Shopping At Victoria's Secret Review

I miss the days when my oldest daughter asked for baby dolls that went potty or for easy-bake ovens that cooked with light bulbs. See I never feared or dreaded the “Pink” aisle at Walmart or Target or anywhere else for that matter. It was so simple to just go down the aisle between the dog food and the board games and even with your eyes closed, you could grab 3 or 4 things that would fill her heart with joy on Christmas morning. Those were the good old days.

Now she’s 16 going on 27 and it’s a whole different ballgame. Actually, most of her Christmas list was pretty easy, that is if you just squinted your eyes and didn’t look at the first item on the list, which unfortunately was the thing she wanted most. It simply said “Perfume, Pure Seduction or Love Spell, sold at Victoria’s Secret”. Just like that my world was forever changed.

Never being one to disappoint my daughter, I headed straight to the mall to see what this perfume business was all about. Now, I’m sure the average man jumps at the chance to walk through Victoria’s Secret, but not me. It’s one thing to be a pervert, but I don’t like other people to see me being a pervert and everything about a 39 year old fat man walking through a Victoria’s Secret screams “PERVERT ALERT … PERVERT ALERT.” Yet I pressed on.

My first mistake was not staking out the store beforehand. If I hadn’t taken some time to do a proper reconnaissance I would have discovered that there were two entrances and that one entrance lead to all the perfumes, lotions, sprays, etc, and that the other one lead into all the silky, kinky stuff. This, of course was the door I charged right into, with the simple yet incredibly naïve plan of walking right to the bottle of perfume my daughter wanted, buy it and retreat to the safety of the Orange Julius.
So here I am in the middle of thousands of camisoles, bras, panties, teddies, etc., etc, and wall-to-wall women looking at me and all thinking, “What is this dirty old man doing in here? The PERVERT.” It took ten minutes but I finally made my way over to the other side of the store where all the bottles of perfumery could be found. Then came the realization that what she wanted wasn’t the only thing they sold in the realm of nice-smelling things. I soon found myself surrounded by bottles and bottles of stuff with names like “Dream Angel’s Desire” and “Very Sexy” and “Basic Instinct” and “Ooh La La”. “Like hell I’m going to buy my daughter something from this den of iniquity” I muttered to myself, but yet I found myself powerless to leave.

Finally an extremely attractive sales associate came up to me, I thought to my rescue but as it ended up, she just made things worse. “Can I help you sir” is what she said, but her eyes were saying “Pervert. Creep. Scumbag.” I pulled out the list and not trusting myself to speak, I simply pointed to the items my daughter had requested. “Oh yes, Pure Seduction. That’s my favorite. Right this way.” I’m soon lead to a table with fifty different pinkish-colored bottles all saying “Pure Seduction” on them but there wasn’t one that said Perfume. There were creams, and body washes and body mists, and mists with glitter and on and on and on. There was even Pure Seduction Anti-Bacterial Sanitizing Wipes, but no perfume. I thought she must not have understood so I finally spoke and said, “My daughter just wants the perfume.” She replied, “Yes here it is” and again motioned at the entire table. She then motioned to another table and said, “And here is the Love Spell Perfume.” That table looked exactly the same but the bottles were all lavender in color.

So now it’s about 120 degrees in the store and I’m sweating and the panties and female shoppers, and bottles and bottles and bottles and fake smiling salespeople and bras, and the room’s spinning and turning and tipping and I realize I’m about to pass out. I thought about that later and realized that if you’re going to pass out you really should do it at Victoria’s Secret. The only people there to give you mouth to mouth are gorgeous women, but on second thought they would probably just throw some push-up bras on my face and let me die rather than press their lips to mine.

