Kirkland Toilet Paper Review

Embossed for your viewing pleasure

In life there are many areas where spending a little money is the really the smartest idea.  Buying things "on the cheap" isn't always the best solution.
Case in point--have you tried anything on Taco Bell's value menu recently?  Craptacular.
Don't skimp on a mattress.  You sleep about a third of your life.  Why would you want to take a free mattress from your aunt, only to find that her 15 year old son who used it was a constant bed-wetter? (or even worse...I mean he is 15)
Don't buy Walmart roses for valentine's.  You'll end up with a wilty mess 24 hours later.
I once bought a "Tag-Heuer" watch from a friendly fellow on a corner in down-town Houston for 20 bucks.  It worked for exactly 6 hours until the hands fell off.  When I went back the next day, he told me he'd take the old one back, and give me a new one for an additional 20 dollars.  Sweet deal.

This brings me to the subject of toilet paper. 
I used to spend a considerable amount of time at a friends home.  His Mom bought the cheapest toilet paper on the planet.  I think it was called "see through soft-wipes."  When the unfortunate occasion arose where I had to drop a deuce in his house, I always dreaded what I called wiping with "60 grit."
Just because it's called an ass-hole doesn't mean we need to treat it like one.

Our family buys the mega-pack of Kirkland toilet paper from Costco.  It is not the cheapest tissue on the planet, but it's also not as expensive as the Charmin at Costco.  It's kind of like choosing the Honda Accord instead of the Cadillac Escalade.

How does the Kirkland paper measure up?  I have a few important categories which measure its effectiveness and quality.  I will compare the Kirkland brand directly to the Charmin "super-soft" that is also in Costco.

Cost:  Kirkland is a little cheaper if you were to actually measure price per linear foot.  I haven't done this, and if I see you in Costco with a calculator running some numbers, I will shove your HP 48G down your throat.

Thickness:  The Kirkland is definitely thinner than the Charmin, but will still keep you from having the dreaded "punch-through."  In fact, the thinner paper will help flushability.  Try getting a million-wiper with the Charmin.  You'll be flushing in phases to get that thick tissue down your sewer pipe.

Softness:  Probably the most important of personal tissue paper qualities.  The Kirkland paper is just soft enough, and the texture has a nice "grab and hold" quality to it.  The Charmin is very soft, but suffers from "paper shred."  After a hearty wipe of the Charmin, you'll have little white paper flakes stuck to areas where paper flakes aren't meant to reside.

Versatility:  Kirkland paper also works well as a nose-tissue.  The lack of "Charmin-like" white paper flakes makes it a good candidate where you can expel any nasal excrement.

Presentation:  Kirkland paper excels at this.  Every single roll of toilet paper is wrapped in paper.  Thus, when you finish your business on the John and find an empty roll of toilet paper, an experience which used to be anxiety-inducing now becomes a treasured moment.  It's like unwrapping a present on Christmas morning.

Summary:  Kirkland toilet tissue is a good value, and does the job well.  It's much better than the no-name paper you'll find in some grocery stores.  I intentionally did not compare Kirkland paper to using a "personal wipe," or what I call a "flushable wet-nap."  These products deserve their own review, and are really the Ferrari of rear-end rust removers.

Kirkland toilet paper wipes out most of the competition on its way to a 4-star rating.

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Kick Ass review

Maybe I should have titled this as Kick A** instead, so as not to offend anyone who hates donkeys. I have a theory about movies with swear words in the title. The theory is simple - (Spoiler alert) That they are awesome!

Last year we were introduced to two great movies in "Drag Me To Hell" and "Inglourious Basterds." These 2 movies even landed in my top 3 movies of last year. Now some might argue that "hell" isn't even a cuss. I might agree with them. They might also say that "basterds" isn't a cuss because it's spelled differently. All I know is that when my wife goes to my mother-in-law's house when I see these movies and tells her what movie I'm at, I am judged accordingly.

