Top Ten Films of 2009

It's time again for my top ten list. I saw a ton of movies this year due to my podcast but sadly 75% of them were absolute tripe. Even though I support bad movies, don't think that I'm putting G.I. Joe, Transformers, or Wolverine on my list. I don't think my list is entirely revolutionary, except with the omission of "Up." I really disliked that movie. Talking dogs? Never seen that before... So let us begin.

10. Avatar
What an incredible looking movie. The world of Pandora is beautiful and watching this movie makes you want to run through the tree-tops of its lush environment. This is probably the most realistic pixar movie I have ever seen. Though the movie is basically Dances with Wolves, nothing new in terms of story. Also, it's blatantly political. I was able to brush it aside and enjoy the ride, but it got a little annoying. This will be a new standard for geeks around the world. I can see the naked blue na'vi posters now...on my wall.

9. I Love You, Man
Better than The Hangover? Yes actually. Many will disagree, but I would rather see a good bro-mance for the ages than see Zach Galifanakis' junk. Paul Rudd plays "awkward guy" perfectly. It is an R rated comedy but has much less gross-out moments than Hangover. Plus, it has nearly as many memorable lines as Wedding Crashers.

8. Star Trek
When the year started this was the movie I was most looking forward to. J.J. Abrams has done a great job reinventing Star Trek to actually make it exciting. I always saw Star Trek as the boring man's Star Wars. But now I'm pumped for its sequels. All the actors were fantastic in their roles. This would rank higher but the story was extremely weak.

7. Zombieland
Where did this movie come from? Zombie heaven. It is no Shaun of the Dead, but it still pretty fantastic. Woody Harrelson is in the defining Bad-A$$ role of his career. The best parts consist of showing the rules of surviving a zombie infestation. I'll never forget to double tap again.

6. Watchmen
The riskiest movie of the year. It had to convince advanced geeks that it was staying true to the graphic novel, while getting general audiences in the seats. It almost stayed too true to the source material for everyone to enjoy. But being a fan of the graphic novel, I was hooked. There were few characters in film this year cooler than Rorschach. Correct that. none.

5. The Brothers Bloom
An indie film starring Mark Ruffalo and Adrian Brody as brothers who live to pull off cons. This movie came out of nowhere. It is not your typical con movie. Every character is perfect in their role. Especially Rachel Weiss, who is freakin' adorable.

4. District 9
The best sci fi movie in years. This is one that nerds will remember for a long time. I fook'n enjoyed this movie. No other sci fi flick has made me feel that there was a racial conflict going on, till this one. When the aliens are called the derogatory term "prawns," I actually feel bad for them. That's effective film-making. I just hope they don't ruin it with a sequel.

3. Inglourious Basterds
I was not expecting to like this one. Tarantino movies are either love or hate, no middle ground. I love Kill Bill, but was not excited to see Brad Pitt try to act. I was happily surprised with this movie. In my mind, there is not a dull moment. If you are looking for real suspense, check this out. Hans Landa is such a fantastic villain and brings incredible tension to simple conversations.

2. (500) Days of Summer
If you have ever suffered through a break up and heartache that lasted more than a few months, you will relate to this movie. It sounds elitist to compare this movie to Annie Hall but I'm going there. It's not a drama, comedy, romance, musical. It's every single one. My favorite part was when half the screen showed expectations and the other half, reality. classic. This would be my favorite movie of the year if it weren't for...

1. Drag Me To Hell
The most fun I have ever had sitting down. I have realized that my favorite genre is Horror Comedies. I could not have asked for more from Sam Raimi(director of The Evil Dead and Spiderman trilogies). This movie has it all: Over the top laughs, scares, and a little animal sacrificing in between. Never again will a cross a gypsy. And if I do, I will definitely give her a loan. The ending of this movie and Inglorious Basterds are the best of the year. Not what the audience expects, but very satisfying. I will now watch this film before every Halloween. My only regret about this movie is that I did not see any Bruce Campbell.

That's it till next year. Have a Merry Christmas!

