The New Domino's Pizza Review

I like Little Caesar’s Pizza. I love Totino’s Party Pizzas. I even enjoy those pizza Lunchables where you have a round cracker and you spread that ketchupy sauce on it then a pepperoni or two and then some cold shredded cheese. So when I say that Domino’s Pizza tasted like something a billy goat would throw up, re-eat and throw up again, then you know it must be bad.

I was then surprised by the recent “Ya, we really did suck but now we don’t” ad campaign that Domino’s Pizza has going on. How refreshing it is to see some honesty in advertising. The whole campaign is a stroke of genius. Admit your epic failures and then ask people to give you another chance. If the pizza is indeed good, as they claim, then they should do very well.

I was still unwilling to touch it with a 10 foot pole. No way, no way, no way. I then found myself at a church pot-luck all-you-can-eat soup social (I couldn’t possibly make something like that up – it really happened), and despite 40 different varieties of stew, gruel and slop I just couldn’t bring myself to try any. I then found myself in the church parking lot at 8:30 at night, starving to death and staring across the street at the Domino’s Pizza which was advertising Large Ready-to-go Pepperoni pizzas for only $4.99. OK, I’ll give it a go.

I was instantly disappointed to discover that the pizza was square. I can’t stand square pizzas. It just seems unnatural. Kind of like that time in college, with your roommate (Matt you know what I mean), but I digress. What should be round is square and for that Domino’s loses a star. Oh, they have round pizzas too, but the $4.99 special is square.

It smelled good all the way home. It looked good. It felt good to the touch. It sounded good too in that it didn’t make any noise. The only thing worse than square pizza is noisy pizza so it gets one star for that. This leaves just one last sense; taste. My first bite tasted really, really good. I was instantly surprised and pleased. Such flavor I didn’t think possible from Domino’s. I devoured my first square slice, then a second. Still good, but I started to notice something. That flavor seemed to have a cumulative effect and midway through slice number three it was starting to not be all that great. Midway through slice four, I had finally had enough. I wasn’t full, I just couldn’t eat any more of it.

If Domino’s flavor had a mental disease it definitely would be Bi-polar disorder. First it was completely depressed and deprived of all taste, now it’s bouncing off the walls giddy with an overabundance of spices, seasonings, and what not. It’s called Lithium. Domino’s, maybe you should look into it. Extremes make me nervous and I don’t like food that makes me nervous so they lose a star for that.

All and all, Domino’s has moved up a level in the world of fast food pizza. It’s now on par with Little Caesars. I would still prefer Totino’s Party Pizzas any day of the week. I will eat at Domino’s again if made convenient enough. I suppose they deserve a star for that. If my math skills are still what they once were that means I give Domino’s New and Improved Pizza three stars, and as a side note I have to admit I really don’t like those Pizza Lunchables. I’m not 6 for heaven’s sake.