Power Wheels

I’m not a wealthy man; as a matter of fact I’m poor. (“Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm”…sorry, off topic in the first line, ...wow) So, some of the higher priced toys for my kids have been a little out of justifiable reach. By expensive, I’m referring to toys that last one to two years and are hundreds of dollars. Falling into this category has always been the oh-so popular Power Wheels line including everything from Jeeps and ATVs to Hummers and Caddies. They always looked like a blast, I know I wanted one when I was a kid, but it didn’t happen for my older daughter and it wasn’t going to happen for my now four year old son….by normal means that is.

So my wife was out in the front yard one day with my son and the neighbor from across the street walks over and says “Do you think your little boy would like our old Power Wheels 4-Wheeler?” Little Man is four, but no dummy. He is psyched and says “Yes, yes, please, please, plleeeeease?” My wife asks how much they would want for it and the lady says “nothing”. They walk over and look at it and it looks pretty good. Little Man jumps on and at this point is crazy excited. My wife offers $50 to the neighbor but she says it will need a battery so we can really just have it and use the money to get a new one.

I get home from work that night and Little Man sprints to the front door and tells me he has a new motorcycle (4wheelers and motorcycles are the same thing in his mind) and can we please go get the battery tonight. I check it out and although apprehensive that it will actually work, we head to the local toy shop and indeed drop a fifty on a new battery.

We charge it over night and the next day I take my son out to do a thorough mechanical check and cleaning. Gotta teach the kid about maintenance, right? The kid buffed and scrubbed it like it was his first car. I guess technically, it was. Then, to my amazement, we plugged in the battery and the thing worked perfectly. He rode it in our back yard on the grass for a good half hour, at least, before the battery died. The slow gear only appeased him for a couple of minutes before he found the high gear and got some pretty good speed. 5Mph or something, don’t get panicked people.

Had I known the smile my kid would have riding that thing, I think I may have rethought my “too expensive” mandate on all things Power Wheeled. That night as we were getting him ready for bed, he asked if we could make a jump for his motorcycle the next day. I told him jumps were out of the question, but he has ridden and re-ridden loops on in our back yard and only tried to take it up the slide once.

The battery gives an impressively long ride and my nine year old even hops on it and tools around the yard too. I don’t know the exact weight limit, but I know it won’t hold my chubby frame. Although it looks really fun and I wish it would. So, with the exception of a couple of broken sprinkler heads, which I imagine I will find when I start watering this spring, and a four year old not quite understanding the benefits of a 3-point turn, I give this little gem 4 Power Stars.

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Haunted

It was really difficult for me to choose a horror novel. I can't say I've even read all that many. I wanted to choose an exciting scary book but it didn't really fit in terms of the gore quotient. So I chose a book that is guaranteed to make one feel queasy. It's not a straight up scary book but it is bizarre and horrific events happen.

The plot is as follows, 17 people who are all undeniably twisted are invited to a 3 month writers retreat. They were only allowed to bring one suitcase with their most vital possessions. The purpose of the retreat was for writers to be locked up in an abandoned theater to write their perfect novel. Though they instead decide to sensationalize their situation and want to get famous for surviving the three months. They destroy the food, electricity, and eventually start killing each other off to be the most famous and only survivor in the end. (Kinda like reality TV)

I would say that 70% of the stories are not that scary and are more bizarre than anything. But when Chuck Palahniuk wants to gross the reader out, he succeeds. The main offender is one of the earlier stories called "Guts." I never let reading affect me too much but while reading this I felt sick to my stomach and real uneasy. It's a story about weird guys getting off to weird things. The center of the story involves a swimming pool and a mishap involving intestines. Disgusting!

Other stories have to do with rich people dressing and living like vagrants because it's trendy, but then a serial killer of the homeless is thrown into the mix. Another story involves an artist who kills other artists to help them achieve credibility with their death but is hiding in the retreat to escape the same fate. Other fun stories have a woman's lips being burned off while trying to save a man from burning alive in some hot springs. When Palahniuk wants to throw the reader off and make you question if you should even be reading his stuff he succeeds. Though in a way, it just seems like he is throwing in random gore just to shock you.

A standout story he should have made into a theme is "The nightmare box." This story is really pretty creepy, and it's effective because it doesn't over-explain or even tell you what should be scary. It leaves it to your imagination and it is messed up beauty.

The way the book is written is easy to read. Each chapter begins with a poem about each character. Then they tell their story of why they are at the retreat. Then the main story picks up about the writers trying to knock each other off. So I guess it works more as a series of short stories rather than a book.

