Paranormal Activity Movie Review

I have decided to get into film making. I made some pretty scary movies when I was in junior high that I think could make millions. I say this because Paranormal Activity only cost the director $11,000 to make and it has since made over 60 million! I think he even shot it in his house. My movie isn't quite as subtle as a haunting story though. It centers around a man who was getting his picture taken at Yellowstone sulfur pits and he backed up too far and melted. He now massacres Japanese tourists taking pictures. His name is "Killgore." Pretty original name I know.

Paranormal Activity has come out of nowhere this past month and has relied on good word-of-mouth advertising to become a huge success. It is very reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project, which is why I will be comparing them.

If you watch the preview for PA you will see movie audiences getting freaked out, mostly girls and guys with turtlenecks, that is. It gives little to no information about the actual movie. I'll break it down without giving any spoilers. A couple has decided to film themselves at night to find out what has been going bump in the night. As they provoke whatever is haunting them, the hauntings get worse. Yeah, that's it in a nutshell.

Now for the question. Is it actually scary? Yes, it relies on building suspense and watching the couple in tense, unexplainable situations. Over half of the movie is the couple during the day talking about what happened the night before. This can get tedious. They bicker back and forth and you hope that at least one gets killed off. Thankfully the boyfriend can actually be funny. So a few good scares and laughs is worth it. The best bits of the movie are when the camera is set up in their bedroom at night and the fun begins. Not that kind of fun, perverts. The reason this movie and the blair witch are scary is that you don't really see what is out to get you. The movie builds up to a great climax but sadly gives you a cheap scare to close it off. I wish it ended more like Blair Witch, who could forget that ending where they were running through the abandoned house with the handprints and screaming and children laughing....and then Mike is standing facing the corner. Oh, I get the chills just thinking of it.

For those of you who complain of motion sickness, you might get a little nauseous, but it's nothing compared to cloverfield or blair witch. The acting is much better in paranormal than blair witch as well. Yes you might get annoyed with the couple and wish they had a brain between them, but at least they aren't playing hot potato with the camera saying "Where's the F%#in' map!" "I don't F#%ing have the F$%ing map!" "Who has the F$*in' map?!" "Is that Dora?" "She has the F$%#ing map!" In short, the dialogue is tolerable in Paranormal Activity.

Basically this is one scary movie because it hits you where you feel the safest - Home. I honestly was afraid to sleep alone that night. Don't take your wife to this movie if you want her to ever feel safe at home. Is it a good film? Not really. There is little to no plot. But it is definitely effective at providing lasting chills. Plus, There is no better movie to get you into the Halloweener spirit.

I give Paranormal Activity 3 emotional scars out of 5.

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Sonic chicken strip meal for $3.99 Review

Sonic has a lot going for it.  First, it has some of the best drinks of any fast-food joint in the country.  Secondly, their commercials are truly hilarious.  Thirdly, if you're a perverted middle-aged man who enjoys cute underage girls in roller skates brininging you food--this is the place.  Fourth, the food....nevermind.  Fourth, the atmosphere...nevermind.  Fourth, they have really good salt packets.

On second thought, Sonic sucks.  If you're not into good drinks or jailbait, there really isn't a reason to even stop by.
Speaking of this whole "roller-skating" window service---doesn't this negate the entire concept of a fast food restaurant?  I want one of two things from a fast-food place:

Either I get my food from the drive-thru in a short time, and don't have to interact with the employees for more than 15 seconds
or
I order my food in the restaurant and only want the employees to take my order and give me my drink cup so I can sit down in solitude.

Having a pimply-faced teenager stick a food tray on my window goes against all that I hold dear in my patronage.

So are the drinks good enough to sway an unwilling customer to order their food???  I suppose they were for me.
I stopped at the Sonic drive-thru, ready to drop a 2-spot on a large Coke with delicious crunchy ice, and noticed that they had a chicken finger basket for $3.99.  You get 4 chicken fingers, 2 pieces of toast, country gravy, fries, and onion ring, and a medium drink. (which I promply upsized to a large)  2 dollars more to get all this food in addition to my drink?  Sign me up!

