Laurence Fishburne in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Review

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation has been around forever. I think it used to air right after the Cosby show when it first came out.
I admit that I have not seen all the episodes. In fact, I just started watching in the last 2 or 3 years, so I wouldn't consider myself a CSI aficionado.
Before I watched the show, I wondered how it could be interesting watching a CSI crime team investigate different murders. It seemed that the concept would get tired....repetitive.
(Collect fingerprints, blood, shoe-prints, trace elements, and then solve a murder case in a day. Repeat the next Thursday)

I mis-spoke in the above parenthetic statement. They do not solve a murder case in a day. In fact, I do not believe there has ever been DAY on the show. I realize that they work the night shift on the show, but for Hell's sake, turn on the lights in the lab. Who is the Danzig stage-hand that is in charge of the lighting on the set? No wonder they always have to use their flashlights...so they can see.

Anyhow, I've learned to like this little show. Much of it has to do with the fact that most story lines are wrapped up in 1 hour. I do not need to devote 6 or 7 years of my life to figure out what is going on in the show like Lost or Heroes. (I sometimes want to murder those shows)

In watching CSI, I found myself more interested/vested in certain characters than others. One of those is Gil Grissom.(William Peterson) He was in charge of one of the CSI units, and was the central character of the show for many years. Unfortunately, the season that just ended in 2009 was his last on the show. His character grew tired of the death/depravity on the job, and left to follow the love of his life. Actually, the 2nd love of his life, as bugs were his 1st.

What remained of the cast is a cess pool of decent talent, but Grissom was the central character that tied them all together. You now have a new boss, (Catherine "botox" Willows) the semi-hunk, (Nick "So what if I've gained 30 pounds" Stokes) the goofy guy, (Greg "hey...at least I played soccer in high school" Sanders) the hot lab rat, (Wendy "ChaCha!!" Sims) and the comic relief. (David "beaker" Hodges).
Yikes...I left out one of the main CSI's. She's some new blonde who is forgettable in every way...so we'll just forget her.

The creators of the show needed someone to keep viewers tuned into the show, so they brought in my man Laurence Fishburne. (Plus, they killed off the other main black character earlier in the season...hey...I'm just saying)
Fishburne is Dr. Ray Langston. He starts as a low-level CSI, and a member of the team.
His character is brought along slowly through the season, but you can tell he is the true "star" of the show.
Unfortunately, there are a few things missing from his character in this show. Let me list them:

Sunglasses that only connect to the nose.
Kung Fu.
Large leather Coat.

I am sorry, but the entire show I'm waiting for him to complete a sentence with "Do you believe now Trinity?" or "Welcome to the Desert of the Real." Other times, I'm waiting for him to head butt another character, and then jump from one building to another. I still haven't seen a single scene where he wields a sword. C'mon!!! Give the man a damn sword!!

I suppose that my fascination with the Matrix has blinded my vision to his character in CSI. He is a capable actor who should not be pigeonholed. Unfortunately, Morpheus was one of the greatest characters in modern SciFi movie history...and he coined the brand.

Go get the DVD for the latest season of CSI, and lets support our man Morp----I mean Ray Langston.

Laurence Fishburne in CSI gets 4 DNA cluster stars. If I saw just a little Kung Fu, it would be an easy 5-star vote.

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Hospital Sofa Bed review

The newest upgrade for hospital beds

My wife had a baby last week and we had the pleasure of having a three night sterilized vacation at the hospital. I found out that apparently the husband(cause of the pregnancy) is expected to stay at the hospital day and night by his wife's side. Now I'm all about supporting someone who just gave birth to a cantaloupe but it would certainly be nice if someone in the hospital staff thought about the labor of love the father would be going through in terms of sleeping. I can see the conversation now.

Hospital Administrator: So we've got the recovery bed for the new mothers, what are we missing?
Hospital Board Member: Did we include a TV with 5 TLC channels that play Jon & Kate around the clock?
HA: Of course we did, that was the first thing we installed.
HBM: Has a janitor come in and mopped the floor with sprite yet?
HA: They're on their way. I just know we're missing something...
HBM: Aha! What about the new fathers?
HA: What about them?
HBM: Where are they gonna sleep?
HA: I already said the floors will be mopped and ready soon.
HBM: Maybe we can buy a nice reclining lazy boy for every room, then everyone will be happy.
HA: We don't have the budget for that, is there anything else we can use?
HBM: My grandma has some old pull-out sofa beds she bought at a garage sale!
HA: Consider it done!

Do I sound bitter?

Obviously you can't expect to get too much sleep when you have a newborn around. So maybe that's the point of such uncomfortable mattresses. They must be trying to ween you off sleep. Who knows, maybe there are people who are used to sleeping on a bed of nails and hospital beds really float their boat.

