LOST the final season review

So I finally got around to finishing the last season of Lost. Because I don't have DVR I had to wait to watch the season on DVD. It's a hard-knock life. So forgive me for this review being 4 months late. But after I saw the end of a show that I had faithfully followed for 6 years I had to get my two cents out there. (So original, a blogger wanting their voice to be heard...")

Yes, I did watch the entire series without ever giving up during season 2 like most fairweather Lost fans did. I watch a lot of TV and as I've said before I think my opinion is the most valid on high quality entertainment. Let me just get this out of the way. I believe the first season of Lost is the single greatest season of any TV series out there. (Yes, even better than Buffy season 2, 24 season 5, Arrested Development season 2, and Dexter seasons 1 & 4) I dare anyone to watch the pilot and tell me that they didn't really dig it. Anyone who has seen the pilot has gone on to watch the entire season. It has it all: anti-heroes, villains, torture, monster noises, love, hurley, and polar bears. But herein lies the problem. The 1st season was so phenomenal, where do you go from there. Down. The audience expected so much from the show that they expected insane answers to mind-bending mysteries. But all they got was Michelle Rodriguez. Yuck. It is a well known fact that 74% of Lost fans dropped off in the middle of the 2nd season. And another 12% left during the 3rd. These seasons were solid and better than most other TV shows, but we expected more from the show that made the "Party of Five" guy cool.

The show got its groove back in seasons four and five. I remember watching season 5 and thinking "Oh, so they finally answered that lingering question. I forgot that even happened early on in the show. That's the problem with the show. There were so many cool questions and mysteries early on, that you were dying in anticipation of the answers. But if any answers did come, they came with 7 more mysteries. And each of those mysteries had 7 more mysteries. And they told 7 of their friends. And so on...and so on.

This show has relied on flashbacks in each episode to give more depth to each character and reveal mini-twists of their pasts. The show was turned on its head when, in season 4, they focused on flash-forwards of the surviving characters. Season 5 went crazy with time travel and nuclear bombs and ended with a possible show ender. I couldn't wait for season 6. Skip the next paragraph if you are ever going to watch it.

*Begin Spoiler* (I have always wanted to say that)
The final season begins right after the bomb goes off and the castaways have successfully reset being stuck in 1977. They are back to the present and reuniting with each other again. But Locke having been killed previously is back, or should I say the Smoke monster has taken the form of Locke and his only mission is to get every castaway together and get off the island. Everyone knows he's evil so they go to a temple for no apparent reason and get captured by the natives. Locke ends up killing the natives and one by one, recruits the castaways. We find out why each of the characters was brought to the island but not exactly what they're supposed to do. Apparently Jacob knew his number was coming up and needed one of them to be the Island's protector. Jacob and the Smoke monster represent the good and evil of the island and Jacob warns that Locke can not be allowed to leave or "everything you have ever known will cease to exist!" Those are some pretty alarming words. Does he ever give the reason why that would happen or why the smoke monster is so evil? No. (This is Lost, after all) Eventually there is a struggle and many of the original cast die. Of course, Jack becomes the new protector but sacrifices himself to save everyone and the Island. A few people get off the island and who knows what happens. The novelty of this season was the flash-sideways. During each episode we find out what would happen to the characters in a parallel dimension if the plane never crashed. I really enjoyed this, and it was very refreshing to see past characters who previously died. The character Desmond is the link and somehow remembers his past on the island. He finds each character and helps them remember as well. The last episode, we discover that the flash-sideways is really purgatory and constructed by the castaways so that they would find each other again and all go to heaven.
*End Spoiler*

Ok, I know I probably made the season sound stupid. It wasn't. It just didn't seem like a final season of a show tangled in mythology. I want to talk specifically about the final episode "The End." I believe the majority of fans were disappointed in it. I'll first attack it, then defend it.

Really Lost, you give us mystery after mystery, major characters dying everywhere, a smoke monster for pete's sake, and you basically tell us that none of it was important?! You only say that the experience made every castaway better and brought them together?? That's your explanation?! What about the button? The numbers? Walt?! You teased us and didn't pay off in the end! Really?!

Ok, now I'll defend it. Lost, you have given us great characters with solid depth that I felt for. Nearly every death was a blow to me. (Charlie, sniff sniff) Sure a lot of weird stuff was going on and we never learn why, but at least you kept us guessing and blogging about it.

