Edward Norton

So, I thought this week was supposed to be actor week not comedian week. If I were to choose a comedian I would rip apart the one-note performances of Will Ferrell, but because I wanted to review a real actor I went for someone who can actually act.

"I want you to hit me as hard as you can."
The summer of '99 was a great time for movies. It was the first time I saw a little movie called "Fight Club." I didn't expect much from the Brad Pitt movie before seeing it but I walked out with a deeper expectation for what films can accomplish. It was also the first time I saw Edward Norton. He was perfect in the role and I think he surely outshined Mr. Jolie. I am biased because Fight Club is my favorite film but he makes the movie with his timing with the perfect dialogue.

After finding out that an average-looking, skinny guy could be such a bad ass, I was hooked. I found some of his earlier movies. His first was in the Richard "gopher hole" Gere thriller "Primal Fear." (sorry about the early 90's reference.) The movie was average but Norton's acting was spot on. I then watched Rounders. Another so-so movie but he played the scumbag friend very well. The third movie in the Norton marathon was "American History X." I don't know if I was quite ready for the prison scenes. But thanks to my patented hand covering the lower half of the screen I was spared from any unpleasantries. Did I mention that he was fantastic in that role and was big enough to bully me.
A theme of Ed Norton is that he does great in mediocre films. The Score is a great example of that. The film was pretty meh-tastic. But Norton, in the scenes where he played a mentally-challenged security guard, was extremely believable and not over the top (I'm looking at you Sean Penn). Another example that most people probably detest is "Death to Smoochy." The film is a guilty pleasure for me and Norton is perfect as the kids character who really just wants the best for all children but is surrounded by scumbags.

As a disclaimer, some of you might say "What about the Italian Job? He sucked in that!" I agree that it was a terrible movie and a terrible role that could have pigeon-holed him in mediocre film villain status, but in his defense, he did try to back out of his contract very soon into filming (probably because he realized the movie was moronic and he was acting against Marky Mark) but Ed couldn't get out of the deal. So yeah, the movie was awful, but I still believe he has integrity. He knows what sucks, even if he's in the movie.

I'm a huge superhero movie fan, so I am biased about how awesome the Incredible Hulk was. Yes, most people don't think it stands a candle to Iron Man, but for those who have actually seen it Norton is great in the role.

There is also the constant battle between "The Illusionist" and "The Prestige." While Prestige is a superior movie, Illusionist has more playback and isn't just leading toward a big twist.

I think Edward Norton will continue to be one of the greatest actors working and look forward to his upcoming movies. I give him four stars on the walk of fame.

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Jack Black

This is toughie for me. Jack Black is first and foremost the legendary lead singer for Tenacious D, one of my all time favorite bands. It is not for the faint of heart, so don’t look them up if you are unfamiliar with their work or are ever offended by anything....at all. They are hyper-offensive to most. I’ve listened to their debut album roughly 1000 times and watched some of their brief HBO shows and loved most of it. Stupid, crass humor that a guy like me can’t get enough of.

Early in his career, the most acting he had done was being the leader of the Nasties in "The Neverending Story Part III". Yup, they made a 3rd. Years later after several other bit parts, and achieving God-like status in Tenacious D, he went mainstream as an actor and I instantly loved most of what he did.

Aside from King Kong, his characters are all the same, though. He is kind of a one trick pony, but I do generally love the trick. I am always amused at his very presence. That being said, most of his latest movies have been absolutely horrible, the worst of which was "The Pick of Destiny" which I so looked forward to as I had such high hopes. This was supposed to be his segue back to his roots....ROCKIN'! Rage Cage was there in all his rotund glory. The ingredients were there, but it came out bad, horrible really, especially for real Tenacious D fans. Nothing new? The jokes were the same old ones, now a little tired after hearing repeatedly on the original album, seeing them in music video form, and reenacted on HBO. Exact same jokes, same plot, same story….but not as funny anymore. Further, "Envy" sucked. "Nacho Libre" blew all kinds of donkey. "Be kind rewind", what a waste of time. It had some great potential but ended like crap. There were probably others, but they are pushed out of my mind right now.

His voice is great so the animated stuff has been good. I liked him as a gay shark in "Shark Tale". "Kung Fu Panda" was awesome mostly because it was just Jack doing his normal thing. "That's right, a Karate chop. Keeiiiii!" So I like the character which I think is just the real Jack. So as an actor, I can’t give him much credit, but if the role is pure Jack, then he is great. As a side note, his choice of scripts is bloody awful so I also recommend he find another agent.

This is very tough for me to do. Were I a gay man, I would likely be a Tenacious D groupie. He is hilarious always but this is an actor review and based on non-Tenacious D acting, I have to give him a meager 2-stars. That being said, I love you Jack and would definitely love to hang sometime. You’re hilarious, and a genius, and on guitar....you're kick-ass.

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Sylvester "Sly" Stallone

A few years ago I was sitting around with a couple of self proclaimed movie-buffs and they asked me what my favorite movie was. I thought for a second and then said, "First Blood". They were all snide and aghast as if I had just insulted their very soul with the mention of a Sylvester Stallone film. One of the guys says something like "Really, First Blood? You can’t think of something a little more….. relevant?" Feeling like someone who was just asked their favorite novel and replied "The Cat in the Hat", I was embarrassed at first, then a little angry. My retort was the basically the following.