The mattresses are about two inches thick, which is pretty important when the springs underneath are rusted, razor-sharp talons waiting for their next prey. It's possible the bed I spent those nights on was from the set of Hostel. Thankfully you are provided with a sheet to cover the mattress because I'm not incredibly fond of warming up to the indiscriminate orange stain on the mattress. I have a feeling my mattress was once used to catch the placenta.

Even if I could have fallen asleep I would have been interrupted by nurses constantly coming in or janitors trying to mop the floor with sprite.

I hope my wife, nor any other woman, doesn't read this because I am complaining about my comfort in a hospital when my wife just gave birth and probably gets less sleep than me. Probably.

Having a cute new baby is a definite 5, but sleeping in a hospital sofa-bed get a BIG FAT ZERO.

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The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Movie Review

Before I give an overview of this movie, let me give you a little insight so that you don't think I judge too harshly or lightly.

I generally like most movies. Action, Horror, Fantasy, Drama, Thrillers...It doesn't really matter. As long as I'm entertained, I won't be too negative.
Don't get me wrong. I do have a top 10 list of worst movies ever, and I'll probably feel the need to share them with you in the future. But the list doesn't include "Sleepless in Seattle," "The Notebook," or "Anything starring Matthew McConaughey."

I do have a softer side, and enjoy flics that have a love story. In fact, some of my favorite movies involve a love story:
The Matrix. (Trinity and Neo)
The Shining. (Nicholson and the Hotel)
The Goonies. (Sloth and Chunk)
I even cried when I was 9 and watched Savannah Smiles. So let's get real...I'm a man in touch with his tender side. (That sounded dirty)

On the surface, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" looked like it had many things going its way. The fact that a dude ages backwards is an interesting concept that most of us have thought of before. (What perverted man doesn't wish they could relive high school with the knowledge they have now?)
Brad Pitt was nominated for awards in his performance, so that was a good thing.
I had heard good things from a couple co-workers. (All female, but I don't gender-stereotype movies...very often.)

The first thing I noticed when I fired the movie up, was that it was almost 3 hours. I thought that it must be a great movie to fill an entire 3 hours...like they just couldn't tell the story in 90 minutes.
The movie started interestingly enough with Pitt's character being born as an old man, and then aging backwards. His mind was the right age....but exactly opposite of his body.
The minutes were ticking by in this film, and more and more NOTHING kept happening. It was just him getting younger, and the things he did in his life.

I looked down when I thought the movie might be close to the end, and we were only 67 minutes into the film. I was devastated. It was if I was sitting in a boring Sunday School lesson where the minute-hand actually ran in reverse.

I would go on with his story in the movie, but it doesn't matter, because you shouldn't watch this movie. You don't need to see the movie to get the gist.

SPOILER ALERT:
Here is the movie in a nutshell.
He is born an old man. He ages backwards. In his "old age" he reverts back to an infant, and then just "dies." (Or is born....I'm not sure)
At some point in the movie, he falls in love, and gets the love of his life pregnant. The daughter is completely normal. No extra fingers or eyes. Just a normal girl. The End.

I would suggest watching the extended trailer for the movie, and just tell people you saw it. If you're asked about details, just make something up. Chances are, that they fell asleep halfway through the movie, and didn't see it all. They won't question you for a second.

Besides the boredom, I have one more beef with this movie. It seemed that Brad Pitt was mentally "challenged" regardless of his age in the movie. I'm not sure if he was channeling "Rain Man" for this performance, or a boring Forrest Gump, but his performance was not good.

In fact, this movie had a "poor-man's Forrest Gump" feel to it. A man seems slightly retarded, and goes out into the world for nifty adventures. The love of his life is doing more exciting things in New York, and doesn't love him. (yet) After his nifty adventures are complete, she finally settles down, and they get together. The only difference is that this movie is much worse than "Gump," and doesn't give us any memorable lines such as "Run Forrest Run!"

If I had to describe this movie to a stranger in less than 15 seconds, it would go like this:
Take 2 cups of Forrest Gump without all the action/special effects. Then mix in 1 cup of "Meet Joe Black," in its entirety. (Including the fact that NOTHING happens in this movie after the first 5 minutes) Mix well on high, and then add a little arsenic. Eat with plenty of water, and enjoy your fate.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button nods its way to a 1-star rating....barely.