Lost really was all about the characters. The ending proves that. I don't cry for movies or TV, but when everyone remembered each other in the flash-sideways I was almost blubbering like a baby. (Fact: the only time I've cried in a movie, is when Artex dies in the swamps of sadness in The Neverending Story) The reunion of Claire and Charlie was especially effective.

In conclusion, did the end of the show tell us what the island is? An episode in the middle of this season teased us that the island might be a (buffy reference) hellmouth, a gateway of sorts for stopping evil from entering our world. But that's all they gave us, a tease. Lost is a tease, but not a wholly unsatisfying one. I have been glad to have a show to watch that has a cliffhanger at the end of nearly every episode and leaves me wanting more.

I will miss Jack, Sawyer, Hurley, Jin, Sun, Charlie, and the rest of the gang. I would say the last episode is a very consistent end for a very inconsistent show.

Lost the Final Season gets a decent 3 stars from me. The ending was emotional but, as expected, answered nothing.

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Alps Mountaineering Big C.A.T. Camp Chair Review

You’ve heard all of the reviewers at this website complain about how fat they are or how fat they are becoming. The other three are lying to you. Oh, they may be saggy or pudgy or soft in the midsection. No doubt they can’t fit into the 501 shrink to fit jeans they did back when Duran Duran had 3 #1 hits on the charts. But they are not fat. Don’t get me wrong, they all have the potential to be hideous Hutts one day, but for now, I am the only truly fat man reviewing here.

Proof of that is the other 3 have never even heard of the product I’m about to review. I have been fortunate and have never had a chair break under the enormous pressure and weight of my humongous buttocks, but there have been close calls. I’ve had several kids in little league sports and I have spent many an hour punishing cheap and rickety camp chairs bought mostly at Walmart for less than $20. The abuse they have received at my hands…errr arse, is a testament to their overall quality and stamina. But Clinton was President the last time I actually got to relax in one of these chairs. I have lived under the constant threat of the humiliation and pain that would come with the inevitable breakage of said chair, quickly followed by the inevitable breakage of my tailbone.

The other 3 reviewers have never seen this product because not only are they not fat but are not overly tall either. It was on my last visit to the local Big and Tall store to purchase a pair of 54" jeans that I found the answer to all my problems. Diet and exercise? No, perish the thought. A camp chair with a 500 pound weight capacity? Say AMEN Brother!!!

The Big C.A.T. by Alps Mountaineering is a marvel of modern engineering. It looks like all the other camp chairs most of you are familiar with, but looks are indeed deceiving. It does in fact have a weight limit of 500 pounds (your average Walmart one is less than 200 pounds). It is stronger, but is also a higher quality product all around. Good materials, good design and something that is hard to put a price tag on – the peace of mind that you’re not going to fall on your butt and have your vertebrae rip through your chest. It fits well into the provided carry bag, which is also stronger than all the other ones. The chair does weigh a little bit more, but just barely and it’s very worth it.

There is one drawback to this chair. Obviously, those who designed it were mostly concerned by weight and width, but are themselves, not overweight, because they did not resolve what I call the “nutcracker effect”. The Big C.A.T. will hold my weight and is wide enough to accommodate my prodigious hips, but us big guys need more than just enough room to squeeze our hips in a chair. See wide hips and wide thighs go together and wide thighs lead to crushed testicles. The only cure is to be able to spread your chubby legs far enough apart to allow for your thighs to actually have some separation between them. This chair does not account for this problem and therefore it looses 1 star.

For you chubby Boy Scouts out there who always want to be prepared, you may also want to consider the “King Kong” camp chair from Alps Mountaineering. Pretty much the same chair but has an 800 pound capacity. But I’ll stick to my Big C.A.T. because by the time I reach 500 pounds I’ll be ready to just stay on my couch until I’m fused to it. As for you would-be fatsos out there that still buy clothes off the rack at JCPenny or Macy’s or Old Navy I have one word for you: Amateurs!

The Big C.A.T. by Alps Mountaineering scores 4 big fat jumbo stars. It retails for around $50 and is available at most Big and Tall stores. It’s definitely tons and tons above the rest!!!!

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My Lost Daughter Book Review

While Review Spew sometimes receive free items to review, we are in no way a shill for the companies/persons who send these items.  That being said, we thank PR by the book for sending a copy of the book being reviewed today.

