit steep for an hour flight. Though I'm sure if you're flying with kids it might be a necessary evil.

Everything else on the plane was standard. The seats were just as comfortable/uncomfortable as any other airline. My flight wasn't delayed so that's good news. They say that they're less expensive than any other competitor. After price checking a few flights on different airlines, there wasn't any big price difference. The Frontier airlines slogan claims they are "A whole different animal." The way they really drive this home is by putting animals on the tail of the plane. That's cute but it doesn't necessarily drive me to pick their airline because it reminds me of Sea World.

I have ragged on Frontier Airlines but to tell you the truth they overcame my expectations by actually being a safe, standard airline with no glaring differences from bigger airlines. Frontier airlines reaches for the stars but only get 3 from me.

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Mega Python vs. Gatoroid on Syfy Review

For years, the Syfy channel has been unleashing holy fury on the wasteland that we call "made for TV horror."
If you haven't seen MegaPiranha...get on it.
Dinoshark?  Totally awesome.
Who could forget Mansquito??  An instant classic.
Then they really upped the ante when their monster classics started showing in pairs.  Megashark vs Crocosaurus!!  I'm pulling out an oldie but goody here...Bitchin!!

I hope you know that when I call these movies awesome...I really mean that they are awesomely terrible in every way.  In a 3-way race against Porn and Saved by the Bell, the leading roles in Porn and Dustin Diamond would generally garner the best acting nominations. (hah...he was in both--trick question)
The special effects in these Syfy movies appear to have been created on a TI-85. (by a 3rd grader)
The plots are slightly more interesting than a Twilight movie.

And yet....I love them.  The cardinal man rule for watching television states that you MUST stop and watch any time you run across the following movies:
Any Mad Max film.
Waterworld.
Terminator 2.
Rambo *.*
Rocky 4.

I am now nominating these terrible Syfy movies for your consideration into "must-watch" TV by dictate of the man-laws.

To my great surprise, this past weekend on Syfy had everything you could want in a B-movie and more.

Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid!!

Super Monsters---check
Bad Acting---check
Women in scantily clad clothing---check
Special effects courtesy of Richmond high school A/V crew---check
80's pop music icons---Double check!!

Yes..you read this right.  In this special engagement, Debbie Gibson and Tiffany are both in this feature film.

(To be honest, one of my first cassette tape purchases was from Tiffany...although I always considered Debbie to be much hotter.)

In this movie, Gibson plays an environmental tree-hugger, and Tiffany is an anti-environmental loudmouth.  In order to save the Florida----you know what??  I'll spare you the plot.  It would just confuse the awesomeness of the show.

A couple notes that won't spoil the movie for you that have yet to watch it.
Tiffany tries to over-compensate her "pre Biggest Loser" body by showing no less than 9 inches of cleavage at any given time.  I suppose she thought that it would pull your eyes away from her triple-axe handle-wide ass.
Gibson is the complete opposite of Tiffany.  She appears to be a recovering anorexic who's fallen off the wagon.  She's kind of looks like a semi-attractive Skeletor in a tight white dress.
The supporting cast is so bad that literally hurt my guts. Their presence has basically no bearing on the plot.  If Ron Jeremy came out and started riding one of the gators in his underwear, I wouldn't have blinked twice.  It would have fit right in.
The most exciting moment of the show occurs when Granny Clampett (one of the cops) pulls out a six-shooter and takes out a 90 foot gator.  Nicholas Cage would have been proud.

I don't even know how the movie starts or ended as my brain kind of goes into a state of shutdown in the non-action sequences of the movie.  I don't think it really matters.
Please set your DVR for this show as I'm sure it will be showing on Syfy for weeks to come.  Especially if it is your dream to see Gibson and Tiffany in a full-on scantily dressed girl fight.

I gave Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid 2 stars in a love/hate vote.  I hated this show with the passion of a Mel Gibson audio tirade...and yet I couldn't look away.  In fact, if this were to be on tonight...I'd stop and watch.
I'm still confused why it wasn't called Mega Pythons vs. Gatoroids as there were damn reptiles all over the place.

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