Kick Ass is a semi-fringe comic book that was released about two years ago. It was all about an extremely average kid who always wanted to be a super hero, so he got a costume and got his rear end kicked. Along the way he meets some other would be heroes. The movie follows suit.

Like many nerds who saw this movie I got interested when I saw the Hit Girl red-band trailer a few months back. Hit Girl is 12 years old, and although she is not exactly super, you wouldn't know it. She has moves that even Keanu's Neo would be jealous of. She can handle swords, guns, and throwing knives like the best of them. (of who?) Also it doesn't hurt that she swears like a sailor. Her character is what will divide the audience into being offended by the movie or loving it. The scenes of mayhem she is involved in can either make you laugh out loud or cringe due to hardcore violence. Because I am incredibly desensitized, I am on the side of the gut-splitting laughter.

Because the characters are in High School, we are relegated to cliche high school scenes. Yes, they provide a little comic relief but they don't add anything that we haven't seen before. There is a subplot that is laughable but mostly unnecessary in which Kick Ass's alter ego acts gay to get closer to the girl of his dreams. Also because I am a glutton for punishment I have a soft spot for Nicholas Cage. I think he turns in a great performance as Big Daddy, using Adam West-like tones when he's in costume.

My podcast partner described this movie as the Zombieland of the Superhero genre. I completely agree with that statement. Like Zombieland, it is very funny and has great shock value but isn't the greatest movie in the parody genre. I wish Kick Ass could be more like Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, but it does deserve to be mentioned alongside these fantastic movies. Though unlike those movies which are clever all the way through, Kick Ass relies on the shocking action to get laughs and doesn't know how to balance the scenes of drama.

I would recommend this movie to anyone who loves super hero flicks, or to anyone who just loves good action and gunplay. Just don't take your girlfriend or wife unless they can handle 12 year old girls with shotguns. Kick Ass deserves 4 stars.

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Big Sandwich Review

I fancy myself somewhat of an adventurous soul when it comes to dining. I’m a fan of all kinds of food, especially international cuisine. Some of my favs are sushi, bun cha gio (Vietnamese), and even authentic Indian fish head curry (which , yes, includes that monsterous eye). While in Singapore I tried everything under the sun and enjoyed most of it with almost the sole exception being durian fruit. That is some nasty crap. The best way to describe it is a melon that has the texture of liver, the smell of rotten flesh, and the taste of gasoline. How anyone can choke down that stuff is beyond me. I’ll have to address that in another review. I say this to offer some background. So that you know this is coming from someone that doesn’t consider chicken fried steak and country gravy the end-all, be-all of fine dining. That being said, the big sandwich has got to be one of the greatest creations in the history of mankind.

Start it off with a huge loaf of French bread. Mind you, the bread to filler ratio will be way off if you just slice it down the center and pack it with goods. You have to excavate the center section of the loaf to get the proper thickness of those luscious carb cradles. A standard submarine roll just doesn’t off the girth that I prefer. Next, you have to attack each half as if it was its own sandwich. One side gets folded or bunched clumps of beef. Pick roast beef, pastrami, whatever..but it must be of bovine origin and it has to be stacked, never laid flat. Now blanket that meat in a cheese of your choice. I’m a provolone guy, but we have another half so you have other options there too. For the second half you need to remember that the Ying to the beef Yang has got to be turkey breast. (Side note: All meat must be sliced paper thin.) Fold and pile the other half with turkey and drape it with the second cheese. Something a little sharper on this side I think, yeah, let’s hit it with some sharp cheddar.

Don’t think of adding a condiment or veggie yet. Nothing else touches this masterpiece until you throw it under the broiler for a few to get that cheese nice and gooey. It is a binding agent and holds the meat in place during the “pull together” step that is coming up, so it imperative. The bread should get just a little toasted on the outside and edges, but won’t affect that spongy center if you are careful.

