Top Review Spew Reviews for 2010!

If you are going to waste 3 minutes of your day at this site, please give these links a read.  They are the "best of the best" for the year 2010.

Major Undeclared gives out a 5-star rating on roughly 76% of his reviews.  Read about one of his concert experiences that didn't end with him lying in a kennel with pantyhose on his head.  This review truly deserves a 5 star rating.
Click here to read this hilarious review.

Just Jim likes him some fast food...just not in this review.  If you are not familiar with the word Dank....you need to click the link below for his review.  Really funny.
Click to read the review on Carl's Jr Philly cheesteak burger.

The next review is from Meatwad, and is really unbelievable.  His recent trip into Walmart had an ending which I cannot describe.  You need to read it to believe it.
Click to discover awesomeness beyond description here.

A top review on pens?  Yup, except this is no ordinary pen.  This is the Jack Bauer of pens.  All kneel in its presence.
Click here to find out why this pen is so amazing.

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Top Ten Films of 2010

I've made mistakes in the past. Turns out I'm not infallible. Last year I put Avatar as #10 in my movie list for last year. I was coming off of a 3D high that would soon fade. I can't even defend that choice and regret even putting it into my list. So this year I have put a lot of thought (too much thought) into my top 10 list. Each of these movies should be seen. I happen to believe that my opinion is the most valid out there (otherwise it wouldn't be MY opinion). There were some real disappointments this year (Iron Man 2, Easy A) and it wasn't the greatest year in movies but there are definitely some new classics. We begin with...

10. Exit Through The Gift Shop
To keep up appearances I usually put at least one documentary in my list. In "Gift Shop" we follow several graffiti artists throughout the world. You eventually meet the elusive "Banksy." (apparently THE name in street art) He turns the camera on the strange man behind the camera as the filmmaker tries to become a legitimate street artist. Like most great documentaries it becomes stressful and depressing and shows just how shallow the art consumer world is.

9. The Town
I've never liked Ben Affleck. He is still the arrogant boyfriend from "Mallrats" to me. Well it seems the guy has some talent. No, I still don't think he's a great actor, but the guy can direct. The Town is his second effort, after the surprisingly fantastic "Gone Baby Gone." This movie is tense and never completely delves into the cliches you'd expect from most robber-makes-good movies. There are many great performances here. I'm excited for Affleck's next directorial (not acting) role.

8. True Grit
I might be the only movie elitist who doesn't go gaga for the Coen brothers. They make some good movies, but I'd say they have more misses than hits. Thankfully True Grit delivers. The dialogue is sharp and often funny. The characters have great chemistry and 14 year old first-time actress Hailee Steinfeld carries the movie. The movie does suffer from not ending ten minutes earlier than it does (Return of the King syndrome). If the ending was more effective this movie would have ranked higher. But seriously, how often do you get a chance to see a new Western, especially a good one?

7. The Social Network
The movie of our generation? Not quite. I think I let all the hype surrounding this movie get in the way of my movie-going experience. It was fun to watch and featured some great acting (even by Justin Timberlake....shudder) but there was just not much to the movie. It was basically a movie about a class-action lawsuit. This movie, unlike True Grit, has a perfect ending. Good, just not great.

6. Let Me In
For all those people who liked vampire movies before they were ruined by shiny daywalkers. A remake of a 2008 Swedish vampire movie. I've seen both and even though I was protesting that they do a remake for American audiences, I was very happy with the result. It is so incredibly similar to the original that some may think it unnecessary, but I feel it improves on many aspects. It is definitely less European (see also: weird sexual stuff), and I actually felt more of a romantic bond between the two kids in the movie. I know that sounded weird and European, but just watch it.

5. Black Swan
I never expected to put this movie into my top ten. I thought it would be one of those "art for art sake" movies that people just shouldn't understand. And it's true, this movie blends psycho-fantasy moments with reality that it is really hard to tell which is really happening, but it takes you along the journey of Nina (Natalie Portman) as she loses sanity and joins the dark side in preparation for her lead in Swan Lake. Not a movie for everyone but if you want an effective movie to jack with your brain for 2 hours, this is a good choice.

4. Kick-Ass
In a year where there weren't any good comedies, Kick-Ass easily took the crown for the most guffaws. This was the perfect theater movie because no one in the audience could remain silent (whether it was disgust or hilarity) when Hit Girl would say a number of unmentionable profanities. On further viewings I've been able to appreciate the movie for its action scenes and awkwardness of the main character. Maybe this is just a guilty pleasure because I too have always wanted to put on a scuba suit and fight crime. The past 2 years have been kind to "cuss word" movies: Inglourious Basterds, Drag Me to Hell, and now Kick-Ass. Can't wait to see what comes next.

3. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
This is director Edgar Wright's first American movie. He previously directed 2 of my favorite movies: Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. I was a little wary of Michael Cera's casting due to overexposure and type-casting but I was not disappointed by the final product. This movie really is like an visual energy drink that doesn't let up for an hour and a half. The plot is ridiculous as Scott meets his dream girl but has to defeat her 7 evil exes in order to be with her. After watching this, my wife told me that it's a boy movie. I agree it may not be for everyone but for any of us that have the contra code memorized or smile every time you hear the mario theme, this is your movie. Embrace it.

2. Shutter Island
Was my favorite film of the year for a long time. The Departed changed how I felt about Leonardo Dicaprio's acting ability, this movie solidified it. I'm a sucker for Hitchcock films and this is the closest modern thing that feels anywhere close to those films. I advise people not to just predict the twist and say "That was obvious, I knew that would happen!" (to be said in the moron voice). Just sit back and enjoy the ride and feel the anxiety. I know that I love a movie when I am emotionally invested. This movie, along with Black Swan, made me stressed and uneasy nearly the entire time. Now that's escapism. And don't forget the last line of the movie. Fantastic stuff!

1. Inception
No surprise here. Christopher Nolan is consistently hitting them out of the park. The entire cast was phenomenal. That hallway scene! The spinning top! The crazy wife! There are so many things to love. I really enjoy watching this movie with people who haven't seen it every time I watch it. I don't know anyone who hasn't loved it. I never would have thought Nolan could have topped Dark Knight but I believe Inception has. Now I am excited for the next Batman movie under his direction and writing. Thank you Warner Brothers for not getting in the way of a great screenplay and letting us enjoy a smart movie released in the middle of a mediocre popcorn summer.
And didn't you just love the soundtrack? This was a fantastic year for movie scores: Inception, Shutter Island, Scott Pilgrim, Black Swan, Social Network, Tron Legacy to name a few. If you haven't seen this movie yet, quit short-changing yourself and let it take you on its dream journey. I wish I saw that bloody top for a few more seconds...

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Mileage App for Android Review

My current job requires me to analyze copious amounts of data, compare it with other data, and generate new data.  It's like an orgy of numbers without the happy ending.

I've had the tendency to keep track of mundane things throughout my entire life.  I used to record songs off the radio onto tape, and then make notebooks with the song, artist, length of song, and my rating of the song.  Howard Jones and Duran Duran always scored highly.

I've tracked things that nobody would or should care about.  In my youth, I received one of those "over the door" mini basketball hoops for my bedroom.  While listening to my superbly organized music, I would play my own quasi-games against myself in my room.  I would routinely dunk it over Magic, steal it from Bird, and get fouled by Barkley.  If this wasn't bad enough, I used to track my stats.

I can repeat this for those that don't understand the complete absurdity of the situation.

I played fake basketball games with a nerf ball in my bedroom against pretend players.  I routinely tracked points, assists, rebounds, and fouls per game.  Yes...there was a complete season.  This is one of the by-products of not hitting puberty until 9th grade. (the end...of 9th grade)

I had a friend who stooped lower than this.  In his teen years, he used to keep a "shitter chart" on the bathroom door.  He'd track the time it took him to complete his business.  I believe his record was somewhere in the 38 second range.  I assumed wiping was not high on his list.

While wading through the cesspool that is the Android app marketplace, I ran across a little gem of an App called Mileage. (By Evan Charlton)  As I refuse to pay for any app, this was the highest rated gas mileage app on the marketplace.

I wasn't interested in something that tells me when to flush my radiator, change my oil, or brush my teeth.  I just wanted to enter info about my gasoline fill-ups, and look at the magic graphs that are generated.
This app tracks every basic item you'd really want.  Mileage, price per gallon, fuel economy, distance between fill-ups, etc.  It might be nice to have an automatic location detector which tracks the gas station where you filled up, but not necessary.

This review has really sparked some ideas to make a little cash on the side.  I have apps planned which will track the following: 
Number of times Joel Mchale takes off his shirt in Community.
The level of queasiness when I see any picture of Amy Winehouse. (on a scale of one to "is that a man?")
An app that would calculate other things I could purchase instead of one U2 concert ticket. (feed 23 children for a week, yearly subscription to Netflix, 11 copies of U2's last crappy album, etc)
Another app would calculate how many attempts it took to me to beat level 12 in the 3rd page of the Angry Birds.  (Grrr)

If you have any interest in knowing your fuel economy for the past 3 years while sitting on the John with your phone, by all means download this app immediately.  While you're at it, you can download my new app that tracks the time playing Angry Birds on your phone while sitting on the John.
Mileage charts its way to a 4-star rating.