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Accutane Review

I just finished my 6 month dose of Accutane so I thought I would give you a review of my experience. For those that don’t know, Accutane is a prescription medication used in the treatment of severe acne and has had some bad press. Among its many reported side effects are some biggies like major birth defects and insanity. The birth defect thing is real and all appropriate measures need to be taken to prevent pregnancy during treatment. They even have a special web site where you pledge to do exactly that before receiving the drug. The insanity thing is crap, though they still monitor you well. I was routinely asked every month if I was hearing voices (that nobody else hears).

So why would anyone take this death med? I am 33 years old and have the back of a leper. I’ve had “nodular” back acne all of my life and have tried everything to get rid of it. Lotions, potions, scrubs, and tonics…nothing worked. I tried the Tetracycline, but it did nothing for me. I shower twice a day but still my back looked like a meat lover’s pizza dumped on a burn victim. I’m talking big boys too, you know, the ones that can only be popped with a pair of vise-grips or a two handed knuckle squeeze. The three stage rocket types that hit you with oil, a one inch puss dragon winding his way out, followed by the punctuated release of a granular core reminiscent of a well used pencil eraser. Gross? Yeah, well, welcome to my world. Those are the mounds I have been plagued with my entire life. Ironically, my face has been pretty clear for most of my adult life. So, let’s just say, I generally mow the lawn with my shirt on, and I don’t frequent swimming pools, ever.

So on a whim, 10 years after being to a pro, I headed to the dermatologist to see if there had been any medical advancements that could cure my plague. He looked at my pock marks and said “Let’s just put you on Accutane.” It is a once in your lifetime treatment that lasts 6 months. Then he started in on the side effects. There were tons, but nothing more than most meds so I said “Let’s do this thing” and off I went. Again, they monitor you very well so you will have to pony-up your co-pay every month in order to get your prescription filled, but wow was it worth it. I didn’t see anything but side effects for the first 3 months, but then my back really cleared up. I got a few shiners once in a while, but no more 3 stage rockets. These were normal pimples handled in the traditional fashion. Scraped across any corner in your house, like a bear scratching his back. Now I am finished and my back has been clear for a month or so, no alien activity whatsoever.

I won’t go into all possible side effects because I don’t have 100 pages to write, but here are the ones I experienced. My lips got uber dry and I use chap stick about 10 times a day. He says that will go away. Along with the dry lips, my eyes are very dry…but I am also post Lasik. I have to put lotion on my face in the morning to combat the dry skin, but that isn’t so bad either. I also lube up the ol’ undercarriage, but that is for another reason altogether. Ok, I chaif. The final thing I noticed is that my skin scratches very easily and seems thinner. Again, he said these are all things that will go away in the next couple of months.

Acne has plagued my psyche my entire life and now I am free from that puss filled monkey. If I drop some of the belly lard and shave the nipple hair from my otherwise bald chest, I just may go shirtless this summer, or at least start with a tank top.

I only dropped 1 star because the mild side effects are real and the ones that affected me pretty much affect everybody who takes the drug.

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McDonald's One Dollar Drinks Review

If you haven't noticed while driving into your local McDonald's parking lot, the company is selling any size drink for a dollar. It is rumored that McDonald's will continue this deal throughout the summer. (at participating locations)

Soda drinkers nationwide just breathed a exasperated sigh of pleasure.

It is definitely a good deal compared to their normal price for their drinks. Next to movie theaters and sporting events, fast food restaurants charge more for their soda than any other retailer. A large Coke will run you over 2 dollars with tax at a local McDonald's.

Unfortunately, this is not the best deal in town by a long-shot. Just this morning, I passed about 4 or 5 gas stations advertising a 44 oz soda for 79 cents. Tell me you're seeing the same thing?

McDonald's and the gas stations running this deal are smart little bastards. Let's say you only want a soda. You pull into the McDonald's for a large diet coke. In the drive-thru, you're bombarded with pictures of food that you've never seen at McDonald's. Oh, they may call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and you've bought one before, but it looked nothing like the picture. The picture shows a fluffy bun, burger hanging over the sides, and cheese perfectly melted. It's a picture that the Carl's Jr. advertisers would be love.

The reality when you buy one, is that the paper is dripping grease on your pants, the (meat?) patty looks like it was thrown like a Frisbee onto the bun, and sauces and onions are spattered randomly on all sides of the burger. Instead of lunch, you get a quarter pounder with cheese grease bath.
I digress.

Suffice it to say, there is a 6% chance that you'll pull away from the McDonald's with only a drink. Odds are good that you'll be sporting a 6-piece nuggets, or a double chee.

The gas stations aren't much better. Do you know where the soda machines are in the store? Try the back...the way back. They want you to pass every beef jerky, sunglasses rack, and energy drink display on the way to your 79 cent soda. Do you realize that a regular candy bar in a gas station was $1.09 on my last trip? To satisfy your Twix craving, you'll have to drop a couple bucks. Give me a break.
There is a 14% chance you'll walk out with only a soda. Most likely, you'll have a pack of sixlets or pickle flavored sunflower seeds at your side.

