Xanterra Camping Reservation in Yellowstone Review

I am constantly amazed by the progress of technology.
Some of the things that have caught my attention recently are:

Forced blinking for video gamers. I guess that when one plays a first person shooter for 5 hours straight, the tendency is to not blink lest you are pulverized by a rail gun in your momentary lapse of concentration. Medical "experts" have found that not blinking is bad for vision, so a Japanese manufacturer has come up with an attachment to a pair of glasses that will monitor your blinking. If you don't blink in 5 seconds, it will fog up the lens, and your brain will dictate a blink. It's like 150 bucks.
For 25 bucks, my daughter will stand next to you and blow in your face every 10 seconds for an hour. I guarantee you'll be blinking.

I saw a new IPOD app called "run and pee." It is an app that will tell you the best time to go pee while you're watching a movie so that you don't miss any good scenes. Word on the street, is that you can urinate during any Twilight movie from minute 0 to the end credits without missing anything.

They even have a USB-interactive "self-pleasuring" device for men and women. I'm not lying. Someone has decided to send signals to the "rumble pack" in your device that corresponds with whatever "online entertainment" you are enjoying. On a separate note, I have a friend who "says" he thought of this on his own, and wanted to patent it. It turns out that he was a little late in the idea. He has also suggested cotton penis caps for those that drip pee in their pants when they're finished. He's well on his way to becoming a millionaire methinks.

With all the modern technological advancements, you'd think that making a reservation to camp in Yellowstone National Park would be a piece of cake. I mean, it's the Nation's first National Park, with over 3 million visitors yearly. Their budget would make small countries jealous.

So how would you guess that they handle their reservations?? They pass it off to a 3rd party company called Xanterra.

The name Xanterra brings to mind striped tigers racing through a national preserve. What I really found out is that it is translated to mean "give me your money sucker" in white trash speak.

I conveniently logged on to their website to choose a campsite for which me and my family could enjoy the wildlife of Yellowstone. I'm a fairly regular camper, and enjoy most state and national park websites where I can choose my campsite, and see if there is availability. This gives you a little glimpse as to how close you are to the bathrooms, where the nearest neighbors reside, and a chance to pick a campsite off the beaten path.

Xanterra does not believe in the theory of choice. Instead, they want you to call an actual human being to set up your reservation over the phone.

I gave them a call, and was interrogated over the size of my party, tent, and vehicle. After giving him my Visa number, he obviously wanted to end the call.
I asked the hickish gentleman if I could choose my campsite if I arrived early.
He strictly read me the policy that campsites are chosen randomly a day before your arrival, and would be suited to the needs of my party.
I asked him if I could switch if I hated the site?
He slightly giggled, and told me no.

Fearing a gestapo-like response to any further questions, I hung up the phone.

Weeks later we arrived at our destination. We checked in at the main cabin, and were given our tent site.
Remember that old commercial where everybody was holding hands across America with Barbara Streisand? (fine...I'll just post it below)




This was the basic setup of the campground. We really didn't need to take a couple steps before we were standing next to the campers in the site beside us.
On the other side of the street, there were people playing flag football and staging musicals in their sites without encroaching into other sites. It was ridiculous.
I've never felt more cramped at a campsite, but knew that according to the turd reich Xanterra, I wouldn't be able to switch.

What would it take to enable online reservations on their website? 2 over-the-hill city IS employees could throw together some code in a couple of weeks.
By being able to choose my campsite, I would visit the park sooner rather than later in the next few years.

Hail Xantera...to the tune of 1 star...only because they didn't double charge my credit card and hassle me because of my Jewish roots.

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Bass Pro Shop Review

I was recently in Phoenix AZ on a family vacation and had the opportunity to head into one of my father’s favorite places, the Bass Pro Shop. As to why I was vacationing in Phoenix in mid-July, let’s just say that I have led a sinful life and wanted to know, first hand, what the fiery depths of Hell will feel like when I leave this earth. Having the flesh seared from my bones while twisting on a spit in the fourth ring won’t be so bad now that I have golfed in 115 degree heat.