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LOL Usage Review

In general people are not very amusing and it has been almost 3 years since I have lived next to a buddy that could actually make me belly laugh. Not everyone in the world is a comedian, and that is ok, but they should also not be falsely encouraged when throwing out their horrible quips. The encouragement of which I am speaking comes in the form of constant endorsement via texting…namely, the overuse of LOL.

The problem with texting is that hyperbole is built in, it is part of its very essence. When is the last time you have actually ROFL let alone ROFLMAO. These are ridiculous statements, but now necessary because of over-LOL’ing and still having the need to convey the fact that you are slightly more amused than before. I don’t like where this is going and I am proposing the taking back of LOL. (ROFL is reserved for special occasions and ROFLMAO shall only be used when mentioning Tosh.O.)

I get LOL’s texted back to me continually and really, only 80% of these responses actually carry any merit. I can make any stupid comment via text and will inevitably get a LOL back. Enough of this. I am hilarious most of the time and would like my proper due credit. Your Willy-Nilly LOL’s that you hand out like Sweet_Tarts on Halloween mean nothing to me and are, quite frankly, a little insulting.

Here are some examples of what I am talking about:

Me: Hey, I worked out this morning and my leg feels like it has been hit with a baseball bat.

You: LOL, I hear ya bro.

Huh? “LOL, I hear ya bro”? That wasn’t funny, in the slightest. My leg really hurts, and I don’t appreciate you laughing out loud prior to offering some empathy? Like you can really relate anyhow, how long has been since you have even walked into a gym?…I digress, sorry.

Me: McDonald’s tastes like ass, I don’t know why I come here.

You: I hate that place, LOL.

Umm…again, not really a funny statement but ok, maybe my comparison is a little colorful and you hadn’t really thought of how the taste of a Big Mac is so very similar to the taste of fecal remnants taken straight from the source. Still, this is not a LOL situation. A “hehe” or “ha” will suffice, and is appropriate. Actually, the more concerning part of this response is the “I hate that place” because I happen to know that isn’t true. I know this for two reasons. Last time I was in your car, you had no less than 3 leftover Biggie cups and at least 14 crumpled drive-through bags piled on the floor behind your seat. Also, you weigh 420lbs, (best guess without a truck stop scale) and that doesn’t happen to people that hate McDonalds. Maybe you should quit being such a liar and think about why you are trying so hard to agree with people. I would start with a good look in the mirror.

Me: Honey, I gotta get up in the morning and do some cardio. My ass looks like Ricotta cheese in a plastic bag.

Wife: LOL, that’s not true, you still look great to me.

Ok, that is funny. Maybe even LOL worthy. Sure I stole it from The Jerky Boys in 1994, but who remembers The Jerky Boys? For that matter, who remembers 1994? So I will take credit and yes, my wife is lying that I still look great to her, but she has to, says so in the contract.

So, for the sake of ease, let’s take back LOL and use it as God intended, for those of us with an original thought, or a really good memory. The overuse causes an evolution of Acronyms of which I can’t keep up. If we don’t stop now, next week it will be JSMOOMNBYASDF “Just Shot Milk Out Of My Nose Because You Are So Damn Funny” and that is way too many letters. Fix the problem, quit letting unfunny people think they are funnier than they are, and….do a sit-up once in a while.

I give current LOL usage 1-star. LOL.

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Heavy Rain review

As we approach the end of 2010, video game critics are going to list their best games of 2010. One game that will surely be on several of those lists is the PS3 game Heavy Rain. Please don't confuse this game with the terrible Christian Slater movie, Hard Rain.

Heavy Rain was released earlier this year in February, though I didn't pick it up till just recently. I had heard plenty of hype about it, mostly about the graphics, but I didn't bite because I was playing more action oriented games(Uncharted, Killzone, etc). Since picking it up, I haven't regretted it at all and would recommend it to any PS3 gamer who uses at least 8% of their brain.

Heavy Rain's story could easily be the plot of a great serial killer thriller. (That's just fun to say) As the player you follow four main characters. Ethan Mars is a broken divorced dad whose son is taken by the mysterious Origami Killer. He is racing the clock as the Origami Killer leaves him clues to find his son before he drowns. You also play as a female journalist who wants to get famous writing about the Origami Killer case. Another character is an old private detective investigating former victims' families of the killer. And last is a FBI agent looking to embarrass the local police by personally solving the case.

