Contra review

If you were to ask someone what the classic NES games are, they would say Punch Out, Duck Hunt, Mario, Metroid, and Contra. I really hate to only review one classic game because they all gave me such joy. But there is one game that makes it possible for you to beat and made you want to play it repeatedly, that game is Contra.

First, let me say this. Why did games on the NES not want you to beat them? The NES system itself was an Ironman of sorts. Every time you started the system up, if that were possible, you were in for hours of mindless button mashing with no end in sight. I have a theory that 70% of games actually had no end boss at all. The developers knew you would never make it far enough. I also believe the NES had a fail-safe switch in it. If you played for over 2 1/2 hours at one time the Nintendo would just automatically reset or flash the blue screen. This is followed by spouts of swearing and the obligatory throwing of the controller across the room. I mean, what was the deal Nintendo? Why couldn't you just put saving points in your games? Would it have been that hard?

Anyways back to Contra. The two main interchangeable characters are basically 8 pixel incarnations of Arnold from Predator and Sylvester from Rambo. What better leads could you ask for when taking on invading alien swarms.

The game is made for two player action, but only play with someone who is moderately selfless. Every once in a while floating wings fly above and drop new weapons. Spread gun is my favorite. But if your partner sees it first, he will grab it. Even if he already has the spread gun. Jerk.

Because nintendo games are squarely based on reality, your characters die from one hit by anything. Most of the time it's when an enemy soldier runs right into you. Apparently you're really OCD and die of shock when someone gets into your personal space. Makes sense right?

The story is that there is no story. It just begins with two mercenaries sent to shoot every thing with laser/spread guns in order to kill the alien at the end. Don't ask me why but you kill about 9 million soldiers along the way. Are the soldiers working for the alien? Maybe this 8 bit game is deeper than I thought. Sorry to be a spoiler, but apparently when you kill the alien the island blows up and you fly away on a helicopter. I love when things blow up for no reason!

The main thing I remember from the game and one thing I'll never be able to get out of my mind is the Konami code. This code is the only way anyone could ever beat Contra. The game only gives you 3 lives. It's not a long game but 3 lives could be lost by a dog running into your character. After inputting "The Code" you would immediately get 30 lives. If you couldn't beat the game in 30 lives you should be playing your old Atari.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start

Music to my ears!

I give Contra 4 1-UP stars.

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Baseball Stars NES review

1989 had its share of ups and downs.

Seinfeld premiered, which turned out to be the funniest sitcom ever.
Ayatollah Khomeini placed a 3 million dollar bounty on the head of Salman Rushdie, and then died later that year. During the funeral, his corpse fell out of the casket into the mob of mourners.
The original Batman movie was released, and was the best one in the series until 2008. (Dark Knight)
Pete Rose was banned for life from baseball for betting on his own team.
And the Sega Genesis was released. This marked quite an improvement on the original Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) but never had the quality or selection of games.

And in 1989, Baseball Stars was released for the NES.

While many of you may faintly remember this game, its effects have been felt in the video game sports genre ever since.

Let me rewind my life a little.

As a young teenager who was cut by the high school baseball team, I had to devote my time and efforts elsewhere. Nintendo quickly filled that void. As my Mom would not allow one in our home, I quickly started spending every waking moment at a friends house getting introduced to Little Mac (Oh yeah I beat it), up up down down left right left right B A, and the "art" of getting a NES game to function normally.
You see, roughly 70% of the time you started up a game, it would freeze, mess up the graphics/sound, or just blink.

This is where I introduced my "magic blow." (in a room full of guys no less)
You would need to dry out your mouth, and then blow on the socket portion of the game for 5 seconds. You then inserted the game, and wiggled it back and forth at least 10 times before starting up the unit. As the NES got older, it became necessary to put another game in the open slot above the game to keep it from freezing up.


Most weekday afternoons were spent firing up baseball stars, and throwing on some of my friend's vinyl records. I still don't know what the music is on the game, as we had "Yes" or "Cream" cranking while we played.

Let me just touch on a couple highlights of this game:

It was one of the first NES games to have a the opportunity to SAVE YOUR GAME. Think of how ground-breaking this was!! Up to this point, when the power shut off, your game was over. In this game, you could save at many different points of the game. This enabled you to create a season, where all stats were kept throughout the year.

In addition, you could create your own team and players. Every sports game today has this feature, and Baseball Stars pioneered this function. None of you would have your precious little "Miis" without this game.

After creating a team, you'd play in a season, and get money for winning games. This money could be used to build up attributes for players on your team. Perhaps you wanted a power pitcher, or a speed demon leading off?? You made the call.

Game play was better than any sports game up to this point also. When a pop fly was hit, the fielder would automatically start running to the spot where the ball would land. In addition, there was some "reality" in the game. If you tracked down a ball in the gap at a bad angle, the throw would be poor. Compare this to charging a grounder in center field, and usually a good throw would occur.



In fact, this game was better than most baseball games that came out in the next 5 years, even though they all tried to mimic it.

And the fact that you could climb up the outfield fence to steal a home run was classic.

For those who think that video games are bad for youth, consider that this game probably spawned many events in my life:
I became interested in fantasy baseball.
I now play first-person shooter games against 13-year olds online.
I never really had a steady girlfriend until I was 17.