So, which is the lesser evil?

I have your answer right here.

At McDonald's, you'll have some unknown drive-thru attendant hand you a soda the instant you pull up to the window. What took place in the lifetime of this soda before you received it? Here's a likely scenario:

Drive-thru attendant found something sticky on the bottom of their shoe. They use their hands to pry the unwanted piece of gum from their sole. The same unwashed hand is used to grab your cup when you order a large root beer. Your cup is promptly dropped on the floor where swine flu lives as a thriving colony. The attendant picks up the cup, and blows off any stray lint. You now have spittle on the lip. Roughly 43 oz of ice is placed into the 44 oz cup, and it is placed under the automatic drink dispenser. The dispenser fills up the cup with foam which pours down all sides of the cup. After the foam subsides, you have a 11 oz of soda in the cup. The sticky, wet cup is given to you as you pull up to the window. You curse out loud as root beer from the sides of the cup run down your arm. Enjoy your dollar drink. (plus tax)

At least in the gas station, you can regulate the soda/ice ratio. Germs can also be contained to a minimum. Beware of the "debit card button machine." This contraption alone carries 46 different species of harmful bacteria.

Is the dollar drink at McDonald's worth the price? If you go here regularly, then it would be. Just be prepared to also drive away with a Big Mac and large fry at the same time.
I suggest the Sonic half-price drinks between 2-4 pm every day.

McDonald's dollar drinks slurp their way to a 2-star rating. Enjoy the nuggets!!

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Twilight Series Book Review

So I am a little late on reading these, I understand, but it took a little convincing from my wife for me to wade through 4 books and a couple of thousand pages of material touted as fantastic mostly by 14 year old girls. Further, my wife said there was very little violence and virtually no sex betwixt the covers, so I was less than enthralled. I used to be a big Anne Rice fan, so I’ve done the vamp thing. The seduction and the violence is what made it good, without that, it might as well be the literary equivalent of the movie Powder. Just some pasty dude with some powers, brooding and lonely.

I am reviewing the entire series here but I can’t ignore the qualities or lack there of, of individual books. For instance, if you are not currently, have never been, or never wanted to be a high school girl with a crush, the first book will likely disappoint. It is simply a tween take on romance fraught with all the he-said, she-said, what is he thinking drama of everyone’s freshman year. The climax was as absolute cop-out and cut short any hope of a payoff for the previous 500 pages. I almost didn’t continue the series after the first book ended. But, as a poker player holding pocket deuces into “The River”, I was pot committed and pressed on.

I won’t give anything away yet, but with the exception of one battle scene, Stephenie Meyers builds and builds, creates great potential, and then cops-out when it is time to pay up. This was repeated several times throughout these books. Maybe she just wanted to keep-it-clean, but come on, give me something for my time. Other than the cop-out annoyance and the constant wining from Bella over “the wrong guy”, in my opinion, the series was mildly entertaining with a couple of unique “takes” on the vampire/werewolf genre.

While reading, I didn’t find myself aching to get to the next page. Though, to my surprise, I was a little sad when the journey was over. As a slow reader, it took me forever to get through these. Also, as a desensitized monster, I am less interested in my imagination for the good parts and prefer to have here spell-out a couple of things in a little more detail. It doesn’t have to be graphic, but a simple description of what occurred would be nice. Also, the first person point of view becomes confusing when she changes characters, but only for a couple of pages. You’ll flip back a few pages and go “Oh..I’m Jacob now.” Gotcha.

I think the series was ok and I see why the squeamish would gravitate toward this kindergarten approach to something devilish. Worth a read, but only if you can’t stomach Stephen King. If so, he has plenty to chose from, so close your eyes and pick one, I promise that any of his work is better than this.

WARNING!!! Big Time Spoiler:
Ok, so I said I wouldn’t give anything away, but there is one other thing. A major storyline flaw that made this series less than it should have been. The cookies and ice cream finish was absolutely wrong. Forget the anti-climactic end to the build-up of the century (women are more about the foreplay than the shiver, I grant you), but Jacob needed to die. I loved him like a brother, but that tragedy is what this series was lacking. That ultimate sacrifice was his destiny and Mrs. Meyers deprived him of that. I would have hated it, but it should have happened. She knew it too, but took the easy way out. As a writer, she isn’t very courageous. Stephanie, the story was already there, it just needed you to put it on paper. Please don’t betray the characters or yourself like that again. BTW…Hermoine Dies.

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