Mountain Dew White Out review

What goes through the minds of soft-drink producers? Do they sit in their board meetings and say, "Well more people drink more (insert beverage here) than ever before. Our sales are through the proverbial roof. But what if public just decides they are sick of our drink all of a sudden? How can we get a bigger share of the soda market?" Then the new guy pipes up and says, "What about a new color?" To which the CEO responds, "I love it! Give that man a promotion!"

Obviously the above scenario is fictional...or is it? Coke is a good example of this. For hundreds of years people have loved Coca-Cola. It has been the #1 soft-drink forever. Then in the 80's some genius decides that wasn't good enough and brings out "New Coke." The general populous hates change, but loves original Coke classic and new Coke was quickly shot down. Early in the 2000's Coke and Pepsi were in a space race to change the face of Cola forever. No one knows who threw the first punch in the battle to infuse their drink with Lime or Lemon or Vanilla or Rhubarb. But we all know that it didn't make a splash in the pond. People still drink their Coke Classic or their Pepsi(which is actually just a failed Coke experiment from the 70's).

Mountain Dew has gone through a few changes of their own. Mountain Dew has long been the drink for the slacker generation. (see also: Warcraft, Second Life, fat kids with cheeto stains on their sweat pants) As a slacker I find the drink to be delicious. There is hardly a better thing than drinking a Super Big Gulp Mountain Dew on a hot summer day. It really is the perfect drink for those looking for a nice citrus taste but don't want the nutrients associated with juice.

In 2001 Mountain Dew decided to get a little crazy. They thought it was the perfect time to bring the next generation of Dew. Enter Code Red. I'm not going to lie, I was stoked about a new Dew. There was even 2 months where I solely drank Code Red. Not bad for a first effort. But in the years since, Mountain Dew (now called Mtn Dew)got on a crazy rainbow and introduced at least 74 different "flavors" of Dew. I think we can all agree that the Taco Bell exclusive "Baja Blast" is by far the worst. I've heard it compared to the Taco Bell toilet water. Since Code Red, there have been several variations on orange, purple, blue, red, black, green, yellow, etc. With names ranging from Voltage to Highwire. There were even Warcraft flavors catering to Dew's biggest (physically and monetarily) market.

White Out is the newest member of the Dew family. It won the "Dewmocracy" contest against 3 other mediocre Dew drinks. The easiest way to describe this drink is saying that it is a mix of original Dew with a healthy dose of "Squirt." It ends up being a slightly better tasting Fresca. Fortunately it does not have the acrid aftertaste of Fresca. The color of the drink resembles soapy dishwater (always refreshing). The problem is, why would I need a new Dew drink when I could just buy a Squirt? What's next for the geniuses at Mountain Dew? Are they going to mix Dew with Slim Jims and dirt and try to take the soda market away from "TAB?"

I've knocked it quite a bit. It isn't awful and is refreshing. Though I don't think I would ever choose to drink it over the original Mtn Dew. Many years ago, Mountain Dew had the famous ad campaign saying "Been there, Done that!" Maybe they should take their own advice and stop the new drink madness, they have been there and done that many times over.

Mountain Dew White Out still has the uncanny Dew effect of making me urinate 5 minutes after I drink it. It deserves a very middle of the road 3 stars. I'm being generous.

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NightFood Dietary Supplement Bar Review

It's time to dim the lights....and take a break from the usual humor doled out at this site.  Never fear--you'll still get a cheeky product review.  If ghost stories make you uncomfortable, and you'd just like to read the review---scroll to the bottom few paragraphs of this page.

Sleep is not something that comes easy to me.  When the lights go down, and my eyes have closed, strange things start to happen.

For the last 15 years, I have been haunted by ghosts.

I'm not talking about the "float around doing practical jokes ghosts" like in Harry Potter.  Nor do I see decapitated people rattling chains....I usually just see normal people.  And this is why it is so damn scary.