(I didn't get my onion ring by the way...I think the onion ring is like the nerdy tag along kid of the "side-items" family.  Nobody really pays attention to him and he rarely gets ordered, but every now and again, you'll get a rogue onion ring with your fries like he's trying to fit in.  Dude...I don't care what you get dressed up in---you're still an onion.)

Let's just say that I don't even remember eating the food it was so forgettable.  Was it good?  Was it bad?  I don't know....I don't remember anything about it.  Unfortunately, this probably speaks more to the quality of the food being on the poor side.  WAIT!!!---I do remember asking for a tub of honey mustard....I think.

If you're hungry, and jonesing for a Sonic Coke, the chicken strip basket is probably worth your while to stop in.  If you only want a Sonic drink, I suggest waiting until their "happy hour" (2-4pm) where their drinks are half-price.

I give the chicken strip dinner a 3-star rating....the Coke was delicious, and crappy food for 2 dollars is a much better price than all the other crappy fast food joints.

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Swine Flu Review

This is part two of my unintentional two-part review regarding the Swine Flu. In Part 1 I reviewed the anti-viral drug Tamiflu. I posted that at 5AM last Monday. Forty hours later I had a fever of 103 and could speak fluent Portuguese.

First of all, as far as the flu goes, this thing has it all. It has it's standards, you know the fever, the aches, chills, sweats, dizziness, nausea and for that I give it two stars. But it does so much more than that.

I have to give it a third star for the ferocious manner in which it inflicted me. I woke up Tuesday morning feeling just fine and dandy. I spent most of the day dealing with what I thought was some soda-pop that went down my wind-pipe, in other words, a minor cough. I left work that evening around 6PM, still feeling fine but starting to get annoyed with the cough. By 10PM my chest was killing me, my nose was all stuffy, the room was spinning and I couldn't stand. By midnight I was caught up in the full ravishes of the Swine Flu.

Only the most wicked of ailments will torment me with memories of Mr. Moyle. Mr. Moyle was a substitute algebra teacher I had in the 8th grade. After he cracked a kid across the back with a yardstick I spoke up and said, "HEY. You can't do that." The room grew silent. He slowly walked around behind me and whacked me across the back with the yardstick also. I weakly said something like "I'm going to tell" and he said something about them not believing me and I lost all my nerve and never told. So kudos to you Swine Flu because you sent me back to the 8th grade being abused by Mr. Moyle. You just scored a 4th star.

But no other sickness, fever, or illness has ever done what the Swine Flu managed to do to me. Never before in my entire life have I been robbed of my desire for the Holy Trifecta. Maybe one of those desires; sometimes even two, but never all three of them at the same time. Yes, it's true. For several days there I lost all the drive, and all the desire for food, sex and TV. Damn you Swine Flu. You are the very best and the very baddest bug on the planet right now and my hats off to you sir. You are a certified ReviewSpew All-Star. May you rot in hell!

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Craigslist Review

I have always hated the garage sell, the goers, the sellers, and the entire concept of weeding through people’s old crap looking for a bargain. Problem is, I am a cheap bastard which forces me into this world that I despise. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate a deal or trying to make back a few bucks on that exercise equipment that has literally been used zero times, it is because of the culture. Yard sells have now morphed into a more insidious animal, one that brings this culture to a new low. This animal is Craigslist. I can pretty much break my issues down to 4 basic categories of disgust.

1. The Looky Loo. This guy is always in search of everything, problem is, he never finds anything that will separate him from his cash. He will call you, email you, setup time to check out your crap, but never, ever will he buy anything. Deep down, he knows he doesn’t have a dime and has no business looking, but he persists under the guise that he is an interested party. I really think he is just looking for some companionship and someone to B.S. with. Just try to sell a weight set. You will have 10 Looky Loos tell you how much they used to bench yet never make an offer on your set.

