Freebies for Hot Chicks Review

My wife is an attractive woman, which I have always claimed offered her and other attractive females little bonuses in life that the rest of us homely people never enjoy. She always dismissed my claims but a few examples of late have pretty much confirmed my suspicions.

My wife heads into Kohl’s with me and, as usual, we head to the bargain racks. Routinely you can get most of your Kohl’s fodder at 80% off if you don’t mind wearing a 5X version of the classic wife-beater tank. 5X is my natural size, so this is my kind of store. After loading the cart we head to the check-out and then something remarkable happened. My wife smiles at the man behind the counter and says “I must have forgotten my coupon at home, but I really did have one.” He says “how much was the discount?” “30%, I think”. He says “No problem” and then takes an additional 30% off of our ENTIRE bill! Are you kidding me? Really? What world am I in? This has never happened to a guy. As we walk out to the car I ask my wife how in the hell that happened and she just smiled and said she really did have a coupon and she was pretty sure it was 30% off so, she wasn’t being dishonest.

Case in point number two, my wife headed into the Eye Dr. to get some new contacts. While she is there, she decides she wants to maybe try some colored ones. She asks the Dr. about them, in her wile way, and he says “Wait a minute”. He comes back in with an armful of every single color of contact lens available and drops them into a huge bag. Then, handing her the Hefty bag he wishes her a Merry Christmas…in the middle of frickin’ July. She only asked about blue. Ridiculous.

I’m a fan of the big sandwich, so the other day my wife heads to the deli to grab some lunch meat. She comes back with well over a pound of turkey, roast beef, and ham. I open the bag and say “how in the world are we going to heat all of this meat?” She says, “Something weird happened. I went in an asked the guy for a half pound of each but he sliced a bunch. Then he dumped it all on the scale, lifted off most of it until the scale said half pound, then hit the print key. Then, he put the rest of the meat on the pile and put it all in the bag. He gave me twice what I paid for.” Huh? What? Free beef…in this economy?

Personally, I rarely get the clerks to even accept coupons that I have in hand. There is always some fine print about not valid on Tuesdays or something stupid and the clerks never have a problem pointing out the fact that I will be paying roughly 3x what I thought the price was. I certainly have never gotten anything extra just for funzies. This is an injustice to the homely, fat, and pan-faced everywhere and while I actually receive the fruits of this crime 2nd hand, it has got to stop. If you break it down, this is a matter of sex. There is some deep recess in those male clerk’s minds that hold onto the hope that they are really exchanging cold cuts for coitus, contacts for carnal knowledge, and coupons for copulation.

Knock it off guys. Either become an equal opportunity discounter or stop it altogether. Pretty people already get enough free passes in this world, let’s at least make them pay for their own pastrami.