First, I have to say that the Bass Pro Shop was very well air-conditioned. 2 Stars just for having a cool haven in that inferno, and that is no small feat considering there is roughly one billion cubic feet of building to cool. Yeah, the store is big. Really big. If you are an outdoorsy type, they have it all. The prices didn’t seem super cheap, but they focus on high quality name brands that demand a premium everywhere. I wanted to see the sporting goods, but we mostly went to look at the displays. My kids loved all of the animals and multi-floor scaled wildlife scenes. The fish tanks were monstrous and filled with some impressive fish. A water fall flowed into a little stream full of fish and taxidermy animals adorned every wall and faux rock. All of this eye candy was a big hit with the kiddies. They also had different animal footprints on the floors and the little ones spent quite a while following those trying to identify the paw prints.

I headed into the fishing section just to see the scale of the inventory they keep and was astonished that you could buy lures for everything from Rainbow Trout to basically a Great White Shark. They really do have it all. The fly fishing section was amazing and the high end specialty sections offer a selection for even the biggest die-hards with the deepest pockets.

They also had a little shooting gallery, a video shooting gallery, an archery range, a marina for test driving canoes, a high end gun section, a sizeable golf section, and a snack bar. They also sell boats, 4-wheelers, and camo paint jobs for your truck. The size and scope of this store is amazing and although I only bought a pair of sunglasses, I could see how my credit card could get seriously abused in this place if I lived closer.

If Heaven had an earthly face…it would be Halle Berry, if it was an earthly place, it would be Bass Pro Shop. I love you Bass Pro Shop but can only give you 4 stars as you are too far away and long distance relationships never work.

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Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince review

The summer movie season is almost over. The new GI Joe is coming out next month but due to the preview I can't say that one is going to be any good. After the disappointment that was Transgenders 2, I was salivating for a good movie. Enter the 6th Harry Potter movie.

Six movies...wow! No other film series has gone on this long, well, except for the Saw movies (6 this year), and the Land Before Time (13 so far). Funny that all these are kids movies. For those who love the Harry Potter series, don't worry, for some reason the last book is being split up into two movies. Actually, it's a pretty good idea. Hmmm, make one movie that will make half a billion dollars or make two that will make a billion. Yeah, makes sense.

So this movie is titled the Half Blood Prince but actually has little to do with the title at all. The main fault of the movie is that there is really little to no story at all. The movie is so laden with teenage romance angst that it instead should be called Harry Potter and the Hormonal Puberty Stage. Now I'm not complaining that the movie is so filled with awkward romance. It actually makes the movie very entertaining. This is the first Potter movie that I laughed out loud. (lol, for the texting folk, btw) Ron "Ginger" Weasely actually steals every scene he's in and is great comic relief. I'm a sucker for teenage awkwardness and this movie actually made me feel very reminiscent of high school. Bet you guys never knew I went to Hogwarts. Well I never finished but I eventually got my wizardry GED.

I know that "the big twist" was already given in the book and most people know about it, but did they really have to start the movie by saying "_____ is the bad guy, you know it, we know it." If I hadn't read the book I would have wanted a little twist in the movie at least.

I'm not the most sensitive person in the world. Sure, I cry in corners daily but I am pretty desensitized. But I was pretty surprised this movie got a PG rating. Actually the rating turned me off before I saw the movie. But I would say it deserves an easy PG-13. This was easily the darkest of the movies. It had plenty of blood, sexual references, and some pretty scary scenes that I'm not sure kids could handle. I know I couldn't (see also crying in the corner).

I have kind of hated on this movie a little bit but funny enough I ended up enjoying it. It was my second favorite Potter movie after the Prisoner of Azkaban. Though that's kind of like saying the Meatball sub is my second favorite sandwich at Subway. Average food, average movies. The Potter movies have all been good, but never achieved the level of greatness of say, Lord of the Rings.

