40th Birthday Review

Today is my 40th birthday. This confirms that not only am I the most morbidly obese reviewer here at review-spew.com but I’m also the oldest. It seemed a fitting day to review turning 40.

To give this birthday a proper once-over it’s important to review a few memorable past birthdays.

My favorite birthday by far was my 17th. Ahh 1987. Reagan was president, the cold war was winding down and Cindy (one of the cutest girls in my high school) was showing great interest in yours truly. I was showered with gifts from friends and family. Multiple parties were thrown in my honor and I felt on top of the world. 23 years later I still get warm and fuzzy feelings remembering that day.

My 30th birthday was like getting hit with a truck. The worst part is I wasn’t prepared for it. People kept asking me, “What’s it like turning 30?” and I would naively reply, “It’s just another birthday”. Well it wasn’t. I don’t know why, but I woke up that day and it just struck me that I was no longer a kid and it didn’t make any sense because I could still vividly remember being 17 and on top of the world, so why wasn’t I still on top? No mind-tricks could help me cope, no happy places worked and I was hopelessly stuck with the cold hard facts that I was an adult now, and worst yet, that I would never be young again.

With the mental knock down I received on my 30th, I was fully prepared for my 40th birthday to be dramatic in some deep and fundamental way. There was still hope it would be good, right? Well no. Last week when I noticed how extremely hairy my knuckles were, I should have known turning 40 would suck big time.

If turning 30 is all about realizing that you are no longer young, then turning 40 is all about realizing that you are now old…and tired. Now if you’re 50 you’re laughing at me crying about being old, well don’t. I’m old, not ancient like you grandpa so shut up. See I can talk like that now because I’m old. I don’t care so much about what others think or say about me. To hell with them, I’m old. I’ve been there and done that so get out of my way. Looking at it that way, I guess it’s not all bad.

There are bad things that came with turning 40. Bad things would include the aforementioned hairy knuckles, which go along with the ever-balding scalp, the increasing joint pain and the more frequent trips to the toilet during the middle of the night. This brings me to the worse part about turning 40. When I was 17 I was rounding 2nd base in the back seat of my dad’s ’78 Ford LTD with Cindy, now I’m 40 and getting my first prostate exam.

You women who have been getting annual pap smears since you were 17 are probably thinking I should stop complaining. Well lady, sorry. That doesn’t give me any consolation, not to mention that the plumbing you’re having examined was meant to be both an “out” and an “in” door, mine is suppose to be an “out” door only.

Life is just not fair. See I think being on this earth for 40 years should be rewarded with a few innings with a cute woman in the backseat of a car. When you’re 17 is when some doctor should shove his cold, bony finger up your rump because you’re a cocky bastard and are in serious need of humbling, but no, life is not fair in fact it’s filled with deep and powerful irony.

Gifts to a 40 year old are different also. When I was 17 I got lots and lots of electronics and cool stuff. This year all I got was 2 towels and a free lunch at Denny’s. What the hell is that all about? I know you’re thinking “I thought you’ve been there and done that old man. What could you possibly want for your birthday?” And my only answer has to be that you’re right.

That’s part of being old too. I now have to more readily accept things. After 40 years of screaming about stuff you no longer hear your voice echoing back as you finally realize that nobody is listening. I have answered the age-old question and guess what…if a tree falls in the forest and there’s nobody around to hear it, it does not make a sound.

So in short, turning 40 sucks, but I’m old enough now to accept that and move on and for that reason I give it 4 stars. Just another one of those ironies I was talking about earlier.

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Subway's Chipotle Chicken and Cheese Flatbread Sandwich Review

I abhor lunchtime food decisions.  Luckily, I ran across a story online about the Subway dude Jared running the NYC marathon.  Taking this as a sign from the interwebs, I walked briskly to my car, and lazily (I was tired from the brisk walk) sat in the drive-through of the nearest Subway.  I fully had the intent of ordering one of their low-calorie lettuce-filled sandwiches, but the visual temptation of meats, sauces and cheese overcame my 3 minute desire to eat healthier.

