Out of State Work Training review

My last review was about working at a bank that was getting shut down by the Federal Reserve. That leaves me unemployed. That makes my wife angry and she calls me names. That makes me cry. So I needed a job...fast! So here I am, now employed by an unnamed sales company who doesn't have any clue that I have no experience in sales.

Not to worry about inexperience though, because before I ever start the job they send us to Seattle for job training. They put us up in a pretty good hotel, have given us a good per diem, they even gave me a free backpack. Sounds good so far right? It would be...if I didn't have to be here for a month. Yes, 31 days! That might not sound so bad, except I'm worried that I'll get back to a 9 month old daughter who doesn't recognize me from Adam (you know, from the Bible).

I spend the majority of my days here in class. It goes from 8 to 5. It is basically the longest day of school 5 days a week. I hate to admit this but I think I have done more homework here than I ever did in a semester of college. The trainer is actually pretty lively, which makes a huge difference because when the HR director comes in to talk to us about our benefits I have to put sugar in my eyes to stay awake. Let's not forget about the local union rep with the monotone lecture about the "benefits" of paying dues to a union. (Is it just me or is it a requirement to be a lesbian vegan to be a union rep?)

I sit on the back row next to a southern black woman, and a 50 year old bald man (skinhead) on the other side. I don't know how it happened but I have become a sounding board for the two of them. On my left I get a barrage of "Oh Lord. Oh Lord. This class is so boring, how am I gonna make it through the day. Oh Lord Jesus." Then to my right the skinhead keeps whispering dirty jokes and stares at me until I suffer from forced fits of laughter. I can set my watch to it. Every 5 minutes he will lean over and whisper a dirty joke that I won't be able to hear. I ask "what was that?" Then for some reason he lowers the volume of his voice and repeats the same inaudible joke. Because I hate asking "what?" more than once, I have to give the courtesy laugh, nod my head, and say "Ha, there ya go!" This training might actually be good to teach me selling skills if I didn't have to put up with a habitual prayer on my left and a joke about a nun not getting to heaven on my right.

As a side note, every trainee was given a squishy ball (a.k.a. stress ball) to squeeze when the information was getting to be too much. I used mine for the first two days but was surprised to find that the woman to my left had taken my ball and was rotating two stress balls in one hand. Let me repeat. She was handling two balls in her hand. I was immediately uncomfortable and even more so when she was performing her stress act and telling me that she needed two to really calm her down. She then put my ball back on my desk. Listen lady, you can keep it. Around every hour she repeats her rotating of the balls.

The hotel is pretty nice and the group I'm training with is half-decent. I'm in the small minority of non-drinkers in the group and I honestly can't believe how much drinkers talk about getting drunk. No matter what conversation I have with them turns into one about drinking. For example -

Me: Are we all going to do Karaoke tonight?
Louse: Only if I get wasted first!

Me: How do you think you did on the quiz?
Alky: No matter what, I'm gonna need a beer.

You get the picture. I could go on but I will spare you. Let me just say that being away from family and actual friends sucks. Being in class all day is the worst. I would give work training out of state zero stars but the per diem my company gives me is over 70 bucks a day! This month has been redeemed by spending cash.


Unfinished Rambler said...

You're actually getting paid for this? Wow.

I guess that's the perks of being in a union...whenever I left a job, all I got was the door. ;)

JustJim said...

Being a Lesbian, a Vegan, a citizen of Seattle and a Union Rep is not coincidence. They are all symptoms of the same ailment: Liberalism. Good luck with the rest of your training.

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