On the other hand, I will give a large, but by no means exhaustive list of items we would graciously accept for free and review---and line up to become a shill for the company:
Tickets to any sporting event except the WNBA
Movie tickets
The newest generation Ipod Nano
Tuition assistance for our offspring
Any anti-Lady Gaga clothing
An Alaskan Cruise
A bit part in the upcoming Arrested Development movie
Cash
Lunch with Jim Gaffigan (his treat)
The opportunity to shoot paintballs at a nude Spencer Pratt

I'm going to be up front and honest before I share my feelings in this review---I generally do not read many books written by women.  I'm not sexist...in fact, I'm more misanthrope than misogynist. 
Oh, there was a good stretch of Patricia Cornwell books I read, but that was mainly because my wife had bought them and I ran across them in the bookshelf.
I can't say that I consciously choose books written by men either.  I generally choose a well-reviewed book, or something suggested by a friend.  It's not like my entire library is dominated with Penthouse letters that begin "I never thought it would happen to me!!"

I am currently knee-deep in a 6500 page Clancy novel, and received My Lost Daughter by Nancy Taylor Rosenberg.  This seemed to be an opportunity to take a week-long break from the unbelievably detailed explanation of fighter jets, submarines and Jack Ryan. 
If you think you've read this book before, it's not the story of Sally Field being abused by an Islamic husband in Iran.  That's Not without my Daughter, and is a horribly boring movie. (She escapes to America--hah--too late for a spoiler alert)

This book is a continuation on previous Rosenberg books, and I was afraid I'd be missing out on key pieces of information.  Luckily, the author weaves Lost-like flashbacks quite well into the story in order to keep you informed.
The "back-cover" explanation of the lead character (Lily Forester)---a California Judge who has dealt with unspeakable horrors in her past and personal life, is back trying to protect her daughter from unspeakable horrors in the present. (who also dealt with unspeakable horrors in her past)

The first 50-60 pages are painfully slow.  You'll also come across 2 fairly detailed sex scenes in this span.  I had to flip back to the front cover to make sure that there wasn't a picture of Fabio riding a horse with an unbuttoned shirt.  The first quarter of the book reads more like a Lifetime Network movie starring Kim Cattrall rather than a thriller.  The un-empathatic main character spends most of her time thinking about her failed personal relationships and sex.  I can get this watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Luckily the author brings the daughter of the main character into the story. (Shana)  The main plot-line of the book involves Lily becoming very concerned about her daughters mental state after a breakup with a boyfriend.  She tries to temporarily place her into a mental institution so that she can receive some medication to help her sleep.  The mental home uses deceit to keep the daughter there for an extended period of time to collect on her insurance, while her Mother heads back home to preside in a trial and have more sex.

The story of the daughter in the mental institution is by far the most interesting portion of the book.  You're always guessing who is friend or foe, whether her behavior is caused by medication or not, and her plan to escape from the hospital.  The dynamic with the other patients is fascinating, and the injustice of how the hospital breaks the law is riveting.
I personally hoped the hospital and it's crooked owners were to be the main antogonist in the book.  Unfortunately I was wrong. 
Her Mother finally decides to get her out of the hospital, and really has no trouble doing so. (so disappointing given the that this is the main source of tension throughout the book)  Shana goes home to live with her Mom after this to live happily ever after. (Or is it??!!!)

While previously in the hospital, Shana meets an intriguing patient with whom she has sex (like Mother like daughter), and grows very close to him.  Without ruining the ending, I'll just say that a poorly-placed side-story of an FBI agent trailing a murderer who finds his victims in a Suicide club collides with Shana and her Mother.  The ending is without tension or suspense, and almost unravels what is a halfway decent book.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this review, I may be jaded by my choice of male authors, so that I can't identify with the story the author is trying to share.  I felt no empathy or identification with any character except Shana.  Lily acts more like the Mom in Home Alone than a woman who kicks butt and takes names.  While one minute she is in tears regarding the state of her daughter, the next moment she is being seduced by her boyfriend.  This makes the story disjointed, and less believable.

  I give My Lost Daughter a 2-star rating solely for the plot with Shana in the mental institution.  The rest feels like it should be an Oxygen movie starring Judith Light.

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Carl's Jr. Philly Cheesesteak Burger Review

I would like to take a minute to discuss the word “Dank”. According to Dictionary.com the word “Dank” means: “unpleasantly moist or humid; damp”, but that doesn’t quite sum up the myriad of feelings and images that come to mind when you hear the word used. Of course the real problem is that unless you’re a fan of true-crime novels you probably don’t see or hear the word very often. Dank is almost always used to describe the cellar, the crawl space or abandoned well where the victims were found. Please keep this in mind as I proceed with my review.