It had been a while since my last 7 minute foray into healthy eating. (of which I went to Subway)  Apparently they have branched out from the tried and true solution of some type of meat, lettuce, lettuce flavored veggies, and one inch of mayo between a couple pieces of dry bread.  There were now breakfast sandwiches, and some new flatbread offerings.
My Jewish roots conspired with my enormous belly, and succeeded in tempting my brain to order the Chipotle Chicken and Cheese Flatbread sandwich.

The picture of the sandwich looked good.  A pita filled with "suspicious-looking too perfectly" cut chicken pieces, green peppers, cheese, and the "slightly behind the rage" chipotle sauce.  To hear Subway describe the sandwich is much more impressive---let's hear what they have to say.

What is it about bubbly cheese that makes everything taste so meltrageous? We may never know, but we do know that fiery grilled chicken, crisp green peppers and bubbly melted cheese topped with Chipotle southwest sauce on toasty flatbread is mighty meltastic.

Subway invented no fewer than 2 words in this description.  It really irks me when the fusion of 2 regular words are combined to create a new one.  This Frankenapproach really pisses me off.

Regardless of Subway's craptacular approach to diction, the sandwich looked delicious.  I quickly forked out my 8 dollars (holy crap) and told them not to water down the sandwich with their enormous amounts of vegelettuce.

I'll just get this out of the way right now--This is about as good as Subway can do on a sandwich.  Given their sub-par quality of meats, cheeses, and breads, this is pretty darn good.  The synergisticimeltification quality was quite high.

The chipotle sauce was slightly spicy, but wouldn't put off the average eater.  The girth and length of the sandwich was enough to make me slightly blush.  It's a full meal.  I could have used even a little more sauce on mine...but I like em' saucified.
What really makes this sandwich good, was created by my unleavened bread brothers from centuries past.  The pita bread is a nice touch on an already decent sandwich.  The entire experience was a cacophamelt of deliciousness.

I am actually looking forward to my next 11 minute health food kick so that I can get my meltification on.  Thank you Subway for a half-decent overpriced sandwich, and particularly for the ability to create at least 5 new words in this review.  The Chipotle Chicken and Cheese Flatbread sandwich gets a solid 4-star rating.  A 5-star rating might have been on the horizon had it not been for the douchimelt running the register, who forgot to put the points on my subway card. (honestly...I've spent hundreds of dollars there, and have only enough points for some apple bites and a cookie)

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Giveaway!! To Nourish and Consume by Ryan O'Reilly Book

Review Spew has an extra copy of the book just reviewed by Major Undeclared.  This copy of To Nourish and Consume by Ryan O'Reilly is brand new.  It has never been flagged because of use in the bathroom, although if you'd like a bathroom-hardy copy, we can surely accommodate.

To qualify for this book giveaway, you must reply to this post below or send an e-mail to reviewspew AT gmail DOT com.  Sometime this weekend, we will take all the entries, write them on a piece of paper, and let my 3 year old son eat them.  Whichever paper he does not eat, will be the recipient of this book.

You will know if you are the winner because we will e-mail you.  If you don't supply an e-mail, we will post the winner, waiting for your reply.  You will receive the book no later than 2 years after you supply your address.  Most likely it will be sooner, but we like to be safe in our estimates.

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To Nourish & Consume book review

I do my best to never judge a book by its cover. Though it gets a little difficult to not judge a book by its title. (Until I read it, I thought The DaVinci Code was all about getting extra lives in the video game, Contra) The title of Ryan O'Reilly's "To Nourish and Consume" threw me off. It could hold a vastly different meaning to different people. It could very well be the name of Rachel Ray's next book or a warning of what cannibals may do to you. Let's not kid ourselves, Rachel Ray may be one of the cannibals.

The title is actually taken from one of Shakespeare's sonnets and it implies that what nourishes us in youth, may actually consume (our thoughts, lives, etc) us later in life. This is the central theme of the novel. I ate a lot of gummi worms when I was younger and am terrified of their inevitable revenge.