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Stephen King's Under The Dome Review

When I first saw Stephen King’s new novel, Under The Dome I thought to myself, “didn’t this guy retire?” That was quickly followed by “Not another Stephen King snoozer.” I am a huge Stephen King fan. I’ve read almost all of his books. My favorite book of all time is The Stand. He is very likely the greatest American author of the late 20th century, so says I. I was even recently excited to learn that the high school my children go to teaches an advanced English class called “The Writings of Stephen King and Edgar Alan Poe”. Having said all of this though I couldn’t help but wonder if I should read his new one or not. For one it’s over a thousand pages long, for two it weighs about 30 pounds and last but not least, his last few books have sucked big time.

Great and favored authors of mine churning out nothing but schlock later in their careers is nothing new in my experience. John Grisham and Tom Clancy being classic examples of this phenomena. I didn’t think it could happen to Stephen King though, but sadly, it has. The majority of his novels written since 2000 have been subpar rehashes of his previous work. The Talisman was one of his best works; its sequel, Black House, not so good. Christine was one of the most awesome books ever, From a Buick 8 almost laughable it was so bad. The trifecta of Cell, Duma Key and Lisey’s Story turned me off from King forever.

But then I found myself staring at this behemoth of a book at Walmart (Under the Dome is about 4 inches thick) and something about its sheer size brought back the thrilling memory of reading The Stand, IT and other superb King novels that were also ginormous in size. As if I was under some sort of spell I found myself minutes later coughing up over $20 for it.

This is a great book and an absolute must read for anyone who enjoys Stephen King novels. If you’ve never read one, then this is a good one to start with. The story is extremely compelling, the characters engaging, the action non-stop and brutal, the plot amazing. One could safely say that King has found the Path of the Beam once again (if you don’t understand that comment pick up the 7-book Dark Tower series by King – you won’t regret it). Endings have always been a shortcoming of Kings but this one wraps up extremely well.

I’ve read two reviews that panned the idea that small-town politics would be so cutthroat if not evil. Those people have never been to a city council meeting in a town with less than 3,000 people in it. I have and it’s amazing how overly serious and dramatic they take themselves. Short men buy big trucks, the less endowed buy sports cars and small towns politic in a way that would make the New York City Council uncomfortable and nervous because there’s so much conflict. King shows this less known tid-bit of small town life with gruesome precision.

There is some bad to it. King has definitely got his liberal on in this book. The main bad guy is a Republican, a Jesus-freak and drives a Hummer. He admires an autographed picture of himself shaking hands with Sarah Palin and an autographed picture of himself shaking hands with Tiger Woods who he remembers fondly as a pretty decent guy “for a negro”. King would defend this by saying one of the main heroes of the book is a Republican also. However, the few insights into this person’s political views shows her as being about as conservative as Nancy Pelosi.

King also showcases the more recent “truths” liberals take to be self-evident. Water boarding is the worse torture ever, and is ineffective and shouldn’t be used. All prisoner’s being held by the US Army in Iraq are being tortured and brutalized and political talk radio is nothing but dangerous propaganda the likes of which has not been heard since the days of Goebbels under the Nazi Regime.

Despite these flaws the book is pretty good. There is no doubt that King is past his prime but he’s managed to pull off another winner. I give Stephen King’s Under the Dome 4 stars. Buy it and read it today before Sarah Palin becomes President and has every copy of it burned. As if.

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Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles Season 2 review

I must be a glutton for punishment. I don't know why, but I continue to watch FOX shows. It's not that I don't enjoy them, it's that I enjoy them too much only to have them be expectedly cancelled by FOX just when it gets good. I don't think I would support FOX if they didn't have 24. I love me some Jack Bauer... In a non-sexual wish-he-was-my-bodyguard sort of way.

Last year Meatwad and I did a joint...review of the first season of this series and I gave it a healthy three stars. I liked it ok, but wasn't absorbed by the show. Season two has made definite improvements on the formula. I was tired of the concept: John gets noticed, the terminator kills a few people and chases the family, the good terminator stops the bad one so they can live to get caught another day. Instead this season has Sarah, John and the gang not running for their lives every episode, but instead actively seeking to destroy Skynet before they start up. Skynet, for the uninformed is the company that nukes the world and starts Judgment Day. (insert intense music).

