Home Theater Review

Two years ago we decided to upgrade from our 24” Sony Wega TV to a Plasma Screen TV. After an exhaustive search of the internet and reading literally hundreds of reviews we decided that Panasonic was the brand to get. Our budget was such that we could get a 50” screen but only a 720P. The decision was made and the day had come and I was all set to buy it at Costco when a good friend of mine rushed over to my desk and said, “Have you bought that TV yet?” I replied that I hadn’t. He then told me to go to Frys.com.

There on the homepage of Frys.com was the exact same TV I was going to buy for the exact same price except it was the 1080P version. Same price, and free shipping. Let me tell you I was 100% satisfied with my entire shopping experience with Frys.com. From the communication from them to the quick and free delivery I was very impressed. Frys.com is a ReviewSpew All-Star!

I ended up getting the Panasonic TH-50PZ77U 50” 1080P Plasma HDTV. It cost $1,599.00 Being two years old it’s probably pointless to review the TV except to say we have been impressed with the quality of it. Both the sound and picture are fantastic and there are plenty of connections on the back to add whatever your heart desires and an easy to use remote control. It weighs about 5,000 pounds, but so do all Plasma Screen TV’s. It’s also very slim, sticking out from the wall only 6 inches. It does loose a star because in less than a year one of the HDMI inputs went out on it. That did not present a problem for me personally but does speak of the overall reliability of the system. It gets 4 Stars.

Knowing the violent tendencies of my kids I knew that although the TV came with a very stout base to sit on, it would be best to mount it to the wall. For this we chose the Peerless ST660 Tilt Wall Mount. Please go to their website and choose carefully as they have a bagillion different models depending on what TV you have. The price was more than decent at $81.57. It was extremely easy to mount to the wall and to the TV and has been really easy to use since. It has a decent range of tilt allowing you to access the connections on the TV, and it didn’t add very much to the total thickness of the TV. After two years, I’ve never had a problem with it, and is hereby declared a ReviewSpew All-Star!

Being a radically different TV setup required a different type of entertainment system. I actually started out by drawing a rough sketch of what would be the ideal entertainment system for what I was planning to hook to the Plasma Screen TV and then set out to find it online. I found the perfect one at Officefurniture.com. They have a huge selection of merchandise with great prices and great customer service. I definitely would buy from them again. They get 4 Stars.

I ended up with an Entertainment Center built by Sauder. Like all Sauder furniture it required assembly. I have assembled several things from Sauder in my adult life, and have been extremely impressed with the cleverness of their engineering, clearness of their instructions and quality of their products. This baby was no exception. It has stood the test of time and the violence inflicted upon it by my children. It still looks great, works great and is just awesome. Sauder is a ReviewSpew All-Star!

Of course we’re still using rabbit ears and at the time the network TV digital conversion was looming so we bought a digital antenna. The first was the Philips PHDTV1 Silver Sensor UHF/HDTV Digital Indoor Antenna which cost $22.99 (Attenna on the left below). Easy as any set of rabbit ears to install but would not pick up our local Fox station. Completely frazzled with everything else that went into setting the whole Home Theater up, I was content to not have Fox, but I did miss the entire 7th season of 24. Because of that little factoid right there, I give this antenna zero stars.

The Digital transition occurred and American Idol was coming up so my wife insisted a rectify this problem so I went through a two week ordeal whereby I would stop at Walmart on my way to work, buy an antenna, come home after work, hook it up, try every conceivable angle and position only to have the exact same problem, so I would box it up and return it to Walmart on my way to work the next morning and buy a different one. I think I went through 4 antennas this way. Walmart rocks and are considered a ReviewSpew All-Star!

I finally ended up getting a Philips MANT940 UHF Digital and Analog Indoor/Outdoor Antenna for $21.51.(Attenna on the right above). It has great reception, was easy to install, and was actually one of the cheapest antennas I tried. It does mount to the outside of the house, but has a very slim profile and is hardly noticeable. I give it 4 stars.