Now it is time for some dressing. You can’t pull those two halves together until you build a veggie barrier. Otherwise, you will have 3 full inches of meat and the variety of texture will be nill. Now is the time for the condiments. Keep that oily mayo or Miracle Whip crap away from my sandwich. When I say condiments, I mean mustard, preferably Gulden’s and/or a spicy sauce like Captain Sorensen’s from Firehouse Subs. Then it is on to the veggies. Lettuce, tomatoes, massive slices of dill pickles, and banana peppers need to be evenly layered on both halves. Some words of caution here. Never put tomatoes on pickles without some lettuce or something in between. The coefficient of friction will be way too low and you are bound to get some serious slippage when you bite into this monster. Filling push-out is a constant battle so do the up front work during the building process and you have a much better chance of success.

I have one more ingredient that has caused serious controversy in my family. I also like to add some Ruffles with ridges potato chips in the veggie layer as an added texture piece. I prefer the low fat versions just because they are a little less oily. No other ingredient can add that needed crunch and tomato grip. It seems a little juvenile, but trust me on this one, it is worth the ridicule.

For the “pull together”, you have only got one shot, so make it fluid and commit. Nail the alignment and you are set. Size-wise, this beast should cover the entire plate. If you used any less than a third of a loaf of French bread, you are not in the “Big sandwich” category and should be reading a different review. No lightweights here.

Come on, you have to admit that few things stack up to the big sandwich. It is filling, delicious, comforting and contains everything you need in any meal. It really isn’t even that bad for you if you neglect the shear quantity of grub in your guts. I’ve tried a lot, and when it comes down to it, I love tons of different foods, but if I was stuck with one thing I had to eat every day for the rest of my life, it would definitely be a big sandwich.

Please note that the pictured sandwich above is stock footage and is not representative of the actual sandwich described here.

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Chase Bank Email Alerts Review

Being the financial genius that I am, I find myself forever on the raggedy edge of foreclosure, bankruptcy and complete and utter failure when it comes to money. Needless to say this has caused me a great deal of stress, which has been good for the local Large & Tall Clothing industry (incidentally, I’m only 5’6”), but has not been good for me or my family.

A while back after receiving several Overdraft Fees in a row from Chase Bank, with whom I have enjoyed having a checking account with since they bought out Washington Mutual, I thought I could help remedy this by signing up for their email alerts. It still hasn’t occurred to me that the real solution is to live within my means, but whatever dude, don’t judge me. So I signed up for the email alerts and wanting this to be a success I entered the email address I monitor the most, which is my work email address.


Two weeks ago I had a terrible bout of “I’d rather die than go to work”. Not wanting to die, I missed a day of work. Upon my return I found 3 emails from Chase Bank telling me I was overdrawn. I then realized I had an even better “email” option than my work email address. I went to Chase.com to the email alert area to change my address to my cell phone, so that they could just send me the alerts in the form of text messages.

Once there I realized there were many other things I could have it alert me to other than just being overdrawn. I set it up to tell me when my balance was below a certain level, when ATM withdraws occur, when debits greater than a certain amount occur, and it also gives a daily summary of activity. I thought this would be great.

Now besides overeating, stress also makes it difficult for me to sleep so I found it incredibly annoying when Chase started sending me text messages at 3AM. The first night I got 4 of them between 3AM and 5AM. And the problem is still not solved because what good does the knowledge that you are overdrawn do you at 3AM when the bank doesn’t open till 9AM (and you don’t have any cash to deposit to cover the overdraft anyway but that’s a different matter).

The messages come at irregular times as well. A flurry of them comes in the middle of the night and then nothing for days. I withdraw money from an ATM and I literally don’t have my window rolled up and I get the text message telling me that money had been withdrawn from an ATM. I got one the other day that said I had insufficient funds to cover a debit which for the moment wasn’t true at all so I’m thinking it’s a late one from a couple of weeks ago.

The tone of the messages is starting to get a little creepy as well. “You have insufficient funds”. “Your account is overdrawn”. “You’re a loser.” “We really wish you would consider banking with somebody else”. I have no idea what to make of the ones of gotten in the last 2 days though. “They know”. “They’re laughing at you”. “Show them whose boss”. Needless to say, faster than you can say “Son of Sam” I went and unchecked some of the options in my email alerts.