This season is all about John Connor distancing himself from his mother. He meets some strung-out chick at school and starts to rebel. Cameron, the good terminator, has suffered a lot of damage and is malfunctioning. Derek (Brian Austin Green) has rekindled a romance with his girlfriend from the future. Sarah Connor is on a one-woman mission to destroy all things robot.

A new addition to the cast this season is Shirley Manson, the lead singer of Garbage. She is the head of a large tech company, but is also...wait for it....a liquid terminator like in T2. At first I thought she was going to be pretty cliche, but her character threw me for a loop. Not that I'm gonna ruin anything for you guys. But really she is so incredibly pasty, who knew that the next model of T-1000's look like Conan O'Brien's little sister.

There are several pro's to this season. First off is Sarah, she comes off as certified Bad-A. She's no Jack Bauer, but I wouldn't mind her interrogations. (Wow, sexual entendres. Very clever.) Also Summer Glau as Cameron the Terminator looks like she is having a better time in this role. Her malfunctioning has given her more of a chance to act. Believe it or not, I actually bought Brian Austin Green as an actor. I thought he did a pretty good job and was sad when he ----item deleted----. Like I said, I'm not giving away anything, only alluding to his death. I like that this season John frequently asks himself how he can be the savior of the future. That is one thing I would have liked to see addressed in Terminator Salvation.

Among the con's are the two new additions to the cast. The two girls who play John's and Derek's girlfriends are drains to the show. They suck any emotion out of their scenes. I was happy when they ----item deleted----. Also, John Connor came off as very whiny this season. Maybe that's how he loses his voice when he becomes Christian Bale Connor in the future.

I was very sad that this show was cancelled because it ended perfectly. It left the mythology open for further stories but gives a satisfaction about Sarah's famous quote "No fate but what we make."

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles of Narnia and Riddick receives 4 stars. Can you believe it, not one lame quote from the Terminator series in this entire review. Till next time, "I'll be back" with my top ten movies of the year.

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The Prisoner Mini-series on AMC Review

My Father used to tell a joke to all my friends when I was a teenager.  He was quite proud of this joke, and when a friend hadn't heard it, he made a large production leading up to it.
He called it the "Shaggy Dog" joke.  In a nutshell, there is a peasant who has a large shaggy dog.  A neighbor notices how shaggy the dog is, and proceeds to rave about its shagginess.  He suggests that the peasant bring the dog to the king.  The peasant decides this is a good idea, and makes his way to the castle.  On the way, the peasant is stopped by numerous people who can't believe how shaggy the dog is.  My Dad would have the peasant stop with about any early Medieval title he could conjure up.  Archer, Viscount, Duke, Starbucks Barista, etc.  The joke was usually 10-15 minutes in length, and would pinnacle with the peasant showing the dog to the king.  Upon seeing the dog, the king would always say, "I don't think it is that shaggy."  And then my Dad would pause...waiting for the imminent storm out the room, or perhaps the double-flipoff.  He thought this was hilarious.  (I think there is a golf-ball joke that is similar)

The Prisoner on AMC is the TV equivalent of the Shaggy Dog joke...only on LSD.

I saw a few commercials leading up to this mini-series, and it looked quite interesting.  I knew it was a re-make of a show in the 60's, but I had never seen the original  Unfortunately, AMC used the term "mini-series," which conjures up images of The Langoliers, The Andromeda Strain, and The Storm.  In fact, isn't the term "Good mini-series" an oxymoron?  (Band of Brothers and Battlestar Galactica are exceptions you psycho mini-series freaks already typing your hate mail)

I am going to attempt to lay out the basic plot of this mini-series without confusing you:
Jim Caviezel plays a man who wakes up in a strange town called "The Village."  The end.  After this, there isn't a plot-line.
Ian McKellen is the other star of this show, but don't expect a "Lord of the Rings" type acting job here.  I understood roughly 34% of what Ian says in this show.
Did I mention that there isn't a coherent plot-line until there is only 30 minutes left in the show?  This is after 6 HOURS OF FILM. (I suppose it's only 4 after commercials)

If you enjoyed the Lost Highway, What dreams may come, or any other movie that would incite boredom, confusion, or a mixture of both, then The Prisoner is for you.