I’ve probably owned 6 or 7 different DVD players from Philips. I buy them because a) they are normally the cheapest ones at Walmart and b) they play any format of movie, song or image (DivX, MP3, WMA and JPEG digital camera photos, CD, (S)VCD, DVD, DVD+R/RW, DVD-R/RW). This helps if you have lots and lots of “non-tradition” movie formats, which I won’t go into here. The problem is almost every single one I’ve bought over the years breaks down within a year (that’s why I have bought so many). The last two would freeze up whenever I was playing a DivX formatted movie on a DVD-R. Really the only reason you would buy this system is for this purpose and since it doesn’t work, all of Philips DVD players get zero stars.

Tired of complaining that it “Hurts when I do this” I decided to stop doing it, and bought a PC that I could connect to my TV and could play my movies directly from it rather than copying them over to DVD-Rs. I ended up with a Dell Studio 540s Slim Tower with Intel Core 2 Quad processor Q8300 (4MB L2, 2.5GHz, 1333FSB). Not sure what any of the crap means except that it’s totally awesome. I bought it from Dell’s Outlet store online which rocks. The whole systems sells at their regular site for about $1,000, and I got it for $550. That includes a Blu-Ray drive as well. At first the HDMI out did not work on it, but after 30 minutes with Dell’s on-line Chat Tech Support it was working like a champ and I haven’t had a problem since. Very impressed with Dell’s website, their tech support and their PC. They loose 1 star because they use a super-bright white LED to light up their power button on the front. It’s like having a laser beam pointing into your eye the whole time you’re watching TV. Dell gets 4 Stars.

In addition to the DVD player and the PC, we also have an X-Box, a Playstation 2 and a Wii hooked up to the TV. No point in reviewing those except to say they’re awesome. But I mention those to mention the fact that I have about a thousand miles of cable running through my wall to and from my TV. That stuff doesn’t come cheap, but I did find a site where you definitely want to go for all your cable needs. MonoPrice.com. I couldn’t believe how awesome their prices were even compared to Walmart and other discount stores. And this is not cheaply made stuff either; all very high quality cables. MonoPrice.com is a ReviewSpew All-Star.

Of course now that I have a PC hooked up to the TV I need a wireless mouse and keyboard that will allow me to use it from the comfort of my couch. My first attempt at this was the Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Desktop 7000. I picked this one because it claimed to have a good long range on the wireless aspects of it. This is not true. It lost signal after only 8-10 feet. The other problem I had with it is its ginormous. The keyboard is bigger than one of those clicky IBM keyboards from the 80’s. It takes up so much room and is just an eye-sore in our front room. The mouse is also large. It’s unlike any mouse I’ve ever seen. It’s bulbous. It took me 3 months to figure out why I couldn’t let go of it yet felt uncomfortable holding it around my children. It feels like a boob; a well-endowed female boob. I mean C-cup at least if not D-cup. It’s weird. It also lost it’s connection within 8-10 feet and wouldn’t work on any ol’ surface. It wanted a tradition mouse pad. Anything that feels like a boob gets at least 1 star, but since it sucked in all other respects I can only give this wireless duo 1 Star.

This leads to the final thing I’m going to review which is the Logitech diNovo Mini. This thing is wicked cool. It’s small and easy to use. I’ve walked into other rooms and it doesn’t loose connection. It looks awesome and has a good design. It’s the perfect solution if you have a PC hooked to your TV. It is a little pricey at $120 but well worth it. It runs off of a rechargeable battery that they claim lasts up to 1 month, but that’s a damn dirty lie. The longest we’ve gotten is 7 days, but that is still very impressive and it just requires you plug it in before going to bed 1 night a week. No big deal. Since we’ve got it I’ve notice it used in TV programs. Starbuck uses it in this season of 24, as does that super hot babe in Chuck, so it must be good. I certify is a ReviewSpew All-Star!

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Better than Sex Cake Review

 

After my wife bought all her own presents for her birthday, I needed to score a passing grade on this special day, and decided to make her birthday cake.  I'm fairly adept in the kitchen.  I've been known to rustle up some mean scrambled eggs, a hearty totino's pizza, and some delicious toaster strudels. (I freaking love toaster strudels)
I looked in the pantry, and found a yellow cake mix.

Just what my wife wanted--a yellow cake with store-bought frosting.  FAIL.