"I’m sorry guys, I thought you just asked my favorite movie. The one I enjoy watching the most. Not the one that most changed the world. Not the one what awakened everyone to world hunger. Not the one that ate the most film or had the deepest impact on my misguided sensibilities. I thought you were referring to which movie I could sit through for the ninth time and still be entertained. I thought you were referring to a movie that you catch on TNT and drop the remote because you enjoy it, no matter your mood, no matter the time of day. I must have been confused by the question."

They backtracked a little and now the conversation switched from the more "cerebral" films like "My left foot" and "The Piano" to ones that actually entertained us guys, like "Predator" and "Rocky".

So the subject of this review is Sylvester Stallone, admittedly one of my heroes growing up. He was the muscle bound, one-man army that was impossible to kill, trained like a machine, and pounded everyone from Hulk Hogan to Ivan Drago in the ring. I always left the theater in the mid 80’s and early 90’s feeling pumped-up and ready to start my own training. So he overused the infamous "montage" in his films. How else are you going to prepare to fight a nine foot Russian that just killed your buddy? You’ve gotta remember, and remember well. Plus, nothing sets off a self-pummeling revenge montage like Frank Stallone music, so he had that covered as well.

Now for a little devil’s advocate. He has made some real crap. I refuse to go to IMDB to remind myself, but yeah, Judge Dredd, Oscar, Driven, Daylight, and Death Race 2000 are painful to say the least. I’ll give you that, but we have got to look at him as a whole and remember the films he has created as we saw them for the first times. He has written, directed, and stared in some classics. He wrote "Stayin' Alive" which shows his versatility, because my mother loves that one and our taste in movies is as polar opposite as physically possible. Aside from his other work, the Rocky and Rambo franchises alone merit major kudos. "Cobra" and "Over the Top" gave us some classic one-liners too. "Ya got no power Hawk! " I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used that one.

If you think that I am living in the past and neglecting the present, I’m working up to his latest. The latest Rocky and Rambo were fan-damn-tastic . Rambo was brutal and raw and a perfect way to end the series. Some of the scenes were shocking, but it is about war. War is shocking. Rocky Balboa was also a fitting end to the uneducated, punch-drunk guy from Philly who won’t stay down, which was what Rocky was always about. Heart my friends, it’s all about heart. It also really helps me pretend Rocky 5 never happened. Well done, Sly. You finished these legends the way you started them, with some substance. Rocky and Rambo pretty much define Stallone’s career whether anyone likes it or not. So neglecting some crap in the middle, and for looking better at 60 than I looked at 20, I give you mad Meatwad props.





"Have you ever walked, alone at night, a Man against the world?

No one takes your side, a boat against the tide. When your faith is shaken,you start to break, and your heart can't find the words.Tossed upon the sand, I give you a man, Against the World

All the people cheer, 'til the end is near and the hero takes a fall.

Then they'll drag you through the mud, you're only flesh and blood."

Leave it to Survivor to write lyrics that completely define "Rocky" in their song "Man against the world" from Rocky 4.

Just as Meatwad could watch First Blood repeatedly, I could drop everything to watch Rocky 4 in the middle of the night on a Saturday. It has everything - montages, tragedy, domestic disputes, a talking robot, and yes the great line "I must break you."

I only wish Stallone's other movies held up as well. Yes the Rambo movies started off great, but Stallone has been a victim of Sequels. Even now as he tries to make a comeback he relies on the glory of his older movies. Rocky Balboa was alright, and only needed to exist to erase the travesty that was Rocky V. The new Rambo was awesome, but that could have been due to the excessive Gore-nography. I have never seen a single bullet tear someone in two until I witnessed the bloodletting of Rambo.

If you're gonna make sequels Sly, you oughtta do some for "Stop or My Mom will Shoot!" and re-team with Estelle Getty. Wait, I think she passed away. Well, you could get Bea Arthur or the mom from Everybody loves Raymond. Or perhaps you could make a sequel to "Tango and Cash." Heaven knows Kurt Russell needs the work.

Suffice it to say that Sylvester Stallone hasn't done many great roles in the last twenty years, though Demolition Man is a guilty pleasure. I don't blame him though. Sadly the action star persona has died. People don't want to see Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, or even Arnie anymore. He probably should have quit while he was ahead and before his face started falling off.

Aside from his many flops, he has captured the underdog spirit that we as a people can associate with. Not to mention the analogies shown in Rocky 4 as the fighter from America conquered the hearts of the Russian public by defeating their enormous fighter.

Sylvester Stallone single-handedly won the Cold War for America and for that he gets 3 former action stars.



Stallone is literally one of the icons from my youth. I grew up on the Rocky and Rambo series. I grew up saying "judge, jury, and executioner."
But does being an icon make you a good actor? Was I a good judge of movies in my youth? The Goonies and Point Break made up my 2 favorite movies for nearly 10 years.

Is Stallone hit and miss on his movies?? For every Cliffhanger, there is a Stop or my mom will shoot. For every Demolition Man, there is a Driven. In fact, the Cobra's and Over the Top's start to outweigh the First Blood's.

