40th Birthday Review

Today is my 40th birthday. This confirms that not only am I the most morbidly obese reviewer here at review-spew.com but I’m also the oldest. It seemed a fitting day to review turning 40.

To give this birthday a proper once-over it’s important to review a few memorable past birthdays.

My favorite birthday by far was my 17th. Ahh 1987. Reagan was president, the cold war was winding down and Cindy (one of the cutest girls in my high school) was showing great interest in yours truly. I was showered with gifts from friends and family. Multiple parties were thrown in my honor and I felt on top of the world. 23 years later I still get warm and fuzzy feelings remembering that day.

My 30th birthday was like getting hit with a truck. The worst part is I wasn’t prepared for it. People kept asking me, “What’s it like turning 30?” and I would naively reply, “It’s just another birthday”. Well it wasn’t. I don’t know why, but I woke up that day and it just struck me that I was no longer a kid and it didn’t make any sense because I could still vividly remember being 17 and on top of the world, so why wasn’t I still on top? No mind-tricks could help me cope, no happy places worked and I was hopelessly stuck with the cold hard facts that I was an adult now, and worst yet, that I would never be young again.

With the mental knock down I received on my 30th, I was fully prepared for my 40th birthday to be dramatic in some deep and fundamental way. There was still hope it would be good, right? Well no. Last week when I noticed how extremely hairy my knuckles were, I should have known turning 40 would suck big time.

If turning 30 is all about realizing that you are no longer young, then turning 40 is all about realizing that you are now old…and tired. Now if you’re 50 you’re laughing at me crying about being old, well don’t. I’m old, not ancient like you grandpa so shut up. See I can talk like that now because I’m old. I don’t care so much about what others think or say about me. To hell with them, I’m old. I’ve been there and done that so get out of my way. Looking at it that way, I guess it’s not all bad.

There are bad things that came with turning 40. Bad things would include the aforementioned hairy knuckles, which go along with the ever-balding scalp, the increasing joint pain and the more frequent trips to the toilet during the middle of the night. This brings me to the worse part about turning 40. When I was 17 I was rounding 2nd base in the back seat of my dad’s ’78 Ford LTD with Cindy, now I’m 40 and getting my first prostate exam.

You women who have been getting annual pap smears since you were 17 are probably thinking I should stop complaining. Well lady, sorry. That doesn’t give me any consolation, not to mention that the plumbing you’re having examined was meant to be both an “out” and an “in” door, mine is suppose to be an “out” door only.

Life is just not fair. See I think being on this earth for 40 years should be rewarded with a few innings with a cute woman in the backseat of a car. When you’re 17 is when some doctor should shove his cold, bony finger up your rump because you’re a cocky bastard and are in serious need of humbling, but no, life is not fair in fact it’s filled with deep and powerful irony.

Gifts to a 40 year old are different also. When I was 17 I got lots and lots of electronics and cool stuff. This year all I got was 2 towels and a free lunch at Denny’s. What the hell is that all about? I know you’re thinking “I thought you’ve been there and done that old man. What could you possibly want for your birthday?” And my only answer has to be that you’re right.

That’s part of being old too. I now have to more readily accept things. After 40 years of screaming about stuff you no longer hear your voice echoing back as you finally realize that nobody is listening. I have answered the age-old question and guess what…if a tree falls in the forest and there’s nobody around to hear it, it does not make a sound.

So in short, turning 40 sucks, but I’m old enough now to accept that and move on and for that reason I give it 4 stars. Just another one of those ironies I was talking about earlier.