I knew I had to step it up.  I needed to pull out the big guns.  That's when it hit me--I could show her what a real man could do in the bedroom later that evening, and she'd forget about the yellow cake.  FAIL.

She didn't want sex.  She wanted something better than sex.  I rattled through my mind of all the things she'd like better than sex for a good idea.
I could clean the bathrooms, empty the dishwasher, put the kids to bed, leave her alone for at least 2 hours, or...I could make my special Better than Sex Cake!

This is a delicious concoction of chocolate, caramel, whip cream, and sugar overdose.  I mean this is really delicious.

Here's the basics if you want to make it. (really easy)
Cook a regular devil's food cake in a 9X13 pan.
When cooked, poke a bunch of small holes into the cake almost down to the pan.
While the cake is still warm, pour about 10-14 oz's of sweetened condensed milk over the cake.
Follow this with about 6-8 oz of caramel ice cream topping.
These should ooze down into the holes in the cake, and make a nice layer of sugar for all future diabetics.
Let cake cool completely.
Top with a thin layer of whip cream, and then crumble a couple Heath candy bars on top.

This cake is delicious, but very sweet.  A few pieces of this will add a hearty layer of fleshy goodness around your waist.  Enjoy!
The cake was a hit for her birthday, and it even better as leftovers the next few days.

I do have a complaint about the title of this cake.  I mean---really?? Better than SEX cake??  Obviously a woman named this.  Any man who chooses cake over sex has serious issues.  The proper thing to do is think about cake WHILE having sex.

Is the cake VERY good?  Yes!
Is it better than sex?  No!

I think the male version of this cake would be more aptly named one of the following:
Better than sex with yourself cake.
Better than paying for sex cake.
Better than Cinemax sex cake.
Almost better than the sex scene in Top Gun cake. (Some things witnessed by a 10 year old can never be washed away)
Better than Sex in the City cake.

I give the cake a sweet 4-star rating.  The name alone docks it a star.

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Out of State Work Training review

My last review was about working at a bank that was getting shut down by the Federal Reserve. That leaves me unemployed. That makes my wife angry and she calls me names. That makes me cry. So I needed a job...fast! So here I am, now employed by an unnamed sales company who doesn't have any clue that I have no experience in sales.

Not to worry about inexperience though, because before I ever start the job they send us to Seattle for job training. They put us up in a pretty good hotel, have given us a good per diem, they even gave me a free backpack. Sounds good so far right? It would be...if I didn't have to be here for a month. Yes, 31 days! That might not sound so bad, except I'm worried that I'll get back to a 9 month old daughter who doesn't recognize me from Adam (you know, from the Bible).

I spend the majority of my days here in class. It goes from 8 to 5. It is basically the longest day of school 5 days a week. I hate to admit this but I think I have done more homework here than I ever did in a semester of college. The trainer is actually pretty lively, which makes a huge difference because when the HR director comes in to talk to us about our benefits I have to put sugar in my eyes to stay awake. Let's not forget about the local union rep with the monotone lecture about the "benefits" of paying dues to a union. (Is it just me or is it a requirement to be a lesbian vegan to be a union rep?)

I sit on the back row next to a southern black woman, and a 50 year old bald man (skinhead) on the other side. I don't know how it happened but I have become a sounding board for the two of them. On my left I get a barrage of "Oh Lord. Oh Lord. This class is so boring, how am I gonna make it through the day. Oh Lord Jesus." Then to my right the skinhead keeps whispering dirty jokes and stares at me until I suffer from forced fits of laughter. I can set my watch to it. Every 5 minutes he will lean over and whisper a dirty joke that I won't be able to hear. I ask "what was that?" Then for some reason he lowers the volume of his voice and repeats the same inaudible joke. Because I hate asking "what?" more than once, I have to give the courtesy laugh, nod my head, and say "Ha, there ya go!" This training might actually be good to teach me selling skills if I didn't have to put up with a habitual prayer on my left and a joke about a nun not getting to heaven on my right.