OK....maybe "those" people are right about video games.

All this talk of Baseball Stars has me itching to lace 'em up against the American Dreams in a quick game!!

Baseball stars hits it out of the park with a 4-star rating.

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Ikari Warriors Review

Caution: Contains Spoilers

The late 80’s were part of my “pupa” stage, as I’ve come to call it. Heading into middle school I gained 20 lbs, seemingly shrunk 2 inches, got auto-tinting glasses that could start a forest fire from 20 yards, and sported plague like acne that made even my mother turn her head if I attempted a good night kiss. So naturally, my only friend became my trusty NES (original Nintendo Entertainment System for the kiddies out there). I spent hours in front of the TV playing that thing, usually while shoving fistful after fistful of Doritos into my gaping maw. I ate because I was unhappy….and I was unhappy, because I ate. (Sorry, but I love that one)

I was also a white-trash, mullet wearing small town boy who, true to form, worshiped Arnold, Sly, and Ninjas. I know, Ninjas?, it’s part of the culture, so just go with it. Trust me, there wasn’t a late 80’s county fair anywhere in the northwest that didn’t have spiked bracelets, nun-chucks, and Chinese stars. So I wasn’t alone, and quite honestly, Ninjas still kinda kick ass.

So now that you have the background, you would probably guess that Ninja Gaiden and Contra were my games of choice, and you would be right. They were and still are awesome, but not my favorite. For that, my bro and I would head down to the local Arcade and play a game called Ikari Warriors. We pumped quarter after quarter into that thing and loved it. When I found out that they were brining it out on the NES, I started saving and jumped on it the first time I saw it. (What else would I save my money for? A date? Wasn’t going to happen.)

To my delight, when I got it home and started playing, it was very similar to the Arcade version. You could be one of two identical twin (red or blue to differentiate) Warriors made after the fashion of Rambo. Of course it was a top down view so you kind of just saw the headband, but that was enough. The grenades the size of humans and bullets the size of someone’s head didn’t bother me a bit. We are talking about an 8-bit architecture people, and even so, we got a soundtrack that still plagues my brain. Dun, Dun, Duuuh…….Duuuh, Duh, Duh… Ok, soundtrack may be a little lofty for 6 beeps sequenced together in a continual loop, but it was catchy. This was the 80’s. Milk was a penny, we just got cars, and computers were the size of small cities. It didn’t take much to impress us.

The top-down, scrolling game play was fairly unique and made the levels seem super long. The great thing about the NES version was the fact that there was no limit on the continues either. I have mixed emotions about that one, but at the time it rocked. You can just keep continuing forever (or until your mom pulls the plug out of the wall 6 hours into a marathon battle, damn her to the horned one).

Now we come to a source of great contention amongst my fellow nerds of that era. I contend that nobody ever finished the game, because there is no attainable end. Many claim that they conquered the game without issue. I say Nay, Nay. I distinctly remember playing for hours on end only to get to a point where no matter what you do, you will die. Problem is, when you are resurrected, your little guy comes back in a trench that locks you in place. He can’t be moved. I even challenged a coworker who called “Bull” and he spent hours repeating this exact sequence of events only to prove me right again and again. The game rocks, but can’t be beaten.

You have to know that these are all guys that claimed they beat Mike Tyson in the Punch-Out game too. Well, in the early days, I remember that anyone who beat him and took a snapshot of the final screen could send that picture in to Nintendo Power magazine and get their name published. Problem is, nobody ever beat him. That page of punchers stayed empty. Again, I offered up my still functioning system to these mis-remembering bastards and none were able to match the crazy upper cut of Tyson. What they didn’t know is, Mike Tyson couldn’t be beaten. The programmers made him that way. If you made it to the third round, the program would invoke the undefendable “ear bite” maneuver that instantly dropped “Little Mac” to the canvas. If you are reading this now and are saying to yourself, “I beat him easily.” quit rewriting history and think hard. He kicked your ass just like the rest of us….and you didn’t beat Ikari Warriors either.

Because of the glitch that locks you in place, and the fact that you will repeat the 8 hr arduous journey many, many times, just to make sure you really can’t get past that point, I’ve got to deduct a star. Otherwise, Ikari Warriors is a work of art.

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Walmart Blood Pressure Machine Review

At some point in time, all of my kids decided to put their hand on a hot burner. Luckily, this lesson taught them never to do it again.

Some lessons in life aren't learned so easily.

Some people still do Meth even thought the billboard campaign seen around my town is enough to make me want to blow bacon double chee chunks over the dash.

Is that an ad for an Amy Winehouse tour?

The show "Lost" is just good enough to get you sucked in....only to leave you saying "What the Hell?" at the end of every season.
The 2-way stop is still as confusing as Calculus to most drivers.

And you should never-----NEVER use the Blood pressure machine at Walmart.

I was waiting for a prescription at Walmart (4 dollars...booyah) and noticed the blood pressure machine opposite me. I felt what every other person feels when they see it....that would be fun to do.

In fact, I don't think most people care what their actual blood pressure it. They are more fascinated with the blinking lights and changing numbers. Some think they're watching a Keno board.
Most people don't even know what their blood pressure was just 5 minutes after taking it.