My two favorite fast food hamburgers are the Pastrami Burger from Carl’s Jr. (and may they rot in hell forever for not making it a regular menu item) and the Big Carl from Carl’s Jr. So it’s safe to say I enjoy eating at Carl’s Jr. The burgers are high quality, taste good, they’re huge, and inexpensive. The Fries are good and any place that has a big vat of Jalapenos at your disposal to garnish your food with is absolutely aces in my book.

I went to Carl’s Jr. today for lunch planning on having a Big Carl and in the back of my mind hoping that maybe the Pastrami Burger was back. It wasn’t, but there was something new they were promoting. The new Philly Cheesesteak Burger.

The official description of this new burger is: “Juicy steak, with sautéed green bell peppers and onions, and melted American and Swiss cheeses, all piled on top of a charbroiled beef patty and served between a seeded bun.” Nutrional information for this item states that it’s a 285g burger, with 750 Calories (400 Fat Calories), 45g of fat, 16g of saturated fat, 105mg of cholesterol, and 1,420mg of sodium, and there was more, but hey that was enough. I was sold. I did do one sanity check. Just before ordering I asked the cashier (his name tag identified him as “Bill”) if it was any good. He replied, “actually it’s really good”. So I went ahead and ordered it. My lunch companions went with the Big Carl. Not to ruin the ending of the review but that was a very wise decision on their part.

We ordered, we filled up our sodas, we sat down, we chit-chatted, and before long our food came. I picked up my burger and instantly the alarms started going off in my head. It felt…weird. I don’t know how else to describe it. Squishy is close but doesn’t quite fit. I unwrapped it and was struck by the most awful aroma. I knew I had made a terrible mistake, but it was too late. The facade of the entire restaurant collapsed and instead of bright happy colors and Formica table-tops I was surrounded by cold gray stone walls, a distant dripping sound could be heard echoing from behind me and the sun had definitely been blotted out leaving me chilled from head to toe and a little frightened.

I hadn’t even looked at the damn thing yet. I actually think looking at it was the 2nd biggest mistake right behind ordering it. You know that stuff that gets stuck in your BBQ grill grease trap? Scrape that all up and slap it on top of a charbroiled beef patty and serve between a seeded bun, and you’ll get the idea of what this looked like.

Just as I am about to take my first bite, out of the corner of my eye I notice the broken off finger nails embedded into the stone wall next to me, but I pressed on, I mean I had a review to write after all. I’ve been trying all afternoon to figure out how to adequately describe the texture of the “steak” used in this burger. The closest I can come up with is caramelized lettuce. That doesn’t do it justice but it comes shockingly close. I take 2 or 3 bites and then decided to take a closer look at the burger. Dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I almost threw up.

It was at this point that I noticed “Bill” the cashier was hanging over the edge of the well above me wearing a dress and screaming “It puts the fry sauce on its skin, it puts the fry sauce on its skin. PUT THE FRY SAUCE ON ITS SKIN!!!!!!!!!”

I don’t know if I’m proud of the fact or not that I managed to get three fourths the way through this “concoction” before giving up. All senses were assaulted by this burger: the feel, the smell, the site, the taste, and the sound of it that has been plaguing me all afternoon leads me to just one description for this entire burger: Dank. The new Philly Cheesesteak Burger from Carl’s Jr. is Dank and rates an absolute zero!

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Arcade Fire - The Suburbs - cd review

Indie music is a funny thing. I enjoy listening to it, some of my favorite artists are Indie artists. Though I'm always a little embarrassed to admit that I am a fan of the genre. When most people(and believe me, I know what most people think) hear the term Indie music they think of "Death Cab for Cutie" (shudder) or bands that are on the Twilight movie soundtracks (anger).

Arcade Fire is an indie rock band from Montreal. I was first led on to them when a friend put their 2007 release "Neon Bible" on my ipod (not zune). That cd was recorded in a old church and had heavy thematic elements of religion. I immediately tossed it aside as a try-hard band that was forcing its moodiness onto me. Then this friend gave me their first cd, Funeral. I listened to it a few times through and it was a case of right-place-right-time and fell in love with it. I gave Neon Bible another chance and loved the haunting sound of the cd and knew Arcade Fire was a band that would climb my top 20 list.

The Suburbs is their 3rd full length album and was released last month. Just like Funeral and Neon Bible it is a theme album. At times it seems that it mocks suburban life and its monotony, but other songs celebrate the family routines of suburbia. The lead vocalist describes the album as a letter from the suburbs. It's important to not dismiss the cd as an experimental album. There is enough variety throughout to garner fans of several different genres.