As a side note, every trainee was given a squishy ball (a.k.a. stress ball) to squeeze when the information was getting to be too much. I used mine for the first two days but was surprised to find that the woman to my left had taken my ball and was rotating two stress balls in one hand. Let me repeat. She was handling two balls in her hand. I was immediately uncomfortable and even more so when she was performing her stress act and telling me that she needed two to really calm her down. She then put my ball back on my desk. Listen lady, you can keep it. Around every hour she repeats her rotating of the balls.

The hotel is pretty nice and the group I'm training with is half-decent. I'm in the small minority of non-drinkers in the group and I honestly can't believe how much drinkers talk about getting drunk. No matter what conversation I have with them turns into one about drinking. For example -

Me: Are we all going to do Karaoke tonight?
Louse: Only if I get wasted first!

Me: How do you think you did on the quiz?
Alky: No matter what, I'm gonna need a beer.

You get the picture. I could go on but I will spare you. Let me just say that being away from family and actual friends sucks. Being in class all day is the worst. I would give work training out of state zero stars but the per diem my company gives me is over 70 bucks a day! This month has been redeemed by spending cash.

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The New Domino's Pizza Review

I like Little Caesar’s Pizza. I love Totino’s Party Pizzas. I even enjoy those pizza Lunchables where you have a round cracker and you spread that ketchupy sauce on it then a pepperoni or two and then some cold shredded cheese. So when I say that Domino’s Pizza tasted like something a billy goat would throw up, re-eat and throw up again, then you know it must be bad.

I was then surprised by the recent “Ya, we really did suck but now we don’t” ad campaign that Domino’s Pizza has going on. How refreshing it is to see some honesty in advertising. The whole campaign is a stroke of genius. Admit your epic failures and then ask people to give you another chance. If the pizza is indeed good, as they claim, then they should do very well.

I was still unwilling to touch it with a 10 foot pole. No way, no way, no way. I then found myself at a church pot-luck all-you-can-eat soup social (I couldn’t possibly make something like that up – it really happened), and despite 40 different varieties of stew, gruel and slop I just couldn’t bring myself to try any. I then found myself in the church parking lot at 8:30 at night, starving to death and staring across the street at the Domino’s Pizza which was advertising Large Ready-to-go Pepperoni pizzas for only $4.99. OK, I’ll give it a go.

I was instantly disappointed to discover that the pizza was square. I can’t stand square pizzas. It just seems unnatural. Kind of like that time in college, with your roommate (Matt you know what I mean), but I digress. What should be round is square and for that Domino’s loses a star. Oh, they have round pizzas too, but the $4.99 special is square.

It smelled good all the way home. It looked good. It felt good to the touch. It sounded good too in that it didn’t make any noise. The only thing worse than square pizza is noisy pizza so it gets one star for that. This leaves just one last sense; taste. My first bite tasted really, really good. I was instantly surprised and pleased. Such flavor I didn’t think possible from Domino’s. I devoured my first square slice, then a second. Still good, but I started to notice something. That flavor seemed to have a cumulative effect and midway through slice number three it was starting to not be all that great. Midway through slice four, I had finally had enough. I wasn’t full, I just couldn’t eat any more of it.

If Domino’s flavor had a mental disease it definitely would be Bi-polar disorder. First it was completely depressed and deprived of all taste, now it’s bouncing off the walls giddy with an overabundance of spices, seasonings, and what not. It’s called Lithium. Domino’s, maybe you should look into it. Extremes make me nervous and I don’t like food that makes me nervous so they lose a star for that.

All and all, Domino’s has moved up a level in the world of fast food pizza. It’s now on par with Little Caesars. I would still prefer Totino’s Party Pizzas any day of the week. I will eat at Domino’s again if made convenient enough. I suppose they deserve a star for that. If my math skills are still what they once were that means I give Domino’s New and Improved Pizza three stars, and as a side note I have to admit I really don’t like those Pizza Lunchables. I’m not 6 for heaven’s sake.