For the first few years, I used to just see children.  I'd be awakened by something, and would look up to see a child walking by the foot of my bed...staring at me...and then head out the door of my room.  Other times I would wake up to see a few kids peeking their heads in the doorway, trying to not be seen.  Most of the time, there is no interaction between myself and my "experiences."  Generally, the children were just watching...and walking around the house.
The first few times this occurred, it was very scary.  I'd jump out of bed in a fit of panic, trying to decipher what I had just seen.  I'd turn on all the lights, search the house, and then make my way back to bed realizing that it was just a dream.  After many months of these experiences, I found that if I just closed my eyes and attempted to fall back asleep, things would be just fine.
I told myself that the things I was seeing were not possible.  I'd wake up sleeping on the couch to see kids sitting on the banister, or perhaps I'd think I saw them outside--when the blinds were closed.  It really didn't make sense to me.  There was the time I woke up in the kitchen on the counter---trying to defend myself from a rabid killer dog in my house.  Yeah...we'd make millions if we just installed video cameras around the home.

Unfortunately, things started to get a little scarier.

I remember a time when I woke up, and saw dozens of kids standing outside my home, looking in at me through the windows.  I bolted upstairs to look out a window to ensure my sanity...they were gone.
Another time a young girl crawled out of my closet on her hands and knees...turned her head towards me, and then crawled back into the hanging clothes.  I just closed my eyes and waited for my heart to stop pounding.

The children soon started showing up with adults.

I remember when I saw the first few adults in my bedroom.  They were walking along with the children, just walking and staring.  Like the kids, they usually didn't want to be seen, and would hurry out of the room.  The adults like to get a little closer.  I've woken up and seen a man standing right next to me, looking over our bed.  Another time, a strange man wearing one of those amish-looking pastor hats was standing threateningly in the dark recesses of the bathroom.  I now usually close the bathroom door before bed.

Lately...they've started interacting with me.

A short time ago, a young boy of 10 or 11 was standing about 6 feet from my bed.  He looked at me amusingly, and then pointed over to the partially open bedroom door.  Looking through the opening was another boy, about the same age.  He was laughing at me...but not from something funny.  More like a morbid laughter.
But the most frightening experience happened about a year ago.  I woke up thinking I heard something in the hallway next to my bedroom.  I sat up and looked out the door.  (I specifically remember this experience because I was fairly awake...most of the time I am "out of it"...but this was not one of those times)  In the doorway stood a very large man standing there, wrestling with something with his right hand which I couldn't see as it was outside the view of the door.  For a moment he wrestled with this thing, and then looked directly at me smiling.  He then proceeded to pull my 5 year old son into view like he was showing off his prize, and then picked him up and ran down the hall.
I did what any red-blooded American Father would do....jumped around in my underwear looking for something to use as a weapon.  I settled on a pair of old Skechers.
After searching the entire house, and sleeping guard on the couch, I realized yet again that none of this is real.
And what's worse, I might eventually hurt my wife or myself.  Sometimes I don't recognize my wife in the bed, and try to slip out un-noticed into another room.  Silly...yet if aliens decide to switch my wife with a green life-form meant to impregnate me through my rectum, I'll look like the smart one.

I've researched my condition, and my Doctor (Wikipedia) thinks I have Hypnopompic Hallucinations.  I'm sticking with this diagnosis...until one of my "apparitions" decides to start tipping over dishes or placing viruses on my computer.

I've tried innumerable remedies and actions to try to help me sleep better.  I've tried Tylenol PM with mixed results.  I've tried to stay away from spicy food for dinner.  I've recently been watching episodes of Glee, as the utter stupidity and nothing-ever-happens-ness of the show usually lulls me to sleep quickly.  There is nothing like a Karaoke version of a Michael Buble song to bring on the sweet peace of night.  Unfortunately, none of these has really worked long-term.