The main character, Brian, is nearly 30 and moving back to his childhood home near Lake Michigan. He has been traveling the world for the past ten years trying to escape everything that he went through in his hometown previously. While growing up in a summer resort town, he befriended Dabney(you just know he's a d-bag with a name like that) and Jacqueline. They were the kids from the rich side of the lake who spent their summer vacations at Lake Michigan. As the years passed and the kids were passing the high school years, life starting getting very complicated. Brian started falling in love with Jacqueline and wanted to start planning for their engagement. Jacqueline was torn between nice guy Brian and rich guy Dabney. Dabney, the ill-tempered life of the party, knew he had both Jacqueline and Brian wrapped around his finger. Meanwhile Brian had some feelings for Dabney as well. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a love triangle.

Brian is a guy with a whole bunch of issues. He hasn't been able to get over how everything ended and has had commitment issues with every relationship he's been a part of since Jacqueline. He spends two-thirds of the book settling in and getting reacquainted with his family and friends but constantly whines internally about his old friends and hoping he doesn't run into his rich old pals. Brian starts a new relationship with a local girl and it is very promising for him, but like any female/fictional male character, he can't get rid of his baggage even when what he has in front of him is the better alternative.

We have all gone through situations of heartbreak and this novel seems like O'Reilly's way of seeking closure with an experience of his own. As many authors do, O'Reilly seems to put himself into the story. It feels very autobiographical. Both the main character and the author (Brian/Ryan) are new authors who have previously written travel books, both have traveled abroad, and have chosen to not follow their family's business. By doing this, O'Reilly is able to personalize Brian and make him feel sincere.

It may have been O'Reilly's intent but I never cared for Dabney and Jacqueline. I felt the story actually hit a brick wall when they entered. The relationship between Brian and his new girlfriend Alissa kept me interested and O'Reilly's dialogue is seamless and I felt good chemistry between them. The small fraction of the story describing Brian's intimate feelings to Dabney feels completely unnecessary and goes nowhere. Also, beyond the description of his depression about Jacqueline and a few flashbacks, there doesn't seem to be any huge reason that ruined Brian beyond repair. I could have really done with less predictability and would have liked the pleasant surprise of a twist or two thrown in.

The first third of Nourish and Consume left me scratching my head wondering what kind of guy has so many issues. He is a character that wouldn't seem out of place in a Jodi Piccoult book. The middle of the novel was a good read as he started his new relationship. It was never a task for me to pick up the book and continue on. If the book kept up that pace and had a good closing I would have given it high marks. Though, the final third lost me entirely. The payoff I was hoping for never happened. Even when there was a pivotal moment, it was only described second-hand by the characters later. It seemed an odd choice that O'Reilly didn't bring the reader in for the big turning point.

O'Reilly excels in his description of the environment. He has an affinity for making the reader feel like they are actually there, whether it's late spring at a tavern, or the fourth of July on the lakefront. He may not be my favorite fiction writer but I wouldn't mind seeing how his travel book "Snapshot" is.

So after feeling depressed about relationships that never worked out and feeling hope that you can go back home again, I was lost by the disappointing final third. As with Brian, I just didn't feel that I got closure. To Nourish and Consume by Ryan O'Reilly gets 2 stars.

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Tattoo Review

I admittedly am no one to speak on fashion trends or hipness. The very fact that I use the word “hipness” puts me in a whole separate category of lame all to my own. So when I see Justin Bieber with his stupid 70’s shag swept down over his face like an unkempt terrier, I can deal with it. He is young, his fans are too, they are trying to create their own style by stealing from the past, I get it. What I don’t get is this new trend for everyone and their granddaughter to get tattooed. Nobody seems to remember that these things are permanent. They don’t go away. Ever.

Now fellas, I expect this short sightedness and impulsiveness from you. You have been doing stupid things in the name of masculinity and bravado since the beginning of time. Thousands of you die every year trying to jump a fire pit or push your Trans Am past the 6500 RPM mark. If you cascade your attempts to impress and your evolutionary fate, you’re pretty much doomed. You try to mask your natural hideousness with things like baggy pants, steroid inflated pecs, and when all else fails, permanent marker. Ok, you weren’t given much to work with from the man upstairs. Packing the disgustingness that is a scrote gives you a pass on at least one of the for mentioned mistakes. But ladies, ladies..what are you thinking? I see gorgeous shoulders draped in stupid Celtic symbols that mean nothing to you because you are Jewish. Slender napes of neck strangled with blue-green ivy and reptile scales, yet you don’t work for Barnum or Bailey. Smooth upper backs drowned in Chinese calligraphy that you wouldn’t recognize if it was in a book in front of you. (It does appear backward in the mirror you know). I don’t get it, at all.