Don't get me wrong, if you run across Rocky 1-4 on cable, you must stop regardless of time/place/circumstance. First Blood was great too. In fact, my favorite Stallone movie was one where he actually acted--Copland. It was fantastic, and he was very believable.

Unfortunately, Stallone didn't show his acting talents very often. There was generally 4 phases to his acting:

Shooting
Punching/getting punched
Looking strained like he needs to let loose on the toilet.
Saying phrases like someone who's on hidden camera, but knows they are on hidden camera.
(for example, a guy would brush his teeth, and then state clearly and loudly--"I love to brush my teeth. It is healthy." It's just not believable.)

Go watch Spy Kids 3-D. He uses the 4rd phase of his acting throughout the whole show.

So, what's it going to be? Do I rate Stallone on his fairly poor acting, or do I rate him on his movies? Let's meet in the middle, and throw down a 2-star gauntlet for the old guy. I mean if they can erect a statue of a fictitious character, I can at least give him a passing star-grade.

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Seth Rogen

I'm getting things kicked off here for "Actor week." We'll be reviewing multiple leading men from the big-screen. We considered doing an "Actress week," but that would just turn into a list of hot women we'd like to see naked.
Hopefully, we can be of some help when you're standing in front of the Redbox near the pharmacy counter in your local Albertsons.

The world is full of "one-note" actors. Nicholas Cage, Kevin Costner, and Brendan Fraser to name a few. These guys play one note well, but it's the only one they know. Their movies are based on simple 7th grade math equations to garner viewers. Some of them are actually decent, but over time you'll grow tired of the familiarity of their character from one role to the next.

When I first saw Seth Rogen in a movie (40-year old virgin), I thought he was a disgustingly crass breath of fresh air. His quick quips which all generally discussed some form of sex or body part, were funny in small doses as a shocking sub-plot to the main theme.

Is Bruce Vilanch his real Father??

His first big lead role was in Knocked Up. While he was funny at times, the movie was pretty bad. His cavalier, pot-smoking loser character was cute for the first 20 minutes, but became tiring. This movie was not good, and I hoped that this might be a small blip in Rogen's movie career. Like Tom Hanks in Joe Versus the Volcano.

Rogen came back with a comedy vengeance in the ridiculously crude Superbad. As Officer Michaels, he was completely hilarious. This was a perfectly cast role for him.

And then the bottom fell out.

Rogen pushed out 2 movies in a short time-frame in which he was the lead.
In Zack and Miri make a porno, he started out with a bang. He was funny, and disgusting at the same time. But after 20 minutes of the show, he ran out of jokes. There is only so many references you create to describe the penis and masturbation before it becomes tiresome. The show (and his character) ran out of gas quickly, and was a pain to finish.
But Zack and Miri was nothing compared to the pile of horse manure that was called the Pineapple Express.
This "Cheech and Chong" wannabe movie literally garnered 2 laughs. (1 was from excitement that it was finally over)
I am thoroughly convinced that the following items must take place in exact sequence for this movie to be funny:

1-Start drinking at 9AM.
2-Go to work from 12-4pm bussing tables at Ruby Tuesday.
3-Watch "the greatest UFC knockouts from 2007."
4-Continue drinking.
5-Sit through 25 minutes of "keeping up with the Kardashians."
6-Attempt to call in local radio show to request a Billy Squier song.
7-Hit 12:05 showing of Pineapple Express.

I think one of two things are an accurate statement of Rogen's career at this moment.

It's possible that he is in a comedy tailspin, heading down the same trail as many one-note actors that have come before him. His comedy is based upon shock factor. He makes Dane Cook look like the nice guy bagging your groceries. He needs to branch out his type of comedy, or he will end up just like Cheech and Chong--being roasted on comedy central in 20 years by Lisa Lampenelli.

The other possibility is that he wasn't meant to be the leading role in a movie. In every role where he's a supporting actor, he is great. Seth Rogen is like the Nachos Supreme from Taco Bell--Good in small doses.

Seth Rogen is teetering on the edge in my mind. Another bad performance or two, and every movie from here on out will be the death kiss. Hopefully he can rebound and expand his comedic performances.

Rogen wits his way to a 2-star rating.

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Dinner in the Mall

Last night I did something that I have never done before. I took my three year old son to the local mall and per his request decided to eat dinner in the food court. This is a true account of what transpired.

Right off the bat I knew I was a little out of my element. My pants fit properly, I had no chains hooked to any part of my clothing, and I was obviously the oldest person in the food court. My son tells me he wants the standard Happy Meal for dinner, so we head over to McDonald's. Three teen aged workers were standing there talking as I approached. I stood there and waited for someone to recognize me, but it didn’t happen. They each looked over at me with contempt and then resumed their conversation. I said "excuse me" and they didn’t budge. I’m start getting mad but don’t want to ruin my little outing with my son so I kneel down and convince him that we should try A&W instead. Still holding his little hand we head over to A&W when my son says "I want chicken nuggets though". I turn back around and see someone ordering at McDonald's so we flip around and head back.