Billy Joe: Hey Juney, what was your blood pressure on that thingy over there?
Juney: I don't remember. Oh look...here's the bulk hostess ding dongs.

This review is pointed towards the actual health-conscious person who wants to stay appraised of their blood pressure. Go ahead and take a look at the machine. What do you see? More importantly, what don't you see???

As irony dictates, they place this "health" tool directly across from the waiting area for the pharmacy. Who's most likely waiting in the pharmacy on a given Sunday afternoon?
People with strep throat, whooping cough, the flu, and the occasional bout of scabies. As these people wait 45 minutes for their medication, they will most definitely wander over to get their blood pressure checked. What then gathers on the machine, is the largest congregation of sicky germ soup you'll ever measure in the world today. No amount of Penicillin could take down the infection casserole on this machine.

But let's say that you miraculously get through the contact without contracting a debilitating illness. Are you safe? That depends on what you want to be safe from.

As luck would have it, within the last day, some obese guys with shoulder zits put his meaty hamhock in the arm-hold to be tested. When the arm-hold tightened on his arm, roughly 3 zitty volcanic eruptions spewed puss over the arm-hold like the first juicy bite of a bratwurst.
You come along with your high tolerance to sickness, and get an arm bath of zit crap from a 43 year old rail worker. Enjoy.

Or perhaps you feel OK touching the buttons to start your test on the display. Picture this:
You enter a Pizza Hut, and see a couple of video games in the corner. You head over to check them out. Sitting before you are two beauties from you child-hood. Q-bert and Mortal Kombat 2.

You insert a quarter, and look for the 1-person "start game" button on the top. What awaits you is the crustiest mass known to man. Surrounding each button in the cracks is the compilation of 25 years of pizza, garlic bread, Pepsi, and skin flake droppings. It looks like a formation you'd only witness at Yellowstone.

This my friends, is what awaits you at the blood pressure button controls. How could they get so dirty you ask? I have no idea, but I've seen psoriasis, and could fill up the button cracks in weeks.
Perhaps someone couldn't wait to eat their Twinkies before they reached checkout, and mowed down while their body contracted bird flu from the seat.

If you are not dissuaded by these arguments, I dare you head to your local Walmart in a tank top, shorts, and no shoes. (the company uniform) Take a seat, and pop out a 180/120 reading. Within a few hours, the viral and bacterial agents you touched will be attacking your immune system like a Spartan warrior. Enjoy the rigorous vomiting and diarrhea that will visit your house in the next 24 hours.

I contend that in the "after-life," we'll be able to track all the ways that sicknesses were transmitted in this life. The Pareto will be as follows:

1--Daycare
2--Church nursery classes
3--Walmart Blood Pressure public machines
4--Paris Hilton

The Walmart Blood Pressure machine infects its way to a 1-star rating.

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Movie Remakes Review

Hollywood, you guys are killing me with these remakes. I realize that you have the unique ability to use hind sight to look at franchises that worked in the past and then make more money on the same idea, but do you realize you are killing your own history in the process?

Most people would agree that some movies are untouchable, that is, you should never try to remake, recast, reshoot, or add anything for fear of tainting a masterpiece. The Wizard of Oz, for instance, shouldn’t be touched. However, I think we should extend this mandate to more than just the few classics though. Please, just leave ‘em alone.

Here are a few examples.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a cult classic. It was cheaply made, but shocking to all, and fixed in time as a breakthrough horror flick. Fast forward to the remake, it is superior in every way, don’t get me wrong, but it slashed more than just horny teens. It destroyed the original and made it irrelevant. The historical quality of the movie is lost and replaced with a not-so-original, yet scary, replacement. The original is now a joke.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a remake that tortures my soul. My kids think Willy Wonka is Johnny Dep, not Gene Wilder. That’s enough to make me cry, but worse yet, they think computer generated Oompa Loompas are fine replacements for our orange-faced little friends who taught us that you really shouldn’t "Eat what an Elephant Eats." I guess that part of the song wasn’t politically correct to the fatties out there like myself…so you won’t hear it in the new film either.

The Land of the Lost should only be remembered for the remarkably horrible acting and bad stop-motion animation. To make anything more of this Saturday morning nightmare changes it place in history as the worst waste of film ever. That was something.

Original Star Wars Trilogy. All that I will say here is the frickin’ Ewoks sing the Yub-Yub song to celebrate at the end of the final movie. Yub-Yub my friends, not some ceremonial, galaxy-wide symphony. Just some chubby little man-bears dancing and playing drums on some left-over storm trooper helmets. As for Anakin, the poor bastard that played the man behind the Darth Vader mask only had 12 seconds on film with eyebrows. To take that away and replace him digitally with Hayden Christensen was tragic and a historical rip-off of that fat old bastard’s legacy.

Halloween. Once again, Rob Zombie made a killer movie, much better than the original. Problem is, Jamie Lee Curtis was the scream queen. Does anyone remember that? Nope, more history killed for profit….and Jamie Lee will only be remembered for holiday hijinx and her Disney remake of Freaky Friday with America’s favorite wayward daughter, Lindsey Lohan. It’s sad really.

