Tattoo Review

I admittedly am no one to speak on fashion trends or hipness. The very fact that I use the word “hipness” puts me in a whole separate category of lame all to my own. So when I see Justin Bieber with his stupid 70’s shag swept down over his face like an unkempt terrier, I can deal with it. He is young, his fans are too, they are trying to create their own style by stealing from the past, I get it. What I don’t get is this new trend for everyone and their granddaughter to get tattooed. Nobody seems to remember that these things are permanent. They don’t go away. Ever.

Now fellas, I expect this short sightedness and impulsiveness from you. You have been doing stupid things in the name of masculinity and bravado since the beginning of time. Thousands of you die every year trying to jump a fire pit or push your Trans Am past the 6500 RPM mark. If you cascade your attempts to impress and your evolutionary fate, you’re pretty much doomed. You try to mask your natural hideousness with things like baggy pants, steroid inflated pecs, and when all else fails, permanent marker. Ok, you weren’t given much to work with from the man upstairs. Packing the disgustingness that is a scrote gives you a pass on at least one of the for mentioned mistakes. But ladies, ladies..what are you thinking? I see gorgeous shoulders draped in stupid Celtic symbols that mean nothing to you because you are Jewish. Slender napes of neck strangled with blue-green ivy and reptile scales, yet you don’t work for Barnum or Bailey. Smooth upper backs drowned in Chinese calligraphy that you wouldn’t recognize if it was in a book in front of you. (It does appear backward in the mirror you know). I don’t get it, at all.

So here are a few guidelines that should be implemented, as I see it, if we want to prevent a little regret in people’s lives. I prefer not wearing my regrets in stamp form, but to each his own.

1. As I see it, there are only 2 reasons to EVER get a tattoo.

a. You lost someone close and want a constant reminder of them every day when you look in the mirror. Have at it, makes sense.

b. You are a warrior, having been through military hell putting your life on the line for others. If you have been in a foxhole, you have a complete pass as you are part of a group for which I have mad respect but no knowledge.

2. Tattoo shops should be required by law to do a sobriety test prior to throwing ink. Since they are not, put that on your wingman’s list along with “don’t let me bang the chick with open sores on her mouth” and “don’t let me defecate in public”.

3. If you weigh over 400lbs and have any hope of ever coming back to human weight, don’t do it. Deflated balloon, need I say more?

4. If you are under 30 years old, please try to consider the fact that your 20’s are not a good time to make, really any long term decisions. Divorce can erase your bad marriage. What is going to erase that “Theater of Pain” Motley Crue tat?

5. If you are under 20 years old and you are getting full sleeves, I can’t really help you. You missed some hugs from mommy or got the wrong kind from daddy. The probability of you contributing to our tax base is pretty low as it is and I’m fairly safe in saying that you’re not really a planner.

6. If you own more than 1 pair of shoes, don’t get a tat. Your shoe décor is probably the safest part of your wardrobe to never change without people calling you out for being a freak. If you think you may ever want to change the style of your shoes for any reason, why do you think you would be happy with the same tattoo forever?

Now I know that very few people share my opinion of this fad..yes, it is a fad, just like teen lesbianism and Scientology. Talk to me in 20 and if you don’t regret getting it, well, who cares what the rest of that statement is, because EVERYONE regrets getting them. That being said, I do have some advice for the type of tat you should sport after ignoring the first half of this drivel.

1. Never pick pop culture references under 25 years old. Please see Motley Crue reference above. Betty Boop has been a timeless and classy whore for generations, consider her instead.

2. If you are unlearned in Asian script, art, or culture..don’t get an Asian tat.

3. A koi fish is not for everyone. 90% of you don’t even know what a koi fish is or what it represents. I once caught a 200 pounder..but I digress.

4. Don’t pick something out of a book on the spur of the moment. Coming up with a deep meaning for your “Linda Blair” tat may not be as easy as you think.

5. Razor wire doesn’t make your biceps look bigger.

6. Tramp stamps don’t make your ass look smaller.

7. Not every tattoo artist can pull off a portrait like Kat on LA Ink.

8. Consider the landscaper’s motto “Sometimes less is more”.

9. Neck and face tats are reserved for those who plan to kill or be killed in the urban jungle or behind bars.

10 I’ve witnessed some laser removal. It burns like hell and it doesn’t really remove anything.

11. If you don’t put the naked lady in a place where you can make her dance, what is the point?

12 Ladies, don’t get naked lady tats. Your nakedness is all we ask…unless you can somehow have the naked tattoo that can interact with your nakedness…never mind.

13. Looking over your shoulder at a back tat in the mirror does not do it justice. Like those tight white shorts you continue to choose to wear; if you could see what I see, you’d kill yourself. (Like a couple of pit bulls fighting under a blanket. Yuck.)

90% of you reading this are probably not happy with me, because it seems that 90% of the population is now sporting ink. To be honest, there are some pretty hot tats that scream sex and make me think dirty thoughts. My point is, that is a short lived benefit for something that will likely make your granddaughter ask “Grammy, why does it say ‘Mike’s Playground’ under your belly button? Never mind, I’ll go ask Grampa Dave.”

If you think that society shouldn’t judge you because you have Hellraiser’s Pinhead on your shoulder or gin blossoms climbing up your calf, sorry, it’s an unfair world. “I won’t live in a world where people judge…Maaann.” Shut up and take a shower, you dirty hippie. Presentation does mean something and you are treated differently based on how you present yourself, especially if you want to participate in a professional world. If my brain surgeon walked out in an Everlast tank top with full sleeves and teardrop on his cheek, I think I would head down the road. You would too. Don’t you people watch “What not to Wear”?


Barbara said...

I'm totally with you. Tatoos give me the creeps. I don't understand the obsession.

Matt said...

I stick with temporary tattoos because I don't like "ouchies."

You can get Marvin the Martian tattoos at the taco time for 4 quarters.

Unfortunately, there's really on place to put it...you know...all the hair on my body.

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