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Brutal Legend Video Game Review

I am not a huge video game guy. In actuality, I haven’t spent more than a couple hours per week playing any video game in the last 15 years. So for you avid gamers, keep that in mind when reading this review. I just recently picked up an Xbox 360 with a bushel of games from a buddy and have been getting used to the platform. Now that I have a current game system, my options have opened up and I have had the opportunity to get in on some of the more graphic intensive games that most of you have been playing for years now. One of the first on my list of must play games was Brutal Legend. This is Jack Black’s first attempt at a video game. The recipe: guitar thrashing music, high voltage rock, and medieval love of violence and Hellish creatures.

I didn’t know much about the game except the Jack Black element, and that was enough to pull it off the shelf. Jack Black is my hero, and Tenacious D speaks to my soul. Therefore, I am happy to say that if you are a fan of his type of rude humor particularly as it pertains to his music, then this video game will not disappoint. Jack is a Roady that gets transported to a mythological satanic kingdom where he electrifies Hellspawn with blazing guitar solos and dashes them to goreish pieces with an enormous battle axe. What more could you want? Cameo’s by rock legends like Ozzy and Lemmy Kilmeister? Check. Face melting guitar solos? Check. Gut Busting drums? Check. Off color humor and tongue-in-cheek mockery of an age of Rock that pays homage to an era of kick-ass music that has sadly been replaced by pop chants that wouldn’t know guitar distortion if it fell out of the sky, landed on their faces, and started to wiggle? Whew that was a mouthful….anyhow, yeah there is plenty. Finally, and most importantly, no Dave Mathews, at all, ever.

Game play is fun and although I’ve only had it a week or so, it is what I would expect from Jack. The Headbanger and Groupie characters are hilarious and I thoroughly enjoy the various kick-ass rides that get you from one side of Hell-world to the other. Visually, I think the cartoonish comic book style well suites the story, so no complaints there. Also, as I am a slow player, I don’t know how long the actual game is as I have not yet finished, so there could be issues with longevity. I can say however, that so far, it has been a blast and my wife has even enjoyed the story and watching me play.

This is definitely a mature title but as a side note, you can turn off the foul language if you want. I don’t recommend doing that however, if you want to stay true to Jack. It just seems funnier it it’s raw form, but then again, nothing really offends me. Ultimately, I guess I am saying that this probably won’t win game of the year, but it is better than most games. I think it is definitely worth a rental, and probably the full purchase price. So go grab your axe and let’s “melt some faces”!

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The Worst cooks in America TV show on Food Network Review

It was late at night.  The kids were asleep, and the wife was busy on the computer.  I was all alone watching TV.  Instantly, the deepest of my carnal desires rose to the surface.  "She'll be busy for quite some time," I tell myself, flipping the channels on the remote...getting closer to my release.
I reach the channel...turn the volume down for privacy, and sink into the most decadent form of entertainment known to man---Food Network.

So what?  I watch Food Network all the time.  I'm a portly fellow, and watching drizzling peanut sauce next to a piece of swordfish excites me beyond belief.  Some men waste time on skinemax, or countless minutes in front of the computer.  My heart lies elsewhere.  Yeah---my ultimate dream is to be a food critic.

As I settled in for an enjoyable time, hoping to see fried chicken or Reuben sandwiches, I was disappointed as the channel was currently showing "Worst cooks in America."  I almost quickly turned it to skinemax, but the show intrigued me. 
They had a bunch of the worst cooks I've ever witnessed.  To be completely honest, they were horrible.  I didn't realize some people had no idea how to cook fish sticks.

Let me give a brief background on the show.

Terrible cooks were nominated by family/friends to join the show, which were to be mentored through the process by 2 proffesional chefs.  Chef Anne and Chef Beau.  Chef Anne looks like Zsa Zsa Gabor touching a live electrical source, and Beau spells him name like a douche.
Over 10 days, there were 2 teams led by each chef, and the terrible cooks were to complete cooking challenges.  Each episode, a person from each team was kicked off by the chefs.
By the end of the show, only 2 losers remained to cook a 3-course meal for professional food critics.