It's not Palahniuk's best, but I still believe it deserves 3 scars.

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Off Season by Jack Ketchum Review

I am the worst kind of horror junkie. Since my 5th grade exposure to the first, and only one worth mentioning in my opinion, A Nightmare on Elm Street, I've been hooked. King is my favorite author and I've seen pretty much every slasher/horror movie ever made. Even the ridiculous B-horror flix hold a special place in my heart. So, I'm a sicko, which is important for you to know in order to understand my perspective and how desensitized I am. That way, when I talk about how gory and terror-rific Off Season is, you know it is coming from a guy that giggled during The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and literally ate a plate of spaghetti during Saw.

Off Season is written by Jack Ketchum and was recommended to me by a friend because he noticed an endorsement on the cover from "The Master", Stephen King. I had no prior knowledge of the author or book, so when the gut wrenching horrors began to unfold about a hundred pages in, I was surprised to say the least. Jack Ketchum has the uncanny ability to describe acts horrific enough to make Satan weep.

Basically the storyline seems contrived with a group of friends visiting a cabin out in the middle of nowhere. Unbeknownst to them, a band of inbred cannibals happens to be living in cave nearby. They are and have been segregated from society and live a savage lifestyle unencumbered by thought, feeling, or societal constraints. Sounds pretty nice in that regard. The group of friends fall victim to these "hunters" who not only see their prey as food, but also entertainment.

There are some torturous exchanges that will never leave your mind and some imagery that will haunt your soul. As common as this theme happens to be amongst those entrenched in the horror genre, this book works well. The cannibals are reduced to the most basic animals seeking instant gratification in various forms throughout the book. Complete liberation from society comes with some costs. Their communication remains in the form of grunts and gestures and the raring of their children makes Britney seem like mother of the year and Speaker of House.

The main characters are relatable, save the cannibals, and you want them to prevail. As for the other elements to a good horror story, I’ll quote Alfred Hitchcock. He noted that the key to his work was suspense. For instance, you could have a bomb sitting under a table where people are playing cards. The audience sees the bomb and the casual players that have no idea that they are about to become kibble. The card game goes on and the audience is on edge but the most important part of this scenario, however, is that the bomb can never go off. That was Hitchcock’s vision of suspense. Jack Ketchum has no such vision. The bomb will go off, shred the people, who happen to be a young family...who just finished volunteering at the hospital for sick kids...after donating their car to a homeless man they just met. None of them would die quickly from the blast and then cannibals would come into the frame and devour everyone slowly, savoring the tender skin and prolonging death until every last scream had been pulled from each victim.

His suspense works though and you turn pages quickly trying to find a way out of impossibly hopeless situations. I won't give any spoilers but just know that nothing is off limits and there are no safety nets with Ketchum. Your stomach will cramp and your soul will ache. I should also mention that it has been a few years since reading this, and it is still vivid in my mind.

Jack Ketchum is a tortured soul (no offense to the Hellraiser franchise) and has a tormented mind. While this review is about Off Season, which I enjoyed, but only in an appalling, bloodbath, meat grinder, kind of way, he has written another book that has permanently ruined my life. I will only mention The Girl Next Door here because it is his defining work and I can’t think of his name without association with this book. It isn't classic horror so it didn't fit this week’s topic, but when I have the courage to revisit it in my mind, I will dedicate a review to it. I think of portions of that book years after reading and still cringe and try to shove it from my mind. It truly disturbed my world. For that, Mr. Ketchum, you can go straight to the horned one - fourth ring, fifth pit, second spit, roast slowly.

As for Off Season, for shock value and being quite surprised at quality of read and depths of depravity, I give it 4 stars.

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The Witching Hour by Anne Rice review

To kick off Horror Book Week, I will start with a novel that was recommended to me by a good friend. We are both huge Stephen King fans, and so I usually heed his advice on books.
He suggested The Witching Hour by Anne Rice.

I was familiar with Anne Rice from her Vampire series spawning multiple movies. Who doesn't remember pasty-faced Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt playing Daddy-Daddy to a weird little 10 year old Vampiress?

Is this from the remake of To Wong Foo? (To Wong Foo Two)

When reading a horror book, I hope to glean the following things:
Gore, suspense, action, tragic hero, decent ending, and more gore.