I recently stumbled across a new type of sleep aid---Candy Bars!!  Well, this really isn't a candy bar, but it's fairly close.  Nightfood has created a dietary supplement that is supposed to aid in sleeping.  They say that by eating this as a nighttime snack, I will fall asleep easier, and maintain optimal blood glucose levels for more rejuvinating and restful sleep.  Supposedly, a bioactive called Chocomine will help me to have better sleep moods and relaxation, and support neuronal transmissions.  (Disappointingly, neuronal transmission has very little to do with nocturnal emmissions)

As I found a free sample for 2 bars, I took the plunge.  The only flavor available is cookies and cream.  Let's see...10pm...pajamas--check...checked on kids--check...locked all the doors--check...eat a candy bar--double check!!
To be quite frank, this isn't the most appetizing snack.  It's roughly equivalent in taste to a 6 month old PowerBar.  While chewing, it's not too bad, but the after-taste is a little pungent.

And does it work??  I'm not sure.  I only received 2 samples, and to order more is $11.99 for 6 more bars.  Quite a spendy experiment.  I can't honestly say I slept better after eating these bars, but I'm not about to dismiss them off-hand without a longer period of sampling.  Plus, I would imagine that some Oreos and milk would be a nice substitute in a pinch.

I give the NightFood bar 2 stars, mainly because I was able to re-live my personal nightmares therapeutically on the internet.  (Un?)Fortunately for you, I've saved the most frightening experiences from this review.  I'm selling these for the story rights in Paranormal Activity 3.

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Netflix Streaming Review

I'm going to come right out and say it, I Love Technology! The older I get, the lazier I get. But not to worry because technology seems to make up for my laziness. The greatest example of expanding technology and one of the best business models of the last decade is that of Netflix.

Who doesn't remember going to Blockbuster to go rent the newest VHS copy of Independence Day when it came out? Those were the days... standing in line behind smelly kids, women who write checks, and the closet pervert trying to hide his copy of "Wild Things" behind "Enemy of the State" and "Sense and Sensibility." Then when you finally do get to the front of the line, you are helped by a sweaty acne-riddled 28 year old who conspicuously glances at you after scanning each movie title, judging the entire time. Then of course being told that you have incurred a 12 dollar late fee for Austin Powers: Goldmember.

I do not miss those days at all.

A year ago I reviewed the experience of being a member of Blockbuster's online rental program. You can find that link here. After being soured from Blockbuster's service I decided to make the jump over to rental nirvana, Netflix.

For over a year I solely just used Netflix for mail-in dvd's. Their selection was massive with over 100,000 choices. There were few movies that Netflix did not have (i.e. Rad). I went with the 3 titles at a time and was a very satisfied customer. Only 5 months ago my life changed for the better(though my wife might disagree), I finally got a PS3, and with it, the capability to watch streaming movies on Netflix. I don't even think I've visited a redbox since that time.

There are nearly 20,000 titles and counting for Netflix streaming currently. There is a whole lot of crap and filler involved, but also some golden choices as well. I am a big tv series watcher and Netflix has most of my favorites. (Dexter, Buffy, 24, Battlestar Galactica, and much much more.) Do I sound like I'm being paid to do an advertisement for Netflix? I really think I should be paid. The other day I received some "pass-along cards" from Netflix for my friends and family. I had to laugh because I could preach the pros about Netflix and attempt to convert people, but would struggle to do the same thing with religion. (Hey if my church let me watch old broadcasts of Shark Week at any time of day I probably would be more motivated)

Much like a mail-in queue(is it just me or are there too many "ue's" in that word?) you have a instant watch queue. You can scan movies till the day is long and save movies for later. I currently have 74 movies ready for my disposal. Also, Netflix streaming isn't just for us guys. There is a huge selection of reality TV for our wives to watch(The Hills, Kardashians, and other hoochie shows). Did I say "reality?" Ha! And...not that kids should be exposed to too much TV, but they have plenty of kids shows for easy viewing when you want them to zone out during lunch. (Barney, Backyardigans, Thomas the Creepy Tank Engine)

Because I feel the need to rate everything (movies, food, girls at the mall, etc) they let you rate movies and give you suggestions based on your previous ratings. Having a personalized service like that is never a bad thing.