As I approach for the second time there is one person ordering at one register and three teenagers loitering in front of the second register. Actually, they were not so much loitering as they were sitting on the counter just being obnoxious. I stand behind them waiting for them to order when they finally tell the worker, "We don’t want any food. We were just lonely and need a place to talk." So the worker looks past them and asks if he can take my order. The three kids don’t move. I talk over them to the guy and then hand my cash through the group. Five minutes later the kids leave and shortly after that we get our Happy Meal.

I don’t do Micky-D’s so I figured I would try Panda Express for my dinner. The line is pretty long, but I was Jonesin’ for some Orange Chicken so we waited. When I order I see that they are out of the Orange Chicken so I ask how long. He calls back and the cook says 1-2 min. I decide to wait, continue through the line and pay. My son and I then stand there for 15 min. while roughly 30 other people go through the line and get their food. After much stress and waiting he slaps some chicken on my now cold plate and we head to a corner table to eat.

Now the food. I break open the happy meal and find the napkins inside are sopping wet. The fries are obviously tainted with the same moisture of unknown origin so they are out. I try to hide them in the sack so kiddo won’t see and hopefully won’t remember them. I break open the nuggets and as he grabs the first one, he bumps the carton and flips two of them onto the filthy table at which we were seated. Cleanest one we found by the way. So I grab those up and throw them in the bag with the soiled fries too. My son now has a drink and one and a half chicken nuggets left for his dinner.

At this point I look up to see some amazing things. The girl that works at McDonald's is yelling her head off trying to get number 47 to come up and get their extra value meal. She is literally screaming 47 over and over. To my left, I see a high school guy sitting quietly, eating his food when another high school punk sneaks up behind him and puts him in a full-on sleeper hold, mid-bite. The kid that was eating is obviously choking but his "hilarious" buddy doesn’t let up and takes him to the ground before his red-faced friend gets loose coughing and spitting. Now, two girls, probably 12 – 13 years old come and sit down right next to us. No sooner than they sit down do they start up a very loud conversation about how the one is changing boyfriends because he only likes her for her body and the hot action. What? Body and hot action at 12? Am I a grandpa? I know it is a new era, but please tell me the 5th graders aren’t all banging each other at recess. If you lose your virginity before you have pubes, it’s probably a little early. Just a thought.

Despite the sea of madness around me, I take a bite of my beloved Orange Chicken to find it completely raw. I spit it out and hand my plate of rice over to my still hungry boy. He chows down on the rice and we leave as quickly as possible.

I’ve eaten in the mall before, but only for lunch. I think on a weeknight it becomes a haven for crappy employees and a looser hang out, really no place for a dad and son to be. Patrons were ridiculous, workers were pathetic (even for high school kids), and the food was disgusting (even for fast food). There is no reason to hit the food court after 3pm. I should have grabbed a Cinnabon and hit the road.

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Dexter Season 3

America's favorite serial killer is back for a third season. Die hard Dexter fans have probably already finished watching all the episodes. Thanks to the necessity that is Tivo, I just finished.

When Dexter premiered a few years ago, the premise of a serial killer working as a forensics specialist in Miami sounded like CSI on Heroin. I really had no interest.
After receiving minor death threats from friends to watch the show, I decided to give it a try.
To this day, I think that the 1st season of Dexter was one of the best TV experiences in a while, only topped by The Wire on HBO. In fact, I think Dexter did itself a dis-service by setting the bar so high in season one. I wondered how they could match/top the 1st season.


Season 2 was good. Not fantastic, but good. The whole plot line of "Dexter as a suspect" is not my favorite, but his character gained experience with relationships that helped progress to the current season. In addition, one of my favorite characters of the show is killed.

As a general rule, anyone that becomes close with Dexter will have their life put in danger, regardless of how hard he tries to keep them safe.

****MINOR SPOILERS BELOW******

Season 3 started out on the wrong foot for me. First of all, they introduced a new major character for the season in Jimmy Smits. I am not a Jimmy Smits fan, and have been accused of being a Jimmy Smits hater. I never got into LA Law, and he wasn't my favorite detective in the NYPD blue rotation. I almost forgot his forgettable performance in the Star Wars series....yuck.

In addition, Dexter seemed to take a path that he had never been down; one of killing in the "heat of the moment" instead of following the code.
Dexter's methodical approach to murder, and the thoughts he presents with it are very enjoyable in the show. The fact that he killed on a whim was not my favorite.

As the season progressed, my feelings changed dramatically.
Jimmy Smits became one of the best characters in the season. The places that they take his character are fantastic, and he plays the role so well. The progression of his character and acts while semi-predictable, are filled with tension and suspense.

One of my favorite elements in this series is the relationship that is portrayed between Dexter and his father. The flashbacks to Dexter's childhood in season 1 were riveting.
This season takes a different approach as Harry is with Dexter in spirit only as a subconscious manifestation of Dexter's mind. The dialogue is interesting, and gives insight why Dexter takes some of the actions he does.

The season really peaks in episodes 9-11, but still has a good finale.

From the beginning of the series, the audience wonders where Dexter will ultimately end up. Dead? A changed man? Continuing in murder?
I believe this is one of the big draws of the series. Can this man who has no emotions, learn to actually FEEL the emotions that he is constantly faking for others, or will he let his dark passenger take over?

As a warning, this is a Showtime original series, so language and violence are prevalent.

Dexter season 3 garners a killer 4-star rating. Awesome.