2. The Undercutter. This person will push a good deal to the point of insult every time they make an offer. I have a perfect case-in-point for this one. Consider a large community sell that I participated in as a seller a couple of years ago. First off, I don’t sell junk, if it isn’t nearly new, I give it to Goodwill or throw it in the trash. That being said, I had a toilet cozy set for sale. You know, the little carpet mat that goes around the base of the toilet with the matching seat cozy. I am not a fecal flinging freak so obviously this was a brand new set still stapled to the cardboard. It must not have matched the towels or was a horrible wedding gift, I don’t recall which, but it didn’t work with our ensemble...so out it went. I had just spent 20 min. with a Looky Loo explaining the intricate specs of a sound system that I was giving away for $25. I lost the sale. Must have been the fact that I was asking 5% of its real value or that I didn’t have a Sir-Mix-A lot demo tape to show off the teeth chattering bass. Anyhow, a lady walks up and starts looking at the potty carpet. She turns it over and over again and then starts pulling at the individual fibers. She studies it for at least 5 min. I am watching… and waiting for it. Oh yeah, did I mention that I was asking $1 for it. After pealing at some of the backing she finally says, “Some of the carpet is coming out of this, would you take 50 cents?” I said, “It’s ok, you can just have it for free if you want it.” To my surprise, she gets angry and says “I don’t want it for free, I want it for 50 cents”. OoooK. “Give me both of those shiny quarters then.” After finding change for her dollar bill, she took her change and the commode sweater and left knowing she got the best of me.

3. The Hit and Run. These people send emails out to roughly 1000 people a week inquiring about ads. No matter how quickly you respond or what you say in your response, these people will never respond to email. They hit you with email and never again return communication. This one is a complete mystery to me but I imagine this is the email equivalent of impulse buying a Big Mac 30 min before dinner and then hiding the wrapper under the car seat so your spouse won’t know. Freaks.

4. The spammer. If you have ever posted on Craig’s List then you are familiar with the email that says something like “I noticed your ‘whatever’ ad and wanted to show you how, with a few tweaks, you could get a lot more money for said item.” or “don’t sell your stuff for cash, earn more money from home now”. I have gotten excited one too many times thinking I had a response to my ad only to find out that it is Spam. Spamming should be punishable by death, and will be if I ever rule the world.

Most of my problems with garage sells translate directly to Craig’s List, because really, it is its modern day incarnation. To alleviate some of the pain, I generally only buy. Though, in the recent past I have been required to do some selling. When I buy, I never offer less money than they ask unless I really think it is overpriced. If it is fair and in good condition, I just pay them the fair price that they are asking. When selling, I always ask way too low a price hoping people will recognize the deal they are getting and just pay me quickly and get the Hell out of my house. To my dismay, the latter strategy has proven useless. I now know that no matter what you ask, people ALWAYS offer less. If you are a buyer, I say Craig’s List is fantastic; you have no consequences for your crimes. You can grab a bargain with little effort. If you are a Seller, really evaluate how much time you have to spend and how well you can tolerate the above mentioned people. You will likely eventually sell, but end up hating another 20% of the population in the process. What can you do? Barter on my fellow cheapskates.

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State Fair review

A few weeks ago I had the "occasion" to venture into the state fair. Don't ask me why but my wife and I have made it tradition to go for the past four years. It's very possible we're sado-masochists(or just closet white-trash). Now it's seems odd that I'm reviewing state fairs in general. I would tell you the specific state that held the fair, but does it really matter? I believe state fairs are the exact same white-trash havens from sea to shining sea.

Let me break state fairs down for ya. A fair cannot be complete without the 4 C's. No, I don't mean cut, clarity, color, etc. I mean (C)arnies, (C)rappy food, (C)ows, and (C)atastrophe waiting to happen.