The first single "Ready To Start" is a decent introduction if you have never heard the band before but it is hardly the best song on the cd. Just to let you know, if you buy cd's for the radio songs and think they're the best track on the album, you probably like pop music and hate yourself. So sad.

I listen to this cd when I go running at night. (pedophile alert) And while it's not the fast rock and roll beat that is usually necessary for exercise, the melodies are moody and haunting and perfect for lazy joggers like myself. Just listen to any other cd and compare it to this and you'll love this album for its instrumentals alone, and feel every other cd feels flat. Arcade Fire is comprised of at least 9 people with instruments ranging from french horns to cellos. And we all know there's always room for Cello. (Ba dum cha!) All joking aside, every song is emotionally charged with Win Butler's vocals and an indie symphony backing him up.

The cd starts out very strong with its opening track "The Suburbs." (Imagine that) Other favorites are "Rococo" "Half Light II" "Suburban War" and "We Used to Wait."

I would recommend this cd to basically anyone who doesn't like Country or R & B. There is just no converting "those people." I know a lot of our readers might be older men who also walk the neighborhoods at night. To those people I say, put away the old Pearl Jam cd's and stop waiting for the return of a new INXS, listen to The Suburbs and you will not regret it.

For fans of Arcade Fire this cd meets all expectations. It is not perfect but nearly, so I cannot give it a 5 star rating. If we had a 4.5 rating I would bestow the honor to this cd.

If every indie band were as good as Arcade Fire, I would be an unashamed indie fan.

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World War Z Review

I like horror movies…sort of. Lets say I like certain categories of horror movies. I will not watch satanic/demonic horror movies. I watched the trailer for Paranormal Activity and didn’t sleep for a week. But slasher movies I like. Freddy being my favorite, but Jason and Michael Myers are also very awesome. Alien horror movies are cool too. My all time favorite though is zombie movies. They are just amazing. My favorite line from any movie ever was from the 1985 Zombie movie Return of the Living Dead. Where the zombie boyfriend is trying to eat his girlfriend’s brain and she’s screaming “No, no.” and the Zombie replies, “If you loved me you’d let me eat your brain.” Of course she replies, “OK” and lets him eat her brain.

Maybe it’s the always-present twisted humor that seems to emanate from the Zombie movie genre that appeals to me or perhaps it’s the relative “safeness” of them that allows me to watch them. See I don’t mind the slasher movies because they are so fake as are the alien horror films. The demonic ones scare me too much because I believe that crap can happen for real so they aren’t safe to watch. Zombies just can’t happen. It’s those 4 words that I’ve been muttering non-stop every night, all night long while I’m huddled in a corner of my room rocking back and forth wishing for the dawn to break ever since I picked up Max Brooks novel “World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War” (referred to as WWZ from here on out).

I ran into this novel after watching Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland back-to-back. I decided to see what Wikipedia had to say about Zombies. WWZ was not Brooks first step into the Zombie genre. His first book was called “The Zombie Survival Guide” which from all accounts was a humorous gag of a book where the joke just went on too long to keep your interest. So I never read it. WWZ was a whole different animal though.

This book is a collection of individual stories from survivors of the 10-year long world war against zombies. Brooks himself is the interviewer working for the United Nations Postwar Commission investigating the war. Once compiled, the UN scrapped most of it, choosing just to stick to facts and figures. Brooks was so outraged, in this fictional account, that he finally pushed the UN into allowing him to write his own book based on what he had learned, and voila we have this epic novel.

I had never read a zombie book before. Even this review starts out talking about movies, and I wasn’t about to read this one either till I got about half way through the Wikipedia entry about it. That’s where I read this:

As the zombies' bodies don't generate their own heat, they are prone to freezing solid in cold climates, and as a result, many people in North America flee to the wilds of northern Canada; approximately 11 million people die there of starvation and exposure after realizing they are unprepared for the harsh climate.

And BAMM!!!!!!! Just like that it hit very close to home. It’s at this point I started asking myself what I would do for me and my family if the world was being overrun with zombies. Ummm, just a minute I’ll be right back... zombies just can’t happen…zombies just can’t happen…zombies just can’t happen…. OK, I’m back. Sorry about that.

So I went out and bought the book and read it as non-stop as a full time job and family will allow. I was so ticked off when it ended because it was over. I wanted so badly for there to be more. This is one fantastically scary book. There were so many cool things that I had never seen explored before in this genre, like what happens to zombies when they get cold, and also what happens to them when they fall in the ocean since they can’t drown.