Foot Loose is now slated to be remade. There are even rumors of Zack Effron taking the lead. What about Kevin? Was his flying karate kick at the end in vane? Does his call to the masses of "LET’S DANCE!" no longer reverberate with the youth? Doesn’t Jonathan Lithgow deserve a little respect? And what about all the poor teenage girls who never sprouted breasts, huh, what about them? Ariel showed us that even a micro-A cup in a tube top can be a hot chick if the town is small enough. Am I the only one that remembers? You know, it was back when Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t cause an involuntary gag reflex, particularly when her angular melon is juxtaposed with the pale frump that is Cynthia Nixon. Come on.. the good ol’ days!

So Hollywood, I know you guys are hurting for ideas, but leave well enough alone. If you are tapped out on sequels, prequels, and spin-offs, try something you haven’t thought of….a new idea.

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Travis concert review

A lot of great things have come from the United Kingdom: Tea, crumpets, Simon Cowell, Imperialism.... Wait... Nothing good has come from Jolly Old England.

Ok, ok, I don't mean that. There are plenty of benefits the world has received from the United Kingdom. The music from that side of the river has been their best export. Come on, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, U2, etc. and now I introduce to you, Travis. They are from Scotland and are awesome. That's basically all you need to know. They are a band that Coldplay describes as the band that inspired them to make music. Though that might be a bad thing.

I saw them at The Depot in Salt Lake City. It's a smaller venue but a perfect setting for Travis.
The crowd was one of the best crowds I have been in. Everyone, due to the venue, was over 21. Thank goodness. There's nothing worse than standing around punk kids (or as I like to say "little bastards!) who are groping each other right in front of me. Everyone there was respectful to the personal space and not spilling beer on my jeans either, which is a plus for sure.

I missed the opening band but I'm alright with that. Who needs filler? Though one of my favorite things is when the opening band says "Thanks guys! This is our last song!" and then the crowd goes wild with applause. Nothing says "I love you" more than cheers for you to finally leave.

Fran Healy, the lead singer of Travis has an amazing voice. He sounded clear, near cd quality. The band played most of their great songs. They mixed "Side" with "Eyes Wide Open" and it turned out fantastic. They also played fan favorites "Sing" "Closer" and "Why does it always rain on me?"

Travis played a perfect mix of their hard-rockin songs with their mellow stuff. It never got boring. There were a few songs that I wish they played but you can't win 'em all. A great part was when Fran told the audience that he's sorry the fans had to see Travis because they couldn't get tickets for the Britney Spears concert happening just across the street. He then dedicated a song just for those fans. They played a cover of Hit Me Baby One More Time. I hate to say this, but it was a great cover. I even sang along for a while until I realized I knew the words to a Britney song. To protect any masculinity I cleared my throat and quickly shut up.

If Travis is coming to your town I highly recommend you go see them. Though I would first tell you to buy at least one of their albums. Start with either "The Invisible Band" or "The Man Who." You won't regret it. I feel like I'm their publicist with all my gushing. Also, I added a smile onto my face for a certain reader. I wouldn't want to convey sadness with a positive review.

I give Travis in concert my first 5 Brit Rock Star rating!

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Speeding Ticket Review

We have all been there before, driving over that hill only to see the Po-Po sitting on the other side ready to pounce. Nobody likes to see the unexpected arm of the law. Your heart skips a beat or two, and your stomach drops. All this happens simultaneously while your foot moves from the accelerator to the brake peddle. The only thing worse is when you see those pretty flashing lights in your rear view mirror. Way to go speed-racer. Get ready for another ticket.

Nobody has ever liked to pay a ticket. In times when our economy is struggling, money is tight, and your job the next day is uncertain, people enjoy tickets even less. Not even I enjoy seeing those lights behind me. I know I don’t have extra money to be spending on citations, especially when I could be buying a Jack in the Box Sirloin Burger! Mmm yummy!

So, what can you do to get out of that ticket? I’m glad you asked. Let’s review your best options for saving some green next time you see the red and blues behind you.

I think it’s important to realize that there are still those fat, lazy, ignorant cops out there behind the wheel of patrol cars. These will be sitting in easy to spot locations and give you plenty of time to slow down. This wont be the situation very often however. Training and hiring standards have increased over the recent years. Departments are looking for intelligent officers. You probably won’t even see these types of cops hiding, and if you do, it will be too late. Don’t count on slowing down when you spot the cop. That really isn’t a likely scenario.

There are certain things that will guarantee you a ticket if you are stopped. The first would be a radar detector hanging from your window. As a kid, I loved these things. I felt invincible with one. As a cop, they pretty much just annoy me. It’s almost like I caught you cheating. Again, the lazy cop will sit there with his radar on all the time, giving you and your radar detector plenty of time to slow down. The good cops activate the radar and have your speed within a fraction of a second, meaning that money you spent on your detector was pretty much a waste, and you just earned yourself a big fat cheater cheater speeding ticket. If you are one of these people who have to have one of this things in your car, at least help yourself out by putting it out of sight when you get stopped.

Another sure way to earn yourself a ticket is being a smartass. I can assure you, as cops, we have the smartass area fairly well covered. Two smartasses in the same scenario isn’t a good idea. Don’t get me wrong here; there is a fine line between humor and smartass. We do appreciate humor, but proceed with caution. If you can successfully balance the difference between the two and get a giggle out of us, you are well on your way to driving off with a warning.

