Wow, times have changed. 15 to 20 years ago I measured my manliness with the universal question every aspiring high school meat-head asks “whatcha bench?” The answer to this little question pretty much defined your place in the world and your status among men, as far as I was concerned. That being said, please don’t assume I was a heavy hitter. My max bench as a lad was 225lbs, but with my meager frame, I considered it a metric ton and owned it like a king.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011 MeatWad
Over the years, my associates have changed. No longer do I spend my days with Everlast wearing, mullet clad, monsters. Now I live among the those socially inept brainiacs that spent the majority of their college careers in Unix labs and solving multi-variable calculus equations. Needless to say, they don’t bench. To them, bench work is a description of a PC tear down for a hardware upgrade. Hence, our manner of mockery and trash talking is a little different than it used to be. Our manly measuring stick has moved out of the bathroom and into the office, where terabytes rule and the number of cores you sport are the essence of your bragging rights.
Now you may understand my excitement when I discovered last Friday that CableOne has made 50 Mb internet available at my home. I didn’t walk, I ran down and signed up. This was particularly amazing to me as I live in a run down piece of no-man’s land where Qwest still only supports 1.5Meg DSL service. I had that service for years until 2 months ago when I couldn’t take it any longer. I switched to 10 meg service with Cableone, and was tickled with the upgrade, I’m ecstatic with where I’m sitting now. I’ve been the butt of more snail mail jokes than I can express, but those days are long gone baby.
The service itself has been fantastic so far. Speed tests come in right at 50 Meg down and sit at about 2.5 meg up. My Netflix streaming looks great and comes in HD. If I admitted to streaming internet porn, I could offer a rating of how that experience changed. Since I don’t (admit it) I’ll just say that you could probably get 5-10 vids going simultaneously. Your sick granny fetish has never streamed so fast or with such vivid resolution.
I already had a Docsis3 modem, so I didn’t need an upgrade there, so I’m just tickled all the way around. The cream on top is the fact that because I signed a one year contract, I’m actually saving $8 a month from what I was paying for 10 Meg service. There is a 50 gig download limit per month so that might be an issue for some. I actually go outside on occasion so it isn’t an issue for me. Also, there isn’t any throttling like the olden days of cable, so you indeed get the speed you pay for.
Like I said, the actual service is great, but the bragging rights are worth way more to me than the actual bandwidth. After switching I have been to virtually every cube in my work area laughing, mocking, and teasing everyone else for their painfully slow connections. Yeah, I’m an uber geek, but when you are “Rollin’ fitty” like I am, you gotta talk a little trash. I haven’t been on top of the technology totem for many years and this feels great.
I ask guys that have 40 Meg service if they need me to download something for them and bring it in on disk. I ask the guys with 7-10 Meg service if maybe Obama has a subsidy program for the less fortunate like themselves. Then, for those poor bastards that pull a meager 3 Meg..well let’s just say that making fun of them is like making fun of the mentally handicap, you just shouldn’t do it. Somebody’s got a brother, sister, or family member with the same problem and you going to hit a nerve. It’s just not safe for the workplace.
Fitty Meg rocks. Fitty Meg rules. Fitty Meg came to me like a shining star on a black as pitch night. I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good. I just may get some vanity plates that say “50MEG” for my ’05 Hyundai...... ‘cause Fitty Meg is how I roll. Deal with it.