I didn’t pass out but neither did I buy anything. I just ran from the store as fast as my stubby legs would allow. It was a no-win situation. I didn’t know what my daughter wanted, the sales people were no help and if I had stayed any longer I would have died. Going online to buy it would be no better. I could just see my boss catching me at http://www.victoriassecret.com/ and somehow I don’t think it would help to say, “I’m just buying something for my daughter.” He wouldn’t believe me and if he did believe me what kind of sick $@#!$@ must I be to be buying something for my daughter at Victoria’s Secret.
The store gets 1 star because it did give me warm and fuzzy feelings from the waist down but as the whole shopping experience there damn-near killed me, 1 star is all I can give it. Perhaps my wife will have better luck than I did. (Note: upon reading my rough draft of this review my daughter said, “Dad, you want the Eau de Toilette. Silly.” Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? )

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Motorola Droid Review

I got it. Couldn’t wait. Totally bought a data plan on the spur of the moment because of the wow factor. Signed up for another 2 year contract. Didn’t talk to the wife and risked serious peril to do it….and a couple of weeks later, I don’t regret it a bit.

I am a technology guy by trade which means one of two things. I am either a techno freak that has to have all the latest gadgets or, I am so sick of working with tech for 10 hours a day, I don’t really care too much about it when I get home. I was the latter, so it takes a lot to sell me on a gizmo, particularly when there are contracts involved. When I walked into the Verizon store, I was actually there to get a replacement for my enV. All I wanted was a QWERTY keyboard and I was good. After a few minutes playing with the droid, my tune changed in a big way. I actually have a blackberry for work with a full data plan, internet browsing, the works. It is completely useless. You cannot browse the internet from your blackberry effectively. I spent 10 min. trying to price check a DVD player at Amazon on the thing one time and about tore my hair out. It is great for email, but not for the mindlessness the web has to offer. My experience with the blackberry was always that it was crazy slow. With that knowledge, I rotated the droid and suddenly “the cloud” focused and normal, non-mobile web pages became readable, usable on a mobile device.

I flipped to the voice, turn by turn navigation section and Google maps satellite view made me gasp. The fact that it showed up so quickly at such high res. made me drool. I jumped to youtube and streamed that video of the BYU soccer chick getting her pony tail yanked in a split second and I was sold. Since then, I have downloaded app after free app. The barcode scanner app is actually useful on this 5 megapixel device. Sorry about that iPhone users. Yesterday I scanned probably 10 UPCs while at the store, it told me instantly the internet prices and allowed me to one click the item into my Christmas list. It has a calorie counter app that allows the same thing. Just scan the UPC on that box of Ho-Ho’s and you can instantly one click the nutritional information into your daily food log. When I got home, I used voice recognition and said “Navigate to” then gave my entire address. It flipped to the Navigation screen map, then said “You have arrived at your destination” and showed me a full screen Google street view picture of my front door. Come on, are you serious?

The apps make the phone and everything I have downloaded, I have done for free so far. I have apps for real-time football scores, movie reviews and previews, compass, level, stocks, dictionaries, coupons, Pandora music streaming, and tons of other things. Google night-sky allows you to hold your Droid up to the sky and it shows you the constellations you should be seeing at your location looking through the droid. It is ridiculous. It also has 2 processors and comes with a 16GB uSD card installed.

iPhone readers are probably saying “We have had all of these things for years”. True, you may have, but you also paid $500 for your phone and are on a crappy network. You also give up half of your available screen for a virtual keyboard, and your 3MP camera can’t focus on close-up objects making the barcode readers useless. I paid $100 after rebate and get voice turn-by-turn for free.

Now the bad. Data plans are bloody expensive. Insurance is $9 per month for this phone and requires a deductable, so I didn’t get it. The screen is multi-touch, but pinch only works with a picture app. so far. The GPS is a real GPS so it is very accurate, but it doesn’t work as well indoors, and requires a Cell tower to download the maps, so I don’t know how useful it would be in the wilderness. The metal detector app. is fun, but I wouldn’t necessarily tape my Droid to a stick and comb the beach with it. Yeah, it has a metal detector app.

I couldn’t be happier with the Droid, and I love the keyboard. The only problem I have now, my wife absolutely wants one. Now I have to justify another data plan.

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UFC 105 on Spike Review

I once paid money to go to a WWF live event.  There...I said it.  Now it's on the table, and I can be rid of my shame. 
Actually, it's worse than that.  I waited in line with a wrist-band, in order to get the best seats for said WWF event.  Truth be told, I was a fan of the WWF, and wasted countless hours on their (almost) daily TV airings.

I also used to be a huge boxing fan.  In the heyday of the heavyweights, I ponied up my share for a pay-per-view on multiple occasions.  I paid money to see Mike Tyson chew off an ear.  I paid money to see Tyson beat Michael Spinks in mere seconds.