I knew what to expect when getting into this book. Weighing in at over 1000 pages, I realized that large portions of the book would be dedicated to character development, back-story, and descriptive narratives. Little did I realize that 94% of the book would involve these. Don't get me wrong, Rice is a tremendous author, and can paint a picture around a story like none else. But some of the detail seemed un-necessary, like someone wanting to describe the moss and trees on a Louisiana homestead to a blind person from another dimension. Some things can be described with less verbiage.

The book tracks the genealogy of the Mayfair Witches throughout the past few hundred years. I will admit that the back-story is the most interesting portion of the book. The story that takes place in the "present" is far less entertaining, and very predictable.

Heading towards the end of the book, I would have rated this a strong 3 to 4-star horror book. And then Rice excretes an ending that is truly disappointing.

Stephen King wrote in his Gunslinger series, that the ending of the books were like the "spurt at the end." It's more about the journey than the ending.
If I look through these King-eque colored goggles, than the book was great.

Unfortunately, I left the goggles at home. After 1000 pages of story-line and slow plot development, you would hope that the crescendo of action would climax in a series of twists, turns, and gore. The gore is spot on....but that's about it.
The ending is too quick, and is the equivalent to a "to be continued" on a TV show. It's like she wrote the book as an advertisement for the next installment in this series. (Lasher) I was very disappointed.

I'll put it this way with a series of bad metaphors:

If you enjoy long Sunday drives past the cornfields of Nebraska, followed by a nice cup of coffee, this book will run at your pace.
If you like a 5 hour church service that serves oatmeal at the end, this book will fit your pace.

But if you enjoy a healthy splash of Tabasco sauce in your Chili, this may be a little slow.

This book haunts its way to a 2-star rating. It missed the mark because of its flaws.

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Axe Shower gel hook-up redux

In an attempt to be accurate and thorough in our reviews, we will sometimes post a follow-up review to an item we had previously reviewed. Why? Well, me may be wrong, misleading, or just did not praise the item enough.

Unfortunately, the Axe shower gel hook-up is in the first category.

Some things are just not as good as they seem when you first get them. Some things are "new" and "shiny" and it takes a while for the honeymoon to be over.

I was wrong about my 1990 Hyundai Excel Hatchback. I originally thought it was a great car, and placed a $1500 dollar stereo inside. Within 2 years, I realized that I was it was a big hunk of crap. If I lit it on fire, it would be a flaming hunk of crap.

I remember eating a few of chocolate/mint laxatives when I was a child. They were delicious. They also had me on the john for 3 hours straight.

There have been other times when I've just been flat out wrong or foolish.

I was wrong to underestimate the wrath of the average housewife when I poked fun at the Twilight books on my humor blog.
I was wrong to think that as a poster-child for the middle class, I would receive more than a pittance in this financial mess from a President who promised more.
I was wrong when I purchased $125 dollar sunglasses and thought they'd be better than a $20 dollar pair.

And I was definitely wrong in my initial review of the Axe shower gel hook-up. I originally stated that the hook-up would hold up the bottle with some gel removed. I was flat out wrong.

The hook-up will hold your bottle for roughly 1-2 days, and then scare you in the middle of the night with a crash in the shower. Perhaps you used soap instead of shower gel that day??? You better push the Axe bottle tightly up against the silly rubber suction cups, or you may have it hit your big toe in the middle of showering.

The concept is genius, but the execution is unbelievably poor. I would not recommend this product to anyone. (the hook-up....not the gel as it is wonderful) You should just buy the gel, and leave in on the floor of the shower where you pee.

1 barely-clean star out of 5.

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Chris Cornell Scream review

Alternative music was my first love. This was back when I had a wallet and chain connected to my long shorts. I didn't own a skateboard but I sure looked like I was trying to give that vibe.

One of the great bands of the 90's was Soundgarden. Chris Cornell was the melodic screamer that fronted the band. Then the 90's ended and so did alternative music for the most part. With the end of the 90's came the end of Soundgarden.

Though Chris Cornell hasn't been lazy since that time. He has released 3 solo cd's and made 3 other cd's as the lead singer of Audioslave. The Audioslave cds were hard rockin' and awesome. Cornell's first solo cd "Euphoria Morning" was very acoustic guitar heavy but extremely solid. His second "Carry On" was heavier, not as classic as Euphoria, but very likeable. Now he has released his third solo venture, "Scream."

I know what you're thinking, wasn't Scream a radical duet by Michael Jackson and his twin sister Janet?

With "Scream," Cornell is completely reinventing his music. Yeah, a lot of artists say that, but he actually changed his genre. He went from screeching vocals and rockin out to techno beats and R&B riffs. He is now in league with Timbaland. (you know, the fat black guy who made justin timberlake more famous. shudder) So yeah, this cd is heavy on the bass. Play it if you're cruisin around and you want people to laugh at you in your 1996 Ford Taurus.