I'm not sure why I kept watching.  It's like I was daring the writers/producers to come up with an ending that would take this hailstorm of confusion, and make it real.  Did they?  Sure...was it worth it?  No.

Think back to when you were in college, and your buddy swore that there was a party off-campus where he guaranteed you'd score?
You follow him to the party which ends up with a dude/chick ratio of 7.5.  Your buddy dissappears, and you have no ride home.  By the end of the 4 hour "party," you end up with puke on your shoes, a nicotine contact high, and eventually end up with a 27 year old masters student name Tina with terrible acne.  Do you just end up walking home?  No...you make out with Tina as you don't want the night to be a total waste of time.

Looking back, you wish none of it had ever happened.  Not Tina...not the party....none of it.  This is how I feel about The Prisoner.

The Prisoner ends up with a 1-star rating, ONLY because there was some sort of explanation at the end of the show...as weak as it was.  In truth, it's titled the Prisoner as that's what you become after 6 intense hours of boredom.

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The LightKeeper Pro Review

Have you ever noticed the kids playing ball at the park, and off to the side there's this lone fat kid looking through the chain-link fence with sorrowful longing? Each day the kids show up and start playing ball and each day the fat kid asks if he can play and each day they tell him no. Then one day they decide to say yes, if for no other reason than to shut him up. But then the kid sucks so bad at ball that he kind of ruins the whole game. This continues until the cool kids decide that they would rather not play at all than to play with the fat kid. So the fat kid shows up to the park one day and finds it empty. I'm the fat kid here at Review-spew.com and another week has gone by and apparently the other, cooler kids have decided to just let me play with myself rather than write a review of their own. But the jokes on them. I'm the master of playing with myself.

Anyway, this weeks review is about the Lightkeeper Pro. I am a huge fan of Christmas lights and every year I put on a pretty good spread of lights both on the outside and the inside of my house. I, like all of you, have felt the frustration when a section of lights, or the whole string of lights, will not light up. When you consider that I put up about 10,000 lights each year, my frustration is probably 5 to 10 times as much as yours. It got so bad last year that I actually started throwing away whole sets of lights because I just couldn't get them to work.

As this Christmas season approached it occurred to me that there must be something out there that would help with this issue. So I scoured the internet and performed minutes of exhausting research until I found the LightKeeper Pro. I read the information about it, I watched the info-mercial on youtube, I read fifty or so reviews about it and realized that I absolutely, positively had to have it.

Nobody sells it. That was my first impression. I noticed that Walmart has some cheaply packaged fake one, but that wasn't going to do. I wanted the real thing. I then discovered at the official website for The LightKeeper Pro that Ace Hardware sales them. I called the three Ace Hardware stores in my area. The first one didn't even know what I was talking about. The second one knew what I was talking about but wouldn't have any until January 4th. What? Are you kidding me? The third had several. It was even reasonably priced at just $20.99.

I bought it, brought it home and with all the enthusiasm I could muster, started bringing out my Christmas decorations. It was almost disappointing when my first set of lights worked without a hitch. The second set, to my complete delight, did not...light. Wow, that was very Austin Powers of me, but I digress. I immediately pulled a bulb out of the section that was not lit, plugged it into the LightKeeper Pro and squeezed the trigger. Voila, they lit up. I unplugged it from the LightKeeper Pro, put the bulb back in and the set was fixed. Just as easy as that.

Not since the invention of the manger has something so fundamentally changed Christmas. This thing is totally awesome. I had one set that not a single bulb would light up. Plug-plug, click-click and it was fixed. I highly recommend this. I even noticed that the cheaply packaged fake one at Walmart is actually a LightKeeper Pro (it's molded right in the handle) so they must have some agreement with Walmart to sell it under a no-name brand for them. So there's no excuse, you can all get one and you should.

My one complaint about it is there is a notch on it that is suppose to help pull bulbs out. It completely sucks. It doesn't work at all and it seems that those that were so ingenious as to come up with this thing could have developed something better to pull the bulbs out. Do not let this dissuade you in any way though. This thing rocks. I give it 4-stars as it has made my Christmas season just a little bit brighter. N-yuck, n-yuck, n-yuck.