Yes, we've all seen plots like this in movies like Seven, Zodiac, etc but everything about this game seems completely original. The reason behind that is that you, as a player, decide everything. Yes, I'm saying everything. It really is like no other game I've ever played. In any other game if you get shot or fall off a cliff, you just respawn at your previous save point and continue forward. In Heavy Rain, if you don't fight back and get sliced by the sadistic Russian doctor, your character dies. For good. Yes there are ways to keep all 4 characters alive until the end of the game, but if you aren't quick enough with the controls, someone will die which greatly affects the ending.

The controls for this game are like no other. It took me a solid hour of playing to get used to the control scheme, but once you finally get the hang of it the game really ramps up the action. There were a few times that I was using every single finger (thumbs included) on some part of the controller to complete a task. Normally I like to just lay back and relax when I play games (part of the reason I was never taken with the wii) but even when a cut-scene happens in Heavy Rain you can't relax for a second because your character will suddenly be in peril and only your trusty button combination can save them.

Have I geeked out enough in this review? Good because it will continue.

As a child/man-child I used to indulge in "choose your own adventure" books. I loved being in control of the story(which usually consisted of being chased by giant ants and/or an ancient blood-thirsty tribe). I have always been surprised that movies have never capitalized on this idea. How easy would it be to give the viewer two options at a pivotal moment and use their remote to decide what happens next.

Heavy Rain is the first of its kind to give you this experience. A few more examples of the control you have range from opening the fridge and deciding what to snack on, to asking a "perp" the right questions to find a lead. When a scene gets tense your character definitely feels it and the choices of what to do/say get start shaking across the screen and you really feel the stress of the situation. Most of the choices are linked to buttons on the control pad: X, O, Triangle, Square. At one point in the game I was grilling a suspect and meant to push the button to get in his face, I accidentally chose the button to shoot him. And the guy died. (Funny how that usually happens after a gun shot) At another point I was the dad following the Origami Killer's sick game to find my son. One of the tasks he told me to do was to kill some random stranger to save my son. Once I found the guy I was supposed to kill, the game gave me the option to kill him or walk away. I really felt like I was there, in that situation, so I didn't kill the guy. It's funny how I can play a game like Black Ops and kill thousands, but when a game personalizes the murder I can't quite bring myself to it. Ah, the ethical dilemmas that video games bring to my life...

What I'm basically saying and re-saying is that this is a one-of-a-kind experience that doesn't let up and fully immerses you in its twisted world.

The best part of the game is talking to others who have played it and finding out which ending they earned. There are 27 endings in total, some good, some ok, some awful.

Heavy Rain on the PS3 receives a solid 5 star rating because I am a sucker for choosing my own adventure.(If you would like to comment on this review, please comment to the side of the page. If you would like to jump in the river to escape the giant ants, please turn to page 53.)

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Peanut Butter Snickers Candy Bar Review

Why is it that when I want to enjoy the delicious taste of a candy bar, I feel like an alcoholic stealing sips from a hidden bottle of Jim Beam hidden in the basement?  It didn't used to be this way.  As a child, candy was worth more than gold.  Every kid bragged about how much candy they got at Halloween or Easter.  As my waistline and public sentiment towards unhealthy foods grow, candy has become my secret sin.

I garner looks of dismay and shame when I suggest buying a candy bar on an afternoon coffee run.  The looks of pity and disgust over their Chai tea makes me feel dirty and self-loathing.

Now if I want an afternoon treat at work, I run down to the candy machine like a rogue KGB agent, and sneak up a candy bar in my pocket.  I get to my desk and hunch around the treat while quietly opening the wrapper.  I scarf down the goody and wipe off any crumbs that will give me away.  Who are they to judge? (To be honest, there is plenty to judge.  My resting heart rate exceeds any US speed limit, and if I wore a wig, you would think me 6 months pregnant)

Because of this, I have become a closet candy bar consumer.  I binge in secret...trying to satisfy the cravings from my chocolate sabbatical that I portray in public.  I'm convinced that if eating a candy bar weren't taboo, I would be able to handle my habit more successfully.  Start throwing in a candy bar with a Subway combo meal.  Serve them as stirring spoons for coffee.  Let's get rid of the social prohibition that drives me to partake in secret.

(Un?) Fortunately, Snickers has released the candy bar equivalent of 36 year old Scotch.  The Peanut Butter Snickers. (On a side note...I think there was an unsuccessful attempt to release a peanut butter snickers a few years ago.  I believe it lasted slightly longer than Conan's Tonight Show gig.)

