Better than Sex Cake Review


After my wife bought all her own presents for her birthday, I needed to score a passing grade on this special day, and decided to make her birthday cake.  I'm fairly adept in the kitchen.  I've been known to rustle up some mean scrambled eggs, a hearty totino's pizza, and some delicious toaster strudels. (I freaking love toaster strudels)
I looked in the pantry, and found a yellow cake mix.

Just what my wife wanted--a yellow cake with store-bought frosting.  FAIL.

I knew I had to step it up.  I needed to pull out the big guns.  That's when it hit me--I could show her what a real man could do in the bedroom later that evening, and she'd forget about the yellow cake.  FAIL.

She didn't want sex.  She wanted something better than sex.  I rattled through my mind of all the things she'd like better than sex for a good idea.
I could clean the bathrooms, empty the dishwasher, put the kids to bed, leave her alone for at least 2 hours, or...I could make my special Better than Sex Cake!

This is a delicious concoction of chocolate, caramel, whip cream, and sugar overdose.  I mean this is really delicious.

Here's the basics if you want to make it. (really easy)
Cook a regular devil's food cake in a 9X13 pan.
When cooked, poke a bunch of small holes into the cake almost down to the pan.
While the cake is still warm, pour about 10-14 oz's of sweetened condensed milk over the cake.
Follow this with about 6-8 oz of caramel ice cream topping.
These should ooze down into the holes in the cake, and make a nice layer of sugar for all future diabetics.
Let cake cool completely.
Top with a thin layer of whip cream, and then crumble a couple Heath candy bars on top.

This cake is delicious, but very sweet.  A few pieces of this will add a hearty layer of fleshy goodness around your waist.  Enjoy!
The cake was a hit for her birthday, and it even better as leftovers the next few days.

I do have a complaint about the title of this cake.  I mean---really?? Better than SEX cake??  Obviously a woman named this.  Any man who chooses cake over sex has serious issues.  The proper thing to do is think about cake WHILE having sex.

Is the cake VERY good?  Yes!
Is it better than sex?  No!

I think the male version of this cake would be more aptly named one of the following:
Better than sex with yourself cake.
Better than paying for sex cake.
Better than Cinemax sex cake.
Almost better than the sex scene in Top Gun cake. (Some things witnessed by a 10 year old can never be washed away)
Better than Sex in the City cake.

I give the cake a sweet 4-star rating.  The name alone docks it a star.


JustJim said...

I choose sleep over sex at least 4 times a month. Why the hell wouldn't I choose cake over sex?

Brad said...

haha. good review man, much more entertaining than reading about a new mcdonald's product or something.

Matt said...

@Jim -- Plus a few pieces of cake will make you more sleepy. Double positive.

@Brad -- I wonder how this would sell at Mcd's?

Anonymous said...

Make sure you send some up to Major Undeclared.

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