11.11.2009

Totinos Pizza review



Is there a better food item in this world besides pizza? The answer is no. It is the perfect combination of all 9 food groups: meat, dairy, bread, possible vegetables/fruit, meat, oils, and stuffed crust. Honestly, one could get their entire daily intake of nutrition by eating one large supreme pizza. Now, some of you might be saying that you wish you could get all the joy of eating pizza without spending 18 dollars at papa johns. Well mister or mistress, today is your lucky day.

Now I know I'm not breaking out any revelations about Totinos existence. If you are male and have ever had a sleepover or gone to college you are very familiar with the tiny pepperoni goodness. Totinos really just might be the bachelors best friend. Just be careful you don't overdose Totinos and combine it with Mountain Dew and World of Warcraft, otherwise you are headed down a very lonely, obese road.

Totinos and I go way back. It was a scandalous affair while it lasted but I had to finally commit and get married. Now my wife won't let me touch the stuff. She says the mini pizzas are too high in sodium. Totinos is definitely the one that got away. When my wife and I go grocery shopping, I pause at the freezer section and fog up the glass door. I then have to lie to my wife and tell her that Totinos means nothing to me...

Now why is Totinos so good? I wish I knew. It has everything going against it. Basically there is too little cheese, The "sauce" is basically just food coloring coating the crust, and the crust basically becomes the equivalent of an aerated cracker when it's cooked. That list doesn't sound tempting but somehow when you throw the tiny juicy square pepperonis, it becomes magic! Oh and being 88 cents doesn't hurt.

It's almost impossible to not eat one of these pizzas if you want "fast" food, it takes around 12 minutes to cook or if you wanna eye it, just take it out when the the pizza becomes 2D. Though do your best not to burn it. And if you do burn any part of the pizza just discard it, don't worry it's only 88 cents. Scientists have actually discovered that they can process fossil fuels by scraping the bottom of a burnt Totinos crust. Good for your car but not good for your gut. Now, if you wanna get crazy you can add some extra shredded cheese to your pizza. I'll tell you one thing, it doesn't hurt the taste.

Now, if anyone can tell me what the sausage is supposed to be in the combination pizza I would love to know. I wouldn't say it's inedible but it's definitely not sausage.

I give Totinos pizzas 4 stars because it is fantastic but now I feel guilty for eating them.

2 comments:

Jessica said...

Best post ever! I am totally with you about this pizza. I was a poor college student, which led to an even poorer teacher (how does this happen?). I still eat these pizzas, especially at the end of the month when I'm completely broke. Oh my goodness, that sausage makes me gag just thinking about it. I am seriously sitting here gagging right now. I think it is made of intestines and stomach lining. You can't even scrap that nasty stuff off - it penetrates down to the crust. The only thing you can do is peel off the entire layer of toppings and eat the bread only, but even that doesn't work because somehow, it still tastes like that nasty "sausage". The pepperoni is the only way to go. Add a few slices of tomatoes and a sprinkling of my green peppers from the garden, and it's a mighty fine and cheap pizza.
Are you one of those people who roll it up and eat it burrito-style? So many do, but I can't take it - it disappears too quickly.

Major Undeclared said...

Jessica, If you have a garden with tomatoes and green peppers, what are you doing eating totinos? I don't roll mine up, like you, I want it to last. I actually get a little fancy with my pizzas. I put them on a plate the size of the pizza and use a knife and fork.

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