I'm sure this sounds just like any stupid reality show.  In fact...it is.  Tears when kicked off.  Annoying speaking montages throughout the show.  Cut to commercials right before anything interesting happens.
But---it's actually quite interesting to see the progress these losers make.  Oh yeah...did I mention Rachel?
Scoring a quality 10 on the unintentional creepy scale is Rachel.  She is one of the creepy/most annoying/scary people I've ever seen in my life.  Every time I saw her, I flashed back to something in my past that I can't quite put my finger on---but damn is she scary.  Check her out below.  She's a perfect mix of Molly Shannon playing "Superstar", Thelma from Scooby Doo, and one of those scary sisters on "The Shining."  She's like a car crash...you can't help but look.  She may be the anti-Christ.

I'm going to drop a spoiler here, but I figure that nobody really watched this show, so who cares.  Creepy Rachel and goth-Jenny competed in the finale for the $25,000 prize.  I don't want to spell out exactly who won, but let's just say that the anti-Christ grows more powerful every day.

This show was a guilty pleasure, and I'm ashamed of giving it a delicious 3-star rating.

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Post-Apocalyptic Movie Review

I was in the mood the other day for a scary movie that I could watch with my teenagers and wife. I watched the trailer for Carriers and thought “That’ll do the trick”. There were some good jumps and scares here and there but all and all the movie was more depressing than scary. The trailer gives you the impression it’s a zombie movie. It is not. This movie is also cursed with what I call the 90210-factor. From the cover of the DVD you can see the main characters all wearing masks that they’ve drawn faces on. Why would they draw faces on them you may ask yourself. It’s simple. They’re teenagers and they’re hip and they’re cool and that’s what teenagers do. However, there is no room for teenage angst in the post-apocalyptic world. Megalomaniacal ex-copier repair men? Yes. Teenagers with a chip on their shoulder? No. Poor acting by most of the cast, a ponderous script and predictable ending and yes, those goofy faces they drew on their face mask forces me to give this movie 2 Stars. One noticeable exception to the all of the above is the solid performance by Law and Order: SVU’s Christopher Meloni. I hope we see him in more movies. I only hope they’re better than this one.

The next leg of my journey through the post-apocalyptic ruins is The Book Of Eli starring Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman. This is from the same ilk of movies as The Road Warrior. You remember The Road Warrior don’t you? Post-apocalyptic thugs going around in cars and motorcycles in a desperate search for gas. What about Waterworld? Post-apocalyptic thugs going around on jet skis in a desperate search for land. I suppose you can be forgiven for not remembering The Postman which was post-apocalyptic thugs going around on horseback in a desperate search for mail or something like that, I never quite figured it out. Well now we have post-apocalyptic thugs going around in cars, on motorcycles (hell I even think there was a row boat in there somewhere) in a desperate search for a book. A smarter person would say something about how this movie explores the duality of the purpose of religion to be used for good or evil based on the designs of those in charge of said religion. My real opinion is this movie really didn’t bring anything new to the genre. I don’t know about you but I’m also very tired of seeing Gary Oldman playing a bad guy. There was some stylistic action scenes but nothing special. All and all I give the movie 3 Stars.

To round out this review I thought The Road would be a logical choice. The problem was I hadn’t seen the movie and based on what I saw in the preview I didn’t want to see it either. I read the book that the movie is based on and I loved it. In the book it was heavily implied that a nuclear war caused the end of the world. The best I could tell from the preview they had decided to make a liberal propaganda film out of it and say it was global warming that caused the end of the world. I was fully prepared to review the film without having seen it and give it a big fat zero. However, here at Review-Spew.com ethics, integrity and honesty are more than mere words; they are the hallmark of all the work we do to bring you, our readers, the very best possible reviews. With that in mind, I downloaded an illegal copy of The Road and watched it. I was completely wrong about a lot of things. They stuck to the nuclear war back-story. In fact they stuck to the book very closely. This was an amazing movie. It was not an action movie nor was it even very entertaining, but I still really, really liked it. Look for a small role from Robert Duvall. It’s probably his best performance. If you decide to watch it, ask yourself whether it’s immoral to behave immorally if you do it to protect what could very well be the last innocent thing in the world. Or I suppose you could ask yourself whether it was really necessary to show Viggo Mortensen’s junk swinging around like some grotesque fleshy pendulum. I don’t know the answer to the first question but the answer to the second is a resounding “Hell No” Since they felt the need to do it anyway, the movie loses 1 star earning itself a total of 4 stars.

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