Due to my "checkered" past, I've created an alter-ego self who was quite possibly the most well behaved child on the planet. I tenderly share stories of mowing the lawn at age 8, graduating from high school at 16, and never kissing a girl until I was married. (One of these 3 items is true...can you guess?)
Is this deceit working? I'm not sure...but it better...because I'd hate to incur the wrath of God for lying and end up in the 5th ring of Hades while my kids rebel against "Daddy Mr. Perfect" by starting a reality TV show. (I'd call it Jewish Shore)
In truth, the ages of 12-14 were rife with turmoil for me. While other boys were gaining deep voices, chin-hair, and growing like weeds, my internal biological clock had seemingly ran out of batteries. Puberty was the ever-evasive goal that I could not achieve in Junior High. As the only kid in gym class without armpit hair (among other places) my showers generally consisted of a blinding flash of towel, minimal amounts of water, always facing the wall, and a direct sprint back to the locker to change clothes before my lack of body hair became apparent. Good times.
The summer before High School, my body decided it had played enough games, and thrust a change upon me never witnessed before on this earth. The tumultuous growth, random sprouting of hair, pimples arriving in waves, naughty nocturnal dreams, and smells emanating from places I didn't know existed wrought upon me like a Hurricane. Why was I so excited to get there??
One of the awful by-products of my bodily transformation became apparent one Saturday afternoon while cleaning my room. I was placing my shoes inside my closet when a smell hit me that I wish I could un-smell. I looked down at my precious Vans, and realized there was a price to pay for wearing a favorite pair of shoes every day for over a year.
From that day forth, I became mortified that another human being would smell my stinky shoes.
As a young man, I tried everything to mask the smell. Scrubbing my feet until bloody, Rubbing alcohol, cologne, deodorant stick, cigarette ashes...all to no avail. Most of my solutions were akin to rubbing a car pine scented deodorizer on Matthew McConaughey's armpits--and then all you end up with is Pine B.O.
As I grew older, I found that if you have a ton of shoes and rotate them accordingly, stink-foot can be avoided.
Unfortunately, in the last few weeks, I have noticed a faint smell of unpleasantness while sitting in my cubicle. My stinky feet had finally caught up with me after all these years.
I immediately went out and purchased a potential remedy---Gold Bond Maximum Strength Foot Powder. After purchase, I noticed that this product has "triple action relief"--Relieves itching, absorbs moisture, and controls foot odor. I don't really have itchy feet, but the insides of my shoes are a dank stinky place.
This is a white powder which you sprinkle onto your feet and insides of your shoes. Due to a terrible experience during a bike ride where I used a powder to reduce chaffing on my "naughty bits", I refuse to use powder on my person. I did pour a healthy amount into all of my shoes.
The powder smells like mediciney minty mentos. Alliteration aside, the smell isn't altogether unpleasant.
Unfortunately, the results are mixed. While I do not notice that my hoof-stench is not as potent in open-air, a long whiff at close range may cause nose hair to singe.
I will continue to use the Gold Bond on a long-term basis for two reasons--I hope that I have just lost the battle---not the war, and using this product reminds me of that Foo Fighters video I really like.
I give the foot powder 3 semi-fresh stars.