Stauffer's Smurftastic Iced Berry Cookie Review

As a self-proclaimed cookie glutton, I am always on the prowl for something new to add to my nightly repertoire of cookie snacking bliss. (with milk)  Although nothing can replace a double stuf Oreo, I have no problem sneaking out on them to sample the newest cookie wearing something flashy.  I have no problem paying for it as well.  I'm a cookie John.

Thus, I was ecstatic to find that Stauffer's had melded two of the greatest throw-backs from my child-hood.  Iced cookies and the Smurfs.

I used to spend countless hours watching Papa Smurf, Gargamel, and the rest of the crew.  The only one I disliked was Smurfette.  What a Smurf tease.  She gave new meaning to the term blue balls.

My friends have even call me rotund cynical smurf.  I think he's the one that looks like Brad Pitt.

Stauffer's has come out with Smurftastic iced berry cookies.  I took one look at the store, and threw them in my grocery cart.  They looked Smurfariffic.

I full well intended on consuming at least half the bag of these visually delicious cookies that night.  I had a large glass of milk, and sat down to watch an episode of Breaking Bad.

From the very first bite I could tell that something was wrong.  My vision blurred, my heart rate quickened. (from a resting rate of 98)  My tongue started to go numb, and my taste buds went into full rejection mode.
The best way I can describe these cookies is for you to imagine that you are eating a graham cracker topped with cherry chap-stick.  Then throw in a little after-taste of Febreze.
These are the worst cookies I have ever eaten...EVER!
To fully convince myself that I hadn't eaten a "bad one", I tried another.  I then realized that they were ALL "bad ones."

I would only recommend these cookies to starving children in third world countries.  Although not for eating.  I think they would best be used crushed up and put into a mortar base to build houses for the poor.

Other uses for these cookies come to mind:
You can feed them to your pets in lieu of bringing them to the Vet so they can be "put down."
Chop them up and place the bits into fruitcake or jello.
Use them as shotgun skeets.
Christmas gingerbread decorations.
Force suspected terrorists to eat instead of water-boarding. (this is much crueler)

If we had a negative star rating, I would give it here.  A big fat zero doesn't say enough about these horrible snacks.  Purchase at your own risk.

P.S. Even more stupid is the contest they're running.  If you find the Papa Smurf in a bag of cookies, you win a vacation to New York City.  2nd prize is a box of animal cookies.  Really?  More cookies as a prize?  How about the guarantee that these cookies will dissolve in a land-fill before the next millennium.


edjunkie said...

Come on Smurfette was the only chick there in the village for the most part. To top it off she was sterile like Jennifer Aniston. New Smurfs were delivered by the Stork during the Blue Moon. I am not even sure Smurfs had genitalia at all.

VampireWiki Blog said...

Yeah, we tried these too, not good. We did however keep eating way too many of them, while continuing to complain how bad they were.

Taste horrible, but are in some way addicting, in a bad way. It was almost like we thought they would get better the more we ate... sad experience :P

Will not buy again.

Matt said...

@edjunkie--I think Smurf sex involved a lot of dry humping.

@Vampire--Why would anyone keep eating something that tastes horrible? (oh yeah...like coffee)

Anonymous said...

"graham cracker topped with cherry chap-stick" HA! I will have to try these. I really wanna win those animal cookies

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