Let's start with the Carnies. We all know the type. When I think of them I get terrifying visuals of the characters of Something Wicked this Way Comes. Though something has changed in the last ten years. There must have been some pretty intense customer service training. Now, instead of walking through the "coin flip" game alley with grimacing looks and chewing tobacco being spit on me from employees at every side. Now they are Carnies: The Next Generation. I am greeted by smiles in every direction. Though the smiles don't exactly say "Welcome to the fair, will you please ride the ferris wheel I built yesterday?" Instead their sneering grin says "You sucker, you paid 10 bucks to eat bad food and get diarrhea while fearing for your life on makeshift rides..."

If you wanna satisfy your morbid curiosity you can visit the obligatory sideshow. The featured exhibit this year was the world's smallest woman. This may sound like a good thing to see but once you realize you just paid money to stand in line and look at a human being, you realize the ridiculousness of it. And it's a little shameful to boot. Now if it were a she-male, that would be a different story.

The second C is Crappy Food. And by crappy I mean expensive and it tastes like Sh@#. Your choices for fine fair cuisine are either a navajo taco for 8 dollars, a slice of pepperoni pizza that contains more grease than the hair of the guy selling it, or a foot long corn dog that is guaranteed to give you food poisoning before you see the fair's hypnotist.

Every time I go to the fair I need to see the farm animals. Though once I do I rush through it as soon as possible. Did I really just spend 10 dollars to stand in a barn that is drenched in sheep urine? But it's always a treat to see the prize winning pig and think, you're gonna be bacon and you're gonna be delicious. See ya at Dennys.

The final C is for Catastrophe. This consists of all the rides that the fair offers. I'm not saying there are accidents every day but tell me how you can feel safe riding upside down on something that can be packed up in a truck. The day of reckoning will come for these carnival rides and it will be bloody. I must say that demolition derbies are a guilty pleasure of mine, I really am white trash. There is nothing like seeing two cars that reek of gasoline crash into each other and give the crowd the car-nage they need. I kid you not, I swear that I saw my '96 Ford Taurus that I traded in for cash for clunkers in the last derby. And it did very well.

Speaking of catastrophe, the band playing at the fair this year was Boys 2 Men. Yes, on bended knee and all. How far the mighty have fallen.

So I made it out of the fair alive, but I was 100 dollars poorer and smelled of goat urine. All in all it was a 2 star trip. Not the blue ribbon experience I was hoping for.

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Black Jack Taco from Taco Bell review

The math geeks at Taco Bell are at it again.  They know that they can release a "new" product every 2 months using the same ingredients that they've kept in the restaurant since 1993.  They have calculated the number of permutations until they have to add a new ingredient into the mix.  At the rate Taco Bell releases "new" food items, it will be 2018 before they have to throw in something new...like real meat.  I've discussed this in the past in my other (basically defunct, but completely hilarious) blog in describing laws of the universe.  If you're interested in a good read---click here!!

The "new" item in restaurants now is the Black Jack taco.  They've taken a black crisp taco shell and filled it with their quasi-meat, pepper jack sauce, lettuce, and cheese.  As in all Taco Bell items, you should probably douse the item with at least 3 Hot sauce packets---Not mild or Fire.  Hot.  By the way, put some Hot sauce on a dirty penny.  15 minutes later, wipe off the Hot sauce, and then stop wondering why explosive diarrhea is synonymous with Taco Bell food.

To be honest, this taco tastes almost identical to the other fare on the menu.  If it was any more than 89 cents, I wouldn't ever purchase this again.  Luckily, it is the same price as a regular taco.  So if you're interested in getting 10 grams of fat more for the same price and taste---be my guest!!

A question some are raising is the reasoning behind the Black Jack taco.  Is this a Halloween theme?  Perhaps they want to use a play on words with the sauce to coincide with the Poker championships on ESPN?  Are the closet rascists correct in stating that Taco Bell paid off a bunch of Nobel prize voters?
Regardless of the reasoning, I think Michael Jackson said it best.  "It doesn't matter if you're black or white."  Black taco shell, white taco shell....it's pretty much the same taste.