I think email alerts are a good idea and for that Chase gets 2 stars. They lose a couple of stars for being inconsistent and inconvenient in their delivery. I think Chase is a good bank to bank with so I’ll give them another star. Overall then I give Chase Bank’s Email Alerts 3 Stars. If you’ll excuse me I’m going to go eat a slice of cherry pie (after I spread some peanut butter on it) and hopefully all my financial pains will go away.

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Burger King A1 Steakhouse XT burger Review

In High School, having a thumpin' stereo in your car instantly elevated your social status to somewhere between drop out jock and FFA tough guy. 
As I shared a 1984 Honda Accord hatchback with my sister, investing money in a "system" would have been counter-productive.  I don't think I could bear hearing Debbie Gibson at 130 Db as my sister rounded the corner to our house.
I had a few friends who spent thousands on their "systems."  I explicitly remember a friend who drove a hopped up Suzuki Samurai with every spare inch of space holding some kind of speaker.  I actually think the frame was built out of large speakers.
When we'd head to lunch, he'd pop in Naughty by Nature or a little Sir Mix a lot.  At this point, the chaos would begin.
It was like hitting Omaha beach taking enemy fire.  Noises rushing by you, innards beginning to liquefy from the low-range frequencies, and a rear view mirror that was rendered utterly useless from the vibration.
On this 8 minute ride to taco time, my body took more damage than all the fights I've (almost) been involved in throughout my entire life. (1 and a half for those who are counting)

I loved the concept of the car "system," but did not like the ratio of bass to actual music.  I like the bass...but also like to hear the music.  My Samurai-driving friend was my polar opposite.  If you couldn't hear him coming from 3 blocks away, it was time for an amp upgrade.

Having a really good car "system" is really how I view the Burger King A1 steakhouse XT burger.  The ratio of this bad boy is completely out of whack.

Upon first sight, what's not to like?  Crispy onion-like strands, big hunk of meat, A1 steak sauce, and hold the mayo and tomato.  Actually, the price is what you should dislike.  The small combo is about 7 bucks.  I'll be damned if I'll spend 7 bucks at Burger King for my food.  I gladly used a coupon to buy this combo for under 5 bucks. (I'm not below handing a drive-thru attendant a paper coupon if it will save me at least 1 dollar)

This bad boy burger has some real heft.  I was surprised that Burger King didn't give this burger it's own box, and instead wrapped it in paper.  I kind of feel that the quality of a burger increases 15% just by placing it in a cardboard box.  Needless to say, it's got to weigh at least 8-12 ounces.

The first few bites were actually pleasurable.  The mix of meat, fake onion-bits, and A1 sauce was not altogether terrible.  The fake liquid smoke taste melded well with the fake liquid steak taste in the "meat." (I can see the Burger King designers placing the meat goo into the press to form the burger, and injecting the liquids to simulate real grilled steak burger taste.  A thing of beauty.)

But eventually, the heavy handed beef(like) patty started to become dangerously overpowering.  Each ensuing bite became a marathon of chewing and eye-watering.  It was the Suzuki Samurai all over again.  The ratio of meat to other stuff was far too much, and I threw away the final third of the burger.
I'm no light-weight, but the thought of eating another one of these quasi-meat patties again conjures up raw negative emotions.

In retrospect, I should have known better.  I have previously eaten one of McDonald's Angus burgers with similar results. (although they served theirs in a cardboard box)  I shouldn't be buying Naughty by Nature when I'm more of a Foo Fighters kind of guy.

2 stars for initial palate pleasure and the ability to feel like I "won" by using a coupon. 

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Muse concert review

The lights go down, 20,000 emo-lite teens scream. On the stage there are 3 skyscrapers. In unison, lights start flickering. As each skyscraper window is brightly lit, the lights turn into carbon copies of men walking up stairs to the top of the buildings. These men reach the top as one by one they slowly fall to their end and knock the others down like dominoes. As this happens the walls of the skyscrapers rise, showing the band as the prog-rock demigods they are.

