Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides review

Johnny Depp what happened to you? At what point did you decide to become European? I'm pretty sure you were born here in America. Either that or you had a great accent in 21 Jump Street and Edward Scissorhands. I'm worried that if I checked your IMDB page it would say that you were born in Monaco or Berlin. To be honest I think we can all pinpoint the moment when your voice and demeanor completely changed. It all started with the first Pirates film. And I don't blame you, that was a great movie and you played a great iconic character.

But something happened after the director said "cut" on that movie. It's almost like you didn't hear him and carried your drunken pirate character into Secret Window, Sweeney Todd, and the Tourist. And so it goes, Hollywood and their love of money have decided to give you free rein on movie sets and make a total of 4 pirates movies. Johnny, can I call you Johnny? It's time to turn in the gold teeth and mysterious compass back to the prop department.

The latest movie, On Stranger Tides, is all about finding the Fountain of Youth. Everyone is apparently looking for it: The Spaniards, English, Barbossa, Sparrow, Penelope Cruz, and Blackbeard (played by Ian Mcshane of deadwood fame). Yep, that's it, that's all you need to know about the plot. Sure there is something about mermaid's tears and a missionary, but to go into that would add more detail than the actual movie did.

The biggest problem with the movie is that Jack Sparrow is the lead character. Don't be fooled, he was never the lead in the previous films. As an audience we followed Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, and Sparrow was the character who stole the show but was morally ambivalent. But to have Sparrow be the heart of the story makes it shallow. Also there is no sense of peril. Sparrow might as well be a superhero as he is able to evade any fatal threat.

This was a boring movie. The entire audience was bored and tried to force laughter when Jack was being his 'usual self.' I really didn't like Pirates 2 or 3. The plots were ridiculous and convoluted. This film had a linear plot and no supernatural crabs but it is still my least favorite Pirates movie.

Curse of the Black Pearl - Keira Knightley / anything memorable = On Stranger Tides

But of course there will be a Pirates 5. This movie gets one star.


Matt said...

I was fully ready to spend my hard-earned money this weekend to watch this with my wife--are you saying that this is a bad idea? (taking into account that you are far left of movie elitism)

Kenny D said...

It's a movie and I just like the experience of going to movies, and you two won't hate the experience. You'll just be a little bored. I was a little harsh, but there just weren't many positives.

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