Needless to say, I like watching violent acts on television.  I even enjoy America's funniest home videos when they show their "nut-cracker" segments.

This naturally segued my life into the world of Mixed Martial Arts. (MMA)

Let's be clear here---I am extremely talented at Ping Pong, Call of Duty 1 (on the PC), and splitting up the cost of dinner when a bunch of guys go out.  My muscle/fat ratio is bordering on zero, and the only fight I've ever been involved with was at the Layton Hills Mall when I was 11, and I got in a shoulder-push before an adult broke up the action.  (I would have killed him though)

Perhaps this is why I'm drawn to MMA.  These guys represent all I never could do, nor ever wish to do. (have you seen their ears??  Freaky...)

I'm also no expert on the techniques used in the sport.  I hear the words Muay Thai, and I think of an alcoholic drink.  If someone mentions a Kimura, I immediately think someone is wearing a Japanese robe.
I do however enjoy talent, and at times there are some truly talented physical freaks that can be very entertaining to watch.

This past Saturday, the UFC broadcasted its 105th "main event" on Spike TV.  It seems that there is a pay per view for the UFC every week, so it's possible that this is the 105th main event this year.
I didn't know any of the fighters except one chap named Randy Couture.  I was positive I'd heard of him before, and then it hit me---I do remember where I heard his name--on one of any 6 dozen commercials about UFC 105 over the previous week.

I'll grade this program in 3 different categories:

The fights:  There were many good fights especially if you like punching.  there were not many true wrestlers on the card, and most of the fights were an all-out brawl.  There was a real KO--out cold, a fighter with a red mohawk, but no midgets or women fighting.  Every good card needs a novelty act.

The main event was with 46 year old Randy Couture fighting a large dude named Vera with 5 foot arms.  I won't reveal the winner in case you haven't seen the fight yet, but I'll tell you that Couture is a grappler.  90% of the fight is along the edge of the octagon, with very little punching or ground-work.  Snooze-fest.
Overall the fights got a 4-star rating.

The commercials:  As this was a free broadcast on Spike TV, there were commercials injected into every spare second of the broadcast.  There were honestly only 2 commercials played the entire broadcast, and they were just set to repeat.
First were the video game ads.  Over and over and over and over again they played.  Buckle up for CGI heaven when you watch.
Next were the UFC ads.  I had no idea that someone could advertise so much on their OWN SHOW!!  It was creepy.  It's like being the headliner in a comedy club, and opening for yourself. 
"Thanks everyone, you've been a great audience.  Now let's bring out the one you've all been waiting for..the one..the only...me!"
The commercials receive a 1-star rating.

The peripherals:  The only things that I remember about this broadcast were the gratuitious cleavage/ass shots of the ring girls, and Joe Rogan.
Joe Rogan is quickly climbing the list of "people that should be locked in a refrigerator, and left in a landfill."  I didn't always hate him.  He was funny in News Radio.  He was bearable in Fear Factor.  But he's beyond annoying as an announcer/analyst/tough guy/interviewer in the UFC.
I think he likes to say "rear naked choke" over and over again, just to use the word naked.  His analysis is "football jock-esque" at best, and his post-fight interviews are painful to watch.  I hate those post-fight interviews, and they need to be stopped.
Peripherals get a 1-star rating.

All in all, if you have 3 hours to kill, and are even a casual watcher of MMA, there are a good docket of fights, and you'll probably never see a 46-year old dude win again. (whoops...spilled the beans)
UFC 105 gets 3 seeing stars.

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Totinos Pizza review

Is there a better food item in this world besides pizza? The answer is no. It is the perfect combination of all 9 food groups: meat, dairy, bread, possible vegetables/fruit, meat, oils, and stuffed crust. Honestly, one could get their entire daily intake of nutrition by eating one large supreme pizza. Now, some of you might be saying that you wish you could get all the joy of eating pizza without spending 18 dollars at papa johns. Well mister or mistress, today is your lucky day.