Muse is nothing if not indulgent. And that's not a bad thing.

I must qualify this review by saying that I'm a huge fan of Muse. I was there, on the floor soaking every second up. You think that after 4 Muse concerts in the last 4 years would turn a guy off. I previously reviewed their latest cd "The Resistance." You can find it through using the keyword "muse." (who doesn't want to read a 7 month old cd review?) In short I think the cd is amazing. I would almost say near perfect. The only song I skip is track 5. Thankfully they did not play track 5 at the show.

In this review I plan to comment both on the actual show and my viewing experience.

So I always want to stand for concerts in the GA area. The only positive to this is actually being closer to the stage. There are so many negatives to doing this. First off, standing for 3-4 hours is only acceptable if I'm waiting to rent a movie at redbox or trying to get my drivers license renewed. Second, what is up with the cloud of hot breath that floats over the floor at rock concerts? It's like a sauna of large pretzel stink and marijuana smoke. Also, why the h@ll do people have to go past me when they are trying to get closer to the stage? Do they think to themselves "Hey, we're packed like pickled sardines in here, maybe I'll try to scoot past that awkwardly handsome guy there..."

Also, what is up with short girls in GA? I'm fairly tall (see also; freakish) and I have a conscience, so when short girls have to stand behind me viewing the back of my shirt instead of the show, I take pity on them. I don't want to have to feel bad for people! I'm supposed to be rocking out! Then somehow in bitter irony, I happen to be standing behind some dude who is taller than me! What is this a Ripley's Believe It Or Not convention? I either stand behind him or the guy holding his overflowing beer cup, threatening to douse me with every head bang. The last thing I want to complain about and certainly the least, I like to rock out, sing-along (yes I'm that guy), and dance. That doesn't work out so well when it's a pickle party on the floor. Nothing worse than humpin' guys. (Don't judge me, it's happened to us all in GA)

Back to Muse. As expected, they played nearly half of their latest album. I was pleased to hear United States of Eurasia (1984 reference) while video of oppressive and corrupt governments were displayed(i.e. Hitler, the U.N., and even Obama). The show, much like the resistance album, had a huge 1984 feel to it. Cameras and eyes were prominently shown on the screens. Even the giant balloons filled with confetti were giant eyeballs. For anyone who has not read George Orwell's classic book, I highly recommend you do it now.

Of course they played the fan favorites: Starlight, Time is Running Out, Knights of Cydonia, and Supermassive Black Hole. I felt the highlights of the concert were their rendition of Feeling Good, New Born, and Unnatural Selection. Though they did transition the songs with heavy riffs, even playing some Hendrix and the Star Spangled Banner. The sound quality at the E Center was surprisingly great for an arena. Their songs sounded cd quality or sometimes better. Suffice it to say, they put on a good show.

If I have any gripes with the show it's that they didn't play any songs from their first cd, nor did they play a personal favorite of mine "Butterflies and Hurricanes." Also, it seemed like a shorter show. They did manage to pack a lot of rockin' into this show, but when a concert is over at 10, I am left wanting a little more. They hardly spoke to the audience, but I am all right with that, it was no talk, just rock.

All gripes aside, it really was an experience. One of the greatest concerts I've seen! I really feel that even people who don't know Muse well would even enjoy the whole event. Just be ready to spend 40 bones.

I hereby give Muse 5 stars for rocking my socks off.

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Shamu Review

I had planned a family vacation for almost a year and happened to be at Sea World San Diego to see the Shamu show a few weeks after the death of Dawn Brancheau. She was the trainer that was drowned by a different killer whale at Sea World. After a short time of cancelling the Shamu show “Believe” at all locations, I was happy to see that it was back on the schedule by the time we got there. Like most, showing our little ones the massive acrobats was on the top of our list and we would have been very disappointed to not have seen it.

