Mayonnaise Review

I don’t know the actual origins of mayo but can venture a guess and certainly pass it off as fact. In the early 1900’s the malnourished people of the plains worked on additives and condiments that were made from available materials. The purpose was to add both calories and flavor to their otherwise tasteless and less–than-nutritious gruel. They had chickens, they had a cow for milking, and they had oil for cooking, and that was pretty much it. One day, Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard to get her 16 kids a PB&J and to her dismay they had nothing but bread, oil, and an egg. Being the inventive type, she whipped up a quart of oil and a raw egg and voila, creamy spread for their empty bread. Since they were starving, this was quite a little treat. Hence, Mayo was born.

Now let’s flash forward a hundred years. 90% of Americans have more blubber than Shamu, and tasty food is as abundant as air. So why does this disgraceful goo still exist? Some may say that it adds moisture to an otherwise dry sandwich. I say nay, nay. Have a veggie, you carb loading, double meat maniac. It might actually help you pass that half pound of cheese you smashed between the bread. Some may say it adds flavor. I say nay, nay. Does gelatinous, greasy muck sound good to you? Puss is a certain color and consistency for a reason…to ease your body’s ability to purge it from its system. Why are you fighting nature by shoveling it back in your gullet?

Enough said on the subject, I think any reasonable person would agree that mayo is an abomination before God and man and should be purged from the earth in a wake of fire. Even Miracle Whip, the zesty half brother of this filth tells people in their commercials that “It isn’t for everyone”. Well they are close, it isn’t really for anyone.

Now I get to my most recent run-in with this garbage and further fuel for my mayo-hating fire. I was in Quizno’s yesterday and ordered their steak sandwich. As they started to build it, I was looking around, trying to find the chips with the most salt and fat, thinking that the like Subway, I would be asked about my condiments and veggies after they warmed up the sub, at the end of the assembly line. I was wrong.  Dead wrong. To my dismay, they pre-mayo'd, dumped on the meat and cheese, and put it in the warmer before I could say “no mayo, please”. I was panicked, but it was time to pay, and technically, I was the one that missed telling them to hold the filth from my bread, so I figured I would just wipe it off at the table and choke through it. Once they handed me my sandwich, I went to my table and pulled open the bun to assess the damage. To say that my meat and bun were saturated would be the understatement of the decade. My sandwich was pulverized by a mayo bomb that was no less than a quarter of a cup in magnitude. It permeated everything and encapsulated my toppings in a gooey film in a way that couldn’t be fixed with a dozen napkins. I sat for about 30 sec., my buddy watching my rage build, when I finally snapped. I balled up the sandwich and wrapper in a rage and slam dunked it into the trash can next to me. I then got back in line and ordered another sandwich. When I got ready to pay, the lady said, “did you just throw the other sandwich away”? I said “yes”, she said “well we could just remake it for you”. I tried to be polite and told her it was my fault because I didn’t catch them in time. She said “OK”, and then took my 2nd $6. I sat down and chewed my food, red faced and pouting. My buddy was choking back the laughter when the lady brought out the equivalent of a 50 cent off coupon and said “Next time you are in, save yourself some money.” I shook my head, and walked out leaving the coupon on the counter.

So here is my question, If you are one of the freaks of the world that enjoys a mouth full of grease to help the lard slide down your throat, do you really want it heated in an oven too? Who in the hell likes hot mayo and who likes it so much that they would put a quarter of a cup of it on their sandwich? I blame myself for not watching them closely, but I blame them for having this crap, in abundance, as a standard ingredient. I also blame them for not just making me another sandwich and for the ridiculous attempt to remedy the situation with a useless coupon. But I digress, this is a review of mayo, not Quiznos. Either way, they both suck and I would give them negative stars if I could. I reject the notion that this is just a matter of personal taste, mayo is disgusting and I am tired of watching 400 pounders wiping it off their chins. Take a stand with me people…let’s abolish this glop!


Anonymous said...

Though I laughed...and ralphed a little...I am still not convinced.

And on a cold winters night when many a skinny malnurished child will freeze to death...I'll just snuggle in to my 400 pound blubber cave, and see if I left a mayo sandwich there as a snack for later!

Great review!

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