Cornell's voice still sounds great, I really do think that his vocals are some of the best and most original out there. Sadly, when singing against the beats, his vocals take a backseat. Gone are the guitars and drums which give way to a soundsystem. kinda sad. His voice has enough soul to pull off the songs, but his experiment sounds a little bit like justin timberlake in 30 years trying to bring sexy back.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate this album at all. It actually has some stand out songs. The title track, enemy, and Never Far Away are very easy to listen to.

A lot of people are gonna call him a sell-out for going R&B, but I am optimistic and hope that he tries to go in another direction, another genre for his next.

I give Chris Cornell's Scream 2 rock super-stars.

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Sports Jerseys

I’m not sure when dropping $100+ for a shirt you don’t wear with a tie ever became a good idea, but they are selling like hotcakes. Team Jerseys are everywhere and I don’t quite get it, but I’m also not a sports freak either. The obvious problem in my eyes lies in the fact that there are names and numbers printed on the thing locking you in a faddish time warp that, in today’s sports, only lasts a season or so. Let me illustrate with an example.

A couple of years ago I decided to surprise my wife with a team jersey of her favorite football star, Daunte Culpepper. I need to tell you that it was a Vikings jersey, because by the name alone, you could never tell. (You may see where my argument is heading) In my shopping madness I further thought "It might be fun to get a jersey for everyone in the family so we could all wear them together on gameday." We would make it a family thing. Until now, my wife has always been the sports fan and me, not so much. I know, I’m a lucky man.

So I buy my little girl an AZ jersey of Fitzgerald, my son a Cowboy’s jersey of, well, somebody that was on sale, and a beautiful Denver jersey of Mr. Plummer for myself. Hats to match, and I was out the door of the local Pro Image having spent a small fortune.

Everyone loved the jerseys, big fun for a while but then something happened I didn’t think about. Players got traded. Some, more than once. I would wear my jersey to a buddy’s house and inevitably somebody would say, "Plummer isn’t even the quarterback anymore…and he sucked when he was." I would defend myself with some stupid remark but they were right, he wasn’t. Problem is, the jersey was quite expensive and still in perfect condition. I also noticed that wearing it out in public prompted personal attacks for which I was unprepared. It was as if my team’s poor performance was part of my own personal responsibility, what with me wearing the jersey and all. Haters felt empowered to shout things like "Denver Sucks" or throw tiny jabs via my kids by saying things to them like "Wow, you should tell your dad to like a real team."

These are not people I wanted to talk to and the jersey opened up a conversation I didn’t want to have. I finally started using the sad comeback "Give me a break, the damn thing cost $100..I’m getting my money’s worth."

As far as the players and teams are concerned, you are lucky to get a couple of seasons with the same name on the same color jersey. Friends will mock you almost as much as strangers, no matter who is screen printed on that holey piece of cheesecloth you have wrapped around your Buddha Belly. Sports are like politics, arguments ensue but nobody changes their minds.

Counterpoint:

I do have to be unbiased and give some positives though, because I am a fair and balanced reviewer.

1. Jerseys are naturally oversized to allow for shoulder pads and what-not on atheletes. That makes them just about the right size for your average Nacho pounding football fan. Plus, any shirt that still covers the belly guts when your hands are above your head is worth a one-bill in my book.

2. They are made of a tight fish net that has only modest screen printing. Multiuse! What better use for your Jet’s Farve jersey than to stretch it across your kitchen sink to rinse pasta and veggies? Gotta use it for something.

3. People will buy anything on Ebay. So Oxy-Clean those Buffalo wing stains and get it posted.

4. Wearing that jersey is probably the closest you will ever come to reliving your high school sporting career. You couldn’t lead your team to victory against the Cornwall Dragons back in ’94, but when you are wearing that Montana throw-back, you feel like you could lead ‘em to the Super Bowl.

5. And finally……Nothing, and I mean nothing, is hotter than a woman in a jersey. Particularly when that is all she is wearing. Yummy.

So with the one caviot of buying a jersey of a universal Hall-of-Famer that has been retired for years, I say, save your cash and by a t-shirt. It won’t be nearly so painful when you have to use it for a dish towel next year.

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March Madness Basketball Pools

It's time for my yearly donation.

My recent tax return will fund the multiple 10 dollar NCAA basketball pools that I'll soon be entering.