Something else that will turn things in a downward spiral is hearing that we should be out fighting real crime, or asking if there isn’t something better we could be doing. Let’s get this out on the table right now. If there was a bank robbery or a meth lab that needed busting, we would be there. There is no need to ask us or imply such. I promise, you and your speed mobile are the most exciting and important thing on our agenda at the time. If there was something better to be doing, we would be doing it.

Some of you may hate to hear this next one, but it’s true, so I’m going to let you know about it. You may be the most honest, humorous, non-radar detector, driver out there. It is possible to do everything right once you are pulled over and still have a citation as the end result. This will happen if your driving record takes more than three minutes to load and I have to scroll through multiple pages on my computer. If it’s obvious you haven’t learned anything from your recent citations, or continue to break the law over and over again, plan on getting another one. Sorry, but for those of you in this category, my best advice to you would be obey the law for as long as you can and put some space in your driving record. Accordingly, those of you with a clean record probably have the best chance of getting away with a warning. A good driving record shows that you don’t often put the pedal to the metal, or you are really good at talking your way out of a ticket. Either way, you are already off to a good start.

There are a few simple things that can help your case on the side of the roadway if you get stopped. The number one thing would be to wear your seat belt. We hate it when people aren’t wearing seat belts, and we will write you a ticket for it. We don’t like all the paperwork involved with traffic crashes involving dead people. People who don’t wear their seat belts often end up dead. If you aren’t wearing yours when we write you the seat belt ticket, it’s really easy to just add the speeding violation to the next line. Not only could it save your life, but it could save you money, soooo buckle up!

Don’t make us stand at the side of your car while you take fifteen minutes to rumble through your Les Schwab envelopes, recipes, and other random paperwork for your registration and insurance. Put your current registration and insurance somewhere easily accessible and be sure you have your driver’s license with you.

This next hint may hurt you or help you; it all depends on the officer and the situation. Personally, I respect honesty and often reward it. I realize there are people who may not know how fast they were going, and its fine to say that if it’s the truth. If I stop you for doing fifty in a thirty-five and you tell me you thought you were doing thirty…things aren’t going to turn out well for you. This isn’t a black and white type of thing, as every officer is different. There are times your honesty will only hurt you in court and still get you a ticket. The best option would be to have a valid reason you were speeding, but apologize and simply say I don’t recall exactly how fast I was going officer. I recently gave a warning to a motorcycle doing about 110 on the interstate because his female passenger had to use the restroom extremely bad. He said he was probably doing at least 120, and his wife had to go to the bathroom. I really appreciated him being honest, and would not have wanted to be on a motorcycle with a female who had to GO sitting behind me. The look on his face when I gave him a warning was worth it. I don’t know how many other cops like that are out there unfortunately.

Even if you did everything right to include pulling as far as possible off the side of the roadway, activating your emergency flashers, throwing the radar detector in the back seat, being polite and courteous, and having your paperwork ready without any sudden lunges into the center console, you could still end up getting a ticket. Many jurisdictions have traffic specific enforcement divisions and it almost takes an act of God to not get a ticket from these traffic Nazis. If this happens to you, here are your options. Pay the citation, which in Idaho will be $75.00 dollars if you were traveling 1-15 miles over the speed limit. $140.00 dollars if you were traveling more than 16 miles per hour over or $141.50 dollars if you were speeding in a school zone. Your other option would be entering a not guilty plea and going to court. I can tell you traffic court ALWAYS ends up on our day off. Although all states and jurisdictions are different, most of the time if the officer isn’t there, your case will be dismissed and you will win. I mean what the heck, if you show up and the officer is there, you can always just pay the ticket. That will only give you more time to save up some money anyway. Worst case scenario, it’s worth the gamble.

Even if you get out of your ticket, getting pulled over by Five-O is far from five stars. Speeding tickets earn one lousy star on the rating chart only because some of the revenue goes to good places.

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Post Cinna-Graham Honeycomb Review

I currently live in a bizarro world compared to my childhood. Our pantry is literally stocked with 10-15 cereal boxes of the most sugary, pucker-your-lips sweetness mankind has ever created. My children have their veritable pick of sugar puffed sugar, crispy sugar, and other sugary goodness, which are routinely topped with sugar from the sugar bowl.

My weekday mornings as a child were spent ingesting oatmeal, cracked wheat, and the occasional bowl of (insert plant name here) Chex. We counted down the days until Sunday when we were able to eat 1 bowl of the sugar cereal that my Mom found on clearance at a scratch-and-dent grocery store. Sometimes we got honey-nut cheerios (shouldn't even count as a sugar cereal), and other times we hit the jackpot with Fruit Loops. I seriously considered Fruity Pebbles to be worth more per weight than most precious metals in my childhood.

Last week, I perused the cereal selection in our pantry in hopes to quell the fat-man hunger pangs I was having at 9:30 PM.
I quickly locked on to an enormous discolored box of Honeycomb. What was this sugary goodness that the cereal fairies had placed before me?
In front of my eyes, I thought that Post had created the greatest conglomerate of cereal flavors since Purple horseshoes were created. I stood in amazement before the newly released Cinna-Graham Honeycomb.

*Promises were made to be broken

It couldn't be true. They had taken 3 of my favorite cereals, and combined them into one uber-diabetes-inducing treat.
Cinnamon toast crunch---love it.
Golden Grahams---love it.
Honeycomb---love it.