Now I have been to Sea World before, but it was 25 years ago and it is less than a vivid memory. I do, however, remember distinctly the trainers in the water with the whales and them riding on their back and jumping off of their noses. It was remarkable to see the interaction between the humans and these giants. In fact, I think that was kind of the point of the show. This time, however, the show was changed. Nobody went in the water with the whales, the interaction was limited to throwing some fish in their maws and some slapping of the water. They did their jumps, spins, and “Shamu slammed” the audience fulfilling the promise of the “Soak Zone”, but the feel was a little different. It seemed more distant and more like the circus where they glue a bear’s feet to the pedals of a bike and make him ride the tightrope while wearing a dunce cap and a vest. Hilarious, I know, but not so much an interaction between man and beast as a furry tub of guts doing party tricks for some kibble. Not much different than the “Pirate Daddy” routine I do for my kid’s birthday parties, but I digress.

I won’t go so far as to equate the bear and the whale here, but I do think the separation has hurt the show. It is also obvious that while the trainers want to remain safe, they spend years with and love these monsters. They want to be in the tank with them. They know the dangers better than anyone and accept that the day they put on the wet suit. Of course, Sea World will have to make new rules to show the public that everyone is completely safe, but let’s get real, they are KILLLER whales. Day after day, year after year of interaction, somebody is going to get hurt, it is going to happen. They have ridiculous power and it doesn’t take much to rag-doll a person when you weigh 3 tons, just ask Brock Lesnar. Take Siegfried…or Roy, whichever one learned the hard way that Tigers aren’t just oversized pussy cats. A good friend used to tell me “The best dynamite man in country is nicknamed ’Lefty’”. You can’t do something dangerous every day of your life and not have an accident, but that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be allowed to make that choice.

Don‘t get me wrong here, my kids and I loved the show and the immense training was obvious. The animals were amazing. I’m sure my kiddies will never know that the show used to include people and whales interacting in an entirely different way. So we were still very entertained. That being said, Sea World, please let your trainers do what they are there to do, and have spent their lives doing. Have them sign a waver and get back in that tank. I know Dawn would want it that way.

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The Cat In The Hat Comes Back Review

I did not like The Cat in the Hat Comes Back
I found it extremely boring.
It went on and on and on
And left this reader snoring.


But I’m getting ahead of myself
And for this I apologize,
For the ending of my review came first
I suddenly did realize.

I love reading to my children
Everything from that kid Potter,
To the Princesses of Disney
(they don’t come any hotter).

But a special place in my heart doth
the tales of Dr. Seuss reside,
My enthusiasm for their prose
Is one I cannot hide.

Green Eggs and Ham, the Fox in the Box,
Oh the Places You’ll Go, The Cat In the Hat,
One cannot beat children’s literature
With awesome titles like that.

So what a dismal surprise it was to me
That The Cat in the Hat Comes Back,
Was the worse kind of drivel
Like the adventures of Jill and Jack.

Halfway through this ponderous read
I begged my 7-year old daughter for mercy,
“Let’s read something else instead” I cried
“NO” she replied quite tersely.

I tried to skip paragraphs and pages
Anything to make the pain stop faster.
But she was too sly for these attempts
I can’t get anything past her.

But finally the last page was turned
And I sat this pathetic book down.
How could Dr. Seuss produce such drivel
I silently pondered with a frown.

It ruined a treasured story
The very icon of Dr. Seuss.
For the Cat in the Hat was awesome
Move over Mother Goose.

But with its title alone I’m sure
The Cat in the Hat Came Back,
Was a guaranteed top-seller
Another to add to their stack.

But let me warn you all
loud and clear,
Away from this schlock
you should steer.

You should not read it in a box
You should not read it with a fox
You should not read it on a train
You should not read it in the rain
You should not read it here or there
You should not read it anywhere

In short I feel I must say:
I did not like The Cat in the Hat Comes Back,
And I sincerely hope more than anything else
That the writer of it was sacked.

So to the awarding of rating stars
I do now humbling turn,
And award this tome the stars
That it so rightfully did earn:

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