More than that though the book explores many other avenues such as what would the greatest military weapons and strategies do against an enemy like this? How do you fight against an enemy that has no feeling, no fear, no ability to negotiate or even think. And what would a civilization on the brink of complete destruction be willing to do to survive? All of this is wrapped up in very stark and personal stories; first-hand accounts from people who were there when it happened.

This is not isolated to America alone either. The story starts in China and goes to every corner of the world and back and slowly builds as the first outbreaks cause suspicions which leads to all-out panic and finally war. This is the only book that mocks the folly of war and passivism all at the same time. World War Z is a certified ReviewSpew All-Star! I recommend reading it before the movie comes out (yes there’s a movie in the works but I’m not going to tell you who stars in it because it may ruin the book for you.)

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Crest Pro-Health Sensitive Shield Toothpaste Review

A person's mouth ranks just slightly above feet and nasal cavity on the "grossest locations of the body" scale.  It's a good thing that there is some sort of animal magnetism between people, or the french kiss wouldn't even exist. 
Think about it--it's basically just a living garbage disposal.  Take any average American mouth, and there are countless germs, remnants of Quizno's from lunch, cuts on the roof of the mouth from eating Cap'n Crunch for breakfast(I wouldn't be surprised if someone has died from blood loss while eating this cereal), slivers of Dentyne gum between the teeth, and even perhaps a cold sore.
Is this orifice really something we want to share in our intimate moments?

For these reasons above, I have become an OCD oral care-taker.  My daily mouth cleaning process includes brushing 3x a day, flossing till I bleed, water-pic at pressures meant for industrial cleaning, and the occasional mouthwash with gasoline-like Listerine.
I don't do this to fight off cavities, but for the fact that the fact that the germ-fiesta in my mouth makes me self-loathe.

According to my dentist, I am a little rough on my teeth.  I always thought that brushing until my forearms were sore was the best approach, but I've since found out that I need to tone it down.  My dentist stated that I've worn down the enamel, and have sensitive teeth.  This was proved as he stabbed the tooth with a sharp pointy thing.

--Side note--
My dentist runs a little on the Jekyll and Hyde side of things.  Every time I show up, my dentist is one of the friendliest guys you'll ever meet.  He usually asks about the family, vacations, etc. 
And then a mental switch must go off in his brain when he presses the button to recline my seat.
Pain is then inflicted on a level incomprehensible to most serial killers or even Jack Bauer.  He continually reaches into his stockade of pain-inducing pokers, stabbers, and drills while I make permanent hand impressions on the arms of chair from squeezing so hard.  In addition, you most likely will be watching All My Children on an over-head TV at the time.
After he is finished, he presses the button to incline my seat, and the switch in his brain flips the other way.
He thanks me for coming with a smile on his face.  I wonder if he understands what just happened?
I walk out with numbness stretching into my nose, my Jabba-the-Hut-esque tongue hanging limply on my lips.
Maybe I'm the one with the problem as I always set up an appointment for 6 months later.
--Side note over--

My dentist suggested I get a toothpaste for sensitive teeth.  This would help relieve any pain.  He also suggested an electric toothbrush and to use less pressure when brushing.
I acquiesced to the demands of my torturer, and for many years have used Crest sensitivity toothpaste with good results.

On a recent visit to the grocery store, my regular Crest toothpaste had changed.  It looked like it was in a new box, but I didn't pay it much attention.  I threw it in the cart and didn't think about it until I tried it later.

That evening I surveyed the toothpaste and realized it was different.  It is now called Crest Pro-Health Sensitive Shield.  What a mouthful. (haha)  If they would have called it Crest Health-Pro Sensitive Shield, they could have just listed CHiPSS on the box.  The next logical step would be to get Eric Estrada to do promos.  I'm a marketing genius.

This toothpaste is different than its predecessor.  It is mushy like the glue paste I ate in 1st grade.  It doesn't foam properly in my mouth (I like to look like a rabid dog while brushing), and the minty zest is just not zesty enough.  I assume the sensitivity protection is good, as I don't have pain there, but I want to obliterate the germ-a-palooza that exists in my mouth when I brush.  After brushing, I like to take a big breath in, and then smack my lips cuz the mint is so strong.

One benefit is that this new toothpaste is in a larger container than the older sensitivity paste.  Either that or the box looks bigger.
I'm not in love with this toothpaste, and am not sure how long I will use it.  Other sensitive toothpastes can be very expensive, so my budget may make the decision for me.

