Vaseline Men Fast Lotion Review

As a man...who is reviewing lotion...I will desparately try to steer clear of the most obvious line of humor on this subject, although I give no promises.


I am a fancy lad.  I enjoy hot baths, spendy hair care products, and most of all--lotion.  I'm not going to lie.  Hand lotion is a must-have for my dainty hands.

I also have a dire fear of contracting any and all viruses that come near my "personal space."  This causes me to wash my hands roughly 27 times per day.  The result of this is a leprosy-like dry skin phenomenon.  I can play bloody knuckles without a partner...i just form a fist.

The only relief from my digit scrubbing is lotion.  I've rated "rubbing in hand lotion after hand washing" in my "top 10 best things in the world," right below "wearing new socks" and just above "sleeping in freshly made sheets after a hot shower".  (I told you I was fancy lad-esque)

I've sampled the gamut of lotion throughout my life. (resisting the joke....so hard to resist)  Eucerin, Vaseline, Aloe, store brand, etc.  Some are good...some are bad.  Generally, I use whatever the wife has purchased. (And as her skin is silky smooth, I follow suit)

Recently, my brother-in-law was using a lotion that carried with it something more than the promise of healthy pores and a sheer glow.  It was a very pleasant man-scent.
I've generally been used to hints of lavender, lilac, or other plant that starts with L in my lotion.  It never struck me to get lotion that smells like "hot fireman" or "guy on the cover of Mens health."  After body wash, deodorant, and cologne, I would have thought that the musky scent potpourri would be overpowering.

In my attempts to appeal to my wife in any way possible, I purchased Vaseline lotion for Men. (Fast drying formula)  It smelled good on the shelf, and so I bought the "larger than life" size. (more resistance....leave the joke alone...)

I graded this lotion on 3 major categories:

Soothing--It works just as good as any Vaseline lotion.  No complaints here.
Oily--The lotion works into the skin well, and doesn't leave an oily residue.
Smell--At first, the smell is fairly pleasant.  If I had to describe it, I would call it "Josh Duhamel on a motorbike."  Unfortunately, this Duhamel-high only lasts about 5 seconds, as this lotion makes a sharp turn to rankness and depravity.  The scent morphs into an alcohol-like aroma mixed with latex gloves.  It is not only off-putting, but nauseating to the sinuses.  One might want to impress a woman with this scent, only to have her thinking of a colonoscopy.

I cannot overstate how disgusting this "after-scent" is.  I will no longer use this lotion.  It smells too terrible.  Bring on the hibiscus leaves and crushed apricot.  I relish the opportunity to go back to my fancy boy roots.  Musky man just doesn't suit me.

0 stinky stars out of 5.  I will forever regret this purchase as the smell reminds me of receiving the jelly finger.  The only reason to purchase this lotion is if you want to eternally associate this horrible smell with a bad "habit" that you are trying to break.