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Suze Orman

Last year blew major rhino financially for almost everyone. 2009 doesn’t seem to be shaping up any better any time soon. Credit is drying up, 401Ks are way down, and your house isn’t worth crap. I’m no financial wizard but I try to live within my means which seems to be more than almost everyone according to the news and current economy. So it warms my heart to watch the Suze Orman show and see her verbally kick the crap out of people who call her for advice on the "Can I afford it?" section of the show.

Basically, they call up and give her their financials and then tell her what they want to buy and how they plan to pay for it. She then tears them a new one because many have no business eating out for lunch let alone buying a new $1000 puppy or trading in their leased BMW to get heated steering wheel version. I’ve done my share of stupid buying, but 2008 and 2009 are not the years to be cavalier. So Suze has become my new hero.

Much of what she says is just common sense, but many are in need of that rare commodity. I also often get interesting information on retirement, investing, and IRAs too, so in addition to being entertaining, I think it has something for most people. The mystery of the FICO score has been solved. Her show and web site take questions too.

In addition to her weekly show, which I TIVO, I’ve also seen her on Oprah a couple of times and have read two of her books, "2009 Action Plan" and "Women & Money". The great thing about the books is the fact that she gave them away for free via the internet. Mad props Suz…I realize it gives you advertising and name recognition, nonetheless, anything of any value, for free, is a Godsend in my world. Both books were decent too. Ok, the "Women and Money" one was for my wife, but there was androgynous info too. I also got hooked up with her Ameritrade Save Yourself savings account where if you deposit $50 per month for 12 consecutive months, she gives you a $100 bonus on top of the savings interest rate. I’ll take it. Cha-Ching. My cash should be coming in Feb. Do the math friends, that’s like a 30% return. (Need to use future value function because all $600 won’t be in there the full year. Sorry didn’t mean to complicate things.) Trust me, that $50 per month couldn’t earn more anywhere else, for the first year at least, and it’s taxable of course.

I think the basis of her entire work is the message that people need to start being honest with themselves. Honest about how much they make, how much they spend, and what they can really afford. I think the message is great and anyone looking for free advice would do well to check out her show and/or website. If you know nothing of money, times up. You better start learning. Now that I think about it, never mind, live it up and go get in line, somebody will bail you out and I’m sure at least a portion will come from me.

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2 Big Macs for 3 dollars -- Mcdonalds

The lunch hour begins quite innocently enough. I take my solitary drive from work, and head down the main drag where most eating establishments reside.

Arbys? Blech...
Taco Bell? My bowels hurt already.
10 different sandwich shops? 8 bucks for a sandwich doesn't work for me.
Chinese? Tempting...
McDonald's? No way...nasty crap....but wait...........

2 Big Macs for 3 dollars???!!! Can it really be? How can they offer this slice of my youth for such a low price?

My inner child takes control of the wheel, and I turn into the parking lot. I head towards the drive-thru, but notice that there are enough cars waiting in line to save the auto industry.
I instead head inside the restaurant, and survey the scene. I notice the marquee for the "Big Mac double meal." Essentially, it's 2 big macs, fries and a drink. The gross weight of that meal is roughly 3 pounds.

I take my place in line behind 3 very large men wearing sweats. Mind you, these are not sweats with a college insignia down the side, but sweats with mustard stains down the side.
I wait patiently, and sheepishly order 2 big macs, and a large coke. (all drinks are 1 buck...booyah)
They hand me my food to go, and I head back to my car. The bag is heavy. It's like carrying a gallon of milk back to my car.


I drive back to work, and decide to eat in the parking lot rather than catch ridicule for ingesting 2 of these mammoth beasts.

The first sandwich is just as I remember it from my youth. Pickles, cheese, secret sauce, and a whole lot of bun. I'm greatly satisfied, and also very full.

I look down at the second sandwich and weigh my options.

I can throw it away. (That would make 1 big mac for 3 dollars--no way!!)
Save it for later. (I'm sure a reheated big mac would taste just delectable--not.)
Give it to a co-worker. (Hi, here's a heart attack in a cardboard box...I hope you die.)

Eat it.

As ingestion was my only option, I hunkered down for the fight.

Each progressive bite brings me closer to the brink of tears. Stomach acids start creeping up my throat wondering what hell-storm has just hit. Pickle juice is flowing down my chin as I lie in the fetal position, but the deed is done. I have eaten 2 big macs in one sitting. Bear Grylls would be proud.

As I sat on the toilet later that afternoon, my guilt overcomes me. I'm like a 16 year old kid who promises his priest that he'll never look at a nudey magazines again. But we all know what will happen. Who am I kidding?

To sum up, is this a good deal. Hell yes!! Where else can you get so much food for 3 dollars?
Here's what your 3 dollars just bought you:

1080 calories
58 fat grams
90 grams of carbs
50 grams of protein

So basically, you shouldn't eat anything else the rest of the day.

Other than a good deal, is this worth getting for 3 bucks by yourself? Hell no!!
Your bowels and innards dictate that you should only ingest 1 big mac per day.

Get two, and share one with your buddy/partner/dog/girlfriend/face book friend. Your sphincter will be happy that you did.