I give Crest Pro-Health Sensitive Shield toothpaste 2 rinse and spit stars.

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Pilot G-2 Pen Review

There is a black hole forming in my home. 
Critical mass is slowly being reached in my kitchen drawer.  Many eons ago, a small basket held a few precious pencils and pens.  Whenever a quick note or phone number needed to be written down, you'd reach in that drawer and use the first available writing utensil.

Over the millennia, pens found under the couch, in the car, and at the bottom of a purse were deposited into this basket.  Its mass has slowly risen to Kelly Clarkson-like levels. Unfortunately, quantity does not equal quality.  The random chance that you'll find a pen that works, or a pencil without a broken lead is approximately 1%. 
I can realistically envision a situation where the president is calling me with GPS coordinates to a safe bunker during a nuclear war.  He asks if I have a pencil, and I look to the basket for redemption...only to pull out a dud.  I'm literally scratching holes in paper trying to get the ink out.  I reach in for another, and it is dry as a bone as well.  I furiously lick the tip of the pen, but to no avail.  The GPS coordinates come and go, and I'm left in a pile of pens up to my knees...bloody tongue, scratches in the counter, and my family doomed to a radioactive death. 
If the gold standard was changed to the dud pen standard---my house would be Fort Knox.

It's like my family thinks the basket is a Pen Cemetery, where pens come back from the dead. (sometimes dead is better...)

As my family slowly gets sucked into this pen vortex at home, I have a dirty little secret at work.  I have found the perfect pen, and only need one to satisfy all my writing needs. (One pen to rule them all)

The Pilot G-2 is not new.  In fact this pen is one of the best-selling in the country.  Unfortunately, my last place of employment did not supply this pen. (at least not to me)  We were relegated to throwaway Bic's and cheap refillable pens for our work anniversary gifts.
Luckily, my current workplace supplies these bad boys in spades.  Even though one pen lasts a very long time, I hide my own stash in my desk...like they are going to stop producing them or something.  I'm a Pilot G-2 hoarder.

I like my pens like my women...to put out. (ba-doom---hiss)  Honestly, this is the single most important aspect of a pen.  If I have to press hard on paper to get ink out of the tip, I'm not interested.  The G-2 puts out just enough ink to relieve hand stress, but does not leave so much that it doesn't dry quickly.  Supposedly they use gel ink...but I don't know what this is, nor do I care.  I'd use chicken blood if it meant a high quality pen. (I actually wouldn't use this, and I stand by my PETA brethren to stop the brutal killing of chickens solely for the use of their blood in pens.  If we're going to kill them we should also use the meat on my grill, and donate the feet to worthy poor fortune telling gypsies)

I'm not a pen lid person.  Pen lids were mainly invented to wean kids off of chewing on pencils.  Their purpose is to prevent the ink tip from drying out, but 99% of pen lids are lost or misplaced in the first 3 months of normal use.  Our cosmic pen basket has an equivalent number of pens and lids, but due to government conspiracies, no brand of pen will fit a lid from another brand.  The G-2 has a retractable pen.  Genius.

The girth of the G-2 would make Marky Mark jealous.  You have a comfortable rubber grip to hold, and the pen feels just right in your hand.

There are multiple colors and ink tip sizes.  I prefer black, and an 07 tip.

These are also very affordable.  Most are under 2 bucks a piece.

I'm sure there are ball-point or Zebra elitists who poo-poo the use a such a cheap pen.  Take off the monocle, and put down the cherry-wood pipe.  Nobody can read your terrible handwriting anyway.

I need to bring a couple of these pens home, and dismantle our pen basket before the second big bang occurs.

5 solidly hand-drawn stars.

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Planet of the Apes marathon review

I thought I was going to have to follow the heartbreaking review about firing a friend. Thankfully now I only have to follow a review about earbuds. That makes what I'm about to say much easier...

"Get your stinkin' paws off me, You Damn Dirty Ape!"

A good friend of mine, let's just call him "Justin," celebrated his 31st birthday this past Saturday. His only wish was that we would have a Planet of the Apes marathon, a "Day of the Apes" if you will. After asking my wife if I could waste an entire day watching movies I'd be sure to regret, I conformed to the torture I was in for. Don't get me wrong, I like movies (50 out of 60 of my reviews are movie related). I even like bad movies. (If you haven't seen "The Room" you must watch it now) But I don't like watching multiple bad movies in a row. I have always hated when I hear people say "I just wasted 2 hours of my life!" Get over it. But I think I can honestly say I wasted 8 hours of my life, and not even feel like a hypocrite.