Now I know I'm not breaking out any revelations about Totinos existence. If you are male and have ever had a sleepover or gone to college you are very familiar with the tiny pepperoni goodness. Totinos really just might be the bachelors best friend. Just be careful you don't overdose Totinos and combine it with Mountain Dew and World of Warcraft, otherwise you are headed down a very lonely, obese road.

Totinos and I go way back. It was a scandalous affair while it lasted but I had to finally commit and get married. Now my wife won't let me touch the stuff. She says the mini pizzas are too high in sodium. Totinos is definitely the one that got away. When my wife and I go grocery shopping, I pause at the freezer section and fog up the glass door. I then have to lie to my wife and tell her that Totinos means nothing to me...

Now why is Totinos so good? I wish I knew. It has everything going against it. Basically there is too little cheese, The "sauce" is basically just food coloring coating the crust, and the crust basically becomes the equivalent of an aerated cracker when it's cooked. That list doesn't sound tempting but somehow when you throw the tiny juicy square pepperonis, it becomes magic! Oh and being 88 cents doesn't hurt.

It's almost impossible to not eat one of these pizzas if you want "fast" food, it takes around 12 minutes to cook or if you wanna eye it, just take it out when the the pizza becomes 2D. Though do your best not to burn it. And if you do burn any part of the pizza just discard it, don't worry it's only 88 cents. Scientists have actually discovered that they can process fossil fuels by scraping the bottom of a burnt Totinos crust. Good for your car but not good for your gut. Now, if you wanna get crazy you can add some extra shredded cheese to your pizza. I'll tell you one thing, it doesn't hurt the taste.

Now, if anyone can tell me what the sausage is supposed to be in the combination pizza I would love to know. I wouldn't say it's inedible but it's definitely not sausage.

I give Totinos pizzas 4 stars because it is fantastic but now I feel guilty for eating them.

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Super 8 Motel Review

I don't travel all that often, but I'm as old as Moses so I have found myself looking for a place to rest my head for the evening, other than my own bed, on several occasions. Oh, and I'm cheap so almost all of those places have been 1/2 star accommodations at best. This last Friday I found myself in the thriving metropolis of Rexburg Idaho. Yes, it's as small as it sounds. I was pleased as punch to find that there was a Super 8 Motel in Rexburg. Out of all the places I've stayed at, I think Super 8 Motels have been the best of the worst.

I've stayed at Super 8's in Manassas Virginia, San Antonio Texas, Indianapolis Indiana, Vancouver Canada, Los Angeles California, Salt Lake City Utah, Burley Idaho and now Rexburg Idaho. I've enjoyed my stay at each and every one.

Price-wise they are a little more than Motel 6, but they are infinitely better. I absolutely hate Motel 6, but that is a different review. Almost every Super 8 has an indoor pool and hot tub. They are all clean. The beds have been comfortable, the rooms sufficiently big. Some even have recliners in them. They have bath/showers rather than just shower closets, so that's a bonus. Cable, WiFi and Continental Breakfast is all included. I didn't have a black-light with me, but lets be honest, who wants the results of that? I wouldn't want to put a black-light on my own bed let alone a motel bed.

Now in rating Super 8 I'm going to do so in the fairest way possible which is rate it compared to other motels of its class. They are not ideal. They are not all that great really. They are not even as good as 2-star accommodations. BUT compared to the other motels that match this description, Super 8 is ReviewSpew All-Star all the way. If you have $75 or less to spend for a room for the night, I would recommend Super 8, every single time.

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Panda Express Orange Sauce Review

Do you enjoy waiting in line for your food?  How about the realistic odds that you'll contract swine flu from a poorly washed food tray?  Do you enjoy "sorta-authentic Asian food" that is cooked by non-Asians?  How about dropping 9 dollars for a 2-choice Chinese plate with drink?  Perhaps you really appreciate small tables while eating so that phone conversations by strangers and quaint body odor invade your lunch?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, the product I'm reviewing today is not for you.  Close the window and leave now.

If you're still here, you are like me.  You like Panda Express orange chicken, but don't care for the whole Panda Express "experience."

You know, I think I'm understating how much I like orange chicken.  I LOVE orange chicken.  We're talking bathe in the sauce-love.  If they had orange chicken sauce soap dispensers at Bath and Body Works, I'd be bankrupt.