So, what happens when you mix the flavors of all 3????

I took my full bowl, and sauntered over to the couch to watch the latest installment of Sportscenter. The cinnamon/graham flavor permeated my nose, bringing back memories of visiting my grandmother who actually would spend money on the cinnamon coated graham crackers rather than the generic honey grahams I was used to eating.

I dipped my spoon into the bowl, and took a large bite.

Right away, I realized that something was wrong. The mixture of flavors was not at all like I expected. The cinnamon overpowered all other tastes, but didn't taste like real cinnamon. It was like Post created a fake cinnamon---like the splenda of cinnamon's. I bet they call it asparcinnamontame.
After 2 bites, I knew that this bowl of cereal was not going to finish its journey into my belly. And its not like I'm picky about what goes in. I'm about as picky with food, as Nicholas Cage is with movie scripts.

Let me recap this cereal:
Bad -- Tastes like a cinnamon plant mated with a oak tree, and its offspring was harvested solely for this cereal.
Good -- Does not change the scent of your urine like Honey Smacks.

To prove my point, even Post feels that this cereal is a bomb. Take a look at their Honeycomb page. (below)
You won't see this cereal anywhere. It's the bastard son of the Honeycomb family tree.



I give this cereal 1 bee careful stars out of 5.

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Carl's Jr Kentucky Bourbon Burger Review

I'm not a fat man.
Though I'm working my way up to it.
It doesn't help that 2 of my past 3 reviews have been for burgers. But I digress.

I'm gonna come right out and say it, Carl's Jr is a sexist fast food joint. Not that there's anything wrong with that. They know their audience (18-44 year old dudes who haven't yet had a heart attack. I stress "yet") and they advertise solely for their target market. I actually thought it was a joke when they started advertising a atkins-friendly lettuce burger. They forgot who their customers were, either that or wanted them to survive a little longer to buy more greasy burgers.

Honestly, I've never seen a girl eating at Carl's Jr. Well, a girl under 200 pounds that is.

Now, it sounds like I'm hating on Carl's Jr. Don't let my comments fool ya, I am a fan. They're not in my top 3 fast food joints, but they are usually the only one open after 10. (I should maybe change my eating habits) Carl's Jr has their normal assortment of artery-clogging burgers and from time to time they introduce a limited product. These limited items last for about 2 months on the menu. They get you to like them then they take it away. Burger-tease! Some recent limited items have ranged from a typical chili burger to a jalapeno avocado western ranch burger.

The most recent heart attack diagnosis is the Kentucky Bourbon Burger. I'm gonna come right out and say it. It's freakin' delicious! The burger patty is near quality, which is leaps and bounds better than your average McDonalds cardboard. The Bourbon sauce is fantastic. It's tangy in all the right places. It also has pepper jack cheese which is the best thing to happen to cheese since string cheese. Let's not forget the tiny onion straws that top it all off. Nothing like fried food in a greasy meat patty. After all this talk and you might think I have developed a little burger crush on the Bourbon. That might be true. It's just sad that our blessed relationship will only last for another month and a half.

I'm not saying it's a perfect burger, I'm docking it because you still get that stale Carl's Jr. aftertaste and it will do a number on your stomach, but it's all worth it.

I'm giving the Kentucky Bourbon Burger four famous stars.

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LG enV2 Review

Hi boys and girls! I know it’s been a while, and I apologize for my absence. Shortly after the Sirloin Burger review I was unable to get off the couch and the laptop was out of reach so there you have it.

This review is somewhat two-fold. I will be discussing not only the LG enV2, but also Verizon Wireless. Im going to start off right now saying that this review will be totally useless to a lot of people for one simple reason, and that reason would be because when I selected a cell phone I didn’t need it to operate a motor vehicle, cook dinner, or update my facebook. I didn’t need all the fancy-smancy options of a crackberry. It’s obvious the current trend is to get a phone that does as many things possible and pay the equivalent to an auto payment every month for those options. I had a few requirements and did a lot of research before selecting a carrier and a phone, hopefully my time spent will help those of you who are in a similar situation.

First let me fill you in on why I needed a phone. For one, I shut my home telephone off. Nobody ever called the house phone, and when they did, it was people I really didn’t want to talk to anyway. No need to give Qwest money I could be spending somewhere else right? Right! The second reason was that my work phone which was provided free of charge to the department I work for by Sprint went away. I’m not saying that all the charges to those “certain” phone numbers were ethical, but nobody told me I couldn’t either. Seriously though, Sprint called one day and informed me they couldn’t afford their donated service phones any longer and were shutting them off, so that was that.

I really depended on my cell phone at work. There was always someone I needed to call about a certain situation, person, or vehicle. I didn’t want this information being listened to by everyone with a scanner, let alone the people that were part of the traffic stop. I could gather information about vehicles and the occupants, their recent contacts with law enforcement, prior drug arrests, etc etc. Cell phones are great….when they work. Sprint needs to go and stand up the clothes hangers and straighten the tin foil they are using for towers in this area, because I would never consider getting service from Sprint again, even if it was free service. Ugh! Horrible.