Harry Potter and the discovery of new body hair lacks a story and sadly that keeps it away from 4 stars, but still stands out in a summer of mediocre movies. It gets 3 lightning scars.

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Costco Executive Membership Review

If ever there were a "grocery heaven" on earth, Costco is it. You're greeted by a messenger at the front gates. You wander brightly lit aisles with food stacked to the ceiling. In fact, the only negative is that if you let your spending habits run amok, you're coming out of there 300 bucks poorer, and you can't remember one thing you bought. Try it...try spending less than 100 bucks there.

Compared to the "grocery hell" of Walmart, we see that they are polar opposites.

Walmart--Aisle is only wide enough for a 6-axe handle ass girth...which is strained daily.
Costco--I've literally played handball in the aisles.

Walmart--Next time you're there, go on "sweats count." This is where you count the number of people wearing sweats---or as George Costanza would put it, have "given up."
Costco--It's where hot moms and Golds Gym Dudes shop.

Walmart--Free samples are located on the floor of the aisles where a 3-year old opened a bag of duplex cookies.
Costco--Friendly old ladies are more than happy to have you try their sushi, steak bites, or fresh cheese on crackers.

Walmart--Your kids will learn at least 3 curse words in one 45 minute visit.
Costco--Where the words "sure we'll take the item back" is commonplace.

Walmart--68% chance of contracting swine flu.
Costco--People with swine flu can't push the big carts, so your odds are greatly diminished of contracting the sickness.

Enough...this isn't a review of Costco compared to other stores, but of the Costco Executive membership.
If you're a Costco member, you'll know that you pay your 50 bucks just to grace the store with your presence. How on Earth can they justify charging 50 bucks more for an executive membership? What do I get for the extra 50 bucks?

Well, first off they give you 2% back on most purchases made at Costco. This means that if you spend $2500 a year there, you've basically paid for your executive membership. But, there is a maximum benefit you can receive. They cap the cash back at $500, which means you'd have to spend $25,000 in one year at Costco, and you then have a serious spending problem.

Even better is that they offer a money-back guarantee on the cash back. If you don't get the 50 dollars in cash back, you can opt out of the program, and they'll give you your 50 bucks back. (minus whatever 2% rewards you earned)

What's the catch?

I grilled the Costco sales rep on this very point. He said there was none, and explained thus:
By a customer moving up to the executive membership, there was a higher chance that they would do A LOT more shopping at Costco to maximize their rewards. So Costco gets more business, and you get a guarantee that you'll make your 50 bucks back one way or another.

In addition, there are many other benefits you can check out on the web page. Things like extra discounts on checks, to roadside assistance on their auto insurance.

If you are a single guy/gal, then Costco might not be the best fit for you. Most likely you don't need a 6-pack of left hand golf gloves, or a 5-pound bag of carrots. Although, if you're in the market for a new TV, and drop $2000 on one at Costco, you've almost made up your 50 dollar reward in one shot. So it might be worth a visit.

On the other hand, if you normally purchase more than 48 rolls of toilet paper every pay period, or like to buy your pretzels in 3 pound increments, then this is definitely going to work for you.

And on the way out of the store, you can pick up an all-beef hot dog whose length would make any American male happy, or a piece of pizza the size of a large chihuahua.

Costco executive memberships thrifts its way to a 4-star rating....only knocked a star because its not free.

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Philips Norelco BG2020 Bodygroom Shaver Review

Caution: The following review contains candid descriptions of man and his battle with his own personal nemesis, his body hair.