So now that I've pledged my undying love for Netflix, let me give you the cons. There might be a few seasons of a show like "Dexter" but only the first two. Come on Netflix, where are seasons 3 and 4? Also, there are times that a movie on instant watch can expire and is only available to rent on dvd. That sucks when that happens, but hey, you still get rentals mailed to you whenever you want. I would like a bigger selection of movies on streaming, but thankfully Netflix is catering to that and paying movie companies massive amounts. They recently struck a deal with Fox, Universal, and Warner to bring their movie catalog to streaming. This is a very good thing.

I don't know what more to say. If you're not currently a member, shell out the 9 dollars a month and get one mail-in dvd at a time and unlimited streaming movies. You will not regret having your fill of Steven Seagal movies. Netflix streaming gets 5 stars from me. I'm waiting for my advertising check any day now.

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Gold Bond Maximum Strength Foot Powder Review

As my kids get older, I find myself looking back on my life for experiences that will help them through troubled times.  Unfortunately, most of these experiences ended with water balloons, outdoor urination, and angry neighbors. 
Due to my "checkered" past, I've created an alter-ego self who was quite possibly the most well behaved child on the planet.  I tenderly share stories of mowing the lawn at age 8, graduating from high school at 16, and never kissing a girl until I was married. (One of these 3 items is true...can you guess?)
Is this deceit working?  I'm not sure...but it better...because I'd hate to incur the wrath of God for lying and end up in the 5th ring of Hades while my kids rebel against "Daddy Mr. Perfect" by starting a reality TV show. (I'd call it Jewish Shore)

In truth, the ages of 12-14 were rife with turmoil for me.  While other boys were gaining deep voices, chin-hair, and growing like weeds, my internal biological clock had seemingly ran out of batteries.  Puberty was the ever-evasive goal that I could not achieve in Junior High.  As the only kid in gym class without armpit hair (among other places) my showers generally consisted of a blinding flash of towel, minimal amounts of water, always facing the wall, and a direct sprint back to the locker to change clothes before my lack of body hair became apparent.  Good times.

The summer before High School, my body decided it had played enough games, and thrust a change upon me never witnessed before on this earth.  The tumultuous growth, random sprouting of hair, pimples arriving in waves, naughty nocturnal dreams, and smells emanating from places I didn't know existed wrought upon me like a Hurricane.  Why was I so excited to get there??

One of the awful by-products of my bodily transformation became apparent one Saturday afternoon while cleaning my room.  I was placing my shoes inside my closet when a smell hit me that I wish I could un-smell.  I looked down at my precious Vans, and realized there was a price to pay for wearing a favorite pair of shoes every day for over a year.
From that day forth, I became mortified that another human being would smell my stinky shoes.

As a young man, I tried everything to mask the smell.  Scrubbing my feet until bloody, Rubbing alcohol, cologne, deodorant stick, cigarette ashes...all to no avail.  Most of my solutions were akin to rubbing a car pine scented deodorizer on Matthew McConaughey's armpits--and then all you end up with is Pine B.O.

As I grew older, I found that if you have a ton of shoes and rotate them accordingly, stink-foot can be avoided. 
Unfortunately, in the last few weeks, I have noticed a faint smell of unpleasantness while sitting in my cubicle.  My stinky feet had finally caught up with me after all these years.

I immediately went out and purchased a potential remedy---Gold Bond Maximum Strength Foot Powder.  After purchase, I noticed that this product has "triple action relief"--Relieves itching, absorbs moisture, and controls foot odor.  I don't really have itchy feet, but the insides of my shoes are a dank stinky place.

This is a white powder which you sprinkle onto your feet and insides of your shoes.  Due to a terrible experience during a bike ride where I used a powder to reduce chaffing on my "naughty bits", I refuse to use powder on my person.  I did pour a healthy amount into all of my shoes.

The powder smells like mediciney minty mentos.  Alliteration aside, the smell isn't altogether unpleasant.

Unfortunately, the results are mixed.  While I do not notice that my hoof-stench is not as potent in open-air, a long whiff at close range may cause nose hair to singe.

I will continue to use the Gold Bond on a long-term basis for two reasons--I hope that I have just lost the battle---not the war, and using this product reminds me of that Foo Fighters video I really like.

I give the foot powder 3 semi-fresh stars.

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