When selecting a cell phone I had some simple requirements. I wanted exceptional service. I wanted to make a call from the duck blind if I needed. I wanted to call dispatch if I had pulled more than three feet off the side of the interstate (Sprint would actually stop working too far off the interstate). I needed a QWERTY keyboard for texting. A camera was on my wish list too, because you never know what you are going to run into out here that will require a picture so your buddies will believe you. That pretty much sums up what I needed a phone to do.

After reading countless reviews I finally decided on the LG Voyager. After having it for a few days, I realized I should have listened to the negative comments on the reviews I had read. This is a pretty nice phone, but it’s fairly good sized. The main drawback is the touch screen. LG has improved their touch screens with more recent models, but the Voyager’s falls a bit short. It’s slow to react, and sometimes totally unresponsive. If you don’t have long fingernails to precisely tap at the options, it can become irritating. I took the Voyager back and got the enV2. I really don’t need to be reminded at how greasy and dirty my hands are when I use my phone.

After using the enV2 for a while I absolutely love it. The size is great; the reception on both ends is clear and crisp. It is loaded with options, most of which I will never need or use, like internet and navigation. The screen is good sized and easy to use. It’s a solid built phone and will take the abuse of dropping it and being used in the not so perfect of environment. The menu and options are easy to navigate and if you are used to the Verizon wireless set up, you won’t have any problems jumping right in with the enV2

At first I didn’t like the set up of the keyboard. Instead of having a space key in the center like a regular keyboard, the enV2 incorporates two smaller space keys on each side of the bottom row. It took some getting used to but after a few days I am just as fast with it, if not faster than a normal set up. I have been using the phone for about four months now and the only thing I would change is the “ok” key. It is positioned in the middle of the directional arrow keys, but is the same level. Often time when you attempt to press the “ok” key, the cursor will go right, left, up or down, and you have to try again. This key really needs its own position or to be raised above the arrow keys to solve this issue. It takes great pictures (ladies, don’t be shy to ask if you wanna see) and is comfortable and easy to use. I don’t think I could be happier with a cell phone pertaining to my specific needs.

If you do a ton of texting, and are in search of a phone that is reliable and fairly simple, the enV2 would be a great choice. I can chase down a speeder at 120 mph on the interstate and still dial a phone number with the nice sized number pad on the external portion of the phone without making mistakes. The enV2 will do a lot of other things that you may require, but it’s not a crackberry.

Verizon has been a wonderful company to deal with. I wish they had a “circle” or fav 5 of sorts, but they do offer a discount to certain lines of work. I haven’t had a single reception problem or dropped call. Their funny commercials and great customer service earn Verizon and the LG enV2 four solid, YES I CAN HEAR YOU NOW! Stars.

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Homemade Bread Review

The world of food offers me several guilty pleasures. I enjoy the chocolate, steaks, custards and deep fried lard like anyone, and for good reason. It is sweet, decadent stuff that tiptoes across my tongue like a little ballerina sprinkling happiness with every turn. However, there is one gastronomic delight that I enjoy above all others, but I’m not exactly sure why.

Fresh, homemade bread is one of my favorite foods of all time. I think it may have as much to do with the smell as the taste and texture. The rising dough smells of yeast triggering subtle thoughts of what is to come. Then, as it bakes in the oven, wafting aromas envelope your home and entice the mind in what can only be described as culinary foreplay. You watch it closely, and when color is exactly right, you pull the billowy loafs from the oven. I like to trace a thin coat of butter across the golden mounds, making it slightly glisten under the warm lights of the kitchen.

Next, you gently coax each loaf out of its pan and lay it carefully on a cooling rack to rest. At this point, moments seem like hours. Finally, I can take no more. I pull a sharp knife from the drawer and measure one inch from the end to start my cut. In that last moment of weakness, I quickly adjust the knife to slice off a full two inches of steaming bread instead. The guilt will come later. With a tender hand, I slather the entire face with butter and see it melt instantly into the spongy core. Although it is still almost too hot to hold, I wait no more and raise it to my mouth and pierce its soft flesh. Small tendrils of steam dance across my face as I savor bite after bite.

I consume the monstrous piece and start to turn away when it hits me. There is fresh, homemade strawberry jam in the refrigerator. With a carbohydrate recklessness unseen since my teen years, I slice off another two inches, butter it, and head to the fridge……
Five delicious stars my friends.

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Dollar Tree Store Review

In this troubled economy, there still lies a respite of affordable crap. Perhaps you are looking for 2 year old Boston Baked Beans, Dora the Explorer party napkins, super glue, a shot glass with the Virgin Mary on the front, and glow-sticks. There is literally nowhere else in the world that you can purchase all these things in one trip---except Dollar Tree.

These women entering the store are far too skinny to shop here...they must be employees.