If you are a dude in the year 2009 and still think it is effeminate to manscape, then you need a wake-up call. If your girlfriend or wife won’t tell you, I will, you are a disgusting, hairy, smelly pig. Trim it up bushman. I won’t even go into the hygene issues associated with keeping that mangled crotch-fro, but here is an analogy. Have you ever had a piece of clothing with a huge patch of Velcro? What does that Velcro look like after a week or two? It has everything from lint to threads to left over cupcake permanently welded into the fibers. You can’t clean it no matter what you do. Now think of that same piece of Velcro after 30 years, but store it in a 100% humidity, mildue chamber that you douse with wet toilet paper and Goldbond medicated powder 3 times a day. Sorry, I just threw up a little bit in my mouth…but you get the point.

So we have established the need, now the tough part, how to defuzz the peaches. How to spruce up the old wedding tackle without a major incident. The thought of razor blades and power tools around your “tenders” makes even the toughest man-beast cringe with fear, but I have found the solution, the Norelco BG2020 Bodygroom shaver. It has a couple of combs that allow multiple trim lengths. Remember, nobody said you needed to go smooth as silk. I much prefer the Miami Vice high and tight look to the “bald as a 12 year old boy” approach, but to each his own. It also has a nice micro screen that really prevents the pinch that other face trimmers tend to offer your nethers. But by far, the best part is, this thing is waterproof so you can use it in the shower, when you actually get a little private time. There’s nothing worse than your wife walking in the bathroom finding you standing in the bathtub in a full Sumo squat trying to dig deep with your mustache trimmer in one hand and your twig and berries in the other trying to keep the skin tight. That image will haunt her for decades, and your broken concentration will likely trigger a skin slackening that will result in the worst shaving accident of your life. A wad of toilet paper won’t stop that fount. You’ll be gushing for hours.

The BG2020, on the other hand, lets you breathe a little easier as it really does prevent cuts because if its design. I’ve gotten pretty aggressive with this thing and am still scab free. Plus, for the first time in my life, I was able to deforest the valley without contortionist like moves. Women, you have no idea how hard it is to shave your crack, cause you don’t have hairy tails like us. My hind quarter is a yard wide and a foot deep and no ordinary trimmer can negotiate those kinds of angles, but the BG2020 is precisely that, no ordinary trimmer. I’m happy to say my crack is as smooth as glass.

The battery seems pretty good although it isn’t lithium ion, but the trimmer is also pretty cheap too. Norelco has some newer models, but this one is only $33 on Amazon right now and seems to have all the qualities of the more expensive ones. Cost was another reason I picked this model.

Your wife spends hours shaving, waxing, tearing, burning, and chemically removing body hair for you, the least you can do is buff up the ol’ undercarriage once in a while for her. While you’re at it, hit the pits and that back patch just above your ass too. When you see your wife’s reaction, you can leave your thank you notes via the comment section of this review.

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Drive-In Movie review

If you look at the Endangered Species list you will find "Drive-Ins" right between the Dracula Ant and the Dromedary Pearlymussel. Gone are the golden days of the 50's where everyone would go to the burger stop and go catch the newest monster flick called "Man-tis" or "The invasion of the grasshopper race of planet 21." Now drive-in movies are few and far between. If you don't know where you can find one you can usually go to wherever a swap meet is held and it will double as a drive-in at night. Yes, it's that classy. Don't be surprised to find a tijuana blanket or velcro wallet on the ground outside your car. Bonus!

There are two kinds of people who go to Drive-ins. First there is the parents who throw their 9 kids (and their friends) in the truck so they don't have to get a babysitter when they want to see a movie. You can spot these people by their 3 queen size mattresses (how did they manage to fit all these mattresses?) and also their matching set of camp chairs complete with dutch ovens. The other type is what I always aspired to be. The Making-out couple. How could any drive-in be complete without them? You can spot these attendees by not seeing anyone sitting up in a convertible or windows with shirts hanging in them. (Shirts that they were presumably wearing.) Apparently these couples love sharing their levi-loving 501 protection plan with everyone to the sides of them.
My wife and I went to the drive-in this past weekend because she wanted to see the Proposal. But sadly it was co-playing with Up. This brings me to my next point. Having two movies for less than the price of one is a plus and a minus. There is a slight chance you might catch two average movies playing on the same screen, but usually you get one good movie and one that was made by the Wayans brothers. If anyone has seen two great movies on one screen I would like to hear about it. I don't think it's every happened.

