Carl's Jr. Philly Cheesesteak Burger Review

I would like to take a minute to discuss the word “Dank”. According to Dictionary.com the word “Dank” means: “unpleasantly moist or humid; damp”, but that doesn’t quite sum up the myriad of feelings and images that come to mind when you hear the word used. Of course the real problem is that unless you’re a fan of true-crime novels you probably don’t see or hear the word very often. Dank is almost always used to describe the cellar, the crawl space or abandoned well where the victims were found. Please keep this in mind as I proceed with my review.

My two favorite fast food hamburgers are the Pastrami Burger from Carl’s Jr. (and may they rot in hell forever for not making it a regular menu item) and the Big Carl from Carl’s Jr. So it’s safe to say I enjoy eating at Carl’s Jr. The burgers are high quality, taste good, they’re huge, and inexpensive. The Fries are good and any place that has a big vat of Jalapenos at your disposal to garnish your food with is absolutely aces in my book.

I went to Carl’s Jr. today for lunch planning on having a Big Carl and in the back of my mind hoping that maybe the Pastrami Burger was back. It wasn’t, but there was something new they were promoting. The new Philly Cheesesteak Burger.

The official description of this new burger is: “Juicy steak, with sautéed green bell peppers and onions, and melted American and Swiss cheeses, all piled on top of a charbroiled beef patty and served between a seeded bun.” Nutrional information for this item states that it’s a 285g burger, with 750 Calories (400 Fat Calories), 45g of fat, 16g of saturated fat, 105mg of cholesterol, and 1,420mg of sodium, and there was more, but hey that was enough. I was sold. I did do one sanity check. Just before ordering I asked the cashier (his name tag identified him as “Bill”) if it was any good. He replied, “actually it’s really good”. So I went ahead and ordered it. My lunch companions went with the Big Carl. Not to ruin the ending of the review but that was a very wise decision on their part.

We ordered, we filled up our sodas, we sat down, we chit-chatted, and before long our food came. I picked up my burger and instantly the alarms started going off in my head. It felt…weird. I don’t know how else to describe it. Squishy is close but doesn’t quite fit. I unwrapped it and was struck by the most awful aroma. I knew I had made a terrible mistake, but it was too late. The facade of the entire restaurant collapsed and instead of bright happy colors and Formica table-tops I was surrounded by cold gray stone walls, a distant dripping sound could be heard echoing from behind me and the sun had definitely been blotted out leaving me chilled from head to toe and a little frightened.

I hadn’t even looked at the damn thing yet. I actually think looking at it was the 2nd biggest mistake right behind ordering it. You know that stuff that gets stuck in your BBQ grill grease trap? Scrape that all up and slap it on top of a charbroiled beef patty and serve between a seeded bun, and you’ll get the idea of what this looked like.

Just as I am about to take my first bite, out of the corner of my eye I notice the broken off finger nails embedded into the stone wall next to me, but I pressed on, I mean I had a review to write after all. I’ve been trying all afternoon to figure out how to adequately describe the texture of the “steak” used in this burger. The closest I can come up with is caramelized lettuce. That doesn’t do it justice but it comes shockingly close. I take 2 or 3 bites and then decided to take a closer look at the burger. Dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I almost threw up.

It was at this point that I noticed “Bill” the cashier was hanging over the edge of the well above me wearing a dress and screaming “It puts the fry sauce on its skin, it puts the fry sauce on its skin. PUT THE FRY SAUCE ON ITS SKIN!!!!!!!!!”

I don’t know if I’m proud of the fact or not that I managed to get three fourths the way through this “concoction” before giving up. All senses were assaulted by this burger: the feel, the smell, the site, the taste, and the sound of it that has been plaguing me all afternoon leads me to just one description for this entire burger: Dank. The new Philly Cheesesteak Burger from Carl’s Jr. is Dank and rates an absolute zero!