Just in case you’re not a regular reader of my reviews, let me reiterate that I’m a big fat fatty. Now with my qualifications securely stated …. onto the review. I stopped into a convenience store the other night on my way home because (drum roll please) I was hungry. And when I’m hungry, just watch out. Imagine a Big Fat Fatty waddling down the street screaming “JIM HUNGRY….JIM HUNGRY…MUST EAT” as his fat butt is knocking over buildings, and such.
OK so I looked around for a few minutes and found myself over by the dog-griller. You know what I’m talking about right? Those delightful rolling cookers that are ever present at every convenience store across this great land of ours? And there they were. Nestled between some dried up leathery chorizo and something so plump and bulbous that it set off my gay-dar, was the food item that would forever alter the course of my life. Tornados. It looked like they normally had a larger selection but at this moment they only had 2 varieties, Pork Verde and Grilled Chicken and Cheddar, and they were only 2 bucks for 2. I went with 2 Pork Verde.
My first bite I found myself saying, “Wow that’s about the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten.” But I suddenly found myself compelled to finish it and then before I could bat an eye, I had snarfed down the second one. It had such a great spicy bite to it that I couldn’t help myself. If I hadn’t already been 2 miles down the road I would have returned and gotten more. These things were awesome. I stopped at 2 other convenience stores that were on my way home and they didn’t have any.
I could think of little else the rest of the evening. My wife came up to me “Jim I’m pregnant.” “That’s nice dear, do we have any Tornados”. My 10 year old son came up to me “I got expelled from school today.” “That’s nice son, do you have any Tornados”. My 17 year old son came up to me and slapped me across the face “Dad have some self respect for heaven’s sake. You sicken and disgust me.” “That’s nice son, do you have any Tornados”.
Sleep was a burden but when it finally came I dreamt of … Tornados, all the next day at work I thought about … Tornados. Finally the time came and I found myself passing the same convenience store on my way home. I bought 6 Tornados. On a side note, the same Chorizo was there and even more withered, and the other thing was even plumper and more bulbous and I was actually somewhat curious, but I digress. 20 minutes later I had 2 Pork Verde, 2 Cheese and Pepperoni and 2 Ranchero Steak and Cheese Tornados in my gullet. HOLY CRAP they are so good.
It took 3 whole days for me to realize that the same convenience store was not just on my way home from work but was also on my way to work. Do you know what they serve at this convenience store at 6:30 in the morning? BREAKFAST TORNADOS!!!! French Toast and Sausage, Bacon Egg and Cheese, Apple Cinnamon, and the options went on and on.
By day 4 I realized I had to find out who made them. The evening staff would not budge on the store policy of not saying, but the slightly baked night clerk named “Crick” that greeted me each morning was more than happy to tell me that they used El Monterey brand Tornados. Now with that knowledge in my head I have found that they are plentiful for purchase on-line and at your local grocer. Now I just need to convince the wife that we absolutely need one of those rolling grillers in our kitchen!
Do I have to say it? I guess we should make it official. El Monterey Tornados are a Certified ReviewSpew All-Star!!! Get you some at your earliest convenience. You will NOT regret it. I guarantee it!
Monday, September 26, 2011 JustJim