"Up" was the first movie to play in the double feature and I'm not a fan of Pixar so I was ready to watch the couple making out next to us. Then I saw Public Enemies playing to my left. I immediately changed the station and craned my neck to enjoy a quality movie. After about five minutes my neck cramped up and I got a severe case of lockjaw and had to settle on watching "Up" (which was terrible by the way).

By the time most normal people have been sleeping for an hour, the second movie starts and goes till at least 1 AM. Hey, I might be too tired to drive home but I need to get my money's worth. Even my wife fell asleep during the chick flick but I stayed up to catch the end. By the time the second movie "The Proposal" started I was too tired to laugh, either that or it just wasn't all that funny.

One good thing about drive-ins is eating anything you want in your car. You can't bring a KFC bucket of wings into a movie theater can you? If you have done this, I pity you. They do have concessions at the drive-in with reasonable prices. Though they only accept cash. I'm pretty sure it is 2009 and I can pay just by scanning the bar code on my wrist to pay for things. It makes sense that you need cash to get in (to speed up the line) but for the treats? Come on! I had to do without my 2 dollar box of 4 sour patch kids that night. I wonder if some old lady has ever tried to write out a check to a drive-in...

Drive-ins are white trash but you can't beat the low price for two movies. I don't recommend seeing the big summer blockbuster at a drive-in because you won't get the sound or picture quality. If you are 18 and taking dates to the drive-in then you need to keep that van-a-rockin.

I give Drive-In Movies 3 fuzzy sounding FM stars.

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Wendy's Drive Thru Review

As many of my fellow porky friends know, each fast food drive thru is not created equal. Generally all fast food joints display the same characteristics from location to location.

If you go to Jack in the box, be prepared for a 15 minute wait. (I don't get it...even if you are the only car, they make you wait)
If you head to McDonalds, get ready for a soda cup that is 48% full. (prepare to order a 44 oz soda to wash down those 63 fat grams)
Taco time will give you 1 sauce per 6 food items. (I suppose 1 sauce packet significantly decreases your chances of contracting swine flu from the window guy)
Arby's will get your order incorrect 89.5% of the time. (I swear that I want to murder these people. Not literally, but figuratively...with a giant figurative baseball bat)
Arctic Circle will never get your food to you, as they rarely get customers, and don't know what to do. (Has anyone actually ever ordered the ranch burger?)

But the restaurant with the most defining characteristic is Wendy's.

100 people were asked what is the most common problem with the Wendy's drive thru, and 85 responded that they feel rushed. 11 responded that they thought Carrot Top owned a majority stake in the company, and 4 people responded by pressing the button "1" on their phone.

Have you been to a Wendy's lately? I generally stay away, but the thought of eating 35 fat grams in only 7 pieces of Asian chicken was too strong to resist.

Honestly, isn't the speed of a Wendy's drive thru a little ridiculous? The entire process from ordering to receiving your food takes roughly 19 seconds. It's like they know what you are going to order before you even say anything. Did Wendy's patent the right of omniscience?