You'd think that after losing consistently over the years, that I'd stop joining the pools. Unfortunately, the golden goose taunts me. In fact, I actually won a pool one year. (kind of) My wife worked at a hospital which had a fairly sizable March Madness pool. I gave her the sheet I filled out, and somehow it never got entered. As it turns out, I would have won the pool, and the hundreds of dollars that go along with the sweet taste of victory. It is this single experience that keeps me entering every year.

I'll read the prospectus of every team, read expert's opinions, and craft multiple brackets. I look back on all the statistics, and always play the numbers. Don't ever bet on a 13-16 seed. Always pick one 12 seed to advance. Choose about 2-3 10-11 seeds to advance, and the 8-9 games are pick'em. I usually don't have all #1 seeds in the final four, and try to pick out a dark-horse to advance to the sweet sixteen.

This sounds like the perfect strategy, and one that should propel me to victory....unfortunately, I always pick the wrong teams. The above scenarios always occur, but just not with the teams I choose.

Plus you throw in the "home team" factor. What happens if your favorite college is in the tournament? Do you pick against them because you have money involved, or do you stick to your fan guns?

Another guideline to follow, is to never join in on one bracket sheet with other people. When they ask you what upset pick you want, you'll say you like Weber State as the 13 seed, and they'll bow out quietly in the first round. You'll never live that 2 dollars down for the rest of your life. With every mention of Weber State or March Madness, you'll be reminded of how you squandered their 2 dollars. A lengthy prison sentence is not worth joining in on a bracket with others. Do it yourself.

Inevitably, someone's wife will win the pool, and you'll find out that she thought that MSU was Montana State, or that Indiana has that "angry coach."

But there is an unbelievable positive with these pools. March Madness is exciting enough, but when you add money, you now have a vested interest in every single game that is played. You'll be watching the scores at work, and highlighting victories on your sheet. For the first two weekends, even the casual basketball fan should be drawn in to the smaller teams playing well, and Cinderella stories.

So do yourself a favor, and spend what will be the best 10 bucks of the year. Even if you don't win, you'll easily get your 10 bucks of enjoyment as you wait breathlessly on the outcome of each game.


March Madness pools get a slam-dunk 4 star rating.

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Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats -- Blueberry Muffin

I don't usually eat breakfast. I time my wake up to the very second so that I won't be late, but maximize the amount of sleep.

Don't get me wrong. I love breakfast food. Bacon, eggs, Sausage, Mcgriddles, etc. Nothing like a cholesterol-laden meal to tide you over. But that would compound the problem of waking up earlier and making breakfast.

Cereal is good for 2 things in this world.

The first is get something in your stomach in a hurry. On weekends, I'll peruse the cereal stash in our house for something to tide me over till lunch.

The true strength of cereal, is to fulfill a need for a sugary snack right before bed. Ask my gut...he'll tell you it's true. Ask any random person's belly rolls...they'll admit the same.

Unfortunately, if you eat the "light-weight" brands like Fruity Pebbles, Reese's puffs, and Honeycomb, you'll find yourself sidling over to a second bowl. Eating some cereal is like mowing down on cotton candy. You'll need a double-dose to feel content.

This is why my wife single-handedly keeps the Kellogg's Mini Wheats franchise alive. She has eaten a bowl of frosted mini-wheats every day for the last umpteen years. She says that it fills her up more than other cereals.

Which brings us to the latest offering in the Mini Wheats family--Blueberry Muffin.

I cozied up to a bowl and noticed the neon-like color of the blue-berry. I liked it...perhaps the flavoring would last longer than other brands in this cereal line.

All in all, it was rather good. Enough sugary taste for a fatty like me, while still giving me some sort of feel-goods that I hadn't eaten sugar puffs in whole milk.

Besides the high carb content per serving (43 g), they do throw in a little fiber for good measure. (5 g)

If you like blueberry, and the mini-wheats are your bag, I'd take a chance here.

As always, I caution you to clear your schedule for a bowl of mini-wheats. If you get an errant phone call, or a need a quick bathroom break, you'll come back to a sludgy mess of wheat germ.

3 magically delicious stars out of 5

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BK Burger Shots

What is the craze of making food smaller, only to devour more of them?

I feel like I have seen a lot of fast food commercials lately. If I could get that damn Subway "5 dollar" song out of my head, I could actually concentrate on school or work. (I know you have it in your head now too) Another commercial I recently witnessed with much curiosity was for Burger King's Burger Shots. You know the one, Guy eats baby burgers in the park, bunch of hot babes surround him and call the burgers "adorable."