So here are a few guidelines that should be implemented, as I see it, if we want to prevent a little regret in people’s lives. I prefer not wearing my regrets in stamp form, but to each his own.

1. As I see it, there are only 2 reasons to EVER get a tattoo.

a. You lost someone close and want a constant reminder of them every day when you look in the mirror. Have at it, makes sense.

b. You are a warrior, having been through military hell putting your life on the line for others. If you have been in a foxhole, you have a complete pass as you are part of a group for which I have mad respect but no knowledge.

2. Tattoo shops should be required by law to do a sobriety test prior to throwing ink. Since they are not, put that on your wingman’s list along with “don’t let me bang the chick with open sores on her mouth” and “don’t let me defecate in public”.

3. If you weigh over 400lbs and have any hope of ever coming back to human weight, don’t do it. Deflated balloon, need I say more?

4. If you are under 30 years old, please try to consider the fact that your 20’s are not a good time to make, really any long term decisions. Divorce can erase your bad marriage. What is going to erase that “Theater of Pain” Motley Crue tat?

5. If you are under 20 years old and you are getting full sleeves, I can’t really help you. You missed some hugs from mommy or got the wrong kind from daddy. The probability of you contributing to our tax base is pretty low as it is and I’m fairly safe in saying that you’re not really a planner.

6. If you own more than 1 pair of shoes, don’t get a tat. Your shoe décor is probably the safest part of your wardrobe to never change without people calling you out for being a freak. If you think you may ever want to change the style of your shoes for any reason, why do you think you would be happy with the same tattoo forever?

Now I know that very few people share my opinion of this fad..yes, it is a fad, just like teen lesbianism and Scientology. Talk to me in 20 and if you don’t regret getting it, well, who cares what the rest of that statement is, because EVERYONE regrets getting them. That being said, I do have some advice for the type of tat you should sport after ignoring the first half of this drivel.

1. Never pick pop culture references under 25 years old. Please see Motley Crue reference above. Betty Boop has been a timeless and classy whore for generations, consider her instead.

2. If you are unlearned in Asian script, art, or culture..don’t get an Asian tat.

3. A koi fish is not for everyone. 90% of you don’t even know what a koi fish is or what it represents. I once caught a 200 pounder..but I digress.

4. Don’t pick something out of a book on the spur of the moment. Coming up with a deep meaning for your “Linda Blair” tat may not be as easy as you think.

5. Razor wire doesn’t make your biceps look bigger.

6. Tramp stamps don’t make your ass look smaller.

7. Not every tattoo artist can pull off a portrait like Kat on LA Ink.

8. Consider the landscaper’s motto “Sometimes less is more”.

9. Neck and face tats are reserved for those who plan to kill or be killed in the urban jungle or behind bars.

10 I’ve witnessed some laser removal. It burns like hell and it doesn’t really remove anything.

11. If you don’t put the naked lady in a place where you can make her dance, what is the point?

12 Ladies, don’t get naked lady tats. Your nakedness is all we ask…unless you can somehow have the naked tattoo that can interact with your nakedness…never mind.

13. Looking over your shoulder at a back tat in the mirror does not do it justice. Like those tight white shorts you continue to choose to wear; if you could see what I see, you’d kill yourself. (Like a couple of pit bulls fighting under a blanket. Yuck.)

90% of you reading this are probably not happy with me, because it seems that 90% of the population is now sporting ink. To be honest, there are some pretty hot tats that scream sex and make me think dirty thoughts. My point is, that is a short lived benefit for something that will likely make your granddaughter ask “Grammy, why does it say ‘Mike’s Playground’ under your belly button? Never mind, I’ll go ask Grampa Dave.”

If you think that society shouldn’t judge you because you have Hellraiser’s Pinhead on your shoulder or gin blossoms climbing up your calf, sorry, it’s an unfair world. “I won’t live in a world where people judge…Maaann.” Shut up and take a shower, you dirty hippie. Presentation does mean something and you are treated differently based on how you present yourself, especially if you want to participate in a professional world. If my brain surgeon walked out in an Everlast tank top with full sleeves and teardrop on his cheek, I think I would head down the road. You would too. Don’t you people watch “What not to Wear”?