Me: I'd like a #4, super sized with a Coke.
Annoying Wendys Operator Lady: Sure. Anything else?
Me: No, that'll be it.
AWOL: Are you sure you didn't want a large frosty to dip your fries into?
Me: (Damn...how did she know?) Umm....I suppose, although there's no way I can eat all that. I'll share with my kids.
AWOL: Whatever you say Matt.
Me: (How did she know my name? I'm frightened)

Let me set up the Modus Operandi for an average Wendy's drive thru visit:

Pull up and peruse the menu. (They already know what you want, so you might as well just go ahead and order)
Pull your car to the window where they already have your drink ready and waiting on the outer lip of the drive thru brick window.
Make the "double exchange" where you hand the money, and receive the drink using both hands.
Set drink down, and turn to see an impatient employee waiting to give you change.
Take the change, and start to put it in your wallet, and the change compartment in your car.
In your peripheral vision, you notice the employee holding your food out the window like they have a baby to deliver in the next 10 seconds.
Throw your money in the passenger seat, as your attention is at maximum capacity.
With money tossed haphazardly in various location in your car, food resting on your lap, and the drink teetering tentatively on the dash, you pull out of the parking lot. The odds of you getting into a car accident at this time are roughly 36%.
You then set the food down in the seat next to you, only to knock off a 5 dollar bill to the ground. You reach over to grab it, as the drink gets tipped, and spills over the upholstery of your minivan.

If you try to disrupt this process in any way by slowing down, I truly think you will have food thrown at you.

The last time I was there, I was waiting behind a car who had obviously completed his entire transaction. His car wasn't moving, so how did I know that he was finished? The Wendy's employee was hanging his upper body out the window, holding my drink for the "double exchange." If I didn't pull forward when the car in front of me did, I am positive he would have jumped out the window and ran me down brandishing a 20 oz Coke.

How does a training session go with a new employee?

Wendys Employee Trainer: Alright, let's practice this again.
Annoying Wendys Operator Lady: I suppose.

AWOL: What if the customer isn't ready to take the food?
WET: Tough. You throw that food bag into the hanging spare tire 10 times in a row, and you'll be ready for the real thing.

To recap, if you are looking for a quick stop to plug up your arteries, head over to Wendy's.
On the other hand, if you are highly annoyed with just about every human being on the planet, you will come away from this experience with rage in your veins, and Root Beer on the floor of you Nissan Quest.

Wendy's drive thru zips its way to a mediocre 2-star rating based on the fact that I'm positive they hold the Guinness book of world records for fastest transaction.

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Gu Energy Gel Review

If you read my review of the Garmin 305, then you may remember me saying that I loved the GPS but I am not a marathon runner. Well, Meatwad has stepped up to the plate since then and decided he was going to hash through his first mid-life crisis by way of completing a marathon. I am not a runner and never have been, but in the tradition of Anthony Hopkins in “The Edge” I repeat the mantra “What one man can do, another can do.” Ok, maybe not, but I’m a couple of months into my training and have not yet been injured and have pulled my personal lifetime best run of 12 miles just last weekend. I’m probably on my way to a miserable failure, but I’m trying to disprove the myth that fat people can’t run. Yup, I plan to drag this Buddha belly 26 miles down the highway a jiggling and a bouncing the entire way.

Not unlike my first trip to the local sex shop, my first trip to a real running store set my mind ablaze at the ridiculous selection of lotions, potions, lubes, and well…nipple guards. Like most of my hobbies, I walked in with a credit card and walked out with some serious debt and a Hefty bag full of all my marathon running needs. Amongst the spoils, I was roped into buying some Gu packs. These are basically nutritional gels that you can down on the run to keep your energy up for the hours of knee pounding ahead. They come in little foil-like packs of which you rip off the top and suck out the life-juice never breaking stride.

They come in all kinds of flavors and are very handy for the fanny pack. Honestly, I bought them because they were recommended by the clerk… and I always buy everything a hot…I mean knowledgeable sales clerk recommends. The surprising part, these little packs really do pack a whollop. Real runners, a class that I don’t pretend to be a part of, usually only take these Gu packs for runs over 10 miles and use them pretty sparingly. I am a big ol’ fatty and need something in my guts at all times, so I hit my first Gu pack at mile 4 and then hit another one at mile 9. It really does boost your energy and I find myself running a faster pace than when I started.