Updated:

So I watched a youtube video of how the bulb-puller works. Yes, I'm stupid and wasn't doing it correctly. Turns out the bulb-puller is as ingenious as the rest of the thing, I was just being stupid.

Therefore, I'm proud to announce that the LightKeeper Pro is a certified ReviewSpew All-Star!!

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Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol Review

I finished reading The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown late, late, late last night. This was the third late night in a row. Needless to say I really liked this book, but be warned; do not start reading it unless you have several days to commit to it because once started you really will not want to put it down.

I’ve now read all of Dan Brown’s books. There are a couple of other’s besides The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons. There is a problem with all of them in that they seem to follow the same formula.

• There is always some brilliant scientist or professor or, heaven help us, Symbologist as the main character.
  


• There is always some brilliant, yet vulnerable woman who must be saved while at the same time seems to have the key to solving the mystery.
  


• There is always some sort of new science or techno-wonder that becomes a side character of its own.
  


• There is always some obsessive agent of the law in hot pursuit dogging the heroes every move.
  


• Almost always there’s some freak-show carnie reject that is going around doing all the bad stuff
  


• There is almost always some mastermind behind the whole thing that isn’t revealed until the end.

This book diverts from this formula slightly but in enough ways to make it a most enjoyable and exciting read.

A few problems though. I kept waiting for the funny guy from National Treasure to show up. What I mean by that is, this plot has already been done. Who didn’t love National Treasure? It was a great flick with lots of action, arcane tidbits about American History, codes, symbols and keys, car chases, mad men, government agents, shoot-outs, etc, etc. Of course, I was also a big fan of Iron Eagle, Deep Impact, Rob Roy and Antz. All movies that ripped off other movies but came out before the other movie it was ripping off had come out (Top Gun, Armageddon, Braveheart, A Bug’s Life).

The other problem is this book suffers from the John McClain syndrome. Die Hard was great, but the sequel instantly begged the question: “How can the same sh*t happen to the same guy so often?” This is the third massive adventure for famed Harvard Professor and Symbologist Robert Langdon. First of all, is there really such a thing as a Symbologist? Microsoft Word doesn’t think so as it thinks I’m misspelling it and has no alternative. And if Symbologists do exist how exciting can their life be? If you took all the truly exciting things that all the Symbologist in all the world from the beginning of time had ever done and attributed them to a single character, it probably wouldn’t fill a single page of paper. Yet, this Robert Langdon chap falls knee deep into one dangerous and exciting adventure after another; three whole novels worth now. I think it’s time for him to go back to teaching and never, ever leave the Harvard campus again.

Short chapters with a cliff-hanger at the end of almost every single one makes for fast reading. Like I said it’s difficult to put down. I’m sure it’s controversial and offensive to some people. The Freemasons are the target of this particular book, but Brown shows a great respect and sympathy for them and their order and since I don’t know a dang thing about them, I don’t have much to add here on that topic. If they’re ticked, so be it and if they’re not, who cares. If you read any work of fiction and find yourself offended perhaps you should stop reading the book or at least gently remind yourself that IT’S A WORK OF FICTION FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!!!


OK, bottom line, I recommend this book. I give it 4 stars not because it was really great literature but because it was fun, and exciting and kept me riveted unlike any other book I’ve read in the last year or two. Give it a read and be quick about it as I’m sure the movie will be out next summer with Tom Hanks sporting that goofy hairdo so popular among the more notable Symbologist.

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Scrubs Season 9 Early Review

 Who the Hell are these people?

Did it bother you when a new Darin was cast in the place of the old one on Bewitched...and the producers tried to act like nothing had happened?  How about when Aunt Vivian was changed on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. (Oh yes...it's true and I know this unashamedly)
Sometimes your favorite TV show changes characters or course, and completely ruins them for you.

Oh I know, MASH was just as good or even better when Potter replaced Henry Blake, or when Honeycutt replaced Trapper, but that was the exception..not the rule.