1 meaty star out of 5 for my experience. Could have shot up to a 3 had I passed on the second sandwich to a friend.

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Locker Rooms

I’ve mentioned in other posts how one of my resolutions is to get fit and shed some poundage. Lucky…or unlucky for me, depending on your perspective, my company has a fitness center that I could potentially use on my lunch hour or before work. The problem for me has nothing to do with the actual workout itself, it’s the cleanup. I am admittedly a sweaty man-beast. I have no business using a public locker room, and most of you don’t either. Belly girth argument aside though, I am also completely out of my element. I have no idea what is proper locker room etiquette and have always left these facilities feeling dirty and in need of a confessional.

First off, avoidance of the shower is not an option. Just thinking about hitting the treadmill raises my heart rate to roughly 160bpm. So I am sweating before I even touch the go button. Once I am up to a slight trot, the rain starts falling. The next twenty minutes are spent with me trying to find any dry spot on my shirt to wipe my dripping brow. Anything over twenty minutes requires terry cloth intervention or I am likely to slip off the belt. If I do any kind of workout, I am showering, or I am going home. There is no choice in the matter.

Now I hit the locker room. In order to get 122 lockers in 20 square feet of space, they double stack them and leave virtually no room between the bench and the lockers. Hence, my next experience. I am minding my own business trying to look anywhere but the parade of hairy ass walking around and maneuvering through the locker room. I am slightly bent over putting something in my gym bag when someone bumps me from behind. I say, "Sorry" and turn to see a full-on, naked man ass staring me right in the face. He was in his gym bag too, facing the other way and just butt bumped me. He doesn’t say a word and doesn’t even notice that I now have his ass print on my back. I’m choking back the bile just writing this. I close my eyes for just a second and go to my happy place. Then I continue.

I head to the shower section, fully clothed, and notice there is a line for the showers. No problem, but half of the guys waiting are buck-ass naked with a towel thrown over their shoulder. Yes, they have a towel, but it is over their shoulders. Worse yet, they then try to fire up a conversation. Blah, blah is all I hear, and all I am thinking about is the fact that I am surrounded by "fruit baskets" on all sides. Finally, a shower opens up and I dive in, still clothed. I disrobe, shower, dry off, and come out mostly dressed. As I walk out, there is another naked dude, standing in front of the mirror drying his hair…with a hairdryer. His dangus is damn near sitting on the counter top, but he is having a happy ol’ time brushing and blowing out his lovely locks. I’ll remember that if I ever think about setting my brush down there.

I grab my bag, throw on my shoes, and head to the sink to run a comb through what is left of my receding hairline. I finish quickly and try not to stare at hair-dryer guy still standing in front of the full length mirror strutting his stuff.

Uncomfortable doesn’t cover it. I hate every part of it. From the exposure of my acne filled back and nipples the size of dinner plates, to the ass-cheek shuffle by the lockers. I just can’t do it. What amazes me even more is the fact that a whole lot of guys not only don’t avoid this awkwardness, but seem to revel in it. They are naked from the time they walk in there to the last moment before leaving. These are coworkers for Pete’s sake. I’ve got to work these guys. I don’t need the image of their "wedding tackle" and undercarriage grooming stamped permanently on my mind. I say, work out at home or a gym if you need to use the locker room showers, but keep it out of the workplace. I don’t want to know any dude that well, let alone, my boss.

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Top Ten Movies of 2008

2008 was a bittersweet year in movies. The summer promised to be one of the biggest in recent years, but was surrounded by dry spells at the theater. There were a few standouts but sadly good films were few and far between this past year. Usually I have at least 20 great movies to decide my top ten, but this year I was desperate to find 9. Let me preface by saying, I am a movie elitist. I am also a sadist. I watch everything. The good, the bad, and the beverly hills chihuahua. Due to my expansive viewing, I have decided that my opinion is the best reference for good taste. Not vain.

The list is as follows, love it or hate it.

10 - Cloverfield
I know it seems a little odd that this movie be ranked so high. Some of you are still getting over the motion-induced headaches that camera work gave ya. I loved the frenzy of it all. Also I thought it was great that I hadn't previously seen the cast members in other movies. I love the movie because it made me interested in a nearly unseen camera-man named Hud.

9 - The Wrestler
I've never been a big Mickey Rourke fan. He has the cut-up, aged face of Sylvester Stallone, but one thing he has over Sly is a recent good movie. Rourke's performance doesn't even seem to be good acting, because he really feels like "The Ram." This is a big change-up for director Darren Aronofsky's trippy movies, and it is probably his best.

8 - In Bruges
Huge surprise for me. Colin Farrell hasn't been in my top ten since American Outlaws (sarcasm). He and Brendan Gleeson make this movie about hitmen with consciences hilarious. Great dialogue.

7 - Iron Man
This is where I disagree with most of you. Iron Man is funny, great looking, and sorta exciting. It came out of nowhere and made a whole bunch of money. Robert Downey Jr. is fantastic as Tony Stark. Cocky, boozehound, and mustached. I just feel that a hero is only as good as his villain. Which means that Iron Man wasn't really that cool. Good movie, anticlimactic ending.

6 - Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Yes crazy enough Hellboy has beaten Iron Man. Though he probably could in a fight anyways. This movie is a great guy movie that is more of a fantasy film than superhero. Amazing visuals.

