Whereas I'm not a big coffee drinker, I solicited help from the most jittery guy I know, my buddy Josh, for the following guest review. -Meatwad
As a man that consumes more coffee than a long haul truck team, I'm always willing to try new products that fill my body with oh so sweet caffeinated goodness! I'm not going to lie, most of them suck and taste like the insides of my grandma’s shoe. Do I still consume them? You bet your caffeine loving butt I do! So, when I heard that that the people at Caffex had merged the DNA of a marshmallow with the genomes of an espresso, I hopped on it like a fat kid on a cupcake!
Right out of the gate, I can't say I was overly impressed with the main label on the package. A picture of lips doesn't entirely tickle my fancy, unless I'm in an adult shop. I personally would have went with a coffee bean sticking out of a marshmallow, or maybe a marshmallow with a mean old gangsta coffee bean face. (Caffex, if you use any of these, you owe me a lifetime supply of these babies!) But like my daddy always said, “You can't judge a caffeinated Mallow by it's not so appeasing lip packaging.” So since it was just after lunch I grabbed what I believed to be the most potent one, the Java Mallow, and ripped it open like the incredible hulk!
The overall smell was quite gratifying, tickling my senses with the sweet smell of coffee beans and chocolate syrup. As I bit into it, the texture reminded me a lot of Yoplait Whips, Chocolate Mousse Style Yogurt (Insert advertising revenue here). At this point I'm suppose to give you some meticulous description of the taste, so here I go (pause for affect). It tastes like a coffee marshmallow, spot on! Wish I had something better for you, but I don't. If you like the taste of coffee, which I do, then you're going to enjoy this. If you're one of those people that have more flavoring in your coffee than coffee, probably not so much. If you're someone that doesn't like coffee all together, you probably shouldn't buy a product that has the term “Coffee” or “Espresso” in the title, just saying. If you're asking yourself, was the third question really necessary? Let me ask you a question, do we really need the warning label, “for indoor or outdoor use only” on Christmas lights? The answer, sadly, is yes, yes we do (bang head on desk).
So now on to what I feel is the most important question. Do these little buggers actually work? I can actually say, within about five minutes of eating the mallow of madness, I was feeling pretty good. The extreme high lasted about an hour and I was pretty alert for about three hours afterward. Again, I tend to drink an extreme amount of coffee, so results may vary, use a directed. Overall, I would have to say the effectiveness of the Java Mellow was very positive. One, I don't have to drink it, and two, it and doesn't taste like an old shoe. Minus the package, its gets a positive review in my book.
As a person that likes to camp, there was one last test that these Mallows needed to pass before I would give it my overall Review Spew Stamp of Approval. Yes my friends, I'm talking about the camp fire marshmallow test. However, since I'm too lazy to go to the woods, I did what every good American does. I grabbed a lawn chair, started a fire in my back yard, and found my favorite roasting stick. I sat there for about five minutes waiting for this baby to burst into flames, but to my surprise it only got crispier and crispier. Which kind of threw a wrench in my normal recipe of, catch on fire, wait thirty seconds, blow out frantically, eat quickly while scolding inside of mouth.
Personally, I know I'm not the only idiot roasting these things; it would have been nice to know they were flame retardant. I guess if your friends catch on fire while camping, you could always pelt them with these babies instead of peeing on them. Thanks, Caffex, for making the world a safer place! Besides looking like a very well done burger, it tasted pretty good. The outside was nice and crunchy while the middle was still gooey. Besides being slightly overdone, I think these would make a fine addition to my camping/back yard experience. Thanks Caffex!