Mind you, it takes “the trudging thunder” (as I affectionately call myself) almost 2 hours to run 12 miles, so I am running for a while. I should also mention that it takes everything I have to go 12 miles, so the little burst of carbs and energy that these provide may be exaggerated by my pure exhaustion. That being said, they do everything they claim and don’t taste bad either. I find the berry ones easier to swallow than chocolate unless you have a fair amount of water to chase them, but overall I am completely surprised at their effectiveness.

Scaling this to the marathon might not work at my current consumption frequency. I don’t know how my stomach will do with 4 to 5 Gu packs inside, so I’ll have to give you an update when my kankles allow me to go a little further. Overall, I have to say “Well done Gu”. I am going to deduct one star however for not having a bacon flavored gel for the runners of my body type…..bacon grease in a ziplock….I’ll save that one for race day.

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen review

Two years ago the first Transformers movie was released. I did not have high expectations for it and I was very surprised by how above average it was. I only saw the movie once but I was excited for the sequel. Come on, sequels promise more of everything that you liked from the first. More Robot action, more explosions, more Megan Fox, more cowbell, etc.

Though for some reason Michael Bay added more of what no one liked from the first one: Awkward jokes. We went from Bumblebee peeing to Ancient transformers farting and mini humping robots. That is high brow comedy. Did Adam Sandler help write the screenplay? The capital offenders are what will now be known as jar-jar bots. The autobot twins eat up every scene and not in a good way. I wasn't offended as many others were by the racist stereotypes, I was more offended as a film fan. How could they think that moviegoers would enjoy annoying swearing robots? If I wanted that I could watch Short Circuit 2.

There were more Transformers in the movie, a lot more. But it's almost as if there were so many you just didn't care. Give me more time with Bumblebee or Starscream any day. It was cool to see old favorites like Soundwave but I didn't care too much for the others. They just seemed like second-rate henchmen for Megatron. Wow, I sound really cool right now. Excuse me while I dust off my Go-bot memorabilia.

And now for the acting. Shia Lebeouf is back for some reason. I don't hate Shia, but for some reason I blame him for the travesty of the last Indiana Jones movie. He has a few funny lines and might be the only one trying to act in this movie. He does OK. Now, Megan Fox on the other hand (I wouldn't mind both hands) does not even try to act. She comes off as pretty phony, but is extremely gorgeous so I forgive her. It honestly seems like Michael Bay is making love to her with the camera. Every scene is a shameless body shot where she is either posing or running "Baywatch" style through the desert. Bay is unapologetic in his exposure of Fox. It's like he was thinking "Come on all you 13 year olds, here she is! Forget about the plot or lack of in the movie, it's freakin' Megan Fox!"


And I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Which brings me to my next point. It's important to have a comprehensible story in a successful movie. I'm not saying that summer audiences expect Citizen Kane, but they at least deserve a plot worthy of Anaconda. The story got extremely muddled and was overly complex while not explaining anything at all. Here is the story as far as I understand it. Sam touches a chip off the old all-spark block. Starts writing hieroglyphics. Megatron comes back and wants to bring back his grandpa, the Fallen. The Fallen refuses to come back unless Optimus Prime is dead. Only primes can kill the Fallen. Transformers use to live on earth and the fallen wanted to blow up the sun for energy. Seven primes sacrificed themselves entombing a power source called the matrix, after putting the fallen to sleep for some reason. Shia and gang end up in Egypt to find the matrix and stop the Decepticons from unearthing a big gun in a pyramid that will destroy the sun. Shia dies but sees the Robot Gods and comes back to save Optimus and stop the bad guys. Linkin Park song. The end.

Hey maybe the story was pretty cool. Ha. It's too bad this movie wasn't better because the action is so dang cool. But sadly it's a big disappointment. Shame on you Michael Bay for pissing on my childhood.

I give Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen 2 Star-screams. One for the action and one for you, Megan Fox.

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