I think the best question to be asked, is whether you think 5 dollars of Black Jack tacos will have any effect on the long-term health of your colon.

If you are a person who could rate an item from taco bell 5 stars, then you might as well give this one 5 stars as it tastes basically the same.  Unfortunately, Taco Bell food barely scrapes its way to a 1-star rating----but the cheap price tag boosts this one up a star.  The Black Jack taco gets a 2-star anal spew rating.  Eat up...and bring a book to the bathroom.

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Tamiflu Review

I really feel bad for the National Pork Society or the Organization for the Promotion of Pork Products or whatever the group is that is responsible for promoting the benefits of Pork products because they failed and failed badly. Despite a full throttle push to get us to call it the N1H1 Virus I do believe it will forever be called The Swine Flu, and it should be. In my opinion The Swine Flu sounds more scary. It instills images in peoples’ minds of something hideous like the pig monster at the end of Swamp Thing.
Whatever you want to call it, the Swine Flu sucks. One of my sons got it and quickly after that, another son got it. I had never seen either of them so sick before and I must admit it scared the crap out of me. When the second kid got it, the doctor put the whole family on Tamiflu.

For the adults and older kids it was a complete no brainer. You have to take a pill twice a day for five days. No problem whatsoever. It was kind of spendy as far as prescriptions go though. It was incredibly effective as the boys started feeling much better within a day or two.

The liquid form for the smaller kids was a nightmare all by itself. First, its in short supply and after going to 3 different pharmacies and not finding it, I called around and the fourth pharmacy I called finally had a supply of it. Second, it smelled rancid and it's thick and gelatinous. Thankfully it only needs to be taken twice a day, but it was darn near impossible to get them to take it that often.

My wife went and got the bubblegum flavoring added to it, which is a must, just so it at doesn't smell so bad. It did little for the flavor though. I finally figured out what needed to be done and that is pour out the dosage and then add a touch of water to it to thin it out so they can drink it more like a shot then trying to get them to slurp down bubble gum smelling phlegm.

Despite being expensive and really difficult to get your younger kids to take, Tamiflu is a lifesaver. It made those of us that were ill, better and I'm sure prevented the rest of us from getting what was a horrible case of the flu. I give it 4-stars. If you or someone you love has the Swine Flu then you should give it a try.

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NOS energy drink Review

I'll admit that I'm not a huge energy drink connesuir. I rely mostly on natural endorphins and a cocktail of Adderall, quaaludes, and fish oil to get the body rolling in the morning.
The taste is the biggest deterrent to my energy drink sabbatical. I'm sure that others have become accustomed to the taste of most energy drinks, and are ready to make the natural leap to childrens Tylenol as the flavor is very similar.

A friend swears by the NOS, and suggested that I give it a try as he promised the taste was not the death knell like other energy drinks.

I chose the original NOS, which came in a 16 oz can, and has a "citrus-like" taste. They also now make grape and fruit punch in case you want to reminisce about your childhood when you enjoyed otter-pops on a sunny afternoon.
To be honest, the taste was not that bad. Imagine you took some soda water, and added a bunch of Tang...and threw in some aspirin for the patented energy drink "bitter taste." The after-taste was not overpowering, as the drink is quite sweet. I hear there is a sugar-free NOS, and might try this in the future.

The drink is heavy in taurine, caffeine, and ginseng, and did not disappoint. The "kick" was noticeable, and gave me an instant "zip." It's like I turned into "super-engineer." My fingers flew across the keyboard, I started seeing circuit diagrams in purple 3-D, and added a few extra pens to my pocket protector for good measure. NOS is kind of like my spinach to Popeye, except it didn't increase my strength, masculinity, or help me score a chick named Olive Oil.