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Sufjan Stevens concert review

This past Monday, Kingsbury Hall, at the U of U campus was sold out and filled with sweater-wearing brooding emo students who make it a point to wear thick glasses and/or tight jeans. I was there as well. But don't worry, I wasn't wearing tight fitting jeans. They don't look very good on me.

Sufjan Stevens, who has a cult following who see him as a folk-indie hero, came to town for the first time in years to tour to celebrate the October release of his latest cd, The Age of Adz. His last full length cd, "Illinoise" was released in 2005. As a fan who has his back catalog I felt a little neglected that such a talented musician would stay off the "scene" for years without any word of new material. I was one of the naive fans who believed he would complete his quixotical quest of releasing an album for each state. Obviously that wasn't going to happen and he came out and acknowleged that as well. Even though he fell in my artist rankings, I had always wanted to see him in concert. Then with the release of his new cd, he announced a concert stop in Salt Lake City. It was $40 each ticket. (Which apparently doubles if you decide to bring your wife.) There are many shows I have turned down that have charged less, but I knew I would regret it had I not gone.

The show began as Sufjan and his band of 10 were sillhouetted by a screen in front of the stage. Sufjan plucked the banjo perfectly to an earlier track "Seven Swans." He already had the audience in his hand with the haunting melody rife with christian overtones.

There are many concerts I attend (i.e. Muse) where the band hasn't talked to the audience much. They just give you straight-up rock and roll. That was not the case with Sufjan at all. In between every song, he would introduce the next song with his awkward-skinny-white-guy humor. As with his music, everything was intentional, whether it was his trippy yet ridiculous talk of the cosmos, or his 10 minute story of the deceased Southern painter Royal Robertson. I could tell a large section of the crowd was getting restless during the story, but I just let it soak in. It wasn't your typical concert. It was more like "An evening with Sufjan Stevens." Much of it would easily fit on VH1's storytellers.

Stevens took several risks during the set. After playing only one old song, he played only new material from his recent cd and LP. Fans that were coming solely to hear his classics from "Illinoise" would have been greatly disappointed. Another risk is his decision to play the new cd's last track "Impossible Soul" which clocks in at 25 minutes. Not only did he play the entire thing, he streched it out to 40 minutes. You'd think everyone would be fidgeting in their seats, but just the opposite transpired. The crowd, who were seated for all other songs, got on their feet and joined in the Sufjan Stevens dance party. (Those are 4 words I thought I'd never say about the folk artist) Sufjan, who was wearing wings and a lit-up visor was complimented by his band who were apparently still wearing their halloween costumes from the day before. Sufjan confidently danced on stage but his "moves" were very white. (He and I might have gone to the same dance school) But as with his monologues and music, it was all very intentional.

Another welcome addition to the show was the large screen displaying utopian sci-fi art from Royal Robertson, this kept in theme with the techno-synthesizer feel of the concert. The songs that highlighted the show were "I Walked" "Get Real, Get Right" and "Vesuvius." The vibe from the cd was completely different from his earlier work. He went from haunting banjo and upbeat piano songs to bombastic instrumentals that sound like they escaped from a Flaming Lips recording session. Though the lyrics and voice are 100% Sufjan. Without sounding gay, I have often compared his voice to the smoothness of honey. Just give him a listen and see if you disagree with me.

He did satiate the crowds' appetite by playing his most well-known hit "Chicago." I love the song and I'm glad he played what at least half of the audience were anticipating but it felt out of place in a show filled with new material. Sufjan thanked the audience several times for giving him the opportunity to play mostly new material and giving him the chance to get it all off his chest. The obligatory encore was the cherry on top as he played a few older gems, finally ending the night with the haunting (how many times have I used that word in this review?) track titled "John Wayne Gacy Jr." For an extremely vibrant show it started and ended on very mellow tones.

This was like no other concert I have been to. It was what artists should perform, an experience that is entirely unique and isn't just a retread of how the cd sounds live. That said, it left no room for fence-sitters. I know people that hated it and others that loved it. I agree with the latter and will see him again in 5 years. 5 stars!

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