I know that television would never lie to me, so I had to try it for myself. The Burger Shots come in either 2 packs or 6 packs. (Would you like your heart attack to be slow and drawn out or quick and painless?) I am very non-committal so I went for the two pack. Plus, I didn't want Bertha at the drive-up to judge me for my gluttony. Takes one to know one I guess.

So I went by my lonesome and sat down to eat the shots and waited for the ladies to flock to me like flies on dung. Great analogy, I know. To my dismay not one girl even bothered to glance at my baby burgers. If one did glance she would quickly turn in disgust because girls are not big fans of Burger King. Maybe next time I will just go to the park and sing the subway song.

The burgers themselves are basically burger king burgers. (I never said "burger" more times in one sentence.) I guess they are trying to give those of us who have never had "white castle" burgers a taste of the goodness. Sadly, the taste of the shots is nothing new. I think most of us go to Burger King for Whoppers anyway. Now if they had Whopper Jr. Jr. that would be something to write home about.

I actually felt ill when looking at my bite-size meal. The shots are actually stuck together. I'm talking, you have to rip them apart. This feels wrong to me. I like to lie to myself and visualize that every burger I order from a fast food joint is specially prepared just for me. I'm sure they flatten the hamburger meat, grill it up freshly, cut fresh lettuce and pickles and toast some delightful buns. A fantasy world I know, but a better world.

Instead I get burgers that are stuck together, like they were made in a huge factory where they first lay down acres of bottom buns and then on top of that they lay the acres of conjoined patties of "meat." Yellow pickles are randomly dropped onto the burger conveyor belt with random sprinkling of mustard and ketchup. Finally the top bun layer is lowered and voila! you have Burger Shots! If that wasn't a good visual then go get some and make your own visual as you manually have to tear at the beef divider.

I am now a little hungry and sick at writing so much about baby burgers. They are not the worst tasting things in the world but are surely nothing new. I give them one dark meat chicken nugget star.
Off subject, I'm a fan of movies. This might be my first non-movie review in a while. If you consider yourself a movie geek then check out my podcast. It's called Showtime Showdown and two movies get reviewed and fight to the death. You can also find it on iTunes.

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Fiber One Bars

So the great peanut scare has destroyed a little portion of my life. I am a little obsessive a little compulsive and a bit of a heavy weight when it comes to eating. Hence, my New Year’s resolution included some weight goals and some portion control, which requires smaller meals, many times a day and all that. In keeping with my goals, I headed to Costco and got myself some protein/nutrition bars for those intra-meal snacks. Then, I setup a nice little schedule of eating that kept the beast at bay for a few hours in the morning and in the afternoon. Good plan and was working, a little.

To my dismay, everything in the world with peanut butter seems to be tainted with poison and deadly to the touch, so all of my bars were not only recalled, but replacements are not on the shelves at Costco anymore. I was essentially without bars, I was barless. In lieu of my high protein stuff, which was now probably in a pit being burned somewhere, I went for fiber instead. "If you can’t beat ‘em, pass ‘em", I always say. I dropped twenty bucks on some Fiber One bars which wasn’t bad because I think there are like 20 bars in the box. All that fiber at a bargain price, we’re up to one star already and I hadn’t even tasted them yet.

9:30 a.m. rolls around the next day, I flip open my desk drawer and pull out a chocolate and oats bar which, I have to admit is pretty damn small. It’s a snack, right? Small is good. The thing tastes pretty good, but the texture is much like tree bark. It gives at first, but your teeth aren’t going all the way through. So you kind of mull it around in your maw until it is small enough to inhale and that’s it, you’re satiated.

They say that there is 35% of your daily fiber allowance in every bar, and I believe it because there is definitely some unprocessed lumber in those things. I also happen to be downing two of these a day, so I was hoping that the 1200 calorie double burger from Carl’s I had at lunch would have a little "grease on the wheels" , if you know what I mean. That way, the lard would have no absorption time in my gullet. Yeah, my logic may be a little skewed on that one.

As for the fiber doing its fiber thing, I already hit the "Throne" 3-4 times a day, and I didn’t really notice any difference with these bars. I’m talking about frequency only here, this isn’t the time or the place to mention texture changes…but do you know when you get to the end of a bottle of Easy Cheese and it starts to spatter sporadically? Yeah.

I guess these are healthy, and they taste pretty good. If you have dentures, you probably have no chance of plowing through these though; they’re a little "woody". I give them 3 stars but do have one recommendation. Don’t get caught without some 2-ply.

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