Shopping At Victoria's Secret Review

I miss the days when my oldest daughter asked for baby dolls that went potty or for easy-bake ovens that cooked with light bulbs. See I never feared or dreaded the “Pink” aisle at Walmart or Target or anywhere else for that matter. It was so simple to just go down the aisle between the dog food and the board games and even with your eyes closed, you could grab 3 or 4 things that would fill her heart with joy on Christmas morning. Those were the good old days.

Now she’s 16 going on 27 and it’s a whole different ballgame. Actually, most of her Christmas list was pretty easy, that is if you just squinted your eyes and didn’t look at the first item on the list, which unfortunately was the thing she wanted most. It simply said “Perfume, Pure Seduction or Love Spell, sold at Victoria’s Secret”. Just like that my world was forever changed.

Never being one to disappoint my daughter, I headed straight to the mall to see what this perfume business was all about. Now, I’m sure the average man jumps at the chance to walk through Victoria’s Secret, but not me. It’s one thing to be a pervert, but I don’t like other people to see me being a pervert and everything about a 39 year old fat man walking through a Victoria’s Secret screams “PERVERT ALERT … PERVERT ALERT.” Yet I pressed on.

My first mistake was not staking out the store beforehand. If I hadn’t taken some time to do a proper reconnaissance I would have discovered that there were two entrances and that one entrance lead to all the perfumes, lotions, sprays, etc, and that the other one lead into all the silky, kinky stuff. This, of course was the door I charged right into, with the simple yet incredibly naïve plan of walking right to the bottle of perfume my daughter wanted, buy it and retreat to the safety of the Orange Julius.
So here I am in the middle of thousands of camisoles, bras, panties, teddies, etc., etc, and wall-to-wall women looking at me and all thinking, “What is this dirty old man doing in here? The PERVERT.” It took ten minutes but I finally made my way over to the other side of the store where all the bottles of perfumery could be found. Then came the realization that what she wanted wasn’t the only thing they sold in the realm of nice-smelling things. I soon found myself surrounded by bottles and bottles of stuff with names like “Dream Angel’s Desire” and “Very Sexy” and “Basic Instinct” and “Ooh La La”. “Like hell I’m going to buy my daughter something from this den of iniquity” I muttered to myself, but yet I found myself powerless to leave.

Finally an extremely attractive sales associate came up to me, I thought to my rescue but as it ended up, she just made things worse. “Can I help you sir” is what she said, but her eyes were saying “Pervert. Creep. Scumbag.” I pulled out the list and not trusting myself to speak, I simply pointed to the items my daughter had requested. “Oh yes, Pure Seduction. That’s my favorite. Right this way.” I’m soon lead to a table with fifty different pinkish-colored bottles all saying “Pure Seduction” on them but there wasn’t one that said Perfume. There were creams, and body washes and body mists, and mists with glitter and on and on and on. There was even Pure Seduction Anti-Bacterial Sanitizing Wipes, but no perfume. I thought she must not have understood so I finally spoke and said, “My daughter just wants the perfume.” She replied, “Yes here it is” and again motioned at the entire table. She then motioned to another table and said, “And here is the Love Spell Perfume.” That table looked exactly the same but the bottles were all lavender in color.

So now it’s about 120 degrees in the store and I’m sweating and the panties and female shoppers, and bottles and bottles and bottles and fake smiling salespeople and bras, and the room’s spinning and turning and tipping and I realize I’m about to pass out. I thought about that later and realized that if you’re going to pass out you really should do it at Victoria’s Secret. The only people there to give you mouth to mouth are gorgeous women, but on second thought they would probably just throw some push-up bras on my face and let me die rather than press their lips to mine.

I didn’t pass out but neither did I buy anything. I just ran from the store as fast as my stubby legs would allow. It was a no-win situation. I didn’t know what my daughter wanted, the sales people were no help and if I had stayed any longer I would have died. Going online to buy it would be no better. I could just see my boss catching me at http://www.victoriassecret.com/ and somehow I don’t think it would help to say, “I’m just buying something for my daughter.” He wouldn’t believe me and if he did believe me what kind of sick $@#!$@ must I be to be buying something for my daughter at Victoria’s Secret.
The store gets 1 star because it did give me warm and fuzzy feelings from the waist down but as the whole shopping experience there damn-near killed me, 1 star is all I can give it. Perhaps my wife will have better luck than I did. (Note: upon reading my rough draft of this review my daughter said, “Dad, you want the Eau de Toilette. Silly.” Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? )