I've long followed the tumultuous ride that is Scrubs on television.  I have seen at least 95% of the episodes going back 8 years.  I honestly can only say this with a couple other TV series including Married with Children and Little House on the Prairie.
Scrubs started on NBC many years ago, and received ratings that would qualify it as a hit.  And man was it funny.  Unfortunately, NBC kept moving the show around to different nights and different times.  The ratings continued to drop, and NBC finally sold the show to ABC.

ABC tried for a couple years to "redo" the image of Scrubs, but to be honest...the show was just not as funny.  The most recent season (8) there were multiple episodes where main characters were not seen at all.  The quirky "dream sequences" were sparse, and you could tell the show was on its farewell tour.
It ended quite nice with JD quitting Sacred Heart, and all was well.

All was well.....until ABC decided they wanted to bring Scrubs back for another year.
The problem was that JD, Carla, and Lawrence (the creator) were all quitting the show. 

Because of these people quitting, ABC decided to turn the train on tracks that only go straight...I smell a something derailing, and a bloody mess.

SPOILERS
The new season of Scrubs takes place a year or so after the "finale."  There is a new Sacred Heart Hospital, where Turk, Dr. Cox, and JD are all teachers at a Medical School.  They have brought in a whole new crop of med school students who spend time learning in the class and the hospital.
Scenes with the "old-time" regulars are still funny, but the ones with the new students are....lacking.  It's like the show is trying to hard to keep its funny groove on.
Even further, JD is only slated to be in 6 episodes, while Dr. Reed will only be in limited episodes.  The only regulars slated to remain are Dr. Turk and Dr. Cox.  That is like eating a Big Mac without the secret sauce.  Like watching the Fast and the Furious without Vin Diesel. (oh wait...that happened) Like going to Disneyland when half the rides are closed.

To be fair, the season is only 2 episodes old.  Perhaps it will be much funnier, or the new main characters will "grow" on me.
Unfortunately, right now it feels like I hadn't seen my good friend for a couple years, and then run across him at the mall.  He reluctantly tells of his short prison stint and 4 illegitamate kids scattered across the country.  He then asks for money  He's still your friend, just...different.

2 chuckle-worthy stars out of 5.  I border on 3 stars, but the lack of good janitor/JD scenes was disappointing.  This show is not worthy of the title Scrubs...and should be renamed.

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Bumbo review

Do you have a baby and nowhere to put it? Are you looking for neon baby furniture? Do you absolutely hate holding children? Well if you answered yes to any of these questions then look no further than the Bumbo. What is the Bumbo you ask? Not only is it a fun word to say but it's also a throne for babies! And don't babies deserved to be treated like royalty...

So a few days ago I bought a bright blue bumbo. (say that 10 times fast) My first question when I saw the seat was "How did they form the perfect bottom?" and "How did they get a baby to sit there while they mold the styrofoam around it?"

I was a little worried at first to put my 5 month old girl in it, thinking that it couldn't support her enormous weight capacity. (17 lbs and proud of it) But when I sat her in it, magic happened! It fit like a glove, a bum glove! My little girl is a wiggler, but the bumbo takes care of that. It keeps her compact. If it wasn't so soft I would say that it's a baby prison. Once a kid gets in it, there is no getting out without assistance. I'm surprised these things aren't selling like hot cakes in the South. (I'm stereotyping and assuming they don't take proper care of their children there) Though I am a guilty party, I was cooking dinner and realized how easy it is to put the baby in the bumbo and turn on baby einstein. (Baby Capitalism at its best.) I might never need a babysitter.

Bumbo's website states "This revolutionary infant chair is uniquely designed according to the baby’s posture." I wouldn't say that they uniquely designed the chair to your baby's posture. It's one size fits all folks. Any baby will fit in the bumbo, unless they have a severe case of elephantitis.

The only thing I would improve about the Bumbo is that I would put wheels on it and maybe a cord for pulling it, then I wouldn't have to bend over so much to save my girl from the postpartum prison.

The Bumbo is not only a fun word to say, but it is a 4 star product. It lacks perfection because of the cool 35 bucks it will set you back, and mostly because I want a bumbo made for adults.

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