Since the shelving of Peanut Butter Twix many years ago, there hasn't been a truly satisfying peanut butter candy bar on the market. (side note 2...the new peanut butter Twix is NOT the same as its predecessor.  It's the loser son of an classic original...like Julian Lennon)

The Peanut Butter Snickers is a geometric-friendly square.  There are single serving grab bags, or a single package called Peanut Butter Snickers "Squared."  Basically...two squares in one package.  The peanut butter filling has replaced the regular Snickers nougat filling.  There is still peanuts, caramel, and chocolate in the candy bar.  On the surface, it appears to be a symbiotic concoction for the ages.  Unfortunately, it's like every U2 album for the last 10 years...disappointing.

Don't get me wrong, this is a very good candy bar.  It just doesn't stand out much from other offerings in the current confectionery marketplace.  The peanut butter taste is not as strong as I'd expect/desire.  If you are looking for a strong peanut butter taste, this probably won't satisfy your craving, and you should just grab a spoon and a jar of Jif.

Hopefully this candy bar will stick around.  I'd like to stick it in my portfolio of sweet surprises in my bottom work drawer.
I'll continue to ignore the snickers (haha) from any group of pretentious, waif-like health-nuts, as I know that they just came back from the restroom where they puked up their eggnog latte and strawberry danish.  I may not be able to count the number of my chins on one hand, but I'll continue eating my sugary treats anyway.

Peanut Butter Snickers barely squeaks into a 4-star rating.

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Stephens Peanut Butter Cup Hot Cocoa Review

It's unfortunate the hot cocoa has garnered such a poor reputation in the beverage community.  You know what I mean.  You're out to dinner with a group of business associates, and the server is getting a drink order.  You're most likely to hear someone order a beer, mixed drink, or coffee.
They have such cool names too--Heineken, 7 & 7, cappucino, etc.  Nobody wants to be the guy at the end of the table asking for hot cocoa.  You're sure to be asked if you want whip cream and sprinkles on top, and if you want crayons with your menu.
Even the name sounds bad...Hot cocoa.  I bet this conjures up images of visiting your Grandmother's house, or sipping a drink with your best friends after coming in from building a snow fort.

I'm semi-proud to say I love hot cocoa.  It's delicious.  I shouldn't have to be ashamed that I love it either.  Hot cocoa is kind of like the fat girl in the beverage caste system.  You're not going to go out with it to a club, the beach, or find it in a strip club, but it is fantastic to sit down on a soft couch with and watch Dancing with the Stars.

If you do have a sweet tooth for cocoa goodness, I'm sure you're familiar with Stephens Hot Cocoa.  As far as hot cocoas goes, this is the prettiest of the fat girl cocoas.  Stephen's cocoa has long been one of the best instant cocoas on the market.  It dissolves well in water, has great flavor, and is a smooth drink.
They have many great flavors in their arsenal including hot chocolate, chocolate mint truffle, and have tried to branch out with other options such as candy cane, white chocolate, and Italian amaretto cocoa to name a few.
But the one that really grabbed my attention is a fairly new flavor called Peanut Butter Cup cocoa.

Cocoa--check.
Peanut butter cups--check
Sitting on the couch watching Dancing with the Stars--check

When you open the sealed container, the smell is intoxicating.  I almost stuck my finger in the mix like a cocoa Lik-m-Aid it smelled so good.
The consistency is slightly different than other Stephen's mixes.  I found some of the peanut butter chocolate "lumps" would not quite dissolve properly being spoon stirred.  I suppose I could have used the cocoa-motion to mix it properly. (yes...I have a machine to mix my cocoa...don't judge me.)
This flavor is quite tasty, and has found a place in my regular rotation of cocoa drinking.  The peanut buttercup flavor is not too overpowering, and it is just as smooth as other flavors of Stephens I've tried.
At only 4 grams of fat per serving, you can satisfy your peanut buttercup craving without expanding the waistline too much.

I do have one complaint.  Stephens used to supply a small measuring cup in each can which would give a perfect amount of cocoa mix per cup.  Now I just grab a spoon and start throwing cocoa into my cup.  What happens if the chocolate is too watery?  You'll have to dirty another spoon to add more as you really don't wan't to stick a wet spoon into the cocoa mix. (scratch that--good idea as now you have a cocoa spoon Lik-m-Aid)

Stephens Peanut Butter Cup hot cocoa warmed its way into my heart with a 4-star rating.

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