The whole affair was topped off with great food. And by great food I mean snacks that will give you guaranteed diahrea within a half hour. We had Taquitos and Nacho Cheese, Mountain Dew, and sour gummi worms. It's a meal that I like to call "The Slacker's Delight." And to keep with the theme, we had monkey bread. Our depravity knows no bounds. I will proceed to give mini reviews of each movie and the growing senility within me as the hours passed.

The first Planet of the Apes starring Charlton Heston is a pretty decent movie. If I saw it in the 60's I might have been impressed. Sadly now, everything about it is a joke. Basically Heston is an astronaut and crashes onto this planet and becomes a slave on a bizarro world where humans are animals, and the apes are civilized. He tries to escape from his cage at least 8 times. Though I don't know why he would because they caged him with the megababe Nova(Linda Harrison). If I was a chauvinist, I would say she is the perfect woman: Exotic looks, perfect body, and doesn't say a word. But thankfully I wouldn't mention those things because I respect women. Each movie has a underlying social commentary. This movie is all about the unjust dominance of the superior ape species and how poorly they view men/animals. We are introduced to Dr Zaius, who knows the evils of mankind but doesn't want it brought back into light. The two main apes are chimpanzee psychologists/archeologists named Cornelius and Zira. Zira is into beastiality with her not so subtle crush on Heston and eventually helps to free him and get him into the forbidden zone. (and I thought the forbidden zone had to do with getting too comfortable with girls. Ever post needs at least one unecessary sex joke.) The ending of the movie is pretty great especially because of Heston's lines. We blew it up. What a shock! That movie gets 3 stars.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Essentially it is a retread of the first. Heston is only in 5 minutes, so they have a new astronaut who looks exactly like Heston crash onto the planet and do everything from the first movie. Even hook up with Nova. Then he goes to the forbidden zone and that's when things get weird. He and Nova get captured by humans who can communicate with their minds. But these humans are just wearing masks because they are mutated because of nuclear war 2000 years earlier. They all belong to a cult that worships a 1950's nuclear bomb. This movie is all about war destroying everything. Deep. The apes attack the mutants and Heston, Nova, and Heston 2 are caught in the middle. Let's just say that weird things happen with crystals and the bomb goes off completely destroying the Planet of the Apes. Everyone dies. Was that explanation clear enough? 1 Star, barely.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes is entirely on earth during the 70's. Somehow, even though they didn't think flight was possible, Cornelius, Zira, and a new monkey rebuild Heston 2's spaceship and fly back in time. The military is baffled by apes that can talk. They question them harshly and find out that mankind is destined to be slaves to the apes, but Cornelius and Zira manage to win the hearts of the public. There is honestly a good half hour of them going to disco parties. I wouldn't be suprised if they had cameos from Andy Warhol and Truman Capote. But then everything goes awry when the government finds out that Zira is pregnant. They try to kill the baby but Zira puts it in a circus and she and Cornelius end up murdered by a sneaky government official trying to save mankind from a growing ape population. Even though this movie is cheesy, it's still light years better than the second movie. Yet it only gets 2 stars.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes takes place in the distant future of 1991. 7 years ago a plague wiped out every cat and dog on the planet. Mankind, to replace their household pets, took to raising apes, which eventually led to slavery of the ape species. That's plausible, right? Cornelius and Zira's son, Caesar, is very smart and hiding with the owner of the circus(Ricardo Montalban in an understated role). Caesar still has a price on his head and the futuristic governor spends the whole movie searching for him. The weird thing about this movie is that the hundreds of apes shown are humans in costumes (as if it's understandable that's how monkeys look when they age) In other words, they look exactly like Caesar. But then the movie actually shows real chimpanzees in a cage and expect the audience to believe these are actually the same creatures. Caesar is the modern day Frederick Douglas, and vows to free every ape from slavery. He eventually leads a revolt and the movie ends with the apes taking a stand against their oppressors. 2 stars.

There is a final movie "Battle for the Planet of the Apes" in the series but at this point, Justin said "We don't have to watch the 5th movie. It's just too terrible." Too terrible?! Unbelievable! What did he think I had been watching? I just love that all of a sudden he decided he had standards. So sadly(fortunately) we did not finish the series. Though I am a completist and will watch it soon. I can't help it.

The Day of the Apes was a complete waste of a Saturday but somehow I look at it with fond memories. Though that could be because my stomach is still churning from the Tacquitos and Nacho Cheese.

I give the entire day 2 stars!

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