I do have a serious question about the marketing campaign for the drink. I realize that they are equating NOS to the gas which helps engines create more horsepower. They'd like me to have visions of Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson drifting around turns while the police are completely oblivious to a couple thousand people drag racing on city streets.
Call me old school, but hearing the word NOS brings completely different visions to my mind. I think of tweakers in Prodigy shirts with glow-in-the-dark necklaces bouncing around in old warehouses to a little house trance music while sucking liquid power out of a balloon. (I exceeded the suggested count of prepositional phrases in this sentence)
I also am reminded of the dentist, as he goes to town on my bicuspid with a monster drill....all the while, my mind wondering if my legs are floating.

Luckily, the net effect of NOS is nothing like the dentist or balloon-sucking. In fact, I kind of feel like the original fast and furious...you know, the one with Vin Diesel. I'm kind of like Vin Diesel...if he were 75 pounds lighter, had a little Buddha gut, and had more Jewish features and hair all over his body. Oy Vey.

NOS is pretty good...especially if you aren't used to the "boost" in the morning from caffeine. There was a decent 3 hour stretch where I could feel colors, and smell numbers. Neo had nothing on me. Unfortunately, the elevated heart rate and subsequent energy crash were a little troubling. Perhaps I could eat a Big Mac with my NOS...with the 2 canceling each other out.

I give NOS a decent 3-star rating. It's not as bad as Tokyo drift, but not as good as the original Fast and the furious.

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Fatwallet.com Website Review

The time is nigh at hand when I will purchase 100% of my Christmas gifts online. Every year I come closer to the goal of sitting on my fat ass for the entire Christmas shopping season while tired Mothers awake at 4AM the day after Thanksgiving, worried husbands shop on Christmas eve at the Flying J, and panicked parents pay exorbitant costs for the last scraps of toys on the shelves.

If you despise most of the human population as I do, you definitely need to follow my lead, and become a regular visitor to fatwallet.com. This website should be one of your main sources of information when searching for online deals and coupons.
This isn't one of those coupon sites where you'll find the same lame coupon for free shipping at Old Navy either. This is like having a buddy who has all the answers to the tests in college. You can't believe how lucky you are to be on the "inside."
The staff at fatwallet have put together a smorgasbord of coupons, cash-back, and forums where users share their deals.
While the coupons are OK...this is not the bread and butter of the site. The forums generate an extremely high amount of "deals" that are posted by users of the site.
For example, if I found a closeout on drugstore.com for Durex pink glow-in-the-dark condoms which were only a couple months past their expiration date, I could post this deal on the "hot deals" forum. The users could comment and rate how good the deal is. Personally, I wouldn't pay more than 5 bucks for a box of used condoms...but that's just me.
The unfortunate thing with the site lies in the irony of the website name. After spending a decent amount of time on the site, you'll have nothing resembling a fat wallet. Quite the contrary. Your newegg, Visa, and Amex accounts will definitely be inching higher after you find a sweet deal on a 50" Plasma, I-roomba vacuum, and Omaha steaks. (BTW...Omaha steaks are well known to renege on an online deal, and their name should be spoken with vile and distrust around the forums. I once thought I had a sweet deal on a grundle-load of steaks and burgers only to be virtually slapped in the face with a cancellation notice.)

Also nice on the site is the cash-back feature. When you make a purchase from a partner website, you can earn anywhere from 1-10% cash back on your purchase.
There are also multiple forums for financial advice, free crap on the Internet, and how to get free dinner at golden corral if you have no arms or legs. (OK, I made that last part up, but don't you think you could get free dinner anywhere if you had no arms or legs? I'm just saying that you should look at the silver lining)
In fact, you'll find a future review for a "free item" I am receiving from PETA. It's so freaking awesome, I think I just peed my pants a little.

Needless to say, I score sweet deals on toys, electronics, and multiple other items from this site on a regular basis. The site has literally saved me thousands of dollars since I have become a member.
If the nuances of online shopping, finding a good deal, and avoiding 300 pound women fighting over a discounted Candy Land game are difficult to grasp, please stick with your regular routine. Otherwise, fatwallet.com garners a strong 4-star rating, only to be dinged by the fact that someone isn't actually moving the mouse for me while I balloon to another high in weight. Isn't online shopping easy?!!

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