5 - Ghost Town
There were some good comedies this year like Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but I felt that the comedy Ghost Town was a better movie. Plus, Ricky Gervais (from UK's the office) is a guilty pleasure so I laugh if he speaks. No bias there. It seems like a movie that is filled with cliches, but at the same time comes off sincere.

4 - The Incredible Hulk
The Hulk has finally been done justice. The 2003 movie felt more like a lifetime channel drama than a superhero movie. Edward Norton was perfectly cast as Bruce Banner. Nerdy but with inner struggles. The reason I liked this movie more than Iron Man is the villain actually matched Hulk in coolness and the end of the movie was entertaining. I'm doubtful, but I wish they would make another.

3 - Man on Wire
Denzel Washington's finest work. Oh wait, wrong movie. Man on Wire is a fantastic documentary showing the story of frenchy Phillippe Petit's goal and journey to illegally tightrope walk between the world trade center towers in the 1970's. I like me an entertaining documentary and this is the best I have seen since The King of Kong.

2 - Slumdog Millionaire
Director Danny Boyle (trainspotting, 28 days later) has tackled a different genre in every one of his movies. His latest, slumdog millionaire is his best film so far. I just saw this last night and am still thinking of memorable scenes. It's a dark picture of Mumbai, but also very inspiring as well. I definitely recommend this film.

1 - The Dark Knight
Those who know me would not be surprised. I'd go as far to say that if you have seen this movie, you would not be surprised by the high placement. Easily best movie of the year. This film is practically without flaw. The few exceptions being Maggie Gyllenhallanglat and Batman's husky phone-sex voice. Though besides those everything is perfect. The performances are spot on. Heath as the Joker is haunting, Aaron Eckhart should receive more praise for his role of Harvey Dent, and Christian Bale continues to be the best Batman since bobble-head Clooney. This film breaks from the comic book mold and becomes one of the best crime sagas in movie history. I guess you could say I liked it a little bit.

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Ben Folds - Way to Normal

Ben Folds was once a member of one of my favorite bands of all-time. The group Ben Folds Five hit the alternative music scene in the mid-90's. Their "nerdy" music was catchy, and Ben Folds was a wizard on the piano.
I saw the band in concert multiple times, and absolutely loved everything they released. I also play the piano, and would play songs from the album while imagining myself on the stage being worshiped by thousands of fans. Yes...I imagined myself playing piano in front of people. Did I mention that I did not get my first pubic hair until 9th grade, and I love Sudoku? I'm the pinnacle of cool.

Alas, the band eventually broke up.

Darren Jesse and Robert Sledge faded away into obscurity, but Ben Folds kept cranking out solo albums.
His first attempt on a solo release was "Rockin the Suburbs" in which he played every instrument. This album marked the descent of my Ben Folds fandom. His songs seemed directed towards making the top 10 list of elevator music and wedding play lists nationwide. Major disappointment.
His second full solo album "Songs for Silverman" was mostly forgettable.

This leads us to his newest full musical studio album "Way to Normal."


A positive is the Parental Advisory for the disc. This will hopefully keep Mothers of 5 kids from purchasing the disc in order to find the perfect song to dedicate to their spouse for their 15th wedding anniversary.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty of the songs. The entire album is piano-centric with the tell-tale Bass/Drum combo. Some of the songs have other instruments and studio mixing, but it is fairly minimal.

Unfortunately, the album starts off on a bad note. The first song is called Hiroshima, and documents an experience that Ben had where he bashed his head at a concert in the Far East. It's not great, and I don't want a live song on a non-live album.

We can break all the songs into 3 major categories:

OK Songs. They are decent, but won't stick with you for any particular reason. In fact I have no description of them because they're pretty much forgettable:
Hiroshima, Dr. yang, Before Cologne (instrumental), Bitch went nuts, Brainwascht, Kylie from Connecticut.

Great Songs. These are the cream of the crop on the album.
The Frown Song--Patented Ben Folds. Slow hooks leading into a catchy refrain. Such a somber song to throw the F-word around in.
You don't know me--Probably the song to get the most radio playtime. It's very catchy, but a little too much post-studio mixing for my taste.
Cologne--A decent ballad with perhaps the worst "outro" in the history of music. I haven't been this disgusted with a spoken word segment since "OK computer" by Radiohead.
Free Coffee--Ben throws some new piano sounds into this great song with boring lyrics.
Effington--This is my favorite piano work on the entire album. I probably wouldn't play this in front of my Grandparents though.

Terrible songs. You'll forward through these every time:
Errant Dog--A song about an errant dog. It's so bad.

If you're a die-hard Ben Folds fan, then you've listened to this album over 2 thousand times, and know all the words. You'd even buy an audio album of him sleeping. This review is not for you.

If you have no idea who Ben Folds is, I do not suggest this album. It will be hit or miss on whether you like it or not.
This is a sing along album, but you won't be cranking it up on your custom stereo at stoplights. Think a talented Rufus Wainwright with a better voice.

Me....?? I'm in the middle. I liked it, and will listen to select songs from the album on my mp3 player.
I'm so in the middle that I give it a middle of the road 3 stars out of 5.