I actually don't live near a Panda Express anymore.  I don't even remember liking orange chicken as much when I did live near Panda Express.  Perhaps absence makes the heart (and stomach) grow fonder.

While walking recently through Costco, I found the answer to the heathen prayers of my gut.  Panda Express makes an orange chicken sauce in the bottle.  Even better, it comes in the "are you freaking serious" size at Costco.

I wanted to wheel the entire pallet into my car for years of orange chickeny goodness, but the wife suggested we sample it before such a large commitment is made.

Unfortunately, there are no recipe ideas on the bottle.  You're flying blind here.  This led to my first test case of marinating some chicken in the sauce while cooking in the crock pot.  While fairly tasty, this concoction did not taste anything like the quasi-Asian fare I was expecting.  Obviously some breading was necessary.

On the next try, I took some raw chicken, and dipped it into raw egg, and then a flour/cornstarch/salt/pepper mixture.  Then I fried the chicken in some Vegetable oil.  You could probably fry in a wok/pan with any oil of your choosing.
In a separate pan, I warmed a decent amount of the orange sauce.  After the fried pieces of chicken were drained of grease, I dropped them in the warm sauce, stirred, and let sit for a couple minutes.
I patiently awaited the rice cooker's tell-tale beep of white fluffiness, and topped the rice with the orange chicken goodness.

To be honest, it is VERY close to the orange chicken you'd get at Panda Express.  The sauce has a pretty "vinegary" smell/taste, and does have some spicy pop.

For those that don't want to mess with cooking crap, I suppose you could throw some chicken nuggets in the oven, and roll them in some sauce.  I may just try this to save time/dirty dishes next time.

Overall, the 5 dollars or so I spent will yield about 4 full meals for my family.  It would probably yield 8 meals for someone who is less gluttonous than me.  Supposedly there are other sauces sold by Panda express, but really---does anyone care for anything but the orange chicken?
I give the Panda Express orange chicken sauce 4 tangy stars out of 5.

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"Shower Time With Jim" Barbie Review

My two youngest children take baths in the master bathroom every evening. I’m not sure why this is, but I think it has something to do with their oldest brother declaring his enjoyment of peeing while in the shower. So they, quite innocently and naively, bathe in my shower completely unaware that I also pee in the shower. As these two are under the age of nine I will often find things when I get into the shower each morning; items like matchbox cars and army men

Last Monday I was quite shocked to find a redheaded Barbie doll in the shower. AND SHE WAS COMPLETELY NUDE!!!! Being a guy I thought of a clever way to amuse my wife. Hence, each morning after putting the kids on the bus, she steps into the shower to find a redheaded Barbie doll in some kinky sexual position. I know, my humor tends to lean in that direction

(CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE)

Although I’ve had daughters for over 16 years, I haven’t taken the opportunity to play with the dozen or so Barbie Dolls that reside at my house. That is until now. I don’t know about the other Barbie Dolls but this one, which I have dubbed “Shower Time With Jim” Barbie is great

CLICK HERE FOR ADDITIONAL IMAGE

Red hair gives any woman (plastic, real or real with plastic enhancements) a star. For just being drop dead gorgeous, having a nice rack, and extruding raw sexuality I give her a 2nd star. For making me not feel self conscious about my obesity and hairy body I give her a 3rd star.

But there are drawbacks. She is no where nearly as pose-able as I would have liked and was therefore pretty limited in what I could do with her. Also, although it is red, her hair is made of some funky material that is hard to braid, put up into a bun or just plain manage at all. So for those two short-comings, the “Shower Time With Jim” Barbie only scores 3 stars.

BARBIE IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF MATTEL INC. Mattel does not endorse, support and hopefully doesn’t even know about Review-Spew.com. “Shower Time With Jim” Barbie is not an actual product of Mattel Inc. The pictures herein were produced and used without permission of Mattel Inc. All models depicted herein are over the simulated age of 18. The management of Review-Spew.com does not condone the grooming and abuse of Barbie Dolls or any Mattel product. All consent and release forms have been signed and are on file with the management of Review-Spew.com. Shower responsibly. “Shower Time With Jim” Barbie is now fully clothed and residing in her house in Malibu. She’s recovering quickly from her ordeal.

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