Swine Flu Review

This is part two of my unintentional two-part review regarding the Swine Flu. In Part 1 I reviewed the anti-viral drug Tamiflu. I posted that at 5AM last Monday. Forty hours later I had a fever of 103 and could speak fluent Portuguese.

First of all, as far as the flu goes, this thing has it all. It has it's standards, you know the fever, the aches, chills, sweats, dizziness, nausea and for that I give it two stars. But it does so much more than that.

I have to give it a third star for the ferocious manner in which it inflicted me. I woke up Tuesday morning feeling just fine and dandy. I spent most of the day dealing with what I thought was some soda-pop that went down my wind-pipe, in other words, a minor cough. I left work that evening around 6PM, still feeling fine but starting to get annoyed with the cough. By 10PM my chest was killing me, my nose was all stuffy, the room was spinning and I couldn't stand. By midnight I was caught up in the full ravishes of the Swine Flu.

Only the most wicked of ailments will torment me with memories of Mr. Moyle. Mr. Moyle was a substitute algebra teacher I had in the 8th grade. After he cracked a kid across the back with a yardstick I spoke up and said, "HEY. You can't do that." The room grew silent. He slowly walked around behind me and whacked me across the back with the yardstick also. I weakly said something like "I'm going to tell" and he said something about them not believing me and I lost all my nerve and never told. So kudos to you Swine Flu because you sent me back to the 8th grade being abused by Mr. Moyle. You just scored a 4th star.

But no other sickness, fever, or illness has ever done what the Swine Flu managed to do to me. Never before in my entire life have I been robbed of my desire for the Holy Trifecta. Maybe one of those desires; sometimes even two, but never all three of them at the same time. Yes, it's true. For several days there I lost all the drive, and all the desire for food, sex and TV. Damn you Swine Flu. You are the very best and the very baddest bug on the planet right now and my hats off to you sir. You are a certified ReviewSpew All-Star. May you rot in hell!


Jen said...

I hope you are feeling better. My daughter has had the Swine flu but so far I am symptom free and so is my son. I know I have just jinxed it and will now be sick for the next week. It took my daughter 7 days to recover from this monster.

Zac Pritcher said...

That last sentence reminds me of the end of George A. Romero's Day of the Dead when the zombies are devouring that douchebag's intestines and he tells the to choke on them. Good movie.

Anyway, Swine Flu sucks. I blame video games, rock and roll and democrats. Oh, and tv.

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