It's a far cry from a live show of Ben Folds Five in front of a couple hundred fans in a small club. The dude's fingers could move faster than a monkey with a self-pleasure button. It was awesome.

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Stir Crazy Popcorn Popper

My wife never asks for much for Christmas, but this year she actually had something on her list. She wanted a Stir Crazy popcorn popper. I know, I know, if I buy it, I will be breaking the most important rule of Christmas as it pertains to wives – Never, Ever buy your wife an appliance. Ever. (Same goes for Anniversaries and Valentine’s Day too, for those of you in either the "I know nothing about women" or the "married but surprisingly celibate" categories) But you have to understand, in our family, this is a rare thing, to ask her what she wants for Christmas and get an answer. So, life-rules be damned, she is getting one. I may have sidestepped the rule anyhow because according to the tag, it came from our 3 year old son. I am pretty sure that logic will hold up in a court of law.

Let’s backup. So, she tells me she wants a popcorn popper and my reply is the same as 95% of people that actually know it is 2008. (It was at the time, stay with me) I say, "We have one, it’s called a microwave." She starts to explain why she wants this and all of its benefits when I realize that I am now asking her to justify the first present she has ever actually admitted to wanting. Yeah, I’m a moron. So I shut up and decide to just get it.

I take the kiddies out and we buy it, wrap it, and throw it under the tree. My 3 year old even keeps it a secret for several weeks. Astounding. Sure enough, Christmas morning she opens it and is thrilled. Thirty bucks was never so well spent.

Later that day, we fire it up. It is basically a heating unit with a spinning wire and a large, plastic, see-through dome as a cover. There are some steam vents on top, but the base of the unit stays cool to the touch which is essential for little ones like mine. My wife throws in 2 tablespoons of butter, a cap-full of oil, and 1 cup of popcorn. Then the magic happened. My kids and wife and I watched that little spinning wire move those kernels around for a few minutes and when those things started a-poppin’, my kids were enthralled. Giggling and clapping a-plenty, and that was just my wife. The spinner kept the un-popped stuff on the bottom and moving while the bowl filled up rather quickly with the popcorn. After it finished, I put the little cap on the steam vents and flipped the whole thing over. Vuala, the lid is the bowl.

Clean-up was no worse than any other popcorn bowl, there just happened to be two parts. As for taste, my wife loves it. She claims it is much better than the microwave stuff plus you have some control over the salty lard in which it’s dredged. I liked the taste fine, but I like the microwave stuff too. I also give it props because that spinny thing massages the melted, oily goodness all over the popcorn as it pops. It is damn near erotic. Plus, it leaves virtually no "old maids". Grannies, un-popped kernels, seeds, tooth-breakers, whatever you want to call them, are almost eliminated. We also had no stank, burnt crap either just because the "popcorn" button on your microwave happened to be calibrated in Denver Co. at mile-high stadium. Atmospheric pressure must come into the equation somewhere, I’m sure, because that button is not right for where I live.

I was skeptical at first thinking this popper was redundant and would never be used. I have to say we have made many, many batches over the last couple of weeks and my kids have yet to tire of the taste or the before snack show. Step back in time a couple of years and give this a try. You’ve wasted thirty bucks on worse things.

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New Year's Resolutions

Oh yes, the day of reckoning is upon us. We have been saying we would start our new diet, contribute to a Roth IRA, look for a new job, start going to church again, stop drinking, stop smoking, and a whole host of other goals right after the holidays, January 1st to be exact. We have been using that as an excuse for an extra helping of gluttony for the last couple of weeks too. Might as well throw back one more ‘cause after the new year, no more. Puff on an extra Winston now as it is soon to be my last. An analytical person might say, if 99.9% of us don’t follow through anyhow, but we all double up on the "sins of the flesh" right before the big no-follow-through, then is the act of making goals worse on us than not making any in the first place?

I say no, and here’s why. In my experience, nothing seems to happen if it isn’t measured. For instance, if you didn’t have the goal of keeping that paycheck coming, who would go to work? Your work is measured every time you get a paycheck and the company allows you to walk back through those doors. If you exercise and don’t have the goal of working longer or harder, you would stop the instant you broke a sweat and that just leads to the monster Buddha belly that I currently sport. So the first step in doing anything is setting a goal. It is step number one, sorry, can’t be avoided.

So you’re a big ol’ fatty like me and have set the goal of dropping some poundage every year for the last 20, and like me, failed miserably. So what? Do it again. Increase your resolve and make this your year. When that doesn’t happen, make 2010 your year. One of these years has got to be your year, and if not, eventually you’ll be dead anyway and then you really won’t care, I promise.

Get your first check of 2009 and throw $20 in a savings account and see if you can keep it there for a day, then a week, then a year. Soon you could have as much as $100 stowed away for that rainy day…you know, the one that has pretty much dominated 2008 for anyone, in any job, anywhere.

If you need a specific calendar day to roll around to get you thinking about where you have been and where you want to go, that’s fine. At least there is something besides collection agencies and your need to move to elastic waist bands pushing you forward. If you don't have any goals, what is the point? So make some, super ambitions or not so much, but work toward something next year and see how you do. Self-reflection and goals are never bad things, unless, of course, your goal is to murder ten people this year to break your old record of nine.

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