I'm sure that you have a Dollar Tree or some other dollar store near you. In fact, I would wager that there are at least 5 dollar stores within a 3 mile radius of your house. Only check-cashing/payday loans stores exceed dollar stores in number. (On a completely separate note, I don't understand how these check-cashing places stay in business. When they sat around brainstorming for a business concept, one man suggested taking 5-10% of a customer's check, and if they didn't pay, the money would start accruing interest at rates that would make Citigroup blush. Lo and behold...it not only works, but is amazingly popular. Doesn't Uncle Sam take enough of your money? Why do you want some loser in a Satin suit taking more of your cash? Check-cashing store owners rank right below Deadbeat Dads and right above Slumlords in the list of people who will join Judas, Brutus, and Cassius in the lowest pit of Hell)

Of all the Dollar stores I've frequented (out of 3), Dollar Tree is by far the most clean and well-organized. I visited a small store called Dollar House which was obviously still cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina. (Even though the store was 10 states away, and 3 years had passed) There were items all over the floor, and randomly tossed on the shelves. I couldn't believe the mess as I pushed the cart over dishes, koosh balls, and lemon heads. It then occurred to me, that it didn't matter---everything costs a dollar. There needs to be no rhyme or reason to a dollar store. I think they should have renamed the store Dollar Storm.

We have used the dollar store as a reward when our kids do chores or need to get out. Some parents promise Disneyland or the Zoo. We promise ring-pops and 101-packs of bazooka bubble gum. I embrace my white-trashness.

There are a few negatives to Dollar Tree. Other stores have a sign that indicates No Shirt, Shoes, no Service. (NSSS) Dollar Tree follows the SSSN policy. Shirt, Shoes, Showering Not required. If you feel a little squeamish shoving your ham hocks through the aisles at Walmart between 4 riding carts, and 1400 pounds of fleshy buttery goodness, you really need to stay away from Dollar Tree.
Imagine that George Lopez eats Cedric the entertainer. He then dies, and his 500 pound body begins to bloat and stink. He then miraculously comes back to life. Chances are, that he'll get a hankering for imitation cheese puffs and a helium-filled balloon...which means he'll be standing next to you at Dollar Tree deciding between a scented candle or a lighthouse calendar.

I do think that Dollar Tree may regret their name choice in a few years. What if inflation is so great that they need to start charging 1.10 for every item. Dollar (and ten) Tree doesn't quite have the same ring. In fact, they should just wait until they can raise all prices to 2 dollars. Double Dollar Tree still has some pizazz.

Dollar Tree nickles and dimes its way to a 3-star rating.

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Tröegs Mad Elf Beer Review

We'd like to welcome a guest reviewer. He is the Unfinishedrambler who posts great humor regularly at Unfinishedrambler.com. He is filling a huge void as we have never reviewed a beer here at Review Spew. In these troubled economic times, I imagine many of you stare at the bottom of an empty beer glass, and wonder why you just paid $3.75 for a Bud lite. Never fear, as this review will let you know how to drink a red alcoholic beverage that doesn't end in the word "tini." Enjoy!! -Matt

This past winter, as I was watching the NFL playoffs at a local restaurant/bar because The Missus and I don't have cable or satellite (we survive, though, on Netflix, thanks for asking), I decided one afternoon to try one of the said drinks pictured below.

I had heard it had a little more kick (11% alcohol by volume) than other beers and thought since I had walked to the restaurant/bar, I could handle whatever punch it packed, especially since I was going to be there for back-to-back playoff games.


So I order it and my first warning should have been that it came in a 21-ounce glass. However, I didn't heed the warning and proceeded to quaff the beer as I would any other beer or Nyquil Cough Syrup, in other words, heartily, but with a little bit of trepidation because I usually make a face after drinking beer or Nyquil because of the bitterness (in case of the beer) and taste (in case of the Nyquil, even with cherry flavoring, it's nasty).

I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t have to make the face as the beer was as good as Tröegs' website (click on photo above) advertised:

The combination of Cherries, Honey, and Chocolate Malts delivers gentle fruits and subtle spices.

Not only did it deliver that, but also a buzz that this lightweight drinker (I think the wife says "wuss" or "pansy" or "pantywaist") couldn't shake for the next few hours, forcing him not to have any more alcohol for the evening. It was like the alcohol was injected into my veins, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

As I stumbled up the sidewalk to home, I was still a little woozy like I feel after taking Nyquil at night and waking up the next morning, and the only two words (maybe three when I added the word "Batman!" for some reason) that could form in my consciousness were these:

Holy shit!

Unfortunately, you can only get this beer in November and December, but believe me who is Mr. Lightweight Wuss Pantywaist Pantywaist Beer Drinker, when I tell you that it is worth the wait, and you don't need to insert this one anally to feel the full effects either (no, I kid you not, it’s the latest craze among college kids, according to The Missus, who is an EMT, and learned about it recently at an International Trauma Life Support class).

No, sir, just pour it down your gullet, or if you’re smarter than I am, sip this sweet libation hand crafted by the Tröegs Brothers, whose real names aren't Tröegs (for the full story, see this page, which includes the real definition of Tröeg) to savor what they call quite appropriately on their site:

"a jolly and delicious beer for the holidays."

My final analysis: a solid four-star rating and only deducted a star because I'm not a real beer connoisseur (I don't even know if that word is the right word when you're talking about beer, I think that only refers to wine -- but I do know about the overuse of parentheses as you can tell that I used them in every single paragraph in this post, not counting quotes) and may be completely off-base here. Somehow I doubt it, though, because even in this 2004 Philadelphia Daily News column, it beat out the likes of similarly-named, punch-packing holiday ales: Victory Hop Wallop, Stone Double Bastard, Weyerbacher Insanity, Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale and Anchor Our Special Ale.

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